Have you seen a blue butterfly recently?

I am finding joy in little things around me and I am slowly getting drawn into it. What did I do all day today? Well lingered in the bed reading a book. Title of the book: 'My mother my self'. One of the seminal books on mother daughter relationship written in the 70s arguing for the need of separation at a psychological level between the mother and the daughter for the woman to fully realize her own unique personality. I am not sure what exactly I feel about the book, even difficult to say what I agree with and what I disagree. One thing is for sure though, many parts of the book, and particularly narratives of women remind me and make me reflect on my own life story and my relationship with my mother. I fell asleep while reading the book at 11am in my cozy and comfortable bed. That was fun.

The sun did not show up all day today and I knew it would rain in the evening. I have been feeling lazy to go out. I wanted to get some nice green chilies and fresh curry leaves from a Turkish store in the city center. He gets these 'typical' Indian things from London and he gets fresh stock on Friday late evening. I love the flavor and aroma of fresh curry leaves in my cooking and how can I make Kanda pohe without those little green chilies and freshly grated coconut. Food always motivates me and I biked to the city center this afternoon to get my coveted ingredients.It was totally worth it for two reasons. First I could locate the shop without any troubles and map was not needed. My memory and the little area in the brain which helps us with directions was functional 200% this afternoon. I felt so proud of myself. Second, how can I not feel happy to hold those fresh curry leaves on their twigs in my hand. They are my prized possession, worth of diamonds in some ways. Gosh, I will use fresh curry leaves after almost five months. I am so excited for all the upcoming cooking. I remembered my excitement in London in May this year when I was strolling around in predominantly Indian area. It felt as if I was walking in Mumbai. No wonder they call it 'little India'. I came home and first made sure that my little green diamonds were stored safely so that I can retain their freshness and use it in upcoming weeks. My dinner this evening had extra taste of all the spices and the house still smells of the same.

I have been wondering about little things that could make me happy. For example a blue butterfly. Have you seen one recently? I came across a visualization exercise and I have been wondering what would I like to come across? the little things.. For a while, I was confused. I could not pick up one thing.. rainbow.. yes I would love to see a rainbow. may be even a double rainbow! Did you know that the second rainbow is much faint and its color spectrum is in the reverse direction as compared to the primary rainbow? I learned it this afternoon, while googling double rainbow. I would like to see a butterfly, a blue one in particular. I love butterflies, their colors, their delicate wings, their fondness of sunshine.. I love it all. If I ever get a tattoo, I think it will be a butterfly. But it is unlikely that I would get a tattoo made. I also thought about a unique pendant, may be shaped like a butterfly? and then all I could think about was food. I could visualize kanda bhajji, pav bhaji, chole bhature, bhendi masala, gulab jamuns, thalipeeth and so many things.. I got totally distracted and started feeling hungry.. I had to consciously bring my mind back to the blue butterfly... one day soon I am sure, I will come across one. I have no doubt about it...

is there something that you want to come across?

Out of dormancy

I am back with a new post exactly after a month. It was a month of yet another transition from the active student life to a life of conscious summer break of two months. I thought taking a break was easy but it was not. It was my own mind and anxieties about what my future will hold made it difficult than anything else. I moved from beautiful, warm and friendly Italy to stunning, comfortable, windy and rainy Groningen in the north of the Netherlands. My dear friend who is hosting my stay for two months did so many things to make my life comfortable before she left for a three week road trip to Norway. So finally after years of living in small rented apartments in the cities that I worked in or living in tiny student apartments in Amsterdam, Leuven, Nijmegen and Padova, I find myself in this comfortable, two storied Dutch house. It was a big change to get used to all the space and privacy I have, the fully equipped kitchen that I could cook in, my favorite gas flame stove and slowly the feeling sank in. I was in 'my' temporary home, getting used to it and the home getting used to me.

Over time, I understood the details of everyday life, the grocery stores, fresh fruits and vegetable markets, the garbage disposal system and I must say people around here are very friendly. I stand in my balcony and talk to my neighbor, i waved a hello at another neighbor across the street, I bike around, sometimes getting lost but sometimes finding my way without any troubles. The days have been mostly windy, rainy and dark but I needed some time to hibernate like a frog. I cooked my Indian food, ate as much I liked and slept for hours, sometimes 10 hours at night and couple of hours in the afternoon. It felt as if my body was physically tired and needed some rest. I watched movies with a tub of ice-creme in my hand. I always dreamt of this kind of relaxed life, where you are alone, you have friends around if you feel like going out but it is also perfectly ok if you dont want to. Wake up at your own times, have your lunch at 3pm if you like. You are not answerable to anyone and you have no deadlines. In short, I have been dormant, lazy, far from work and productivity. Ohh there was one task I was actively doing, understanding the needs of different plants indoors and outdoors. I am taking care of her greens and I must say i freak out at the prospect of little ones giving up their life under my care. My initial days caring for them were hard, almost like a new mother, I would worry if I see slightest sign of leaves drooping. But now I think I have figured it out, they are doing great and I am trying to do the same.

But it was still hard to accept that I had consciously chosen not to do anything for two months. Why do I think taking absolutely necessary rest is not doing anything? That is a different question. But I am an obsessive worker and a person who always worries about the future. I cant sit still and I cant relax even on a five star Cruise liner. I am like a scared little mouse running around trying to figure out an escape but I often ask myself what is it that I am trying to find escape from? Well, I have been actively thinking about it in these days. What is it that I am running away from? I am running away from my fear, anxiety and worries about the future. I am running away from myself who has immense self doubt and low self esteem even though people I am with never notice that. I am running away from my present and my future. In fact I am running away from my own life. Why? that is even bigger question, I cant even put a finger on that. May be because of previous experiences in childhood and adult life. I don't know. May be because I am afraid of failure, any sort, but mostly the failures in personal life, as being a daughter, sister, a partner and so on. I am not so good in these relationships, I tend to keep myself as far away from these commitments and responsibilities as I can but I worry about these all the time. I think I am also too critical of myself. I hardly appreciate my own life and things I could make out of it. But ask me to list some shortcomings, I bet that would be a long one. I procrastinate that I can be happy when all my financial needs are taken care of and that I have a smooth life to sail in. But who has such a smooth life anyways. For example for last fifteen days, I was almost tearing myself down with the realization that with three masters degrees and numerous awards and honors under my belt, with six years of substantial work experience, I am without a job right now. I killed myself by thinking about it over and over again. But did I not take this break consciously because I felt the need to slow down and take some time off for myself? Why such blame on myself then? Why cant I just enjoy the break that I have taken without worrying about where life might take me in September. It all makes sense at rational intellectual level but I must admit, I have not been much of a fun person and a sport in last two weeks that I am living in the Netherlands. I have felt depressed and sad and I have also shed some tears on the matter.

But then I made a decision, to consciously try and enjoy every moment as it comes. To work at being happy. To do things that I have not done before and I could do while I am here. So that I can look back at these remaining six weeks and say, 'ohhh boy that was such a fun time in my life. I am glad I did that'. So what are the plans? First plan is to start taking care of myself, I am starting with my feet, most neglected part of my body. Soaking them, moisturizing them and taking care of them, the feet that I stand on and the feet that take me all around the world. I want to see them beautifully transformed when I step into my dance shoes in tango salon with my friends in two weeks time. I plan to read a book while soaking in a bubble bath as I have seen in numerous Hollywood films. I want to start physical training and running if the rain stops a bit. I have already started my yoga practice and must say that my body already feels better in terms of flexibility and muscle tone. We are going to sail end of this month and I have never sailed before in my life. I am immersed in real Dutch life here, no more as a student of international program. I want to start taking some basic Dutch lessons in coming weeks. Last and the most important is that I am going to work with my friend in building her house, the wood, the electric fitting, the painting and fitting toilet accessories and plumbing lines. I am most excited about this aspect of my life. Gosh, I have never done anything with my hands except some surgeries, some cooking and eating. Most of my work has been with my head. But I cant wait to put on oldest of clothes and get stained in color and covered with the dirt and make mistakes and disasters while being an apprentice with my friend and her father. I can almost see myself, tired and sweaty with all that physical work but at the end of it, admiring my own little piece of art, one ply of wood that I could cut properly, a small patch of the wall that I could paint beautifully, the little towel holding rings that I could fix on the wall.. that will be awesome. I am not good at sitting still and relaxing. I think only way I could relax is by doing different things, the things that I have not done before and fortunately in this world there are more things that I have not done than the things that I have done.. which means I will have ample time to relax.

In two weeks time

We are writing our exams and this is not a very nice feeling to be reading, studying and wondering how the exam questions will be like.. so like true Italians, we decided to go for a gelato at our favorite gelataria Grom at Piazza de Segnori. Gelato always works, no wonder why these Italians seem happy all the time, nicely dressed and enjoying drinks and food in company of their friends and family...

On way back home, we realized that exactly in 2 weeks time at the very same moment we will be enjoying our graduation dinner.. what they call proclamation here.. wow, the year has come to an end. Travelling to three countries, studying at three different universities.. it all started in Sept last year.. and it is already over.. hard to accept. Soon, the gang of friends will disperse, flights will take us away in different directions, emails and facebook will keep us connected for a while, there will be excitement of being home but at the same time we wont be the same us.. spending a year away from home changes lot within us, how we think, how we react, what we like to eat and what we dislike.. some of us even might face the reverse culture shock.. I have always shocked my mother when I returned home after a considerable period of time and I am sure it will be the same this time...but I would never want to give up opportunity to cross my own borders, both national and personal moral and explore the world beyond.. the 'new world'.

So on 29th evening, we graduate, we are expected to be ready to take up the task of being bioethicists in our own settings.. it is another ethical debate, how ready we feel to fulfill this responsibility.. I am asking myself, what did I really gain in this period of 10 months. This is my third masters degree, I experienced a lot of new things, made new friends, also learned some very new, interesting perspectives, i strongly feel that all the studies I have done up till now are somehow interlinked and they are slowly providing me with a wider view to look at the health problems but I often feel that I remain at the surface, I hardly acquire the depth of understanding on a particular topic.. what am I going to do next? What is my next destination? It is so open and unclear right now, almost like a blank slate.. the difference this time is that I want to go out there with a fresh mind and a positive attitude and believe that I will be ok whatever I chose to do and wherever I decide to settle down.. I accept myself just the way I am and I am ready to embrace the life fully..

By the way, I continue to explore Italy and Italian life in my last weeks here.. I am doing very well on that front. Last week I had a fabulous holiday to Torino.. three days of friends, family, food and happiness.. I came back to Padua feeling fresh and happy to face the exams... I have 2 more weeks ahead before I head to Amsterdam.. what is the best way to utilize these weeks ahead? What should I do next? As the day to say goodbye is approaching,I realize that Italy and Italians have started growing on me...I will definitely want to return to Italy in years ahead and these memories of three months of being a student in Italy will always bring a smile on my face...

Now back to Public health ethics, tomorrows exam paper.. goodnite Padua...

Understanding the 'other'

I want to better understand her. I need to bridge the rift which has developed between us over the past few years. She is the one whom I owe my being. She made me who I am, she shaped my life and my personality. But at some point in time, I outgrew her expectations and she started struggling to cope with the rapid change in my thoughts, ideology and pace of life, particularly my focussed attention on career.

Yes I am talking about my mother and I am referring to the most delicate but complicated relationship between the mother and the daughter. She will turn 60 in six months time. 60 is not really old age for most Western world but in India, 60 is when you start getting the benefits of being a 'senior citizen'. I always believed that our age is what we feel and to my dismay my mother has given up to this wonder figure of 60 as an impending gradual loss of physical and mental abilities. Everyday she gets shaky when she experiences her 'failing' abilities. Sometimes its mental confusion or sometimes it is lack of grip in her fingers that makes it hard for her to write. She always loved writing. She has been such a story teller. She inspired me to write and my story telling skills I owe to her.

I did not imagine my mother to go so weak at 60s. I think I envisioned her as this strong woman who would now live every moment and make all those unfulfilled personal dreams a reality. Like many other Indian women, she sacrificed all her dreams due to family responsibilities, or financial constraints and most importantly for us.. so that we could have brilliant educational opportunities. I wanted her to live for herself after her retirement... travel around the world, read what she likes, write about her life, develop a balcony garden.. i wanted her to do things that give meaning to her life and in the process give her joy, happiness and sense of personal achievement.

She served in a government hospital for 38 years and her pension is going to support her all her life. She is not dependent on me financially but she is extremely dependent on me for emotional support.. this is precisely what is the root cause of our conflict.. she wants me to be with her in physical proximity and care for her, not so much physical care but give her a patient ear, listen to her worries, concerns, problems and sometimes her happiness too.. according to her, her expectations are not only realistic but they are also things that she deserves.. rather she has earned that care through her decades of hard work of raising us..

I am not denying it.. but what do I do if my ideas of meaningful life take me away from home, away from her..I refused to marry, she took it as her personal failure in my upbringing. I started living as away from her as I could and she understood it in terms of 'we not needing her anymore'. She still worries a lot about what the society will say about any of her personal choices and I say ' I dont care about the views of society as long as I take full responsibility of my choices and I do not harm the others as a consequence of my choices'. When we are together, we only fight and argue and to be honest those arguments end up being emotional battles and floods of tears.. the distance between us is more than geographical.. we are moving apart from each other emotionally at the speed of light.. I dread calling her, sometimes I avoid calling her just because i am not prepared to listen to her constant stream of complaints and dissatisfaction towards life.I find it so uncomfortable when we reach these silent zones in our phone conversation.. i do not know what to say next and that silence and inability to continue the conversation scares me.... When did I become so cold towards the woman who gave me birth and made me who I am. I failed her in few occasions, I could not stand up to her expectations. I am not denying it but I also feel that she failed my expectation that my mother if not anyone else will always make efforts to understand me...

Did I expect too much out of her? Did I make ambitious plans for her retired life which were never hers but projections of my dreams on her life? When we were kids, we often heard that parents impose their ideas and dreams on their kid's professional and vocational choices.. am I doing the same mistake? But it always seemed as if she enjoyed writing, reading and travelling.. was I wrong in thinking that way...? Am I underestimating the impact of old age on the physical and emotional abilities and coping mechanisms of a person? May be her ideas of beautiful old age were ...'her married daughter will visit her once in a while, she will be involved in her daughter's pregnancy.. she will be actively involved in raising the grandkids...and so on'. I took away this possibility from her... by refusing to marry, I took away a sense of meaning from her life, the way she had imagined it...

But am I not suppose to be honest to my own callings, fears, dreams and aspirations? I am caught up badly in the responsibility towards her and towards myself. For myself, I want the sense of freedom, freedom to make choices about my life like relationships, marriage, childbirth, career and so on.. I feel it is important that I listen to my inner voice and follow my heart.. I am also responsible rather obliged (according to Indian culture) to 'care' for my mother. But there is a conflict of interest here.. How do I solve this dilemma? How do I make a right choice here.. If I go back to India and try and care for her, I know I will be unhappy and angry at myself for not doing what I really want to do.. if I decide to go by my own callings and stay away from India, I might have bright career possibilities but this guilt that I left my mother alone in pain, aching for my physical and emotional companionship... i left her alone to die..... it will be even harder to forgive myself. For me, both these situations are extremely painful and I dont know what is the way out....

I have said this before... whenever I have a dilemma about existential life issue.. I feel the need to do a scholarly research.. I did the same when I was about to get married and the we all have seen the impact of that research.. now with my relationship with my mother becoming difficult each day,I am almost determined to understand old age from the perspective of all those Indian middle class parents, both married and widowed.. who are left behind in India.. they are financially stable.. their children are abroad.. well settled.. these parents make foreign trips almost every year or once in two years.. they are also quite healthy... they have everything but the actual company of their children and grandchildren...how do they perceive this life of theirs? Are they happy about it? What are their fears and worries? What helps them cope with this loneliness if they ever find themselves lonely? What could we (the children) do to help our parents age successfully and still retain quality and meaning in life? It all boils down to my personal moral dilemma.. what could I do to help my mother and also help myself in the process.. just taking this issue beyond my personal life and applying to a larger universe..

I am sure my mother is not the only one suffering.. there are many like her out there just the way there are many like me.. does anyone have any suggestions for me to strengthen my relationship with my mother? I am more than willing to listen to the perspective from the elderly.. their stories.. is it just an intergenerational conflict or something more than that... I really hope to find these answers in years to come and I hope I am not too late.. I would like to see the difference in our relationship while my mother is still alive.. can anyone help me on this?

Dolce Vita

Yet another day of relaxation and good times. It feels great when I am able to relax. Hours of afternoon nap, a beautiful Bollywood movie, nice warm Indian dinner and then a drink with a bunch of friends in the city center.. cant ask for more.

The movie I watched is called 'Dhobi Ghat'. It is an unusual bollywood film, far from those dance song family dramas. It explores lives and life of Mumbai through the lens of an ordinary person. Four main characters and their life stories intertwined, great backdrop of the real city settings. I really felt that Mumbai came alive through the movie. Mumbai is my city, but in recent years, after having gone places, my relationship with Mumbai has grown colder and distant. There are more things that I dont like about Mumbai than the things that I adore and admire about her. The movies like this, connect me with my city, its people and life running around the clock. Suddenly I feel my place in this megacity, I am part of her and she is as much a character of me. I cant be separated from her, however further away I might move from her. I loved this film for its unusual handling and all the emotions that it brought to my mind. Here is the wikipedia link for the movie if someone is interested. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dhobi_Ghat_(film). By the way Dhobi Ghat means the common places where hundreds of washer men do Mumbai's laundry... It is one of the tourist attractions in Mumbai. I have never been there but someday soon I will make it a point to visit the place.

I think the other aspect of the film that I liked was photography. It is much easier to explore the places and its people from behind the camera.. I loved some of the shots.. the people captured on the film looked so real, so natural, so at peace with themselves and the chaos around. I suddenly had a bright idea. I have to go out there in my city with a camera and try to discover new angles to the city and life within. I could also do photographs of elderly people.. capturing old age in Mumbai through images.. I think that will be a project worthwhile considering... another thing to my list of things to do.. Mumbai and its people from behind the lens.

This evening I had my first spritz, a padovian drink that I often saw around me but never tested before. I think I liked it but the best was the atmosphere. It was 24 C, cool breeze and loads of people around, after all it was a Friday night.. I got some beautiful shots in that area... cant wait to view them all..

What I am realizing each day is that life is really beautiful if I let it be that way.. Dolce Vita as they say it in Italian... I am glad that I have started taking baby steps towards accepting the life and enjoying its beauty.. and I must say I am loving it...

Goodnight my friends...

Joy of doing nothing

Today was a lazy day. I did nothing from the academic point of view. I spent hours shining my room, organizing the closet and cleaning up the study desk. The room looks and feels heavenly and the cool breeze through the window makes it even more magical. I decided not to study or read. Today was my day off. A day to spend doing nothing really important or relevant. I lingered over breakfast for almost an hour and same was the case with the lunch.

This evening, we decided to have dinner in a Chinese restaurant. The four of us, the Asians, two Indians, one Philippino and one Indonesian. The dinner stretched over three hours and it ended with Gelato. I cant forget I am in Italy so Gelato at the end of a good meal is a must. On my way to the restaurants, I was taking pictures as usual. I get intrigued by few things and I take hundreds of shots of these things. For example, the clouds in the sky, the old buildings, beautiful designs of the doors and the windows and the curtains... Padova is heaven for these pictures.. the windows small and big, greens and blues, the iron gates and old old houses. Today is a public holiday in Italy and it was visible in the city center. Everyone was out on the streets, eating drinking, eating gelato, relaxing with families, all the people, the young and the old alike.

These days, I have this strange urge to take pictures of people walking on the street in a natural moment. I get fascinated by the people who walk by, the way they are dressed, their facial expressions and it almost feels as I know their story through their eyes. Looking straight at them might make them uncomfortable and that is when camera comes in handy. In a way I can hide behind the lens and still get their story, still see through their life but without making it obvious. But I must say I am afraid.. am I impinging their privacy? Am I being too intrusive? Would they take offense of it? Is it ok if I can walk up to them and ask for permission? But taking permission means you lose the natural moment.. and I believe those are the best shots, when the person is unaware.. capturing the candid moments... what should I do? I never felt so compelled to take pictures of people. I have always been more interested in taking landscapes and sky... do we go through these phases even in our interest in photography? Does this change mean anything? Am I becoming more interested in social human life around me? I don't have answers for any of these nor do I need to know them immediately. But i only hope that I will find the most ethical way to photograph people in coming days without being a paparazzi...

I must say that my day was relaxing and i wont mind having such periodic breaks of 'doing nothing' to keep myself optimally functional.. what do you do when you want to take a break.. what helps you recharge your batteries?

Ciao...

30 days in Padova

I have been silent for more than a month. Feels really strange. I was not feeling inspired to write. Yesterday a friend of mine made me realize that this blog is more than a personal journal. I felt the need to go through my own posts and reflect on how life has taken turns since the catastrophe in August 2010. Writing and blogging helped me not only reflect but also to remain sane in the madness going on around me that time. But as I started feeling better, I stopped blogging. Almost same is the case when the patients stop their treatment when they start feeling better and symptoms are less.

I decided to start writing again. It is my last month in lovely Padova. The months have just flown by. Soon we all will part our ways and face the reality of working world. Saying goodbye to places and people has always been hard for me but this time i want to make most of it. In 30 days ahead, I want to absorb as much Padova and Italian life as I can. I want to live every moment and go home with bags full of good times, memories and experiences.

We woke up to a beautiful rainy morning today, I opened the window and spent five minutes staring at the rain drops making ripples in little puddle of water just outside my window. It was a magical moment to watch these ripples form, spread and then either disappear or merge into other ripples. Is life not the same? Everything happening, both happy and sad is transitory, like the ripples and it always makes a beautiful design and then fades away. I have a tendency to hold on to life events but only when i let go off them, I will be open to new ripples forming and new experiences coming my way.

I feel sorry that I did not make enough effort to connect with the locals here. Padova is a tiny student town, people are very friendly but language poses a significant barrier. I know that communication is not just about spoken words. What about that group of elderly women who enthusiastically tried to communicate with me with words, gestures and touch the other evening? They admired my black and gray hair, they were curious to know where I am from and what brings me to Padova, they were all talking at the same time. We were in chaos but there was a song of connectedness in that chaos. We were women, the young and the old, appreciating each others skin, hair, dress and smiles. I so wanted all silver hair like them and they wanted to have the tone of my skin. We took pictures, hands going around hands and shoulders and big smiles. I am sure if I hang around that piazza regularly, I will be easily accepted as one of them. I can sit there and listen to them. The elderly men were a bit distant but the ladies were just wonderful and beautiful. Elderly women inspire me, they make me want to grow old fast but like a mature wine, happy and content about life spent and optimistic and hopeful about the days ahead. I want to be a happy old woman. Did I tell you that Italian women are the most elegant women I have ever met. They may be young or old but they carry themselves so elegantly. The way they combine their dresses and accessories and off course their best accessories are their confidence and innate charm. I can spend hours together watching them walk by in public places. I have this immense urge to ask them, 'will you give me basic lessons in grooming and being like you?' Have you ever noticed this pair of twinkling eyes from the wrinkled face? I have no words to express that twinkle, that face and the story of life behind those pair of eyes. Each is like an open book ready to be read through the eyes of the individual.

This evening on our way back from Asian Grocery store, three (girls)of us decided to go for a drink. The evening breeze was perfect to relax and enjoy a drink outside and there are lovely tiny cafes all around the city. We had fun time, the girl talks, the gossips and hot chocolate along with the live music being played. We all realized that the time is slipping out of our hands just like the sand from a closed fist. We have to make sure to enjoy these little pleasures of student life in an Italian summer.. and why not? How many people get to go places like we did? How many get to be in Italy for 3 months in the best season of the year? How many of us get to make friends from across continents, fight and argue with them, cook and eat together and laugh and cry with each other?

I must say I am blessed. Life has always opened up beautiful opportunities in front of me. What made the difference is my attitude towards life and its opportunities. Every time I went and greeted life with open arms, eyes and mind, I got ample love, warmth and affection in return, more than what I probably gave. But if I was skeptical and closed for whatever reasons, things always turned out differently. I have every reason to believe in goodness that life brings and that is what I am going to do for coming 30 days.. embrace the life with an open mind.

My wishes for 2day are.. I want to grow into elegant, mature and beautiful woman like the Italian ladies, the young and the old. And I want to take pleasure in small joys of life, like a hot chocolate with girl friends or a smile from an elderly woman just crossing the path. It doesn't cost a penny but it is the best therapy to feel happy...

what is your wish for the day friends....