It has been a real long time since my last blog post. No explanations or confessions.. rather I just decided to start again.
2012 has been exciting up till now. First I got my work permit and I started teaching in the Netherlands. I always wanted to be a teacher but it was only when i started teaching, I realize how much effort and preparation goes in a two hour lecture.I started respecting my teachers even more since I became a teacher myself.
End of February, I had a fabulous week long trip to NY. My first trip to NY, first presentation in an international conference.. I was nervous and excited at the same time... this trip was special, i met interesting people, and also did some touristy things like visiting time square or strolling through china town and bargaining for things...NY felt like a home, loads of similarities with my city Mumbai. People were extremely friendly and helpful. I would love to live in NY for a few years to explore this city more...
March was special for my brother was visiting me in the Netherlands. We enjoyed our time and company of each other. We traveled a bit but it was also special how he took over household responsibilities while I was at work.We also spent time with some common friends. The days flew by and there were many things that we could not do. At the same time, there were also a number of sudden plans and opportunities that came our way and we could grab it. Sometimes we were amazed with new transformations in each other's lives, there were moments of tension as well. But overall, it was a special time that we could share.
Now my brother has returned home and I have to plan for the days and months ahead. I often get amazed at the wisdom of my brother and admire him for who he is. There are so many things that I still have to learn from him and most important, I have to learn and see him as a capable, confident and strong man whose heart and feet are in right place. I have this man to support me through my best and worse times and to remind me when I am going off balance... i am grateful for this special relationship that I share with my brother.. he makes my life more colorful and vibrant..
While all this has been happening, the seasons have transitioned from the winter to spring. I want to have similar transformation on how I feel about myself and how I perceive my life. Rather I would say that I want to go a step beyond and blossom in my personal life with the spring in the air and be open and willing to enjoy the summer of life. First task is to take things easy, to allow myself to make mistakes and fail once in a while, to let go of my control freak nature and to learn to live the moment and relax.. I am realizing that with my personality, I often exhaust myself and the people around me. Nothing I do or gain is good enough. I beat myself up with all the criticism and then I just dont even want to try it any more.. the journey ahead is long.. but only when i start taking steps, I would reach somewhere.. the simplest way to get started was with this blog. I have been procrastinating about my blog writing as well... I dont have anything interesting. I cant write very well, so on and so forth.. but who cares.. I am not writing for people. I am writing for myself and I dont want to win Nobel prize for literature.. all I want is to express myself and share some of my thoughts with the others...
Take time out for yourself this spring and dont forget to enjoy the life.. This is also the message and mantra for myself... I want to be happy and enjoy each day and moment ahead.. are you ready to join me?
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Eat, pray, love and finding myself..
In June 2008, a dear friend of mine recommended the book 'Eat, Pray,Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert. I must say I enjoyed the book. Her story resonated with mine in many ways.I wondered about the possibilities in my own life to take a year off and travel to three countries in search of my own self? I thought, 'that would be a far stretched dream.. may be something I might try 10 years down the line when I have more money and luxury to take a year off..' little did I know then, that I would set out on a similar journey in just 2 years time...This is the story of my year off...not exactly along the lines of Elizabeth Gilbert's journey but quite similar to it...
Exactly a year ago, I arrived in Leuven, Belgium. I had made a conscious decision to call off my planned wedding in August that year. It was the most difficult phase of my life. I lost social and family support overnight. 'She is stupid. How can she be afraid of marriage? She has such a loving and understanding fiance and her in-laws love her so much. It must have been all those years away from India that she has become so self-centered. She has destroyed her own happiness'. They all had their opinions and they had loads of criticism for me. I lost my friends almost overnight, both men and women and I became a biggest tragedy in my community for I refused to get married.
I do not want to talk about why I took that decision. That is not important nor relevant anymore. All I want to share here is that the tremendous social and family criticism knocked me out completely. I lost all my self esteem, confidence and I became one miserable woman. I took all the blame and guilt and held myself responsible for everything, my pain, pain of my loved ones and all the financial and relational losses. I internalized the feeling that I am a total failure and extremely weak woman who did not even have courage to get married with a partner she had chosen herself. I did not have courage to set foot out of my house for many weeks that followed as I could not take those looks of mockery and sympathy thrown at me.. I thought.. this is the end of my life story. I have no hope and I am good for nothing.. I could not recognize myself in my feelings, thoughts or even actions.... I lost myself completely...
It was my younger brother who pushed me to get my act together. I had a one year scholarship to study bioethics as a part of Erasmus program. At some point, I was so weak and unsure of myself that I decided to give up my scholarship. I thought, I cant study any more.. and I don't want to fail in academics now after having failed in personal life.But my brother persisted and I started yet another journey.. my year away from home, a journey into healing and self realization.. the time stolen to make peace with myself.. I had no hopes and no expectations but I was happy to realize that I wont be haunted with the questions about my failure to get married at least for a year.. and that was a big relief...
4th October 2010, I 'celebrated' my 31st birthday with floods of tears and no sign of happiness... the same evening I flew out of India and next day early morning I arrived in Belgium... tired, exhausted, weak, unsure,confused and scared. Will I survive this European winter? Will I fall apart emotionally and psychologically through the dark and cold months of winter ahead? Will I be able to study and pass my exams? Those were hard days. I had not slept well for months together, the nightmares kept me company. I had to force myself to eat and I had to make tremendous effort to attend my classes. Nothing discussed in classes made sense.. I was not there.. the words fell on my ears but had no impact. I was sure, I was going to fail all my assignments. My friends in the Netherlands, new classmates got together and they created a support system around me. No weekend was spent without friends visiting me over. zen meditation helped me find some moments of peace and by December, I had at least regularized my daily routine. I could participate in few social occasions. A classmate helped me prepare for my exams. Another friend and her young children provided me with warmth of human interaction. I was slowly able to sleep better and I could feel the initial sings of improvement...
I celebrated the new year in Amsterdam with my friends and next day I moved to Nijmegen, a city in the South of the Netherlands.. from January to March, I stayed in the Netherlands. I am familiar with and in fact fond of Dutch Academic environment. I slowly found my voice in Nijmegen. I also had large network of friends in the Netherlands and for some strange reasons, the Netherlands always felt like home to me. Meditation continued. I was proactive in class discussions. I also conducted a qualitative research on euthanasia during those three months in the Netherlands. This was my first research abroad and it was indeed a fulfilling experience. I enjoyed every bit of it and though the months were full of hard work, I enjoyed every minute of it. By mid March, daffodils started peeping out of the snow covered soil and I could see and feel the arrival of spring around me and also within me. After series of farewell dinners in the Netherlands.. thanks to my wonderful friends... beginning of April,I was south-bound.
The last leg of my studies from April to June was in Padova, Italy. Gilbert's descriptions of Italian pleasures of food and drinks were my everyday experiences in those three months. Italian spring, great food, a culture that ensures pleasure of everyday life..calling it 'Dolce vita'.. i was flowering once again... more classes, more exams but loads of travels... travelling was my priority.. I was lucky to experience Italian hospitality at homes of my Italian friends from Turin to Venice.. I was living that dream life.. I was definitely feeling much better but soon the worries started.. what will happen to me after graduation? end of June will not only mark the end of my academic program but I feared that it will also end my happy life. I feared returning to India. I was not ready yet. I needed more time to gather my strength and to really figure out what is that I wanted. I was not ready to go back home. End of May, and I became desperate... what was I going to do next? A friend of mine in the Netherlands rescued me and offered a place to stay for few months more.. she wanted me to take time off for myself.. no studies, no assignments.. just enjoy European summer...and reflect on my life path ahead..
4th July 2011, I arrived in Groningen and last three months have been the best part of my journey over this year.. what did I do? I ate, I slept many hours, I watched movies, I read many non academic books.. I cooked for hours and we invited our friends over for dinner.. we lingered over food and we talked about our lives. we laughed together and we also cried together.. I was accepted by her friends and family and many new experiences opened up in front of me... Dutch plays, working in the garden, visiting farmer's markets, dancing tango, hosting friends and enjoying sauna.. getting lost in huge public library and binging on fries and chocolates.. I started running with her and for the first time, realized how happy one could feel after a good run.. I started laughing a lot.. I became a child again, curious and open to new experiences, able to amuse myself with little things around me.. roaming through a Dutch farm of 90 cows and jumping on trampoline... enjoying the feel of water while jumping in swimming pool and sometimes the joy of doing nothing.. I was happy again.. I thought, I would never find happiness in my life.. but I was wrong..Once I accepted myself just the way I was with all my strengths and weaknesses, it was easy to find my joy.. and presence of huge circle of friends around me made a significant difference... what I had lost a year ago, I received much more back... the pain of the past became less... the memories started fading away.. the decision to call of the wedding was celebrated at its first anniversary along with a large group of my friends..(refer to the post, Sunday with the stars) I cried a lot but these were the tears of joy.. Last three months here were the most special moments of my life.. they gave me a second life..
I celebrated my 32nd birthday yesterday and I kept reflecting on my own journey over last one year.. yes I lost a few precious people and friends but it taught me to be more open to life, to accept myself and my vulnerabilities and most important was to learn that I am more than my marital status. I am not a wife but I am a great friend to many people and that gives me an immense sense of satisfaction. My circle of friends is constantly expanding and so is the depth of my relationship with the others.. I am working on my fears about love and marriage and I must say when I take one step forward, I see more helping hands stretching towards me.. I feel loved, cherished, nurtured and valued for who I am and not rejected for what I lack... I will hopefully start working in the Netherlands soon but I have already started most important work, to be myself, to find my own calling, to live life to the fullest as if this might be my last chance.. and I feel happy about all the experiences that life has shown me till now...
It really did not take 10 years for me to have 'eat, pray, love' experience but this one year gave me a lot to understand and to learn about...I take this moment to thank all those who have contributed to who I am, who have been my support and strength.. I would not have reached this far.. without your loving presence in my life.. thank you very much...
Exactly a year ago, I arrived in Leuven, Belgium. I had made a conscious decision to call off my planned wedding in August that year. It was the most difficult phase of my life. I lost social and family support overnight. 'She is stupid. How can she be afraid of marriage? She has such a loving and understanding fiance and her in-laws love her so much. It must have been all those years away from India that she has become so self-centered. She has destroyed her own happiness'. They all had their opinions and they had loads of criticism for me. I lost my friends almost overnight, both men and women and I became a biggest tragedy in my community for I refused to get married.
I do not want to talk about why I took that decision. That is not important nor relevant anymore. All I want to share here is that the tremendous social and family criticism knocked me out completely. I lost all my self esteem, confidence and I became one miserable woman. I took all the blame and guilt and held myself responsible for everything, my pain, pain of my loved ones and all the financial and relational losses. I internalized the feeling that I am a total failure and extremely weak woman who did not even have courage to get married with a partner she had chosen herself. I did not have courage to set foot out of my house for many weeks that followed as I could not take those looks of mockery and sympathy thrown at me.. I thought.. this is the end of my life story. I have no hope and I am good for nothing.. I could not recognize myself in my feelings, thoughts or even actions.... I lost myself completely...
It was my younger brother who pushed me to get my act together. I had a one year scholarship to study bioethics as a part of Erasmus program. At some point, I was so weak and unsure of myself that I decided to give up my scholarship. I thought, I cant study any more.. and I don't want to fail in academics now after having failed in personal life.But my brother persisted and I started yet another journey.. my year away from home, a journey into healing and self realization.. the time stolen to make peace with myself.. I had no hopes and no expectations but I was happy to realize that I wont be haunted with the questions about my failure to get married at least for a year.. and that was a big relief...
4th October 2010, I 'celebrated' my 31st birthday with floods of tears and no sign of happiness... the same evening I flew out of India and next day early morning I arrived in Belgium... tired, exhausted, weak, unsure,confused and scared. Will I survive this European winter? Will I fall apart emotionally and psychologically through the dark and cold months of winter ahead? Will I be able to study and pass my exams? Those were hard days. I had not slept well for months together, the nightmares kept me company. I had to force myself to eat and I had to make tremendous effort to attend my classes. Nothing discussed in classes made sense.. I was not there.. the words fell on my ears but had no impact. I was sure, I was going to fail all my assignments. My friends in the Netherlands, new classmates got together and they created a support system around me. No weekend was spent without friends visiting me over. zen meditation helped me find some moments of peace and by December, I had at least regularized my daily routine. I could participate in few social occasions. A classmate helped me prepare for my exams. Another friend and her young children provided me with warmth of human interaction. I was slowly able to sleep better and I could feel the initial sings of improvement...
I celebrated the new year in Amsterdam with my friends and next day I moved to Nijmegen, a city in the South of the Netherlands.. from January to March, I stayed in the Netherlands. I am familiar with and in fact fond of Dutch Academic environment. I slowly found my voice in Nijmegen. I also had large network of friends in the Netherlands and for some strange reasons, the Netherlands always felt like home to me. Meditation continued. I was proactive in class discussions. I also conducted a qualitative research on euthanasia during those three months in the Netherlands. This was my first research abroad and it was indeed a fulfilling experience. I enjoyed every bit of it and though the months were full of hard work, I enjoyed every minute of it. By mid March, daffodils started peeping out of the snow covered soil and I could see and feel the arrival of spring around me and also within me. After series of farewell dinners in the Netherlands.. thanks to my wonderful friends... beginning of April,I was south-bound.
The last leg of my studies from April to June was in Padova, Italy. Gilbert's descriptions of Italian pleasures of food and drinks were my everyday experiences in those three months. Italian spring, great food, a culture that ensures pleasure of everyday life..calling it 'Dolce vita'.. i was flowering once again... more classes, more exams but loads of travels... travelling was my priority.. I was lucky to experience Italian hospitality at homes of my Italian friends from Turin to Venice.. I was living that dream life.. I was definitely feeling much better but soon the worries started.. what will happen to me after graduation? end of June will not only mark the end of my academic program but I feared that it will also end my happy life. I feared returning to India. I was not ready yet. I needed more time to gather my strength and to really figure out what is that I wanted. I was not ready to go back home. End of May, and I became desperate... what was I going to do next? A friend of mine in the Netherlands rescued me and offered a place to stay for few months more.. she wanted me to take time off for myself.. no studies, no assignments.. just enjoy European summer...and reflect on my life path ahead..
4th July 2011, I arrived in Groningen and last three months have been the best part of my journey over this year.. what did I do? I ate, I slept many hours, I watched movies, I read many non academic books.. I cooked for hours and we invited our friends over for dinner.. we lingered over food and we talked about our lives. we laughed together and we also cried together.. I was accepted by her friends and family and many new experiences opened up in front of me... Dutch plays, working in the garden, visiting farmer's markets, dancing tango, hosting friends and enjoying sauna.. getting lost in huge public library and binging on fries and chocolates.. I started running with her and for the first time, realized how happy one could feel after a good run.. I started laughing a lot.. I became a child again, curious and open to new experiences, able to amuse myself with little things around me.. roaming through a Dutch farm of 90 cows and jumping on trampoline... enjoying the feel of water while jumping in swimming pool and sometimes the joy of doing nothing.. I was happy again.. I thought, I would never find happiness in my life.. but I was wrong..Once I accepted myself just the way I was with all my strengths and weaknesses, it was easy to find my joy.. and presence of huge circle of friends around me made a significant difference... what I had lost a year ago, I received much more back... the pain of the past became less... the memories started fading away.. the decision to call of the wedding was celebrated at its first anniversary along with a large group of my friends..(refer to the post, Sunday with the stars) I cried a lot but these were the tears of joy.. Last three months here were the most special moments of my life.. they gave me a second life..
I celebrated my 32nd birthday yesterday and I kept reflecting on my own journey over last one year.. yes I lost a few precious people and friends but it taught me to be more open to life, to accept myself and my vulnerabilities and most important was to learn that I am more than my marital status. I am not a wife but I am a great friend to many people and that gives me an immense sense of satisfaction. My circle of friends is constantly expanding and so is the depth of my relationship with the others.. I am working on my fears about love and marriage and I must say when I take one step forward, I see more helping hands stretching towards me.. I feel loved, cherished, nurtured and valued for who I am and not rejected for what I lack... I will hopefully start working in the Netherlands soon but I have already started most important work, to be myself, to find my own calling, to live life to the fullest as if this might be my last chance.. and I feel happy about all the experiences that life has shown me till now...
It really did not take 10 years for me to have 'eat, pray, love' experience but this one year gave me a lot to understand and to learn about...I take this moment to thank all those who have contributed to who I am, who have been my support and strength.. I would not have reached this far.. without your loving presence in my life.. thank you very much...
Sunday, September 4, 2011
't Gateauke, delicious and inspiring...
My trip to Maastricht last weekend was fun for more than one reasons. I want to take you through an extraordinary culinary experience that I bumped into just by chance. Here is my story.
It was raining heavy on Saturday morning. It looked like a late evening when it was just 11am. We were driving through a small village 'Eijsden' near Maastricht. The street was lined by restaurants full of people enjoying their brunch. Bright and pink little cafe caught our eye and we decided to have a warm drink.. a perfect excuse on a rainy morning.
't Gateauke is a little patisserie and a cafe run by a mother-daughter duo. The interiors of the cafe were cozy and bright with floral designs, lovely lamps, beautiful chairs and most important, delicious pastries, cakes, cupcakes and chocolates. It was impossible to resist the temptation to enter this cafe and once in, there is no way one could leave without trying some of their delicacies. The decor of the cafe personifies the warm and friendly ladies who are creating this culinary extravaganza through their work. We settled on a table by the window, busy absorbing the atmosphere and flipping through the menu card. I wanted to order it all and die of over-indulgence of sweets and cakes.. that would be a great death, I thought. Should I order a chocolate cupcake or the muffin? How do I make a choice when everything is so alluring?
We placed our order. I could not stop myself from talking to the ladies, Yvonne and Barbara. They were more than willing to answer my questions. This is how 't Gateauke came into existence.
'My mother was teaching women how to bake cakes and pastries at our home for many years. We realized that with increasing number of women who wanted to learn, our home kitchen was not spacious enough to conduct these courses. Why not start a small patisserie? We started thinking about it and things got moving'. The daughter informed us while bringing our orders.
'We are new. We started this cafe in April this year. It all began in March and as luck would have it, this place became available for renting. It is indeed a perfect location and within a month we opened our doors to the customers. A friend of ours helped us redecorate the old chairs in appropriate fabric. We paid an extra attention on the interiors, the kind of glassware and cutlery we wanted to have. It was a bit expensive as an initial cost but the feel that it created was priceless. Another friend of ours worked on our logo, business cards and also the paintings to go alone the theme of cakes. All these paintings, she did it herself'.
While we were busy listening to the daughter, the mother was instructing a group of about 10-12 women. They were decorating beautiful cakes. It was such a perfect environment. Women's world, infused with love, passion for cooking and an eye for beauty. We savored every bite of our cakes and I took photographs just to keep a memory of this experience. We also discussed a possibility of these two ladies travelling to India to conduct the workshops in baking. It was so easy to feel connected with them. I asked them, if I could write about their patisserie in my blog and they both graciously agreed.
I know the limitations of my words to do justice to their work. You have to try it yourself to believe it but for those who cant travel to Maastrict in near future, please have a look at their website. www.gateauke.nl. You will get the glimpses of how it is in reality through this website. I have been reading about inspired actions and these two ladies were living examples of the same. When we really want to create something with all our passion, things do fall in place and the dreams do come true. I have read similar stories about people who have made it big in their life but still all those personalities felt distant, alien in a way. But Barbara and Yvonne and their story inspired me immensely. Thank you ladies, you indeed made by day last Saturday and gave me food for thought. I am happy that I could write about you through this blog.
I wish them both a successful profession and I am sure they will continue to inspire many people through their art and their personalities. I cant wait to visit you again just for another bout of happiness through food and I must say, I have decided to learn baking myself. Thanks to 't Gateauke!!!
PS. It is a pity that I donot know how to place pictures in a nicer way within the text of this blog. I wish I could do something about it. Any suggestions how can I place pictures in different sections of this blog post?
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Maastricht by the river Maas
I love my life these days for I am enjoying each moment of it. I am living in the Netherlands and I am surrounded by great friends and their families. Most importantly, I am travelling around in this country and exploring cities and towns at my own pace and to my own taste..
I just spent a long weekend in Maastricht. Many beleive that this is the oldest city in the Netherlands but some others argue that it is Nijmegen. I lived in Nijmegen for three months this year and I recently spent three days in Maastricht. My first ever visit to Maastrict. The trip was special for a number of reasons. For the first time I experienced Dutch life in camping cars.. for those of you who are not much in contact with the Dutch, they are fond of their bikes, their boats and kayaks and they cant imagine their summer without their camping cars. By now I had seen a number of camping cars from outside and a few from inside but this time I spent three nights in a camping car. I was excited like a child at this opportunity as carvans and camping cars for me were things to be seen in movies... and there I was living in one... and it was superfun... By the way, I live in Groningen, the city way up in the North and Maastricht is way down south, some 360kms away and Maastricht is a confluence of Germany,Belgium and the Netherlands. This city by the river Maas has acquired a unique character from these cultures and I have more stories to tell you about that...
What else I did in Maastrict apart from enjoying the camping car? Well, I rode an electric bicycle for the first time, I watched first Dutch play. I did not understand the words but I must say I could feel the tension as the play unfolded in front of us. I freaked out in the weekly vegetarian open market for super cheap fresh vegetables but also I could find Okra.. I do not get Okra that easily in the Netherlands, particularly kind of Okra that we get back home. We do get Okra from Suriname which is slightly different but in Maastrict I bought Okra from Kenya.. and I cooked a lovely vegetable out of it. One morning, I woke up by the river and the other day by a lawn with horses. I participated as an enthusiastic audience for a bachelor's party.. and I was overjoyed to take few fabulous shots of thunder storm and lightening... I visited a huge Asian supermarket, I had never seen such a huge Asian market before in this country and guess what, I went to Belgium one morning just to buy fresh bread and some muesli. The food in Belgium tastes so much better... I relived my moments in Leuven. I binged on my favorite apple-cakes. We visited a castle nearby on a Sunday morning, there was no one around.. we were the princesses strolling around. A tree lined canopy fascinated me and we meditated under this arch of green life. It started raining soon, we could hear the rain drops and its intensity but we were safe and dry.. the meditation was refreshing and energizing.
The ease with which we can cross borders within EU still surprises me. I spent an hour with a Belgian family, a family of musicians to be precise. Sunday morning, warm and friendly people and some apple sap... a dog competing to get your attention.. three siblings spending summer together in their Parents house. I met first Cello player in my life, this young, bright and beautiful woman is a professional cello player and has been trained in Brussels and Freiburg and will soon set the sail for Basel. It is a pity that I did not get to experience her music. Her dad is a piano teacher and he tunes the pianos back into melody.. I did not know what is the word for such a person but I did not want to say, he fixes the pianos or treats the ones who are not doing well. One of the brothers is a Kayaker and leads student groups on many expeditions. The family was so special but still so humble, friendly and happy.. I was happy to have met them all... I wish I could spend more time with this family.
The evening turned out special due to performance of the Dutch play. But we also cooked Indian dishes for a group of 60 people. My first cooking stint in such a massive quantity. I was a bit nervous if they would find food spicy but as luck would have it, we ran out of food. People just loved it and we did not even get to taste it. I think it is true that food can connect people.. otherwise how do I explain all the connections I have been making in this country... ohh I love food and I live for food...
Food, that reminds me.. I have to take you on a special culinary experience that I had in Maastricht.. I will do it in my next blog post.. so stay tuned and enjoy every moment of your life...
Love and sunshine from Groningen...Doei....
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Sunday with the stars
Saturday, 20th August 2011, 10pm.
'Hey, we have to take 8.51train to Zwolle. Remember we are visiting Martha in the Hague. And yes, please wear something that you like and feel comfortable in. The weather will be nice so you can even put on a dress', My friend Margreet enthusiastically told me.
Why do I need the dress, we are going to spend the whole day indoors, watching movies, talking, eating, gossiping, just being girls... I was wondering.. I said to her instead..'I have some nice dresses but I don't have shoes'
The excuse of shoes did not work as we both have same shoe size. I took out a beautiful dress that my brother bought for my graduation exactly a year ago and I never wore it. It was too beautiful for me to wear, I thought.. also it is smallest dress I have. I am not used to wearing a dress that is so 'sexy' in a way because I am too conscious of my body image.
Sunday Morning,21st August 2011, 8am
We both were ready, new dress, shoes, matching little sweater and the jewelry. I really felt I was overdressed but then decided not to worry about it.. we strolled happily to the train station, with the cookies and a thermos flask of tea... I wondered why we were not taking a train that directly goes to the Hague.. she had brilliant answer.. because the direct train doesn't work today... We settled in our train to Zwolle. I like to sit by the window in the direction of the train and she sat opposite me. We started chatting about the plans for the day. The train took off from the station and first envelop was pulled out of her bag. 'check this out. Today is your day' She said to me.
Vertrek 8.51 Noord, Zondag 9.10-10.00
The writing on the envelop read. I opened it to find a train itinerary to Nijmegen in the south of the Netherlands, a university town where I studied from January to March 2011. 'You know Martha and Gerard are in Nijmegen since Thursday evening for the Tango festival. Hence we have to meet them there'. I know about the Tango festival and I know how much Martha, Margreet and Gerard love to Tango. To be honest I love it to. I can spend hours together watching the couples Tango and dream that some day I will be able to Tango too. It makes sense, if they are in Nijmegen we have to meet them in Nijmegen. 'I did not bring my dance shoes'.. I looked at her helplessly. She smiles and says, 'I have them here'.... The train brought us to Nijmegen.
El Corte, Nijmegen
I love Nijmegen, the place where I really started recovering from my emotional troubles early this year. I felt bad that I did not contact my dear friends Josephine and Ilona who live in Nijmegen. Margreet said that they were not free today for a family function. Yes, that is true, I knew it too. Too bad that I cant see them today, I thought.
El Corte was beautiful as usual, too warm though.. couples were swirling soaked in sweat.. first I could find Martha in beautiful pink dress dancing and meditating on the dance at the same time.. and there I could see Gerard as well... I must say, I was a bit uncomfortable in my short dress... it definitely looked great and there were many elegantly dressed women.. it was just the nervousness of having worn something different. I watched them dance ... , I did not want to dance because I cant dance yet and el Corte being the Mecca of Tango in the Netherlands, dancers here are fabulous... but I enjoyed watching them dance..
We decided to go for lunch. It was Sunday and it made it difficult to find a restaurant. But we managed. We ordered our food and all four of us got busy chattering. We can talk for hours on various topics, from films to photography to being men and women.. and when I am with these friends, I laugh a lot.. it is impossible to be sad when surrounded by them. The drinks arrived and we raised the glasses towards each other... 'We are here today to celebrate the 'brave decision' that you took a year ago. We are happy because it gave us a chance to meet you and to get to know you. We are proud of you and we hope that you will stay here longer'...
I knew what was it all about.... a brave decision that I took a year ago.. the 1st anniversary of that decision, I could not control my tears but it was ok to fall in arms of these special friends and cry, sob, speak in words that are beyond comprehension in the middle of my tears and laugh at the very next moment. I was loved, protected and cherished all at the same time by my three Dutch friends in Nijmegen.. I felt overwhelmed but in happy ways.. after many more hugs and bouts of laughter, we headed to Nijmegen station.. I knew by then that Margreet must have cooked up some more plans.. I became curious and also excited about the evening but I had no idea what I was getting into...
Voor 15.00 uur, Vertrek 15.18 spoor 4a
This was the next envelop which I could open just before we said goodbye to Gerard and Martha.. it had an itinerary to Amsterdam Centraal... another city which has played significant role in my life... the journey involved two train changes..
15.18 - 15.48
The next envelop came out when the train got out of Nijmegen station. I need not take out the letter completely.. I could see the typed letter in marathi, my language.. and I instantly knew it was a letter from my mother.. My mother has written 100s of letters for me over last 30 years, her letters accompany me on each journey... This year has been especially hard for our relationship with each other, we were avoiding each other and I was clearly running away from her.. I read the letter with great hunger and in the first paragraph itself, I burst into tears. I made no efforts to control that flood. I cried and cried... and felt how stupid I was to avoide my mother all these months. My mother apologized to me through this letter for failing to understand me and support me when I needed her the most but also told me her difficulties to cope with my pace of life. she said she feels tired for two reasons, first for not being able to walk with me in the same pace and second for strong realization of her own inadequacies to support me.. even when she wants to.. Have you ever received such a letter from your mother or a loved one? It breaks your heart but it also melts all the coldness between you... I had to call up my mother, the connection was not great and it was impossible to understand me amongst those tears.. but I did tell her that I am sorry for all my behavior and that I love her dearly.. she told me to enjoy the day ahead and be happy always.. 'she is also part of this conspiracy'.. I could clearly see that.. the journey continued and I continued to cry in arms of Margreet...
15.53- 16.51 1st letter
By now, I was happy to change the trains, as it meant, I would receive my next envelop.. and there it was.. this time, I received a beautiful, light hearted and yet thoughtful letter from my brother.. my brother has always been my biggest support.. he stood by me in every difficult situation and he was the one who encouraged me to take the necessary step last year.. he kept his word and he stood there rock-solid by my side.. in fact he also encouraged me to return to Europe.. this time, I did not cry as much but I had a constant smile on my face.. how does one feel when your younger brother who knows you so well writes a letter to you on such a special occasion?
15.53 -16.52 2nd Letter
Dutch trains often have problems and this is particularly true when the weather is bad or on weekend... we had to take one train extra.. it was not in our plan but as luck would have it, Margreet had one more letter waiting for me.. it was a poem.. and there was no name of the sender.. my eyes caught one word in the poem and I said to Margreet..'This is from Madhavi, How did you contact her in China?'... Gosh.. Margreet has really been up for a task..
Madhavi's words were so genuine and straight from heart, I have received many handwritten letters and poems from her since our medical school days.. I can feel Madhavi in each of her words... but her unconditional support went beyond words and poems.. she gave me a shelter in her house in China when I was falling apart in Mumbai in those early days.. She said, 'look I have two kids and my house is a mess but please come and stay with us.. a change of place will do you better and you have never been to China..'Ohh Madhavi.. you were with me then and you are with me now..
I was in thoughts of my friends and family from different parts of the world at the same time and they were reaching out to me through their own innovative ways through Margreet.. I felt showered in much love and affection.. I was speechless.. and I saw Margreet busy texting on phone.. yes of course, there were more surprises ahead of us.. we saw the Nemo through the train and she pulled out the next envelop..
Before entering Amsterdam..
This envelop was empty... may be that was part of the surprise.. we got off the train.. and I saw Katrine walking towards us on the platform.. I saw her but I could not believe it was her.. was I seeing a ghost?.. no it was Katrine... we hugged and I started crying again and thanking her for being there and she kept saying.. 'wait and watch.. this is just getting started..' and right at that moment.. our Chinese friends Peggy and Olivia came running towards us on the platform... big hugs followed, accompanied by laughter and joy...
Where in Amsterdam
Take tram 4 towards station Rai, get off at Fredreikspleine, walk through the park with a tree painted red and walk towards Utrechtstraat.. there you will find vegetarian restaurant 'de golden temple'..
Five of us followed the directions together... my friends know how much I love food... as we reached the restaurant... I saw Nuria hanging around on the street looking for someone.. I knew what was going on there.. they had mobilized all my friends in Amsterdam to meet at this place..
Nuria kept pretending that it was just a chance but we all knew it by then.. we settled in the cozy restaurant, had our tea and lassis.. hellos and catching up with each other.. and there walks in Anisha.. wowwww I kept wondering who else is coming in.. Nasima and Rhona arrived and we became a full house.. 9 lovely ladies in for a great feast...
We placed orders for food.. and my friends took over.. first came out a box, beautiful pink box.. they thought I need a box to put all those envelops and all other letters and cards which were coming my way.. they named it 'my good luck box'. Each girl brought out her card and little goodies they thought I would enjoy.. Anisha gave me a beautiful painting, painted by her.. a sea shore with rocks where a small daizy bloomed happily.. she said.. however rocky the situation may be around me, I have to remember my potential to bloom like this daizy.. Katrine gave me a card with bright sunflower and a small sticker to be ironed on my jacket or backpack.. all happy images and also funny.. my friends know I love flowers.. Peggy and Olivia gave me little pouch and a wooden seal to make my personalized stamp.. may be with my new name.. lovely.. Nasima gave me a little pebble with inscription 'friends for ever'.. Nuria was the messenger of Julia, Piet and Sjaak as well.. Julia and Piet sent me a card and beautiful little idol of Ganesha.. and Sjaak sent me a bottle of jam that he himself made with ruberb and strawberries.. he knows we both love that jam. The card he chose for me came from Poznan, in Poland and has a bronze statue of a man with a bicycle on it..'I chose this card for your love for the bicycle', the message read.. Nuria's card came from Bremen, a place where we traveled together in winter of 2009 and she gave me a pair of earnings with butterfly wings.. beautiful.. it also states that the butterflies were not killed for the purpose of making these ornaments.. I think they are the most unique earrings in my collection and it is true that I have been facinated by butterflies these days..
My box got full but more importantly my heart overflowed with joy and gratitude towards these special women..my friend Nasima called it 'a constellation of stars' the stars which are on move to and from different parts of the world but who come together and form meaningful shapes and structures.. the most important is gigantic support structures that we form..
The food came in and we ate it all.. we just loved it.. that was the only time we fell silent.. our Chinese friends tasted Indian food for the first time..I realized that it was me and Nasima who knew all the ladies present in the group and many women did not know each other that well.. that is when we started a new idea.. together we described each woman, the way we had met her, understood her and her unique qualities that we had noticed and experienced.. and that was a fabulous idea.. we had so many things to share and highlight about each other.. we were indeed stars but most of us felt that we were just ordinary people... that evening proved to us beyond doubts that there is extraordinary in each ordinary thing or a person. All we need is a perspective to feel the extraordinary facets.. the evening grew young.. the restaurant gave us space and freedom.. we spent about 4 hours there but soon we had to say goodbye..
Me and Margreet had the lonest travel home. Nasima was leaving for Bangladesh the very next morning.. Olivia burst into tears to say goodbye to all these friends she made in one evening and Peggy pondered..'have I ever made such special friends in my life?' Rhona responded, 'my dear quality and depth of friendship changes as we grow older. The things that mattered in the beginning, the competetion with fellow women doesnt matter anymore and we start appreciating friends just the way they are..' I thought that was the best words Peggy could have received in an answer.. so reassuring and comforting..
I am blessed with such lovely gang of friends.. I cant beleive that I had one or two friends max till the age of 23 .. I have been a slow starter but now, I feel it was totally worth it.. better late than never.. I wondered why am I blessed with such lovely friends... and my friends responded... 'are you kidding? Just look at you. we feel enriched to be here' 'you have great friends because of the way you are' 'oh we did nothing, mobilizing this party was such fun and easy because each person contacted bounced back with equal energy as they all wanted to be there for you..'
All I can say is thank you everyone .. for being there for me, spending your sunday evening to be with me, to prepare a good luck box for me .. I just have to open this box whenever I feel low and left out in life and all of you will spring out of the box.. It was this very same blog where I cried my lungs out last year.. when friends rejected me on facebook and I was almost an outcast for the circle of friends back home and it is one year and I am surrounded by much stronger bonds of friendship.. thank you, thank you, thank you very much...
Just before we left the restaurant, after series of hugs and kisses and goodbyes and wishes.. there came another envelop..
Planning last train home
Last train from Amsterdam to Groningen noord takes about 3 hours.. which meant we had ample time to reflect on.. just to let all the feelings and emotions sink in.. just feel happy and blessed.. we took the tram to the station.. if all train connection go as planned, we would be home by 1am. Both me and Margreet were visibly tired.. she had taken immense effort to plan this day... but she was happy...
Terugreis
Return journey in Dutch is called terug reis.. was it really a return journey for me? I think it was a new journey home.. yes I was coming home finally.. after feeling homeless in many ways for last one year.. where is my home? I am not referring to my home in Groningen Noord or for that matter in Mumbai.. I carry my home with me.. my home is my family of friends... friends across all age groups, all cultures and from across the globe.. some I meet in person and some keep shining the light of their love on me from the distance.. like madhavi shining from China... all my struggles and self doubt about my life altering decision vanished.. I finally made peace with myself and my life.. it was such an incredible feeling...
there she brings out yet another envelop... I open it with tears of joy.. I knew.. it was her letter.. the woman who did everything silently.. but with so much love and care.. she was speaking her heart to me through this last letter.. she thanked me for giving them all a chance to plan this day for me.. she thanked me for opening my world of friends in front of her.. she was happy to have interacted with my mother and brother and to have met all the special friends of mine in the Netherlands.. she oppologized for not being able to contact Leen in Leuven who gave me immense support in the winter last year.. I was speechless.. now I really started crying.. I hugged her and just kept saying thank you.. Thank you Margreet for all that you have done for me...
Special note:
The idea was conceptualized by Nasima and Margreet and they contacted all the friends who have been a great support for me in last one year.. I am extremely grateful to all of you (Margreet, Martha, Gerard, Josephine, Ilona, Nasima, prats, aai, Madhavi, Katrine, Olivia, Peggy, Nuria, Nasima, Rhona, Leen, Sjaak, Julia, Piet, Jan and all of you that are not listed here but are definitely in my thoughts.. you all have seen my roller coaster ride in last one year).. thanks a million for being there in so many ways for me...
The 'brave decision' that we celebrated this Sunday was to not get married when I was not ready for it. I wont discuss why I took that decision and how it must have hurt the people around me. I have apologized to everyone hurt in the process but do not know if I would ever be forgiven. On Sunday, I decided not to talk about that episode again but take the lessons learned with me for the life ahead..
This was a rather long but beautiful story of my 'Sunday with the stars..' This blog gave me a means of expression in those hard, gloomy days.. and I had to now share my happiness through the same blog.. we the gang of girls are planning something larger.. a sort of online community of friends.. who have supported us.. we want to share our stories and also the stories of special women we have met in our lives.. who continue to inspire us in different ways.. we are planning to be up and running by October this year.. so stay tuned..
The lady with the shell necklace who served our food in the restaurant has taken a lovely picture of the entire gang.. but I did not post it here.. friends, I hope you don't mind me using your first names in this blog. I did not want to change your names and nor did I want to write about M1, M2 M3 and R and K.. Please let me know if you disagree with me on using your first names..
Loads of love to you all...
I am off to Maastricht for yet another adventure this sunday and I will be back next week with more stories..
Till then take care...
'Hey, we have to take 8.51train to Zwolle. Remember we are visiting Martha in the Hague. And yes, please wear something that you like and feel comfortable in. The weather will be nice so you can even put on a dress', My friend Margreet enthusiastically told me.
Why do I need the dress, we are going to spend the whole day indoors, watching movies, talking, eating, gossiping, just being girls... I was wondering.. I said to her instead..'I have some nice dresses but I don't have shoes'
The excuse of shoes did not work as we both have same shoe size. I took out a beautiful dress that my brother bought for my graduation exactly a year ago and I never wore it. It was too beautiful for me to wear, I thought.. also it is smallest dress I have. I am not used to wearing a dress that is so 'sexy' in a way because I am too conscious of my body image.
Sunday Morning,21st August 2011, 8am
We both were ready, new dress, shoes, matching little sweater and the jewelry. I really felt I was overdressed but then decided not to worry about it.. we strolled happily to the train station, with the cookies and a thermos flask of tea... I wondered why we were not taking a train that directly goes to the Hague.. she had brilliant answer.. because the direct train doesn't work today... We settled in our train to Zwolle. I like to sit by the window in the direction of the train and she sat opposite me. We started chatting about the plans for the day. The train took off from the station and first envelop was pulled out of her bag. 'check this out. Today is your day' She said to me.
Vertrek 8.51 Noord, Zondag 9.10-10.00
The writing on the envelop read. I opened it to find a train itinerary to Nijmegen in the south of the Netherlands, a university town where I studied from January to March 2011. 'You know Martha and Gerard are in Nijmegen since Thursday evening for the Tango festival. Hence we have to meet them there'. I know about the Tango festival and I know how much Martha, Margreet and Gerard love to Tango. To be honest I love it to. I can spend hours together watching the couples Tango and dream that some day I will be able to Tango too. It makes sense, if they are in Nijmegen we have to meet them in Nijmegen. 'I did not bring my dance shoes'.. I looked at her helplessly. She smiles and says, 'I have them here'.... The train brought us to Nijmegen.
El Corte, Nijmegen
I love Nijmegen, the place where I really started recovering from my emotional troubles early this year. I felt bad that I did not contact my dear friends Josephine and Ilona who live in Nijmegen. Margreet said that they were not free today for a family function. Yes, that is true, I knew it too. Too bad that I cant see them today, I thought.
El Corte was beautiful as usual, too warm though.. couples were swirling soaked in sweat.. first I could find Martha in beautiful pink dress dancing and meditating on the dance at the same time.. and there I could see Gerard as well... I must say, I was a bit uncomfortable in my short dress... it definitely looked great and there were many elegantly dressed women.. it was just the nervousness of having worn something different. I watched them dance ... , I did not want to dance because I cant dance yet and el Corte being the Mecca of Tango in the Netherlands, dancers here are fabulous... but I enjoyed watching them dance..
We decided to go for lunch. It was Sunday and it made it difficult to find a restaurant. But we managed. We ordered our food and all four of us got busy chattering. We can talk for hours on various topics, from films to photography to being men and women.. and when I am with these friends, I laugh a lot.. it is impossible to be sad when surrounded by them. The drinks arrived and we raised the glasses towards each other... 'We are here today to celebrate the 'brave decision' that you took a year ago. We are happy because it gave us a chance to meet you and to get to know you. We are proud of you and we hope that you will stay here longer'...
I knew what was it all about.... a brave decision that I took a year ago.. the 1st anniversary of that decision, I could not control my tears but it was ok to fall in arms of these special friends and cry, sob, speak in words that are beyond comprehension in the middle of my tears and laugh at the very next moment. I was loved, protected and cherished all at the same time by my three Dutch friends in Nijmegen.. I felt overwhelmed but in happy ways.. after many more hugs and bouts of laughter, we headed to Nijmegen station.. I knew by then that Margreet must have cooked up some more plans.. I became curious and also excited about the evening but I had no idea what I was getting into...
Voor 15.00 uur, Vertrek 15.18 spoor 4a
This was the next envelop which I could open just before we said goodbye to Gerard and Martha.. it had an itinerary to Amsterdam Centraal... another city which has played significant role in my life... the journey involved two train changes..
15.18 - 15.48
The next envelop came out when the train got out of Nijmegen station. I need not take out the letter completely.. I could see the typed letter in marathi, my language.. and I instantly knew it was a letter from my mother.. My mother has written 100s of letters for me over last 30 years, her letters accompany me on each journey... This year has been especially hard for our relationship with each other, we were avoiding each other and I was clearly running away from her.. I read the letter with great hunger and in the first paragraph itself, I burst into tears. I made no efforts to control that flood. I cried and cried... and felt how stupid I was to avoide my mother all these months. My mother apologized to me through this letter for failing to understand me and support me when I needed her the most but also told me her difficulties to cope with my pace of life. she said she feels tired for two reasons, first for not being able to walk with me in the same pace and second for strong realization of her own inadequacies to support me.. even when she wants to.. Have you ever received such a letter from your mother or a loved one? It breaks your heart but it also melts all the coldness between you... I had to call up my mother, the connection was not great and it was impossible to understand me amongst those tears.. but I did tell her that I am sorry for all my behavior and that I love her dearly.. she told me to enjoy the day ahead and be happy always.. 'she is also part of this conspiracy'.. I could clearly see that.. the journey continued and I continued to cry in arms of Margreet...
15.53- 16.51 1st letter
By now, I was happy to change the trains, as it meant, I would receive my next envelop.. and there it was.. this time, I received a beautiful, light hearted and yet thoughtful letter from my brother.. my brother has always been my biggest support.. he stood by me in every difficult situation and he was the one who encouraged me to take the necessary step last year.. he kept his word and he stood there rock-solid by my side.. in fact he also encouraged me to return to Europe.. this time, I did not cry as much but I had a constant smile on my face.. how does one feel when your younger brother who knows you so well writes a letter to you on such a special occasion?
15.53 -16.52 2nd Letter
Dutch trains often have problems and this is particularly true when the weather is bad or on weekend... we had to take one train extra.. it was not in our plan but as luck would have it, Margreet had one more letter waiting for me.. it was a poem.. and there was no name of the sender.. my eyes caught one word in the poem and I said to Margreet..'This is from Madhavi, How did you contact her in China?'... Gosh.. Margreet has really been up for a task..
Madhavi's words were so genuine and straight from heart, I have received many handwritten letters and poems from her since our medical school days.. I can feel Madhavi in each of her words... but her unconditional support went beyond words and poems.. she gave me a shelter in her house in China when I was falling apart in Mumbai in those early days.. She said, 'look I have two kids and my house is a mess but please come and stay with us.. a change of place will do you better and you have never been to China..'Ohh Madhavi.. you were with me then and you are with me now..
I was in thoughts of my friends and family from different parts of the world at the same time and they were reaching out to me through their own innovative ways through Margreet.. I felt showered in much love and affection.. I was speechless.. and I saw Margreet busy texting on phone.. yes of course, there were more surprises ahead of us.. we saw the Nemo through the train and she pulled out the next envelop..
Before entering Amsterdam..
This envelop was empty... may be that was part of the surprise.. we got off the train.. and I saw Katrine walking towards us on the platform.. I saw her but I could not believe it was her.. was I seeing a ghost?.. no it was Katrine... we hugged and I started crying again and thanking her for being there and she kept saying.. 'wait and watch.. this is just getting started..' and right at that moment.. our Chinese friends Peggy and Olivia came running towards us on the platform... big hugs followed, accompanied by laughter and joy...
Where in Amsterdam
Take tram 4 towards station Rai, get off at Fredreikspleine, walk through the park with a tree painted red and walk towards Utrechtstraat.. there you will find vegetarian restaurant 'de golden temple'..
Five of us followed the directions together... my friends know how much I love food... as we reached the restaurant... I saw Nuria hanging around on the street looking for someone.. I knew what was going on there.. they had mobilized all my friends in Amsterdam to meet at this place..
Nuria kept pretending that it was just a chance but we all knew it by then.. we settled in the cozy restaurant, had our tea and lassis.. hellos and catching up with each other.. and there walks in Anisha.. wowwww I kept wondering who else is coming in.. Nasima and Rhona arrived and we became a full house.. 9 lovely ladies in for a great feast...
We placed orders for food.. and my friends took over.. first came out a box, beautiful pink box.. they thought I need a box to put all those envelops and all other letters and cards which were coming my way.. they named it 'my good luck box'. Each girl brought out her card and little goodies they thought I would enjoy.. Anisha gave me a beautiful painting, painted by her.. a sea shore with rocks where a small daizy bloomed happily.. she said.. however rocky the situation may be around me, I have to remember my potential to bloom like this daizy.. Katrine gave me a card with bright sunflower and a small sticker to be ironed on my jacket or backpack.. all happy images and also funny.. my friends know I love flowers.. Peggy and Olivia gave me little pouch and a wooden seal to make my personalized stamp.. may be with my new name.. lovely.. Nasima gave me a little pebble with inscription 'friends for ever'.. Nuria was the messenger of Julia, Piet and Sjaak as well.. Julia and Piet sent me a card and beautiful little idol of Ganesha.. and Sjaak sent me a bottle of jam that he himself made with ruberb and strawberries.. he knows we both love that jam. The card he chose for me came from Poznan, in Poland and has a bronze statue of a man with a bicycle on it..'I chose this card for your love for the bicycle', the message read.. Nuria's card came from Bremen, a place where we traveled together in winter of 2009 and she gave me a pair of earnings with butterfly wings.. beautiful.. it also states that the butterflies were not killed for the purpose of making these ornaments.. I think they are the most unique earrings in my collection and it is true that I have been facinated by butterflies these days..
My box got full but more importantly my heart overflowed with joy and gratitude towards these special women..my friend Nasima called it 'a constellation of stars' the stars which are on move to and from different parts of the world but who come together and form meaningful shapes and structures.. the most important is gigantic support structures that we form..
The food came in and we ate it all.. we just loved it.. that was the only time we fell silent.. our Chinese friends tasted Indian food for the first time..I realized that it was me and Nasima who knew all the ladies present in the group and many women did not know each other that well.. that is when we started a new idea.. together we described each woman, the way we had met her, understood her and her unique qualities that we had noticed and experienced.. and that was a fabulous idea.. we had so many things to share and highlight about each other.. we were indeed stars but most of us felt that we were just ordinary people... that evening proved to us beyond doubts that there is extraordinary in each ordinary thing or a person. All we need is a perspective to feel the extraordinary facets.. the evening grew young.. the restaurant gave us space and freedom.. we spent about 4 hours there but soon we had to say goodbye..
Me and Margreet had the lonest travel home. Nasima was leaving for Bangladesh the very next morning.. Olivia burst into tears to say goodbye to all these friends she made in one evening and Peggy pondered..'have I ever made such special friends in my life?' Rhona responded, 'my dear quality and depth of friendship changes as we grow older. The things that mattered in the beginning, the competetion with fellow women doesnt matter anymore and we start appreciating friends just the way they are..' I thought that was the best words Peggy could have received in an answer.. so reassuring and comforting..
I am blessed with such lovely gang of friends.. I cant beleive that I had one or two friends max till the age of 23 .. I have been a slow starter but now, I feel it was totally worth it.. better late than never.. I wondered why am I blessed with such lovely friends... and my friends responded... 'are you kidding? Just look at you. we feel enriched to be here' 'you have great friends because of the way you are' 'oh we did nothing, mobilizing this party was such fun and easy because each person contacted bounced back with equal energy as they all wanted to be there for you..'
All I can say is thank you everyone .. for being there for me, spending your sunday evening to be with me, to prepare a good luck box for me .. I just have to open this box whenever I feel low and left out in life and all of you will spring out of the box.. It was this very same blog where I cried my lungs out last year.. when friends rejected me on facebook and I was almost an outcast for the circle of friends back home and it is one year and I am surrounded by much stronger bonds of friendship.. thank you, thank you, thank you very much...
Just before we left the restaurant, after series of hugs and kisses and goodbyes and wishes.. there came another envelop..
Planning last train home
Last train from Amsterdam to Groningen noord takes about 3 hours.. which meant we had ample time to reflect on.. just to let all the feelings and emotions sink in.. just feel happy and blessed.. we took the tram to the station.. if all train connection go as planned, we would be home by 1am. Both me and Margreet were visibly tired.. she had taken immense effort to plan this day... but she was happy...
Terugreis
Return journey in Dutch is called terug reis.. was it really a return journey for me? I think it was a new journey home.. yes I was coming home finally.. after feeling homeless in many ways for last one year.. where is my home? I am not referring to my home in Groningen Noord or for that matter in Mumbai.. I carry my home with me.. my home is my family of friends... friends across all age groups, all cultures and from across the globe.. some I meet in person and some keep shining the light of their love on me from the distance.. like madhavi shining from China... all my struggles and self doubt about my life altering decision vanished.. I finally made peace with myself and my life.. it was such an incredible feeling...
there she brings out yet another envelop... I open it with tears of joy.. I knew.. it was her letter.. the woman who did everything silently.. but with so much love and care.. she was speaking her heart to me through this last letter.. she thanked me for giving them all a chance to plan this day for me.. she thanked me for opening my world of friends in front of her.. she was happy to have interacted with my mother and brother and to have met all the special friends of mine in the Netherlands.. she oppologized for not being able to contact Leen in Leuven who gave me immense support in the winter last year.. I was speechless.. now I really started crying.. I hugged her and just kept saying thank you.. Thank you Margreet for all that you have done for me...
Special note:
The idea was conceptualized by Nasima and Margreet and they contacted all the friends who have been a great support for me in last one year.. I am extremely grateful to all of you (Margreet, Martha, Gerard, Josephine, Ilona, Nasima, prats, aai, Madhavi, Katrine, Olivia, Peggy, Nuria, Nasima, Rhona, Leen, Sjaak, Julia, Piet, Jan and all of you that are not listed here but are definitely in my thoughts.. you all have seen my roller coaster ride in last one year).. thanks a million for being there in so many ways for me...
The 'brave decision' that we celebrated this Sunday was to not get married when I was not ready for it. I wont discuss why I took that decision and how it must have hurt the people around me. I have apologized to everyone hurt in the process but do not know if I would ever be forgiven. On Sunday, I decided not to talk about that episode again but take the lessons learned with me for the life ahead..
This was a rather long but beautiful story of my 'Sunday with the stars..' This blog gave me a means of expression in those hard, gloomy days.. and I had to now share my happiness through the same blog.. we the gang of girls are planning something larger.. a sort of online community of friends.. who have supported us.. we want to share our stories and also the stories of special women we have met in our lives.. who continue to inspire us in different ways.. we are planning to be up and running by October this year.. so stay tuned..
The lady with the shell necklace who served our food in the restaurant has taken a lovely picture of the entire gang.. but I did not post it here.. friends, I hope you don't mind me using your first names in this blog. I did not want to change your names and nor did I want to write about M1, M2 M3 and R and K.. Please let me know if you disagree with me on using your first names..
Loads of love to you all...
I am off to Maastricht for yet another adventure this sunday and I will be back next week with more stories..
Till then take care...
Sunday, August 14, 2011
String of beads...
I have no good reasons to be dormant on this blog for yet another month. There were number on inspiring thoughts, events, meetings with people and experiences. It was just that I felt too lazy to write about it. But here I am again writing to you all from Amsterdam.
I have been living in Groningen for last 6 weeks and I love this city in the north of the Netherlands, cozy, comfortable and friendly.This university town has 190000 residents out of which 50000 are students. The students are mostly gone for it is summer holiday but soon the city will start buzzing with students again. I love my quite and peaceful life in groningen. I live in a silent residential neighborhood which has no shops. The city center is 10 minutes by bike and the huge public park is a stone throw away. I already feel connected with the fresh fruit and vegetable market, the neighbors and the city skyscape. The weather has not been great but that is the situation all across the country. This has been the wettest summer in years, rain everyday, dark gloomy sky and cold wind. But I am not at all depressed or low, instead I feel light like warm air. I am surrounded by friends and we cook great meals each day and then spend hours talking over the dinner table.. I have been having little adventures almost everyday and bouts of laughter on silly things. I cant imagine it is almost a year since that disastrous time in my personal life. I think I have found my old self back. Finally I have made peace with myself, all the guilt, pain and self-blame has gone away..
Yesterday I took a four hour train ride from Groningen to Alkmaar, to be at a friend's art gallery opening. It is always enriching to be surrounded by these special friends of mine in the Netherlands. Artists, painters, writers, copy editors, chefs and budding models.. I don't think I knew one in Mumbai, let alone being invited for such events. The art gallery going crowd looked so far out of my reach and here I am being one of them in a new country. I do not understand much in art, be it painting or music but I like being with people, all sorts of people, observe them and listen to them. What seems common in all of them is that they are not afraid to dream and to put their dreams in actions. They do not hold themselves back. Why is is that I am so afraid to dream? I always wanted to make some strokes of colour on a canvas. Now I have a friend who offered me the canvas, the paint and the paintbrushes. I could spoil one canvas without worrying too much about it but I do not have courage even to take the paintbrush in my hand. Why is it so? What is it that I am afraid of? Not being good enough? Not being gifted artist?Not wanting to waste a canvas? What is it that stops me when I have perfect opportunity? There is some kind of fear.. I feel it all the time. What I don't know is how to address that fear. how to take a step forward.
The other day, a friend of mine gave me a box of glass beads to make jewellery. 'Do what you like with this. Let the imagination flow..' I froze. I was happy to see the box coming out of nowhere. Was it not that I always wanted to try it out? Now I could. I expected myself to jump at the opportunity. Instead, I kept looking at the box and the beads. 'You don't know how to combine right colours. Look for similar beads. It should look symmetrical. No whatever you make will look ridiculously childish. Don't waste the beads and your time.' My mind started gushing out all the reasons why I should not give it a try. What would have happened if indeed my attempts turned out to be a disaster? The world was not going to fall apart nor was I going to incur huge losses. I was not going to harm anyone and what's wrong if my creation looks ridiculously childish? If I were a child, I am sure I would not have thought for a second before starting to make the string of beads, from one end of the living room to the other. Who cares about the colours, and harmony, symmetry and structure and child looks back at his/her own creation with great pride and satisfaction. When did I loose that ability in pursuit of growing into adult age? Can I get that ability back? Can I be a child again?
The box remained untouched for two days before I made an entry in my list of things to do. That's right! I have to make it to do list to be involved in some activity that could give me happiness. When anything gets on that list, I know it gets done and it did get done. After struggling with my overtly critical mind, i made a string of beads. I was far from satisfied with my work. The colours were not right, some beads looked so out of shape that they distorted the structure of the necklace. I lost my interest in it. I did not even tie the end-piece. I left it by the window, totally neglected and prematurely abandoned. We had a friend over for dinner the same evening. The necklace caught her eye and she seemed to love it. She gave me great compliments. I heard those words but could not feel it at all. I was so convinced that it is one of the stupidest things I have ever made. She could feel it in my voice and body language. I so wanted to feel good about her words of praise but I just could not. I offered her the necklace. 'She appreciated it more than I did. She will put it to a good use'. I thought to myself. She was happy to hear that and immediately tied it across her neck. The evening continued with food, conversations and sharing our life stories.. she kept touching her necklace with fingers whenever she was talking about something every emotional and personal. The evening light through the window started shining on her face and rays of light reflecting through the beads.. I must say I kept looking at her neck adorned with my necklace. It indeed look beautiful. She looked beautiful. Why was it that I could not see it that way before.. why was I so stubborn with the idea that it was no good...
I learned a valuable lesson.. it is important to appreciate myself, to love my abilities however poor they may be, to be able to do things without hesitation and self doubt as long as I was not harming others.. I have to really make conscious effort to love myself and my life. I don't need to be always critical of myself. It is ok to be not perfect, it is perfect to make mistakes and be like a child. It is essential to dream and not be afraid of dreaming... that is what I am trying these days.. and guess what this is the testimony.. I always thought that macbook is something from different planet as compared to my ordinary laptop.. I started with shaky hands working on this macbook.. at a friend's place in Amsterdam... and now I realize, it is not some rocket science. I still don't know how to use right-click on mac to correct the spelling but apart from that it all seems ok.. the important thing was to gather courage to work with unknown, work on unknown and work for unknown... sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.. but then I will try again.. someday I will get there...
Do you ever have any such fears and inhibitions that hold you back? What do you do to overcome those? I am eager to know your stories and also the solutions you devised.. so feel free to respond...
I have been living in Groningen for last 6 weeks and I love this city in the north of the Netherlands, cozy, comfortable and friendly.This university town has 190000 residents out of which 50000 are students. The students are mostly gone for it is summer holiday but soon the city will start buzzing with students again. I love my quite and peaceful life in groningen. I live in a silent residential neighborhood which has no shops. The city center is 10 minutes by bike and the huge public park is a stone throw away. I already feel connected with the fresh fruit and vegetable market, the neighbors and the city skyscape. The weather has not been great but that is the situation all across the country. This has been the wettest summer in years, rain everyday, dark gloomy sky and cold wind. But I am not at all depressed or low, instead I feel light like warm air. I am surrounded by friends and we cook great meals each day and then spend hours talking over the dinner table.. I have been having little adventures almost everyday and bouts of laughter on silly things. I cant imagine it is almost a year since that disastrous time in my personal life. I think I have found my old self back. Finally I have made peace with myself, all the guilt, pain and self-blame has gone away..
Yesterday I took a four hour train ride from Groningen to Alkmaar, to be at a friend's art gallery opening. It is always enriching to be surrounded by these special friends of mine in the Netherlands. Artists, painters, writers, copy editors, chefs and budding models.. I don't think I knew one in Mumbai, let alone being invited for such events. The art gallery going crowd looked so far out of my reach and here I am being one of them in a new country. I do not understand much in art, be it painting or music but I like being with people, all sorts of people, observe them and listen to them. What seems common in all of them is that they are not afraid to dream and to put their dreams in actions. They do not hold themselves back. Why is is that I am so afraid to dream? I always wanted to make some strokes of colour on a canvas. Now I have a friend who offered me the canvas, the paint and the paintbrushes. I could spoil one canvas without worrying too much about it but I do not have courage even to take the paintbrush in my hand. Why is it so? What is it that I am afraid of? Not being good enough? Not being gifted artist?Not wanting to waste a canvas? What is it that stops me when I have perfect opportunity? There is some kind of fear.. I feel it all the time. What I don't know is how to address that fear. how to take a step forward.
The other day, a friend of mine gave me a box of glass beads to make jewellery. 'Do what you like with this. Let the imagination flow..' I froze. I was happy to see the box coming out of nowhere. Was it not that I always wanted to try it out? Now I could. I expected myself to jump at the opportunity. Instead, I kept looking at the box and the beads. 'You don't know how to combine right colours. Look for similar beads. It should look symmetrical. No whatever you make will look ridiculously childish. Don't waste the beads and your time.' My mind started gushing out all the reasons why I should not give it a try. What would have happened if indeed my attempts turned out to be a disaster? The world was not going to fall apart nor was I going to incur huge losses. I was not going to harm anyone and what's wrong if my creation looks ridiculously childish? If I were a child, I am sure I would not have thought for a second before starting to make the string of beads, from one end of the living room to the other. Who cares about the colours, and harmony, symmetry and structure and child looks back at his/her own creation with great pride and satisfaction. When did I loose that ability in pursuit of growing into adult age? Can I get that ability back? Can I be a child again?
The box remained untouched for two days before I made an entry in my list of things to do. That's right! I have to make it to do list to be involved in some activity that could give me happiness. When anything gets on that list, I know it gets done and it did get done. After struggling with my overtly critical mind, i made a string of beads. I was far from satisfied with my work. The colours were not right, some beads looked so out of shape that they distorted the structure of the necklace. I lost my interest in it. I did not even tie the end-piece. I left it by the window, totally neglected and prematurely abandoned. We had a friend over for dinner the same evening. The necklace caught her eye and she seemed to love it. She gave me great compliments. I heard those words but could not feel it at all. I was so convinced that it is one of the stupidest things I have ever made. She could feel it in my voice and body language. I so wanted to feel good about her words of praise but I just could not. I offered her the necklace. 'She appreciated it more than I did. She will put it to a good use'. I thought to myself. She was happy to hear that and immediately tied it across her neck. The evening continued with food, conversations and sharing our life stories.. she kept touching her necklace with fingers whenever she was talking about something every emotional and personal. The evening light through the window started shining on her face and rays of light reflecting through the beads.. I must say I kept looking at her neck adorned with my necklace. It indeed look beautiful. She looked beautiful. Why was it that I could not see it that way before.. why was I so stubborn with the idea that it was no good...
I learned a valuable lesson.. it is important to appreciate myself, to love my abilities however poor they may be, to be able to do things without hesitation and self doubt as long as I was not harming others.. I have to really make conscious effort to love myself and my life. I don't need to be always critical of myself. It is ok to be not perfect, it is perfect to make mistakes and be like a child. It is essential to dream and not be afraid of dreaming... that is what I am trying these days.. and guess what this is the testimony.. I always thought that macbook is something from different planet as compared to my ordinary laptop.. I started with shaky hands working on this macbook.. at a friend's place in Amsterdam... and now I realize, it is not some rocket science. I still don't know how to use right-click on mac to correct the spelling but apart from that it all seems ok.. the important thing was to gather courage to work with unknown, work on unknown and work for unknown... sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.. but then I will try again.. someday I will get there...
Do you ever have any such fears and inhibitions that hold you back? What do you do to overcome those? I am eager to know your stories and also the solutions you devised.. so feel free to respond...
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Well done Abba!!
Yet another fun day!! flirtatious sunshine and juicy lemon slices, cleaning the house and little bit of work but the best time of the day was the movie time with chocolate chip ice creme. I watched 'Well done Abba!', subtle comedy by no other than Shyam Benegal.
Armaan Ali, a middle aged common man speaking strong Andhra flavoured Hindi and working in Mumbai as a personal driver of a rich business fellow. Armaan Ali never went to school. On his return to the native village 'cheekatpalli' he finds himself in a bizzare situation. He realizes how all the schemes for the poor in the country are misused by the politicians and corrupt government machinary. With the help of his college going daughter Muskaan and using 'right to information act' he finds his voice and right as an ordinary citizen.
The movie is a political satire on corruption in Indian society. The humor of the script and the story line is such that anyone who has experienced this side of Indian life could easily relate to it. The movie also evoked the memories of yet another film, 'Khosla ka Ghosala' set in Delhi and surrounding areas and exposing the fake housing and land schemes. No wonder the movie won the national award for the best film on social issue for the year 2009. Boman Irani's Armaan Ali was indeed a performance to watch and he was very well supported by all the other actors. The music of the movie slowly grows on you. Comedy can be effective tool to make the viewers reflect on how we all are responsible for the corruption. I think the movie delivers this message quite successfully. But what I enjoyed the most is that strong Andhra falour in the dialogues, it took me back to those days when I travelled into the interiors of Andhra for work, visiting clinics and talking to men and women. The word garu is so familiar, a respectful way of addressing someone like an elder brother and amma, similar way of addressing the women. My male colleagues were always addressed with their name followed by garu but I don't remember, I being called Priyamma.
It was a fun movie and I would definitely recommend it to those who appreciate and enjoy cinema. I wish one day, I can use film to express myself, may be simple but still powerful like the one I just watched. Yet another dream to my already long list of things on the bucket list.. here is the link for the movie for those who are interested.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Well_Done_Abba
Have a lovely week ahead!! I am off to Nijmegen, the city that I left three months ago and I am looking forward to it. More stories from my side on Tuesday.. till then have fun and keep smiling...
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