The heater trouble

It is windy and rainy since this morning. The wind is so strong that I can hear it through my closed windows. I have been feeling quite cold inside my apartment and that is strange because generally heating in my room is comfortable, rather bit on warm side. I touched the heater panel and found it ice cold. That explains it all, why my room feels cold. But it doesn't explain why in first place the heater has stopped functioning. I adjust the knob, no change. I checked it after 30 minutes, hoping that slowly it would start heating up. Just the way body tissue starts showing life slowly as the blood flow is streamlined. But no, something is wrong with my heater and he is not working.

When in trouble with household appliances, what do you do? Well you go and knock on your neighbors' door. I tried that. None of my neighbors are home. The heater in the lobby is emitting good amount of heat, the lobby of my apartment is warmer than my room. May be I should take my chair outside, sit there and read. But that is not a convenient option. May be I should just wait for my neighbors to return home. I must be attentive to sound, I generally hear the main door in the lobby being opened and shut. The residence caretaker can only be contacted twice a week that too for an hour, from 4 to 5 pm by phone. None of my emails written to him in English ever got reply. I do not see much help coming from that end.

Nonfunctional heater seems such a non significant trouble but the fact is it is causing me some serious worries. I know very well that I could not sleep all night just a month ago for feeling very cold. It was only in the morning I realized that my heater had given away. I am so hoping that suddenly my heater will start breathing life, the warm water will start circulating through its channels heating up the metallic body and radiating heat. A patient which has gone in cardiac arrest and is successfully defibrillated or a person who is drowning has been brought to shore, and the water from the lungs is squeezed out.. that first breath of air.. that cough.. it gives a sign that the life is saved.. a happy cough.. i need something similar to happen for my heater. But I dont know if he needs a defibrillator or just squeezing water out... whatever it may be, I just hope that he will suddenly come alive, warm up my room and also warm up my life in metaphoric ways...

Do I have some heater specialist, technicians, heater expert in this universe who can help me fix this problem?

There is a bone in my heart and kidney in my brain

Dont get surprised by the title of this blog. I have not lost my sanity or hit the blues yet again. Rather the opposite. We had quite a day at school. It started with a lecture on stem cell therapy and we moved on to nanotechnology. Both lectures were fascinating, at moments I felt as if I was listening to a science fiction. I also had hearty laugh when there was discussion of creating 'non sticky glue' or water resistant/stain proof/ bacteria resistant clothes using nano technology. It is amazing how rapidly the science and technology is changing around us and how hard it is to get correct and sound information from this explosion of information. We are floating in this ocean of information, most of the times being quite unsure about how to process this information and how can we best use this technology.

Today, I got one clarification which I have been struggling with for quite some time. I wont need to store cord blood of my babies as there is no direct and real benefit of it, is expensive and there are huge doubts about the collection process, storage and overall quality assurance of such bio-banks. I remembered a number of my girlfriends who have invested a lot of money in storing these samples for their children. India is always quick to accept, integrate and indegenize a new technology. We have these cord blood banks mushrooming everywhere, their glossy pamphlets and brochures and celestial promises and hopes for a bright healthy future for the child. Decisions are not always easy unless you have access to true experts who can differential facts from the myths in a way that general population can understand. Stem cell therapy is classic example, we learned about false claims made by some clinics endangering the lives of patients who sought services at such clinics and what do you do if these clinics pop up first on the Google search results. The message today was clear, dont be fooled by the claims. Be aware, well informed client/customer.

One of my teachers always urged me to acquire the skills to communicate most complicated scientific data to the lay man in simplest language and yet get the point across. Speak to the audiences, make these distant technical domains into a reality that everyone can feel part of. Write books for larger audiences, beyond the academia, use whatever means one needs to reach out to the people who need correct yet simplified information. Today, I really felt the importance of it. As a person not involved in stem cell research or nano technology, it was easy to get lost or to feel terribly and misleadingly impressed with all the claims of such development. I think both my teachers today did a fantastic job of simplifying the most technical and complex discussions into something very simple, easy to understand yet very technical and sound. They also made us look at these technologies with critical eye and to be aware of ethical/moral dilemmas that are being created in the process. I some day hope to be able to teach like that.. whatever field that may be, medicine, public health, anthropology or ethics. I want to be a teacher, the kind of teachers that shaped my life. I want to pay it forward.

The other thing that fascinated me today was the NEJM publication of corneal implant from limbal stem cells in Italy. I kept dreaming with my open eyes how much blindness can be corrected in my country if we can make this technology accessible and affordable in vast majority of India, both urban and rural. Corneal opacity is the leading cause of blindness in India, also in children. Some of it can be prevented by timely supplement of vitamin A but we still have lot of children going blind. Adults with traumatic eye injury, chemical burns and acid attacks.. I could not keep my excitement in control thinking about these future possibilities. I know I have to be realistic and there are still many challenges to overcome but is it wrong to dream about a healthier future? I am well aware that health for all is still a far fetched dream for many people in this world, but I dont want to turn a blind eye to every other advance till we achieve basic health care for all.

Yesterday I wrote about what kind of future I see for myself as a woman both professionally and personally. I had a living example of kind of woman I want to be in next 20 years. I want to be like the professor we had this morning. Her personality, style, ability to explain and teach, everything was fascinating. I kept looking at her with great respect and inspiration. I really want to be like her, a complete woman, strong, gentle, articulate, beautiful, intelligent.. all in one...I have a role model now.. I cant wait to hug the future me....

Being a woman...

Today we mark the centenary celebration of International women's day. The newspapers and media are writing about women, their achievements, some are also focusing on challenges that lay ahead especially for women in the developing countries. The social networking sites are being used enthusiastically to wish the women 'happy women's day'. Some men are also acknowledging the role played by women in their lives. There is ongoing debate whether we need feminism in todays age as if we have achieved everything that we needed to achieve for all the women in this world. I keep thinking, what does womanhood mean to me? I am not going to write about gender and feminist theory, I am not even talking about global issues related to women. I want to take this moment to reflect upon my life as a woman, what has it provided me with? what are the challenges ahead? How do I perceive myself as a woman at this point of time and how do I want to be in coming years.

I must say that I am lucky. I was born in middle class family in urban India. My parents celebrated my birth though some relatives were a bit disappointed. Growing up in this family, I never felt I was any different because I was a woman because my father took equal share of household responsibility including looking after us and my brother was raised in the same fashion. There was one difference though. I was taught basic self defense skills in order to protect myself in the society around me. I was taught to be alert and watchful while being out in the world. I was taught to distinguish healthy 'gaze' from an unhealthy uncomfortable 'stare'. I was told to dress appropriately so that I do not attract or invite trouble for myself. Growing up in this safe neighborhood in suburban Mumbai, I did encounter some incidences which made me realize that it is a bit different to be a young woman as compared to being a young man. There are some things that I could do to prevent harm/assault but I cant fully neutralize my risks simply because I cant hide the fact that I am a woman.

As a young woman, I started thinking .. what else I could do to 'protect' myself? Do not trust the men blindly. Be alert and cautious. Stay away from 'boys trouble'. Make your boundaries very clear. Be strong,physically and emotionally. Be independent financially and physically. Learn to make your own decisions and take the responsibility of your decisions. Do not let fear overcome you. You can be all that you want to be, all you need is to work very hard. For a middle class woman, not 'beautiful' by standard norms of beauty in my society, education is a strong way out. I studied and studied and till date I continue to study. Education showed me the path out. I became financially stable. Many new opportunities opened up in front of me, thanks to my qualifications. But the walls of defense also grew taller. In the pursuit of being a strong, self reliant woman, I almost ceased being a woman. Android soul in a woman's body. Strange indeed, that way, I could neither be fully man in men's world and I had lost the essence of being a woman. I grew increasingly lonely as I could not fit in either world and both men and women found me unapproachable, that 'weird' woman out there.

So, on this evening, I want to think about ways to 'feel' my femininity. Feminity is being more than being charming, genttle, delicate and soft woman clad in fancy clothes and adorned with jwellary, protected by men all her life. Femininity for me means finding the essence of being a woman and being comfortable in my skin. I do not feel that I have lost something for being a woman. Rather the contrary. I have gained more for being a woman. My sensitivity towards the others, my ability to connect with the other, caring nature has helped me in every walk of life, both personally and professionally. Please do not read these lines as if these characters are only found in women. No, I am aware of men men who are gentle, soft, tender, sensitive and caring. My aim is not to reify 'men' and 'women'. All I want is to bring in best of both the sides and imbibe those qualities and values. I do not know how to go about it but I think reflecting on it is already a step forward.

I want to cherish the fact that I am a woman. It does not mean, I am going to use my gender as a tool but it gives a meaning to my life, it is part of being me and I do not want to forget that. I do not want to reject all the facets of being woman because of the hues of dependence, weakness and softness that it projects. Rather my task is to find the balance. I want to be strong in soul and spirit but not intimidating. I want to be flexible depending on context. Gentle touch could be a biggest strength in some situations and strong decisions are critically needed in some other delicate situations. I do not want to be isolated island, the far stretched effect of strong individualism and independence. At the same time I dont want to be dependent on the others at all times and in extreme ways and lose my voice and own thought process. I prefer to be interdependent, with myself and the fellow beings around me, striking a balance in this web of life. I want to trust myself and my abilities. I want to rely on my strengths at the same time be aware of my weaknesses. I want to regain my faith in life and in fellow human beings and nothing should stop me from acknowledging, accepting my troubles and seeking help. I want to be part of everyone and larger community around me but at the same time i want to retain my 'me'ness. This is not arrogance. It is a hope that I could dissolve with the others like the spoon of sugar in the milk but still impart my distinct taste to the milk. I do not want to feel afraid in any settings just because I am a woman. I do not want to restrict my dreams because I am a woman. I do not want to create boundaries for myself nor would I accept the boundaries made by the others and roles defined for me by the others. I want to destroy many norms, hierarchies, discriminations and divisions but I want to create life and cherish humanity. I want to laugh and feel light and relaxed, not as obsessive type A alpha woman. Nothing against alpha women, it is just that I am trying to break these stereotypes. Because, whenever we have such categories, we try to fit ourselves in one or the other. If we do not fit in any, we start feeling uncomfortable and start chopping off our appendages and our being to fit at least in one norm, the category where we could fit with the least damage. I do not see men as my competitors rather i want to have them in my life as a compliment, making us a complete, mutually supportive beings. I do want to be one with all the women, in each continent, in each circumstances as however different we may be on the surface, we all have something common, the essence of being a woman and that is what i want to celebrate, not just today but every single day.

It is such a hard task to express my feelings and thoughts and I am not satisfied with my own expression. May be it is my limited capacity or it is vastness of the concept .. not all concepts could be easily describe.. and how do I even begin to describe the meaning of being a woman when it is my very existence.. I cant step out of it for a moment, look at 'it' as an observer and then report back on it.. this methodology wont make justice to the purpose. Rather I would accept, this defective attempt to reflect on how i see and understand myself being a woman and on the eve of women's day and every single day that follows.....

March 2011 Day 2

A day of relaxation led to a day of utter panic and anxiety. I have to present a paper arguing life fatigue as justification for euthanasia in current Dutch law. It is killing me thinking about how will it go tomorrow. I know most of my classmates are strictly against euthanasia, no matter what. The sanctity of life and inviolability of life prevails. Well, I understand their view point but i cant make it my view point. I believe in context and I feel that each person is capable enough to make a choice whether the life is still worth living or not. The trouble is, i don't have bioethical principles to defend my position. Let me put it this way, typical pro-euthanasia arguments have been thrashed many times before. There is unsettled tension between pro and contra euthanasia lobby and I hang somewhere in between these two.

How am I going to present tomorrow? One way of looking at it is to encourage my classmates to criticize my arguments. That way I can listen to their objections, without taking them personally. Later, I could sit down and think about those objections and try and answer those to defend my position.

Why is it so hard to be criticized? I am not just talking about being criticized for argument sake but also in life. I find it hard to remain neutral and not get defensive when i am being criticized. I think it is high time to learn this essential competence, being able to accept the criticism with open mind. Being able to see through the criticism and reevaluate it in my own context. I take all criticism too seriously, sometimes I don't even challenge it, just accept it and almost internalize it. I am going to give it a serious try tomorrow. Remain calm, smile and thank everyone whoever has critical suggestion or argument against my argument. We will see how well i manage to do it.

I am getting addicted to lays classic salted chips. It gets worse when I am stressed. I gulped the entire packet of 250 gms of lays in one day along with 200 gms bar of a dark chocolate. This is definitely not going in right direction. Be aware for health reasons, I tell myself but it falls on deaf ears.

I still have to write two page summary of the article I am reviewing and then work on ethical case that I am presenting Friday morning. Already thinking of the weekend. My friends are coming over and we all are looking forward to a well deserved break. No more euthanasia talks, no more life problems. It is time to unwind and enjoy ourselves, laugh and sing and dance together, be crazy and have fun. Can I fast forward the time to Friday evening? That way, i dont need to present the article nor do I need to deliberate a clinical ethical dilemma.

is there a smart idea to take little power breaks like power naps? Taking a big break yesterday doesn't seem like a very fruitful idea if i see how stressed I have been all day today....well, all I can tell myself is that it is just a presentation to my class, not a life and death situation. Give it a try and even if it goes bad, tell myself.. 'shit happens sometime'. but to be honest these word do not reach that panicky, shaky soul of mine, atleast not at this point in time.

March 2011 Day 1

I feel sad and overwhelmed as my days in Nijmegen are coming to an end. Part of it could be uncertainty of what future holds but is that not universal? Who knows what unexpected turns and crossroads await our seemingly routine life? I have been thinking a lot about ways to change this feeling of blue and turning it into something fun, memorable and worth trying for.

Yesterday i was flipping through some of the blogs from the bloggers that I follow and it became clear that many bloggers go through the feelings i am struggling with right now. They have been creative about finding answers and some of them have gone a step further and shared it with others through their blog. One such idea I found fascinating is called Project 365 in collaboration with flickr. It asks people to take a picture a day, capture different themes, moods and try to summarize your day either through the picture itself or through little description of what made you capture that moment in a picture. There were some examples posted about various participants of project 365 and I must say it was interesting way to keep oneself motivated. It also feels like a nice, systematic way of creating a pictorial memoir to reflect on, few years down the line.

I woke up this morning and started fiddling with my list of things to do. That is how generally i start my day. Today I decided to start my day differently, no lists to follow, no tasks to complete. I was going to do nothing as per the plan. I decided to surprise myself and allow my body and mind to tell me what I should do and how I should spend my day. Spending a day this way was not hard but I think what was hard was not to feel guilty for having wasted a day. This concept waste is such a problematic concept anyways! who decides what is waste? in what context and from what perspective? No more task oriented activities today. I asked myself what do I want to do today?

First I downloaded pictures from my camera onto laptop, I have lost interest in taking pictures for about 8 months now, this has to change I told myself. I flipped through some of my photo collections, off course some painful memories came back but to be honest, i also had many moments of smile just looking at the pictures and reliving those moments and the happy moments outweighed the sad memories for sure. Then I decided to put some of those pictures on facebook. I have been consciously avoiding facebook but today I decided to change my cautionary approach to facebook into one with excitement and enthusiasm. The first picture that went alive was of my dinner plate from last night. Spinach, spicy potato vegetable with cumin seeds and beautiful golden coloured soft phulka.. I had a perfect meal last night and though I was hungry, something compelled me to take a picture before eating it. Must be the inspiration of project 365. I looked at the picture and at food in particular with love and tenderness of the kind that a mother might look at the picture of her new born baby. I smiled to myself. I knew it was working magic in some ways. Immediately there were pop -ups of friends liking the picture from different corners of the world, Nijmegen, Nepal and Nigeria to be precise. I knew why facebook becomes so addictive, this immediate thumbs-up that you receive across world wide web, across national borders and oceans. Soon Spain, Zambia and Bolivia followed. I could only laugh at my own silliness and the happiness that i felt through this silly encouragement and appreciation.

Next I decided to let my hair loose and dance a bit in my apartment. I put my favourite music on, closed the window, pulled the curtains, closed my eyes and started swirling to the music. Closing eyes always helps. I was sure no body from outside could see me dance alone, even i myself could not see me dancing. That would have made me very uncomfortable. It was my body and music , no rules, no aims, no goals just the sheer joy of dancing to the tunes of music and it felt magical. I was happy and light as a feather with a smile stretching from ear to ear. This was Tara, who had inspired me to try dancing for myself through her blog Tea and Cookies. Thank you Tara, I know this works. All I need to do is to remember this joyous moment when I am feeling low and depressed. In those moments, I can hardly remember things that make me feel good. I get engulfed into darkness, vacuum, meaninglessness.

There is a beautiful graveyard near my house. Something that scares me when i have to bike home after dark. My friends know about this fear and some of them have been throwing ideas at me to overcome this fear. Today I decided to meet this fear head on. I walked to the gate of the graveyard with a friend of mine, opened the gate and walked in. My friend followed me. I was surprised that there was no sign of fear. It got totally replaced by calmness and curiosity. I felt free. It was incredible. I needed no assistance from my friend though i must say his presence with me helped me take the first step. It was huge, different kind of graves, marbles and granites and flowers, fake and real. There were some symbolic things all around, some angels, some birds, some sculptures and carvings. I heard soft wind chymes from a corner and i was pulled in the direction of the sound. A tree was studded with wind chymes, different shapes, materials and different kinds. I stood there speechless, experiencing amazing sense of peace within. I could have spend whole afternoon in this graveyard, exploring, experiencing, absorbing this aspect and image of death. Some roses were still fresh, some candles were still burning. I saw a man watering the plants around the graves, he waved a friendly hello and i waved back.

I saw swings into one corner. I love swings, i got curious why there would be swings in the graveyard. I started walking towards it and soon understood this was the section of graveyard where children were buried. Few days, weeks, months and then few year old children. Some graves had markings of two siblings buried together in matter of few years. I kept thinking how hard it must be for the parents and other family members to deal with the loss of two children in a family over few years. The graves in this section were different. There were soft toys, and butterflies, and birds and little angels, the flowers, the balloons and the beads. They almost looked like a child's room. I started getting overwhelmed. I can understand the death of an adult in more rational way but dying child, i feel terribly helpless and emotional. I cant handle it at all. I started feeling weak in my knees and had to struggle to not cry. What about all those classroom discussions, end of life decisions in neonatal intensive care units? The babies born with serious illnesses that would make their life a source of constant suffering if at all they survive. At that moment, I knew nothing mattered. I cant be rational in any ways when it comes to death of a child. Younger the child, worse it will grow I guess and what if it is my child? That was it. I had to get out of that area. For the first time I stood next to a swing but did not swing on it. I felt this swing was for the souls of those little children buried there. Who knows they may be swinging right there. I cant see them but may be they can see me. I faintly waved at them and walked away.

I really wanted to make one of the pictures from the graveyard as my picture for the day. But i wont. But the visit to graveyard was the highlight of my day. After quite a struggle, i finally found my picture. What is your picture for the day?

Time to move again

I can tell you the spring is in the air.. I see little snowbells popping up from the ground along with other purple little flowers raising their heads. I think in few weeks time, Daffodils will make their presence visible and slowly there will be life resonating all around. the Bosweg near my house will boast its tress with large green foliage, the gardens and terraces will demonstrate riot of colorful flowers, the parks will bloom with happy people basking in the sun and children running around in enthusiasm but i wont be there to witness this all.....

I will be soon on a new move. This morning I received an email from my housing agency that I need to vacate my apartment before 12 noon on 31st March 2011. I need to start organizing my belongings if I do not want to get stressed like in Leuven. I know where I am heading for next three months but I don't know what future holds after July 2011. Where do I make my next home? I see it unlikely that I will settle down in Italy for longer than three months. Yes it is a place I want to be in, for its pleasure of food and relaxed life style but I don't see myself leading an Italian life for ever. I am too restless a person to live in Italy in long run. But very soon, I am going to embark on a new journey, some 1200 kms of road trip from Nijmegen in south eastern border of the Netherlands to Padova in Northern Italy. April to June, destination Padova, wonder how different is Italian Spring?

I sat on my reclining chair, staring blindly at the roof of my apartment. It is already six weeks that I am here and in another six weeks, it is time to say goodbye. I feel overwhelmed at the thought of saying goodbyes. Nijmegen, what do I say about you. After gloomy depressed winter of my life in Leuven, I slowly found my strength and voice in Nijmegen, surely irritated some of my classmates. Nijmegen became integral part of my plans for ethics research, numerous emails and phone calls to set appointments with my Dutch research respondents. In next few weeks, my research will take me all over Netherlands, Amsterdam, Den Haag, Haarlem, Delft... This is my first research outside my country and I am looking forward to this experience. The topic is fascinating, quite at the heart of Dutch Public Debate these days and I am impressed with the cooperation that I receive from people around me. I have never had so many doors opened for me in India, but here, they are more than willing to collaborate with me and are curious why I should feel so interested in this Dutch topic. Being a foreigner definitely has some advantage here. There are few other cities on my list now apart from Amsterdam who have potential to become my next home. Maastricht, Leiden, Groningen, each place has offered me something new but I really do not know what will materialize in coming days. I am open to them all.

I am officially going to be homeless on 31st March by 12 noon as our Journey to Padova starts on 2nd April. I am not sure yet, which city will I spend my last two nights in. Choice needs to be made. But before that, I need to move my belongings. Some things might remain with a friend in Amsterdam, my books and my bike will probably find refuge in Leiden, my cooking world and guitar will make its way to Groningen. There is a song about 'suitcase in Berlin', I have my suitcases all over the place and interestingly, I feel I have no home any more.

I want to visit Leuven before heading to Italy. I want to spend time with my angel and gray lotuses in Begijnhof. I want to cook Indian food with my dear friend Lee. I want to visit Holy Spirit Collage for one last time, may be should make a confession for all my sinful behavior.... Leuven, to be honest, though it was not the best time of my life, I do miss Leuven, not so much fr the city but for the warmth, love and affection that I received from these leuveners. The warmth that helped me tide over extreme cold phase in my personal life.

I never thought my dream of visiting Italy will come true so soon, now when it is just round the corner, i have questions in my mind. Yes dreams do come true but one must be able to accept the change life circumstances that go hand in hand with dreams coming true. I really want to accept my changed life circumstances and be open to its ever changing nature. Life has to move on, not just in literal way but also in metaphysical way... see, I told you I am studying ethics these days.. words like metaphysical, phenomenological, deontological and so on have already made place in my vocabulary.

Thank you all for being my strength, hope and reason to live on...

Moral dilemma about some facebook friends

I do not know who my readers are, nor do I know who am I writing to. But I have a serious trouble with some 'friends' on facebook. The ostracization on facebook still continues, it is still a strong way that some people are telling me 'to buzz off' from their lives. It almost feels like a slow social death, I wish there was concept of dying with dignity even in these virtual communities but there seems none unless I do something drastic and remove these so called 'Friends' from my lists.. it almost seems like active or passive euthanasia debate that I have been reading for the exams tomorrow..

Let me try Nijmegen method of Moral case deliberation. It starts with postulating the moral dilemma. My moral dilemma is:

'Do I need these 'friends' on facebook that are his friends in first place but who one by one take pleasure in removing me from their facebook and still cause pain at the end of six months?'

On one evening when he was in his romantic best, he handed over to me in a symbolic way his best friends saying 'my life is now yours and my friends are also yours'. Now, it was my stupidity that I believed both these statements. I should have known from my own life experience that we make our own friends, we grow in friendship and friends are not commodities that can be exchanged along with vows of love. But I was blind in love and I was suddenly trilled to be connected with these bunch of bright, smart and intelligent group of friends from very diverse professional backgrounds than mine. I felt I would grow in their company and I would also find their support and friendship.

I dont know if my expectation of being supported by his friends was realistic. Now looking back at time, I feel I was stupid yet again. We suddenly had a number of common friends and what best way can we have to be connected other than facebook. So I had some 20 odd friends of his as my friends on facebook and he had some similar no of my friends. First thing he did after our troubles in relationship was to block me on the facebook.. next to go were my friends who were on his list. He actively blocked us all. The message was clear, I do not want to hear anything about you, you may live or die, I dont care. I still did not give up my hope of reconciling through communication again. The man is silent for almost six months now and I admire his strength and determination not to communicate with me come what may.

But I never wanted to use the same tactics as him. I do not see a point in blocking people off on facebook. I am a strong believer in channels of communication and I feel that every problem can be discussed amongst sensible adults. But, his friends who are on my list of friends do not seem to buy my logic. One by one whenever they feel like or they remember this one name on their facebook list of few hundred friends, they just block me out. How do I know? Well I see my number of friends going down and it is always one of his friends who has decided to do so in response to some post notifications about my life on their facebooks. Within seconds, I can figure out who is gone this time and this has happened now 6th or 7th time but it still hurts. It hurts to know that I am not wanted even in virtual life of some people. It feels like being ostracized, untouchable, dangerous, virulent virus. Sometime 2day, a bright woman whom I thought would be the last person to do this blocking/removing business has chosen to do so.. I am surprised and I must say I am a bit sad.. but I understand, for all of them, I am the criminal and their friend is the poor victim. Off course their loyalties are for him.

My question then is why should I have these remaining 14 'friends' on my list. They do feel intense pain for sure when they see my pictures tagged or read my updates. I have caused intense pain to their friend and I am causing even more pain just because I am trying to be happy again, I am trying to live again. I should have been and should remain devastated, sad, sorry for myself. I have no moral right to live my life after having destroyed life of their friend. What is stopping me then from taking the required action.

I think what stops me is this strong notion that I should not act the way they are acting. Then there is no difference between them and me. I know that just being a friend on facebook means nothing if there is no trust whatsoever or even willingness to try and understand the other side of the story. But same applies to me. I still hope some day I would understand their side of the story, why they did what they did.

I have two options to be precise. First, continue with my life and the facebook. If they cant take that anymore, they have their agency and autonomy to remove me from facebook and I will have to accept it and get used to it. The fact is at this moment, I am far from accepting it and it causes me a lot of pain. Second option is, I use my agency and autonomy and remove these so called 'friends' from my list in one go and end the matter. I am free then to live my life and continue on my path without feeling being judged by someone who mattered to me once upon a time. When the man in question has chosen to stay out of my life and out of communication, what could I expect from his friends? Why hold on to them? I dont think they will ever try and understand my story. They wont because they are not my friends in first place, they are friends by association. I should read more about Aristotelian concept of friendship. Wonder what category of friendship these kind of facebook friends will fall in to? May be contractual? I am not sure but I am very sure it is not a friendship based on a virtue.

To be honest, I am so angry right now that I just want to block each one of them one by one at this very moment and make them feel the pain that it causes me. But First of all, it is more like taking a revenge and second, it may not cause them any pain. They might have a sign of relief or they may further have their opinion strengthened 'what a selfish woman, she has no emotions whatsoever. Thank god she is out of our friend's life or he was destined to doom'.

Last option is I stay out of facebook. But then what about my other friends who have stood by me in ups and down and who reach out to me through facebook from different corners of the world. I believe in communication, so how can I cut of this very means of communication?

If I have to use analogy of euthanasia jargon right now, the choices I have are active euthanasia (me removing these friends), passive euthanasia (allowing them to take the decision for themselves and accept the fact that they will block me whenever they feel like and live everyday with that threat/fear) or suicide (deleting my profile from facebook).

The choice is tough and to be honest I don't know how to make one.