Time to move again

I can tell you the spring is in the air.. I see little snowbells popping up from the ground along with other purple little flowers raising their heads. I think in few weeks time, Daffodils will make their presence visible and slowly there will be life resonating all around. the Bosweg near my house will boast its tress with large green foliage, the gardens and terraces will demonstrate riot of colorful flowers, the parks will bloom with happy people basking in the sun and children running around in enthusiasm but i wont be there to witness this all.....

I will be soon on a new move. This morning I received an email from my housing agency that I need to vacate my apartment before 12 noon on 31st March 2011. I need to start organizing my belongings if I do not want to get stressed like in Leuven. I know where I am heading for next three months but I don't know what future holds after July 2011. Where do I make my next home? I see it unlikely that I will settle down in Italy for longer than three months. Yes it is a place I want to be in, for its pleasure of food and relaxed life style but I don't see myself leading an Italian life for ever. I am too restless a person to live in Italy in long run. But very soon, I am going to embark on a new journey, some 1200 kms of road trip from Nijmegen in south eastern border of the Netherlands to Padova in Northern Italy. April to June, destination Padova, wonder how different is Italian Spring?

I sat on my reclining chair, staring blindly at the roof of my apartment. It is already six weeks that I am here and in another six weeks, it is time to say goodbye. I feel overwhelmed at the thought of saying goodbyes. Nijmegen, what do I say about you. After gloomy depressed winter of my life in Leuven, I slowly found my strength and voice in Nijmegen, surely irritated some of my classmates. Nijmegen became integral part of my plans for ethics research, numerous emails and phone calls to set appointments with my Dutch research respondents. In next few weeks, my research will take me all over Netherlands, Amsterdam, Den Haag, Haarlem, Delft... This is my first research outside my country and I am looking forward to this experience. The topic is fascinating, quite at the heart of Dutch Public Debate these days and I am impressed with the cooperation that I receive from people around me. I have never had so many doors opened for me in India, but here, they are more than willing to collaborate with me and are curious why I should feel so interested in this Dutch topic. Being a foreigner definitely has some advantage here. There are few other cities on my list now apart from Amsterdam who have potential to become my next home. Maastricht, Leiden, Groningen, each place has offered me something new but I really do not know what will materialize in coming days. I am open to them all.

I am officially going to be homeless on 31st March by 12 noon as our Journey to Padova starts on 2nd April. I am not sure yet, which city will I spend my last two nights in. Choice needs to be made. But before that, I need to move my belongings. Some things might remain with a friend in Amsterdam, my books and my bike will probably find refuge in Leiden, my cooking world and guitar will make its way to Groningen. There is a song about 'suitcase in Berlin', I have my suitcases all over the place and interestingly, I feel I have no home any more.

I want to visit Leuven before heading to Italy. I want to spend time with my angel and gray lotuses in Begijnhof. I want to cook Indian food with my dear friend Lee. I want to visit Holy Spirit Collage for one last time, may be should make a confession for all my sinful behavior.... Leuven, to be honest, though it was not the best time of my life, I do miss Leuven, not so much fr the city but for the warmth, love and affection that I received from these leuveners. The warmth that helped me tide over extreme cold phase in my personal life.

I never thought my dream of visiting Italy will come true so soon, now when it is just round the corner, i have questions in my mind. Yes dreams do come true but one must be able to accept the change life circumstances that go hand in hand with dreams coming true. I really want to accept my changed life circumstances and be open to its ever changing nature. Life has to move on, not just in literal way but also in metaphysical way... see, I told you I am studying ethics these days.. words like metaphysical, phenomenological, deontological and so on have already made place in my vocabulary.

Thank you all for being my strength, hope and reason to live on...

Moral dilemma about some facebook friends

I do not know who my readers are, nor do I know who am I writing to. But I have a serious trouble with some 'friends' on facebook. The ostracization on facebook still continues, it is still a strong way that some people are telling me 'to buzz off' from their lives. It almost feels like a slow social death, I wish there was concept of dying with dignity even in these virtual communities but there seems none unless I do something drastic and remove these so called 'Friends' from my lists.. it almost seems like active or passive euthanasia debate that I have been reading for the exams tomorrow..

Let me try Nijmegen method of Moral case deliberation. It starts with postulating the moral dilemma. My moral dilemma is:

'Do I need these 'friends' on facebook that are his friends in first place but who one by one take pleasure in removing me from their facebook and still cause pain at the end of six months?'

On one evening when he was in his romantic best, he handed over to me in a symbolic way his best friends saying 'my life is now yours and my friends are also yours'. Now, it was my stupidity that I believed both these statements. I should have known from my own life experience that we make our own friends, we grow in friendship and friends are not commodities that can be exchanged along with vows of love. But I was blind in love and I was suddenly trilled to be connected with these bunch of bright, smart and intelligent group of friends from very diverse professional backgrounds than mine. I felt I would grow in their company and I would also find their support and friendship.

I dont know if my expectation of being supported by his friends was realistic. Now looking back at time, I feel I was stupid yet again. We suddenly had a number of common friends and what best way can we have to be connected other than facebook. So I had some 20 odd friends of his as my friends on facebook and he had some similar no of my friends. First thing he did after our troubles in relationship was to block me on the facebook.. next to go were my friends who were on his list. He actively blocked us all. The message was clear, I do not want to hear anything about you, you may live or die, I dont care. I still did not give up my hope of reconciling through communication again. The man is silent for almost six months now and I admire his strength and determination not to communicate with me come what may.

But I never wanted to use the same tactics as him. I do not see a point in blocking people off on facebook. I am a strong believer in channels of communication and I feel that every problem can be discussed amongst sensible adults. But, his friends who are on my list of friends do not seem to buy my logic. One by one whenever they feel like or they remember this one name on their facebook list of few hundred friends, they just block me out. How do I know? Well I see my number of friends going down and it is always one of his friends who has decided to do so in response to some post notifications about my life on their facebooks. Within seconds, I can figure out who is gone this time and this has happened now 6th or 7th time but it still hurts. It hurts to know that I am not wanted even in virtual life of some people. It feels like being ostracized, untouchable, dangerous, virulent virus. Sometime 2day, a bright woman whom I thought would be the last person to do this blocking/removing business has chosen to do so.. I am surprised and I must say I am a bit sad.. but I understand, for all of them, I am the criminal and their friend is the poor victim. Off course their loyalties are for him.

My question then is why should I have these remaining 14 'friends' on my list. They do feel intense pain for sure when they see my pictures tagged or read my updates. I have caused intense pain to their friend and I am causing even more pain just because I am trying to be happy again, I am trying to live again. I should have been and should remain devastated, sad, sorry for myself. I have no moral right to live my life after having destroyed life of their friend. What is stopping me then from taking the required action.

I think what stops me is this strong notion that I should not act the way they are acting. Then there is no difference between them and me. I know that just being a friend on facebook means nothing if there is no trust whatsoever or even willingness to try and understand the other side of the story. But same applies to me. I still hope some day I would understand their side of the story, why they did what they did.

I have two options to be precise. First, continue with my life and the facebook. If they cant take that anymore, they have their agency and autonomy to remove me from facebook and I will have to accept it and get used to it. The fact is at this moment, I am far from accepting it and it causes me a lot of pain. Second option is, I use my agency and autonomy and remove these so called 'friends' from my list in one go and end the matter. I am free then to live my life and continue on my path without feeling being judged by someone who mattered to me once upon a time. When the man in question has chosen to stay out of my life and out of communication, what could I expect from his friends? Why hold on to them? I dont think they will ever try and understand my story. They wont because they are not my friends in first place, they are friends by association. I should read more about Aristotelian concept of friendship. Wonder what category of friendship these kind of facebook friends will fall in to? May be contractual? I am not sure but I am very sure it is not a friendship based on a virtue.

To be honest, I am so angry right now that I just want to block each one of them one by one at this very moment and make them feel the pain that it causes me. But First of all, it is more like taking a revenge and second, it may not cause them any pain. They might have a sign of relief or they may further have their opinion strengthened 'what a selfish woman, she has no emotions whatsoever. Thank god she is out of our friend's life or he was destined to doom'.

Last option is I stay out of facebook. But then what about my other friends who have stood by me in ups and down and who reach out to me through facebook from different corners of the world. I believe in communication, so how can I cut of this very means of communication?

If I have to use analogy of euthanasia jargon right now, the choices I have are active euthanasia (me removing these friends), passive euthanasia (allowing them to take the decision for themselves and accept the fact that they will block me whenever they feel like and live everyday with that threat/fear) or suicide (deleting my profile from facebook).

The choice is tough and to be honest I don't know how to make one.