It is no wonder that I want to start this series with the story of my father. I am proud to be his daughter. He was the first feminist role model in my life together with my mother..and a large attribute to my flourishing life today goes to these two.... This one is for you dad... I know I never said this to you while you were alive.. but I am going to say it now.. I am deeply indebted to you for making me who I am today.. I am proud that you are my father and I carry you, your ideologies, your simplicity and your way of looking at life with me in each step of life...Thank you for being my father, my role model..
My father came from a humble family background. He was the cherished, precious son of a lower middle class Hindu Brahmin family with three daughters. What I know from the stories told in the family, his birth was a big joyous event, the boy was conceived after three girls but I think, his birth also raised a lot of expectations, expectations his parents had from their first 'son'... he did not fulfill most of their expectations, he rebelled and chose a path of life that was not approved by his parents. I am sure there was quite some pain involved... he dropped out of school, he ran away from home, he hung around friends from lower castes, he learned how to drive auto rickshaw instead of finishing high school.. he started smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol by the age of 18 and all this behavior of him caused a lot of pain to his parents... and he also suffered quite some pain, the pain that stayed with him throughout his life. He never blamed anyone for his failure in professional life, he took responsibility for his alcohol dependence... my father was not educated in the formal sense of the word but he was highly forward thinking and encultured.. in my mother tongue Marathi, we have two distinct words.. सुशिक्षित आणि सुसंस्कृत . The first word means well educated and the other one indicates well cultured, I dont know if such a word exists in English.
My father married my mother against the approval of his family. His family was concerned that my mother was more educated than my father and earned more money. May be they were concerned that she is not going to be one of those women that could be subordinated and controlled.. my mother is far from it. It also seems that they had trouble with my mother's profession. My mother is a trained nurse and worked in a tertiary hospital in three different work shifts. In those days, the profession of nursing was frowned upon in Brahmin community for a variety of reasons. Traditionally, widows were trained as nurses by British nursing schools to give them an honorable life. It was also assumed that 'good' women do not spend nights out of their house. Being a nurse meant my mother will work in night shifts and she will work in close collaboration with male doctors. The family of my father in some ways saw my mother as a more powerful and hence potentially dominating and threatening woman, not someone that you would chose as a wife for your son. My father was convinced that my mother was the right partner for him and they eloped. Their married life started in harsh context, without support or blessings of his family and with constant criticism.. my father's family ridiculed him for many years for being his wife's pet... it hurt him a lot but he never felt any remorse or anger towards my mother.. he was very proud of his wife who was a strong woman, determined and who would take powerful steps for the welfare of her family. He said it again and again to her and to others how lucky he was to have her in his life and he gave all the credit of his happy healthy family to his wife.... He accepted with open heart that his wife was far better and stronger than him in every walk of life. He never felt threatened by her success or her persona, rather he always felt huge pride in her accomplishments..
I am their first born daughter...during that pregnancy, my mother had explained my father how X and Y chromosomes define gender of the baby and had made it clear to him that she doesn't care about the gender of the baby.. all she wanted was a healthy child.. he wondered why was she explaining him all this for he truly believed in and hoped for the same.. a birth of their healthy child.. boy or the girl did not matter... my birth was a great moment of joy for both of them.. they celebrated it on a grand scale in spite of limited financial capacity and on the backdrop of criticism of his family... 'these two are celebrating birth of a daughter as if it is a son...' they just wanted to make a clear statement, our daughter is our first child and we are very happy with her arrival...during their second pregnancy, they both decided together not to use ultrasound technology to know the gender of the baby and were happy to have two daughters if that would be the case..
I grew up in a family where my father shared all the household responsibilities with my mother equally... he was highly involved in child care, he used to cook for us, get us ready for school. He learned how to tie my hair even though I hated and disapproved his not so perfect way of tying my hair..they could not afford child care so they started working in opposite shifts so that one of them will always be there at home for us. So my mom would work in morning shift and he would take afternoon shift.. this meant, the two never had a day off together. It definitely affected their personal lives but they were clear about their priority towards us. Cooking, laundry, cleaning house, taking us to school, everything was shared.. my mother loved cooking so he would let her cook but he always cleaned the kitchen afterwords.. once she was finished cooking, he would tell her to leave the kitchen and sit down and he used to serve her meal... I have so many fond memories of those shared tasks in the kitchen.. he used to chop vegetables and get things ready so that she could cook in less time... it was no wonder that both me and my brother had to do our share in housework. We were treated equal..I hated working in the kitchen but my brother was always happy playing and experimenting with my mother while cooking.. and that was fine as long as I then took over other tasks in the home.. I was never forced to take up cooking because I was a girl and my brother was never reprimanded for being so interested in cooking...only thing they told us was that we should not get caught in any stereotypes on what is the domain for men or women, boys or girls, each one should be able to and willing to do anything that needs to be done... that was their life skill education for us...
My father and my mother always told us to critically examine every tradition, every custom and not to accept everything just because some religious scripture, some powerful men say something or ask us to do something... they instilled this critical questioning skill in us. They made us think independently from very young age. We were encouraged to question their actions and behavior as well and they took that in a positive spirit. They also taught us to make our own decisions after careful consideration. They wanted us to make mistakes and learn from those. They gave us freedom to chose our professional calling. They asked important questions that gave practical grounding to our decisions but they never imposed their dreams or their hopes on our lives.. our education and decisions related to that, my dad mainly handed over that to my mother.. he was honest, he said, he did not understand much about higher education and hence my mother was appropriate point person for us to discuss those issues with... We were also given a lot of financial responsibility for the household from very young age. My parents used to hand over the money and the budget for the monthly household costs to us and we were to run the expenses. It made us realize how to use money wisely, how to save little bits but in a sustained manner...one distinct difference of our childhood was we were never taught to be afraid of any one, even of our parents. Our father never used corporal punishment which was seen as a normal way of disciplining children in those days. This probably has to do with the way my father was disciplined by his father. We learned that my father was often beaten and even starved as a child to discipline him and to modify his behavior. That might have left strong impact on him. But he chose to use different ways to bring us up..
In my adolescence, my father asked my mother to explain to him about menstruation in girls so that he could be prepared to support me in case I started my periods while my mother was at work and he was the one at home.. when I look back at sensitivity of this man, even today, I feel deeply overwhelmed and moved by this gesture of my dad. Both me and my brother were taught to treat people from all castes, religions with utmost respect and trust. We were also encouraged to have friends from different social environments and from both genders. They always told us that there is nothing wrong to have friends with opposite gender as long as you know what the friendship means for you and what are the boundaries of that friendship. This was valuable lesson at home especially when at school and in society, we had seen people presenting the friends who were boys as being girl friends just to be safe at home... my father had great ability to connect with other people, he would make friends easily and he fully trusted life and people in general. There were many instances where people whom he trusted took advantage of him but he was never bitter, nor did he doubt everyone else based on these few bad experiences. He also demonstrated strong empathy in his everyday interactions and treated women, elderly and not so well off with great respect. He had very few material needs, he would share his food and clothes with those who had nothing. He believed in giving his share to the world without expecting any returns. He was deeply supportive of a young boy who used to clean dishes in his office cafeteria. This boy was studying in night school and every year as he passed his exams, my dad was equally proud of this boy as he was proud of us.... he was a very simple man and he could find joy in most simple things... he had a gift to find something good in every situation and he had ability to find reasons to smile in most difficult and trying situations.. I remember distinctly his smile, a smile so pure and straight from heart, a genuine smile... a smile that would shine in spite of a lot of pain and suffering that he had gone through and that he had caused...
Like every parent-child relationship, we had fair share of conflict and troubles and I have not always been kind to my dad. I have hurt him many times, sometimes out of anger, or frustration.. but as I grow older and reflect on life, I realize more and more what a special man my father was.. I realize how much he has influenced my life, how many of his personality traits I share with him. I also feel a huge burden of guilt for my insensitivity towards his suffering, his alcohol dependence, I did not make enough effort to understand and listen to his struggle, I saw him as a weak man. It took me many years, diverse life experiences and his sudden death to realize what a strong man and loving father he was.. I never expressed my gratitude towards him while he was alive, I took his contribution towards raising us for granted... I am ashamed of my arrogance and narrow understanding of strength or a greatness of a person... I have learned over decades now that success of a person is not just in the money he has earned or material success he achieved in his life time but rather in the legacy he has left behind... and my father left behind quite a legacy, a legacy of simplicity, humility, trust, empathy.... Thank you dad for being such a strong role model in my life, for teaching me what it means to be a good man... I am trying to lead a trustworthy relationship with myself and the others around me and your life is definitely a guiding light for me...... I know you are happy watching us grow.. and mature with each passing day with each new life experience... Thank YOU....
My father came from a humble family background. He was the cherished, precious son of a lower middle class Hindu Brahmin family with three daughters. What I know from the stories told in the family, his birth was a big joyous event, the boy was conceived after three girls but I think, his birth also raised a lot of expectations, expectations his parents had from their first 'son'... he did not fulfill most of their expectations, he rebelled and chose a path of life that was not approved by his parents. I am sure there was quite some pain involved... he dropped out of school, he ran away from home, he hung around friends from lower castes, he learned how to drive auto rickshaw instead of finishing high school.. he started smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol by the age of 18 and all this behavior of him caused a lot of pain to his parents... and he also suffered quite some pain, the pain that stayed with him throughout his life. He never blamed anyone for his failure in professional life, he took responsibility for his alcohol dependence... my father was not educated in the formal sense of the word but he was highly forward thinking and encultured.. in my mother tongue Marathi, we have two distinct words.. सुशिक्षित आणि सुसंस्कृत . The first word means well educated and the other one indicates well cultured, I dont know if such a word exists in English.
My father married my mother against the approval of his family. His family was concerned that my mother was more educated than my father and earned more money. May be they were concerned that she is not going to be one of those women that could be subordinated and controlled.. my mother is far from it. It also seems that they had trouble with my mother's profession. My mother is a trained nurse and worked in a tertiary hospital in three different work shifts. In those days, the profession of nursing was frowned upon in Brahmin community for a variety of reasons. Traditionally, widows were trained as nurses by British nursing schools to give them an honorable life. It was also assumed that 'good' women do not spend nights out of their house. Being a nurse meant my mother will work in night shifts and she will work in close collaboration with male doctors. The family of my father in some ways saw my mother as a more powerful and hence potentially dominating and threatening woman, not someone that you would chose as a wife for your son. My father was convinced that my mother was the right partner for him and they eloped. Their married life started in harsh context, without support or blessings of his family and with constant criticism.. my father's family ridiculed him for many years for being his wife's pet... it hurt him a lot but he never felt any remorse or anger towards my mother.. he was very proud of his wife who was a strong woman, determined and who would take powerful steps for the welfare of her family. He said it again and again to her and to others how lucky he was to have her in his life and he gave all the credit of his happy healthy family to his wife.... He accepted with open heart that his wife was far better and stronger than him in every walk of life. He never felt threatened by her success or her persona, rather he always felt huge pride in her accomplishments..
I am their first born daughter...during that pregnancy, my mother had explained my father how X and Y chromosomes define gender of the baby and had made it clear to him that she doesn't care about the gender of the baby.. all she wanted was a healthy child.. he wondered why was she explaining him all this for he truly believed in and hoped for the same.. a birth of their healthy child.. boy or the girl did not matter... my birth was a great moment of joy for both of them.. they celebrated it on a grand scale in spite of limited financial capacity and on the backdrop of criticism of his family... 'these two are celebrating birth of a daughter as if it is a son...' they just wanted to make a clear statement, our daughter is our first child and we are very happy with her arrival...during their second pregnancy, they both decided together not to use ultrasound technology to know the gender of the baby and were happy to have two daughters if that would be the case..
I grew up in a family where my father shared all the household responsibilities with my mother equally... he was highly involved in child care, he used to cook for us, get us ready for school. He learned how to tie my hair even though I hated and disapproved his not so perfect way of tying my hair..they could not afford child care so they started working in opposite shifts so that one of them will always be there at home for us. So my mom would work in morning shift and he would take afternoon shift.. this meant, the two never had a day off together. It definitely affected their personal lives but they were clear about their priority towards us. Cooking, laundry, cleaning house, taking us to school, everything was shared.. my mother loved cooking so he would let her cook but he always cleaned the kitchen afterwords.. once she was finished cooking, he would tell her to leave the kitchen and sit down and he used to serve her meal... I have so many fond memories of those shared tasks in the kitchen.. he used to chop vegetables and get things ready so that she could cook in less time... it was no wonder that both me and my brother had to do our share in housework. We were treated equal..I hated working in the kitchen but my brother was always happy playing and experimenting with my mother while cooking.. and that was fine as long as I then took over other tasks in the home.. I was never forced to take up cooking because I was a girl and my brother was never reprimanded for being so interested in cooking...only thing they told us was that we should not get caught in any stereotypes on what is the domain for men or women, boys or girls, each one should be able to and willing to do anything that needs to be done... that was their life skill education for us...
My father and my mother always told us to critically examine every tradition, every custom and not to accept everything just because some religious scripture, some powerful men say something or ask us to do something... they instilled this critical questioning skill in us. They made us think independently from very young age. We were encouraged to question their actions and behavior as well and they took that in a positive spirit. They also taught us to make our own decisions after careful consideration. They wanted us to make mistakes and learn from those. They gave us freedom to chose our professional calling. They asked important questions that gave practical grounding to our decisions but they never imposed their dreams or their hopes on our lives.. our education and decisions related to that, my dad mainly handed over that to my mother.. he was honest, he said, he did not understand much about higher education and hence my mother was appropriate point person for us to discuss those issues with... We were also given a lot of financial responsibility for the household from very young age. My parents used to hand over the money and the budget for the monthly household costs to us and we were to run the expenses. It made us realize how to use money wisely, how to save little bits but in a sustained manner...one distinct difference of our childhood was we were never taught to be afraid of any one, even of our parents. Our father never used corporal punishment which was seen as a normal way of disciplining children in those days. This probably has to do with the way my father was disciplined by his father. We learned that my father was often beaten and even starved as a child to discipline him and to modify his behavior. That might have left strong impact on him. But he chose to use different ways to bring us up..
In my adolescence, my father asked my mother to explain to him about menstruation in girls so that he could be prepared to support me in case I started my periods while my mother was at work and he was the one at home.. when I look back at sensitivity of this man, even today, I feel deeply overwhelmed and moved by this gesture of my dad. Both me and my brother were taught to treat people from all castes, religions with utmost respect and trust. We were also encouraged to have friends from different social environments and from both genders. They always told us that there is nothing wrong to have friends with opposite gender as long as you know what the friendship means for you and what are the boundaries of that friendship. This was valuable lesson at home especially when at school and in society, we had seen people presenting the friends who were boys as being girl friends just to be safe at home... my father had great ability to connect with other people, he would make friends easily and he fully trusted life and people in general. There were many instances where people whom he trusted took advantage of him but he was never bitter, nor did he doubt everyone else based on these few bad experiences. He also demonstrated strong empathy in his everyday interactions and treated women, elderly and not so well off with great respect. He had very few material needs, he would share his food and clothes with those who had nothing. He believed in giving his share to the world without expecting any returns. He was deeply supportive of a young boy who used to clean dishes in his office cafeteria. This boy was studying in night school and every year as he passed his exams, my dad was equally proud of this boy as he was proud of us.... he was a very simple man and he could find joy in most simple things... he had a gift to find something good in every situation and he had ability to find reasons to smile in most difficult and trying situations.. I remember distinctly his smile, a smile so pure and straight from heart, a genuine smile... a smile that would shine in spite of a lot of pain and suffering that he had gone through and that he had caused...
Like every parent-child relationship, we had fair share of conflict and troubles and I have not always been kind to my dad. I have hurt him many times, sometimes out of anger, or frustration.. but as I grow older and reflect on life, I realize more and more what a special man my father was.. I realize how much he has influenced my life, how many of his personality traits I share with him. I also feel a huge burden of guilt for my insensitivity towards his suffering, his alcohol dependence, I did not make enough effort to understand and listen to his struggle, I saw him as a weak man. It took me many years, diverse life experiences and his sudden death to realize what a strong man and loving father he was.. I never expressed my gratitude towards him while he was alive, I took his contribution towards raising us for granted... I am ashamed of my arrogance and narrow understanding of strength or a greatness of a person... I have learned over decades now that success of a person is not just in the money he has earned or material success he achieved in his life time but rather in the legacy he has left behind... and my father left behind quite a legacy, a legacy of simplicity, humility, trust, empathy.... Thank you dad for being such a strong role model in my life, for teaching me what it means to be a good man... I am trying to lead a trustworthy relationship with myself and the others around me and your life is definitely a guiding light for me...... I know you are happy watching us grow.. and mature with each passing day with each new life experience... Thank YOU....
