Understanding the 'other'

I want to better understand her. I need to bridge the rift which has developed between us over the past few years. She is the one whom I owe my being. She made me who I am, she shaped my life and my personality. But at some point in time, I outgrew her expectations and she started struggling to cope with the rapid change in my thoughts, ideology and pace of life, particularly my focussed attention on career.

Yes I am talking about my mother and I am referring to the most delicate but complicated relationship between the mother and the daughter. She will turn 60 in six months time. 60 is not really old age for most Western world but in India, 60 is when you start getting the benefits of being a 'senior citizen'. I always believed that our age is what we feel and to my dismay my mother has given up to this wonder figure of 60 as an impending gradual loss of physical and mental abilities. Everyday she gets shaky when she experiences her 'failing' abilities. Sometimes its mental confusion or sometimes it is lack of grip in her fingers that makes it hard for her to write. She always loved writing. She has been such a story teller. She inspired me to write and my story telling skills I owe to her.

I did not imagine my mother to go so weak at 60s. I think I envisioned her as this strong woman who would now live every moment and make all those unfulfilled personal dreams a reality. Like many other Indian women, she sacrificed all her dreams due to family responsibilities, or financial constraints and most importantly for us.. so that we could have brilliant educational opportunities. I wanted her to live for herself after her retirement... travel around the world, read what she likes, write about her life, develop a balcony garden.. i wanted her to do things that give meaning to her life and in the process give her joy, happiness and sense of personal achievement.

She served in a government hospital for 38 years and her pension is going to support her all her life. She is not dependent on me financially but she is extremely dependent on me for emotional support.. this is precisely what is the root cause of our conflict.. she wants me to be with her in physical proximity and care for her, not so much physical care but give her a patient ear, listen to her worries, concerns, problems and sometimes her happiness too.. according to her, her expectations are not only realistic but they are also things that she deserves.. rather she has earned that care through her decades of hard work of raising us..

I am not denying it.. but what do I do if my ideas of meaningful life take me away from home, away from her..I refused to marry, she took it as her personal failure in my upbringing. I started living as away from her as I could and she understood it in terms of 'we not needing her anymore'. She still worries a lot about what the society will say about any of her personal choices and I say ' I dont care about the views of society as long as I take full responsibility of my choices and I do not harm the others as a consequence of my choices'. When we are together, we only fight and argue and to be honest those arguments end up being emotional battles and floods of tears.. the distance between us is more than geographical.. we are moving apart from each other emotionally at the speed of light.. I dread calling her, sometimes I avoid calling her just because i am not prepared to listen to her constant stream of complaints and dissatisfaction towards life.I find it so uncomfortable when we reach these silent zones in our phone conversation.. i do not know what to say next and that silence and inability to continue the conversation scares me.... When did I become so cold towards the woman who gave me birth and made me who I am. I failed her in few occasions, I could not stand up to her expectations. I am not denying it but I also feel that she failed my expectation that my mother if not anyone else will always make efforts to understand me...

Did I expect too much out of her? Did I make ambitious plans for her retired life which were never hers but projections of my dreams on her life? When we were kids, we often heard that parents impose their ideas and dreams on their kid's professional and vocational choices.. am I doing the same mistake? But it always seemed as if she enjoyed writing, reading and travelling.. was I wrong in thinking that way...? Am I underestimating the impact of old age on the physical and emotional abilities and coping mechanisms of a person? May be her ideas of beautiful old age were ...'her married daughter will visit her once in a while, she will be involved in her daughter's pregnancy.. she will be actively involved in raising the grandkids...and so on'. I took away this possibility from her... by refusing to marry, I took away a sense of meaning from her life, the way she had imagined it...

But am I not suppose to be honest to my own callings, fears, dreams and aspirations? I am caught up badly in the responsibility towards her and towards myself. For myself, I want the sense of freedom, freedom to make choices about my life like relationships, marriage, childbirth, career and so on.. I feel it is important that I listen to my inner voice and follow my heart.. I am also responsible rather obliged (according to Indian culture) to 'care' for my mother. But there is a conflict of interest here.. How do I solve this dilemma? How do I make a right choice here.. If I go back to India and try and care for her, I know I will be unhappy and angry at myself for not doing what I really want to do.. if I decide to go by my own callings and stay away from India, I might have bright career possibilities but this guilt that I left my mother alone in pain, aching for my physical and emotional companionship... i left her alone to die..... it will be even harder to forgive myself. For me, both these situations are extremely painful and I dont know what is the way out....

I have said this before... whenever I have a dilemma about existential life issue.. I feel the need to do a scholarly research.. I did the same when I was about to get married and the we all have seen the impact of that research.. now with my relationship with my mother becoming difficult each day,I am almost determined to understand old age from the perspective of all those Indian middle class parents, both married and widowed.. who are left behind in India.. they are financially stable.. their children are abroad.. well settled.. these parents make foreign trips almost every year or once in two years.. they are also quite healthy... they have everything but the actual company of their children and grandchildren...how do they perceive this life of theirs? Are they happy about it? What are their fears and worries? What helps them cope with this loneliness if they ever find themselves lonely? What could we (the children) do to help our parents age successfully and still retain quality and meaning in life? It all boils down to my personal moral dilemma.. what could I do to help my mother and also help myself in the process.. just taking this issue beyond my personal life and applying to a larger universe..

I am sure my mother is not the only one suffering.. there are many like her out there just the way there are many like me.. does anyone have any suggestions for me to strengthen my relationship with my mother? I am more than willing to listen to the perspective from the elderly.. their stories.. is it just an intergenerational conflict or something more than that... I really hope to find these answers in years to come and I hope I am not too late.. I would like to see the difference in our relationship while my mother is still alive.. can anyone help me on this?

Dolce Vita

Yet another day of relaxation and good times. It feels great when I am able to relax. Hours of afternoon nap, a beautiful Bollywood movie, nice warm Indian dinner and then a drink with a bunch of friends in the city center.. cant ask for more.

The movie I watched is called 'Dhobi Ghat'. It is an unusual bollywood film, far from those dance song family dramas. It explores lives and life of Mumbai through the lens of an ordinary person. Four main characters and their life stories intertwined, great backdrop of the real city settings. I really felt that Mumbai came alive through the movie. Mumbai is my city, but in recent years, after having gone places, my relationship with Mumbai has grown colder and distant. There are more things that I dont like about Mumbai than the things that I adore and admire about her. The movies like this, connect me with my city, its people and life running around the clock. Suddenly I feel my place in this megacity, I am part of her and she is as much a character of me. I cant be separated from her, however further away I might move from her. I loved this film for its unusual handling and all the emotions that it brought to my mind. Here is the wikipedia link for the movie if someone is interested. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dhobi_Ghat_(film). By the way Dhobi Ghat means the common places where hundreds of washer men do Mumbai's laundry... It is one of the tourist attractions in Mumbai. I have never been there but someday soon I will make it a point to visit the place.

I think the other aspect of the film that I liked was photography. It is much easier to explore the places and its people from behind the camera.. I loved some of the shots.. the people captured on the film looked so real, so natural, so at peace with themselves and the chaos around. I suddenly had a bright idea. I have to go out there in my city with a camera and try to discover new angles to the city and life within. I could also do photographs of elderly people.. capturing old age in Mumbai through images.. I think that will be a project worthwhile considering... another thing to my list of things to do.. Mumbai and its people from behind the lens.

This evening I had my first spritz, a padovian drink that I often saw around me but never tested before. I think I liked it but the best was the atmosphere. It was 24 C, cool breeze and loads of people around, after all it was a Friday night.. I got some beautiful shots in that area... cant wait to view them all..

What I am realizing each day is that life is really beautiful if I let it be that way.. Dolce Vita as they say it in Italian... I am glad that I have started taking baby steps towards accepting the life and enjoying its beauty.. and I must say I am loving it...

Goodnight my friends...

Joy of doing nothing

Today was a lazy day. I did nothing from the academic point of view. I spent hours shining my room, organizing the closet and cleaning up the study desk. The room looks and feels heavenly and the cool breeze through the window makes it even more magical. I decided not to study or read. Today was my day off. A day to spend doing nothing really important or relevant. I lingered over breakfast for almost an hour and same was the case with the lunch.

This evening, we decided to have dinner in a Chinese restaurant. The four of us, the Asians, two Indians, one Philippino and one Indonesian. The dinner stretched over three hours and it ended with Gelato. I cant forget I am in Italy so Gelato at the end of a good meal is a must. On my way to the restaurants, I was taking pictures as usual. I get intrigued by few things and I take hundreds of shots of these things. For example, the clouds in the sky, the old buildings, beautiful designs of the doors and the windows and the curtains... Padova is heaven for these pictures.. the windows small and big, greens and blues, the iron gates and old old houses. Today is a public holiday in Italy and it was visible in the city center. Everyone was out on the streets, eating drinking, eating gelato, relaxing with families, all the people, the young and the old alike.

These days, I have this strange urge to take pictures of people walking on the street in a natural moment. I get fascinated by the people who walk by, the way they are dressed, their facial expressions and it almost feels as I know their story through their eyes. Looking straight at them might make them uncomfortable and that is when camera comes in handy. In a way I can hide behind the lens and still get their story, still see through their life but without making it obvious. But I must say I am afraid.. am I impinging their privacy? Am I being too intrusive? Would they take offense of it? Is it ok if I can walk up to them and ask for permission? But taking permission means you lose the natural moment.. and I believe those are the best shots, when the person is unaware.. capturing the candid moments... what should I do? I never felt so compelled to take pictures of people. I have always been more interested in taking landscapes and sky... do we go through these phases even in our interest in photography? Does this change mean anything? Am I becoming more interested in social human life around me? I don't have answers for any of these nor do I need to know them immediately. But i only hope that I will find the most ethical way to photograph people in coming days without being a paparazzi...

I must say that my day was relaxing and i wont mind having such periodic breaks of 'doing nothing' to keep myself optimally functional.. what do you do when you want to take a break.. what helps you recharge your batteries?

Ciao...

30 days in Padova

I have been silent for more than a month. Feels really strange. I was not feeling inspired to write. Yesterday a friend of mine made me realize that this blog is more than a personal journal. I felt the need to go through my own posts and reflect on how life has taken turns since the catastrophe in August 2010. Writing and blogging helped me not only reflect but also to remain sane in the madness going on around me that time. But as I started feeling better, I stopped blogging. Almost same is the case when the patients stop their treatment when they start feeling better and symptoms are less.

I decided to start writing again. It is my last month in lovely Padova. The months have just flown by. Soon we all will part our ways and face the reality of working world. Saying goodbye to places and people has always been hard for me but this time i want to make most of it. In 30 days ahead, I want to absorb as much Padova and Italian life as I can. I want to live every moment and go home with bags full of good times, memories and experiences.

We woke up to a beautiful rainy morning today, I opened the window and spent five minutes staring at the rain drops making ripples in little puddle of water just outside my window. It was a magical moment to watch these ripples form, spread and then either disappear or merge into other ripples. Is life not the same? Everything happening, both happy and sad is transitory, like the ripples and it always makes a beautiful design and then fades away. I have a tendency to hold on to life events but only when i let go off them, I will be open to new ripples forming and new experiences coming my way.

I feel sorry that I did not make enough effort to connect with the locals here. Padova is a tiny student town, people are very friendly but language poses a significant barrier. I know that communication is not just about spoken words. What about that group of elderly women who enthusiastically tried to communicate with me with words, gestures and touch the other evening? They admired my black and gray hair, they were curious to know where I am from and what brings me to Padova, they were all talking at the same time. We were in chaos but there was a song of connectedness in that chaos. We were women, the young and the old, appreciating each others skin, hair, dress and smiles. I so wanted all silver hair like them and they wanted to have the tone of my skin. We took pictures, hands going around hands and shoulders and big smiles. I am sure if I hang around that piazza regularly, I will be easily accepted as one of them. I can sit there and listen to them. The elderly men were a bit distant but the ladies were just wonderful and beautiful. Elderly women inspire me, they make me want to grow old fast but like a mature wine, happy and content about life spent and optimistic and hopeful about the days ahead. I want to be a happy old woman. Did I tell you that Italian women are the most elegant women I have ever met. They may be young or old but they carry themselves so elegantly. The way they combine their dresses and accessories and off course their best accessories are their confidence and innate charm. I can spend hours together watching them walk by in public places. I have this immense urge to ask them, 'will you give me basic lessons in grooming and being like you?' Have you ever noticed this pair of twinkling eyes from the wrinkled face? I have no words to express that twinkle, that face and the story of life behind those pair of eyes. Each is like an open book ready to be read through the eyes of the individual.

This evening on our way back from Asian Grocery store, three (girls)of us decided to go for a drink. The evening breeze was perfect to relax and enjoy a drink outside and there are lovely tiny cafes all around the city. We had fun time, the girl talks, the gossips and hot chocolate along with the live music being played. We all realized that the time is slipping out of our hands just like the sand from a closed fist. We have to make sure to enjoy these little pleasures of student life in an Italian summer.. and why not? How many people get to go places like we did? How many get to be in Italy for 3 months in the best season of the year? How many of us get to make friends from across continents, fight and argue with them, cook and eat together and laugh and cry with each other?

I must say I am blessed. Life has always opened up beautiful opportunities in front of me. What made the difference is my attitude towards life and its opportunities. Every time I went and greeted life with open arms, eyes and mind, I got ample love, warmth and affection in return, more than what I probably gave. But if I was skeptical and closed for whatever reasons, things always turned out differently. I have every reason to believe in goodness that life brings and that is what I am going to do for coming 30 days.. embrace the life with an open mind.

My wishes for 2day are.. I want to grow into elegant, mature and beautiful woman like the Italian ladies, the young and the old. And I want to take pleasure in small joys of life, like a hot chocolate with girl friends or a smile from an elderly woman just crossing the path. It doesn't cost a penny but it is the best therapy to feel happy...

what is your wish for the day friends....

From Sunny Padova

Yes, I am in Padova. It is more than three weeks now. The move from the Netherlands to Italy was not simple but I must say I am doing OK. I always wanted to visit Italy and here I am, not just visiting Italy but living in Italy, studying at one of the world's oldest University, surrounded by friends, blessed with loads of sunshine and cool breeze in the evening.

I do miss my friends in the Netherlands and Belgium a lot. I am not able to use Skype or VOIP as I would have liked to use. That makes it a bit harder. But I often write to them and they write me back. My school has started, in fact we finished the first module already. I have already visited two Italian Hospitals, the university hospital here and the other one in Vicenza. I must say there are some striking differences and similarities when it comes to hospitals in Italy and in India but that is not what I want to talk about.

Padova is a beautiful city, a student town to be honest. Heritage buildings, historic walkways, the paths paved with stones which make it impossible to wear high heels, the fashion boutiques sprawling all over the town, tiny bakeries and cafes, big open air fruit and vegetable market in the city square, the book shops and the print shops. We have all that we need to lead comfortable student life. The weather has been perfect, warm but not unbearable, evenings are particularly pleasant. I often go for long walks in the evening. The city has old buildings and monuments, particularly interesting is the heritage building of the university which boasts teachers like Galileo Galilee, Copernico, Harvey, Morgagni and Fallopio just to list a few. The world's first anatomical theater was built in this university and can be visited as a guided tour till date. The university also has the honor of having first woman graduate of the world, who graduated in Philosophy in 1672. I felt so proud to be part of this rich tradition and history. I am looking forward to my graduation which will take place in the Aula of the university on 29th June 2011. One more step completed, the question is, what do I want to do next?

I have already been to Rome, Venice and Verona. Each city has her own charm. It was relaxing and rejuvenating to connect with the history. I spent hours contemplating and reflecting on my life, my future, just watching the sky grow orange red with sunset, feeling the evening chill sitting on a bench under a tree, enjoyed the boat rides and also had pleasure of getting lost a bit in Rome. I have tried different flavors of Gelato, had all that I could amongst vegetarian options of pasta and pizza. I also tried to learn Italian a bit but was not very successful.

By now, you have noticed that I did everything but studies. That is true. Now the pressure is building up. The course work, the assignments, the thesis and searching for future options, all needs to go hand in hand. I cant neglect any of these activities. But to be honest, all I want to do is be lazy and do nothing. The joy of doing nothing. The problem is I can never do it without having guilt after that. The fear starts clouding again, so does the guilt. Why am I wasting time? I should have been working hard. Why do I not feel inspired at all? Why do I worry about July 2011 when I have still May and June to enjoy? Why can I not be assured that I will find my ways as I have always done before, whether it is a job opportunity or starting something on my own? Why do I always feel skeptical and pessimistic about what I can do?

I want to feel confident of my future. I want to enjoy life every single day irrespective of whether I am in Italy or in any other part of the world. I want to be happy without feeling guilty of these small pleasures of life. I do not want to constantly worry about my future, my family responsibility and my financial situation. I want to be free like a bird. But are birds really free? I dont know for sure. I think too much. Can I modulate my thoughts? Can I turn them into positive thoughts, one filled with hope and dreams without loosing the ground under my feet? Can I be myself, ready to take new challenges, exploring new horizons, trying things that I have never done before and eager to learn from each of these life experiences.

That is who I aspire to be but I dont know how to be that girl. Where do I begin? I often have more questions but may be questioning starts the process already... who knows, the time will tell what i make out of my life opportunities. I hope I make something meaningful and simple out of it.

Three months in the Netherlands: absorbing pleasures of food and friendship.

Here I am, again. Had a long busy week and I have to read some 200 pages in order to pass the exam tomorrow. But I feel ok. I just now made myself lovely dinner. I enjoyed it while listening to my favorite audio book, 'eat pray and love'. I am meeting a friend for dinner this Tuesday evening and I have just spent three lovely though action packed days with my six friends in Amsterdam amidst my research interviews.

I was depressed, sad, worried and lonely when I boarded a wrong train to Amsterdam on Wednesday evening. That is what happens when you have not been sleeping well and you are perpetually worried about following your deadlines. I had a huge suitcase with me, moving part of my belongings which I wont need in Italy to a friend's apartment in Amsterdam. Finally when I got in the right train, I just collapsed in a chair and felt all the energy depleted from me. 'What are you running away from? What are you running after? Do you have any idea?', I kept asking myself. I was tired, I wanted to fall asleep. My eyes were burning in pain and my head was hurting but I could not sleep, I could not stop worrying and I could not distract my mind from those depressing thoughts. I knew that depression had caught up with me yet again. 'Off course it has, you stopped meditation immediately when you started feeling better', I almost scolded myself. It was a cold and windy evening in Amsterdam. I somehow made it to my friend's apartment totally exhausted and she had one look at my face and she understood it all.

I have started valuing my friends like never before. In fact the three months in Netherlands is all about friendship, warmth and unconditional support I received from my friends. I am not used to such affection. Did I ever tell you that I had great difficulty in making friends, even harder was to make friends with fellow women. I never fully understood the reasons. I was 23 when I actually could start connecting with friends and before that I had only two friends. I am still not sure if I understand the concept of friendship completely. May be I should read Aristotle's thoughts on friendship. But I must say over the years, I am blessed with wonderful friends scattered all over the world. They are away from me but they are still connected with me in very subtle ways.

My last trip to Amsterdam was special in many ways. I finished my last research interviews. I had first job interview in Leiden and four friends of mine all gathered in a common friend's place over an Indian dinner so that I could meet them all and say goodbye to them in one go before heading to Italy. Another friend of mine printed out maps for me to reach my respondents without getting lost. He knows very well how disoriented I can be even in ordinary situations, and that gets accentuated when I am terribly stressed or worried. All three evenings in Amsterdam were dedicated to friends and food, two of my life saving interventions. I had Chinese food with a great friend of mine, my first gastronomic experience of asparagus with garlic and oyster sauce in a fancy and floating Chinese restaurant 'Sea Palace' in Amsterdam. Later a Chinese friend of mine told me that the tourists visiting Amsterdam believe that the trip is incomplete without a meal in 'Sea Palace'. Another friend prepared a French salad and spinach and mushroom soup. In the mega Indian meal, we had Kadhai Paneer, Gobi and Laccha Paratha, Baigun Bhajja and Dudhi Halwa. On the last day I had a tiramisu in a small cafe next to central station in Amsterdam with another dear friend of mine who traveled all the way from Groningen to spend some time with me. I said before, this trip was all about friends and food.

The days were not always easy. One of my PhD application was rejected this week. There was way too much I had committed myself to on work front and I began to see how impossible it is to complete all that I had planned. I am travelling to Krakow, Poland in two days and how will I ever manage to finish all the work. I do not want to travel with work hanging on my head. I want to relax and feel free and may be I would do nothing in Poland but sit and eat or sleep or read or do whatever I feel like doing. I must say I was also nervous about the job interview. Last time I was interviewed for a job was way back in December 2006. I felt that I have forgotten all about interviews. This is my first formal interview in the Netherlands, how was I going to be myself. I dont even have a formal dress. Again my friends barged in with help, I had someone's formal dress, someone's blazer, ohh yes how can I forget the formal shoes with the heel given by another friend and a office bag given by the other. I always see myself in my jeans and sneakers with a backpack. That is my universal image. These girls converted me into someone that I could not recognize myself. I was everything and everyone but me, nervous like hell and upset with myself to be so less prepared for the challenges of 'real' world. How could I be thirty one and not have a business dress assembled? My wardrobe over flows with clothes but nothing I could wear for this formal event. I need to go shopping and I need a gang of my girlfriends to teach me basic grooming and dressing tricks.

After initial meltdown, I must say I recovered much fast this time, thanks to constant presence of my friends around me, supporting me and encouraging me. We spent hours talking each night, pondering over our life stories, making jokes about our past, dreaming about futures and being 'girls'. The candles and French and Argentinian wine made it even more magnificent. I think this time I handled a temporary setback (rejected application) better than ever before. It is hard for me to cope with situations which do not go as per my plans. May be I am finally becoming wiser. We will see how long this wisdom lasts, i hope it not only lasts but grows more profound.

Yesterday evening as I began my journey back home to Nijmegen, there were more hugs and tearful goodbyes by my friends. Many have promised to visit me in Padova. If even half of them actually make it to Italy, I know for sure that my days in Italy will be full with fun. Some of my friends have already graciously connected me with their own Italian friends. I so love my friends. I remembered how heavily I sobbed in the arms of my gray lotuses in the meditation group in Leuven. The thought of leaving them was unbearable. I often miss my friends from Leuven but the girlfriends in the Netherlands took away all those tears, they made my days in Nijmegen special and wonderful. I met so many wonderful people in my school, during my research, in my tango classes. Now I have to say goodbye to them as well and move on further. Surprisingly I did not cry like the way I cried in Leuven. Dont know what to make out of it.

But I am ready to move on. One last exam, one last Indian dinner with a friend in Nijmegen and I am off on a holiday to Poland. I will soon start the journey to Italy but I know for sure I will come back to the Netherlands. I have such strange but strong connection with this country and I will never be able to explain it even to myself. I will be back in the Netherlands in July and a very dear friend of mine has already planted a seed of travelling to Norway together this summer. Norway... wow, i never dreamed that some day I would travel to Norway that too in a camping car through Germany and Denmark. So in days to come, you will read about Poland, then my Italian adventures and my summer dreams of Norwegian travels and tango...

Vulnerability of life

I spent whole day being glued to BBC trying to follow the news from Japan. I have no words to express what I feel about the devastation the earthquake and the tsunami has caused. I felt totally helpless, engulfed in grief and sorrow. I am far from it and I am safe but still the images were so powerful that I felt terribly sad and depressed all through the day.

an earthquake lasting for few minutes has caused such devastation, has changed the life of many beyond recognition. The realization of impermanence of life hit me real hard. Why do I give so much of importance to the things that are not at all important. Why do I make such a fuss about my personal sorrows and set backs. Why do I hold the anger in my mind about some people even though the event has occurred years ago? Why do I fail to let go? I felt ashamed of myself for having remained stuck with insignificant things for so long and in the process having lost the sight of what is most crucial in life. I have always over analyzed my past and excessively worried about my future. But I have never expressed my gratitude for the present moment that I am alive, for my loving mother and my brother, for my supportive friends, for the opportunities that have opened up in front of me and for the possibilities that life has created for me. Today's disaster was a big slap on my face, a wake up call to tell me not to remain tangled in things that do not matter.

I want to live fully in today. I want to forgive all those who have hurt me and need to be forgiven by those hurt by me. I want to forgive myself for being so stupid and ignorant most of my life. I want to reach out to all those around me who need me, in more than one ways possible. I want to live this moment without drifting into the past or the future. I do not want to live everyday in the shadow of my past and ghosts in my life that are unresolved. I want to be me and I want to accept and love myself just the way I am. I want to be open to life, I want to live life as if this is the last day of my life so that I can die happily and in peace.