Off into silence retreat for 10 days

I have been silent for many days now but I am alive and kicking. It was first the exams then move to Holland, Catching up with friends in Amsterdam completely disrupted by the snow, a couple of bad falls on the slow, it was all my mistake, over excitement of the white snow covered land and not wearing proper shoes/boots.. but now I feel much better and in fact I am embarking on yet another adventure.. something that I have never done before and I feel this is the best way to say goodbye to 2010 and welcome the year ahead with new found self..

I leave in 30 minutes for a small place in the woods near Armersfort for 10 days meditation. No cel phones, no internet, disciplined life that starts from 4am and ends at 9.30. Turning the mind inwards and resolving all the conflicts. I do not know how I will be in this program but I am really inspired and curious to be part of this. This is going to be an experience of life time but I am not even allowed to have a pen and paper to make notes about the days. I have to fully experience this state of being and i may write about it later..

so to all my readers warm holiday greetings from the snow covered amsterdam.. see you all in the new year..

Chao

Action

December 13 – Action When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?

Exactly a year ago I started this blog in the memory of my father. The blog and writing has kept me great company throughout the year. I realize that sometimes writing has effects similar to therapy on me. I am feeling much better and in control even though there are issues that are still not addressed. I am looking forward to the life ahead and that is already an action and not just the idea or inspiration.

I received valuable feedback on my research proposal this morning. My proposal is well received and I feel motivated to go about it. My informal efforts around conducting the research might start on the new year's party. I have a couple of interviews lined up thanks to great friends in Amsterdam. The three months in Nijmegen are going to be crucial for my data collection but i am confident that with systematic planning, i will be able to manage the ongoing course work and conducting interviews. I plan to cut down the hours I spend on the internet, that aimless surfing which leads to nothing.. I have realized that if i do not have my mail box open while working, I work much better with less distractions. Otherwise, every time a new mail pops in, I tend to get distracted. A simple thing like not having some sites book marked has also helped. The social networking sites, some news sites, if i have to type in the web address, i found out, i do not feel that eager to do it. So 2day I have removed all such book marked pages that I really do not need to see. I am planning my days better. my list of things to do is now organized in groups of activities that can be carried out together and thus will be more efficient.

I want to be more outgoing, taking initiative to talk to people, to learn some networking skills. I understand that as long as i let the others speak, it is not all that bad to approach people. I am scared to start a conversation with people especially with those that i hardly know and even worse with those that I do not know. So i hang around only with people that I know and soon realize that I have nothing new to talk to them about. This new year's party at a friend's place, i aim to talk to at least 5 new people that I have never met before. In fact on 17th of this month, I am attending another party for opening of art exhibition by my painter friend. I might start with 2 or 3 people there itself. Someone, recently told me, if u do not speak up, no one is going to make efforts to read your mind. It is ok to approach people in a culturally appropriate way and either you would click with them in conversations or u wont but at least you would have made efforts rather than standing in a corner and feeling bored.

I plan to read a lot in coming months, my course related readers, readings for the thesis, and other interesting books and articles. It almost feels like a little adventure now to read an article looking for a central theme and making sure i got it right by confirming with the others. On my train ride from Leiden to Leuven yesterday, I read a nice article on ethical challenges in conducting research in non western contexts. The article was written in a very simple language and the reality described in there was almost similar to what we face back home, so it was easy to relate to it. For the first time, I also felt that I could write a similar article (not on the same topic) but in a similar simple language and building on my personal experience and that was an empowering feeling indeed. Reading and writing are the two areas that I am going to concentrate on in coming months.

Back to philosophical theories now, I have an exam on Wednesday and slowly there seem to be some threads of comfort between me, Levinas, Lacan and Gaita. But we have a long way to go to make meaningful bonds.

Body Integration

Body Integration This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

This is definitely not an easy one. I never feel like one cohesive unit of body and mind. For me, these two are always running in opposite direction. hmmmm this reverb 10 is getting tougher each day.. is this the serious reflection we are expected to do as the year 2010 gives birth to the year ahead?

I can think of two moments in the entire year when I felt 'one'. The two situations are so unlike the other. One was when I had magic mushrooms and that effect lasted almost for an hour. Conflict-free oneness of the body and mind with the psychodelic effects of the mushrooms. The other one came on the beginning of zen meditation but it barely lasted for a minute or even less. It felt wonderful and it kept me motivated to keep practicing it. I must be honest though, I never had that feeling again. It felt as if it was a 'promotion' offer on that particular day to have me in, knowing very well that this is the only way I will continue my inward search... through Zen meditation

Ohhh no.. that is not true.. I had just this moment yesterday evening, biking towards the lake in a small country side village near Leiden. The evening was setting in, the birds were returning home, there were geese and the storks. They were flying in such a disciplined and organized structures, the atmosphere was serene and calm and I could hear the clutter of the wings of hundreds of birds flying above my head as I was biking though the small lanes of the countryside. The lake was beautiful, there was a little island in the middle with a little house on it. The house is aptly called 'oneness', it is a literal meaning of the original dutch name "eenzaamheid" but it meant, 'being alone' Now I can think of that tiny house on the island as 'oneness' in truest sense. Being one with the self, the island, the lake, the sky. Is this not what we are talking about. Being integrated, being one. There were no human beings around, the wind was bringing in the sound of the traffic from Leiden, there were 4 traditional windmills that we could see around us. On Saturdays, for touristic reasons, they allow the traditional windmills to work on the wind. For the first time, in my life, I had a closer view of the windmill, I could peep through the closed window, I could see the wheel pulling out water from the polder into the canals. What a beautiful mechanism, again being one, the wind and the water.. integrated keeping the water levels in control. We sat by the lake, I was all ears just listening to the beautiful music of waves of the lake. The wind and the water again.. wind producing waves and waves splashing to the shore.. creating this magnificent melody of life. Just like the wind and the water, my body and mind were one, even though it was for a short while.. we walked and walked and we talked.. our footsteps were enough to alert the birds and they took off together creating again a huge clutter of the wings against the wind.. another kind of music got created. The evening grew dark, the sky displayed beautiful colors and shapes.. the windmills created magical moments on the backdrop of horizon... there was oneness in every aspect of life there.. there was silence and the silence sometimes turned into music... for the souls who could appreciate it.

We could see little moon in the sky.. we biked home without the lights on our bike, depending on our senses just not to have a fall. We could not see much and our eyes and the body had to be one to bike home.. it was beautiful how our senses concentrate without a slightest distraction in such moments... we were home and the old 'grandfather's clock' struck six. The evening grew even darker and colder over delicious pumpkin soup and some more interesting conversations.. late into night when I went to bed, I had a window opening to the sky, through which i could see the stars making an entry on this huge stage of the sky.. I had never seen something like that before.. falling asleep with a blanket of clouds and stars.. i wish I had better eyesight as it was impossible to feel them without my glasses on. My body and mind at that moment, could not be one without the assistance of a pair of glasses.. the wind brought in the beats of music from nearby house.. the fluffy clouds were floating by and I kept trying to see the stars without my glasses on.. at some point, I surrendered to sleep... and turned into another beautiful experience of oneness of my body and mind..

Wisdom

December 10 – Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

This year has not been really an year of wisdom, in fact it was year of making mistakes after mistakes and finding myself in deep trouble. I could argue that I learned my lessons from each of those mistakes and then made a few other mistake so in a way i gathered a lot of wisdom but that is too simplistic way of looking at it.

I think the wisest decision I made was to take a pause and ask myself what do I really want to do with my life? The trouble was that this pause came at a very tricky moment in time but still it was essential. If I would not have taken that pause, my life story would have been completely different, it could also have been for good but I dont think I was ready for that goodness ahead in time. I had not understood the value of that goodness. I needed time to learn to respect and value what I have been given by the loved ones and by the life.

I stopped and i started reflecting on my life. I almost took a count of all those years, the things achieved, the failures and the success stories, the meaningful relationships formed and friends and family members who were left behind. For a while, I did nothing but allowed the reality around me to sink into me. It was essential to face the facts around me and about me. This confrontation with the self was needed. The restful moment was critical to see where I was heading and I felt I was heading towards total burn out. I have been neglecting those warning symptoms for way too long. I was training NGO staff on how to protect themselves against burn out. How could I not see it engulfing me slowly over years? Finally it hit me hard and I was turned into nothingness. I needed to set realistic goals and expectations for my life.

I did my SWOT analysis, I applied those self help techniques for my own life. I wrote my thoughts out like a mad woman, almost letting all the internal storms out on paper and I spent hours together looking at that mess that I had made of my life, in my efforts to overdo and over improvise everything. The most humbling realization was that I needed serious help to get out of the troubles and I accepted that I needed help. I found that help amongst my friends and family. I decided to take things slowly. I decided to make effort to relax. I decided to start walking again at slow but constant pace and that was the wisest thing I did. Last 11 weeks have been those little steps towards rediscovering my lost sense of self. Meditation, writing a blog, being in new place, making new friends and challenging myself with philosophical theories, it all had its own little effects. Slowly I have started getting little better sleep. My appetite for food and life is returning slowly. My attention span is improving and I feel I am able to take things in much lighter way than ever before. There are still moments that come in unannounced when i feel panicky, restless, helpless and lost but i accept those moments rather than fighting them back and I have learned that sometimes things unfold in their own course of time and they do get taken care of. That has been a valuable lesson indeed but totally worth it. I hope to continue my journey on this path and may be the year ahead will bring in new wisdom and new light.

Party

December 9 – Party Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

Of all the posts up till now, this one is the most difficult. I am not a party person at all. I stay as far away from parties as possible. Forget about the year 2010, I dont have example of one social gathering that I thoroughly enjoyed in all my adult life. Another insight into 'being me' for sure.

I tried hard to remember, any form of social gathering, may it be in my high school, amongst friends, in medical school, at work.. I have never been in a fun party. First of all I try and avoid going to the parties as I invariably end in a corner where I can hide myself. I feel very conscious of my lack of socializing skills. I do not know how to start talking with strangers and I think even bigger trouble is how to talk about something light, funny and casual. I have terrible sense of humour,most of the time I dont get the jokes at all. if there is a loud music in the party, it makes it even worse. I can barely hear others talking and that makes conversations harder. I have been caught yawning in some corner in parties on pictures by my friends. I can not dance, that is another difficulty. I am not at all confident and want to disappear somewhere or go invisible.My party discomforts are so well known in my social circle that these days I hardly get invites.

May be this should change in the year ahead. I want to experience this party life. I have had friends in Mumbai, who partied 5 nights a week. It is quite funny but I have never experienced night life in Mumbai even though I spent 23 years of my life in this city. It is time to catch up. I have not seen the night life of Amsterdam either. I am not a night person. I prefer to stay at home with a book or just have a friend or two over for dinner or drink and that is my idea of a nice evening. I need to explore this aspect of life before rejecting it completely. 2011 will be a big party time for me and it starts from the new year's eve. I will be with my very close friends in Amsterdam bringing in the new year..

Where is the party tonite?

Beautifully different

Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

This morning when I read the prompt of the day, I smiled at myself. That was a very special and meaningful smile reminding me how badly I needed to reflect on my personality being different and learn to see and accept the beauty that lies hidden under those differences. Thank you for this prompt. Last few months, I have been extremely hard on myself for not being able to achieve an important transition of human life. Marriage. I felt I lacked something that was very important to be like all other girlfriends of mine, who are married and are raising children and balancing the professional and personal life so beautifully. I know their life is tough but I also want to have that family life and balance it with my work. I still want to experience the feeling of being with someone and raising a family with him. But when I grew cold feet at the most decisive moment, I nosedived into hopelessness, nothingness and self-doubt.

So starting with that, my first difference is that I am single at 31 because i did not feel confident to get married. In marriage context back home, the best description for me will be highly qualified, career oriented, self made over aged woman. I am ambitious, I know what I want in life. I have clear boundaries when and to what extent I can compromise but when I need to put my foot down and stand by what I believe even if it means that I might be left alone guarding my position. Power or money can not buy my loyalty. I am not afraid to raise my voice. I have strong opinions about most of the things but I am open to discuss and argue and I do change my opinion if one can convince me theirs is better argument than mine.

I am fiercely independent and I have been so since my childhood. I have accomplished many things that could be seen as a big milestones but with each step up, I find myself increasingly lonely and isolated. I am passionate about my work which has primarily been in Public Health. I have traveled to so many places for work against travel advisories and rules. I have survived curphews and social unrest in my work life in northeast of India but these challenges made me want to do it even more. I wanted to face it head on as I could not see how we can turn a blind eye to the suffering of our fellow beings. I dream of working in Afghanistan and as a school friend of mine once said, 'I sniff for dangerous places to be in and then I make sure I get to work there'.

I do not fuss about how I look, how I dress. I am not into elaborate romantic dates or fancy restaurants but one to one conversation about something thought provoking is enough for me to feel alive. I easily get bored in artificial environments. I cant put fake smile and pretend i am happy. My face reveals how I feel so easily that sometimes I get in deep trouble. I do not have champaign tastes. I am happy with simple vegetarian food and in fact fancy places make me a bit uncomfortable as I feel I am a misfit there.

I hate money being wasted under whatever justification, I cant stand double standards. I do not like people who use words without meaning even one single word out of it, whether on political level or personal level. I can talk passionately about many aspects of my work life about HIV, sexuality, female foeticide, inequality in access to health care and gender differences which are present all around me. I am not a radical activist but I do feel that sometimes activism is required to bring out a change.

I love travelling and when I travel I try and mingle with the local life. I absorb as much of the place and the people as I can. I have not been in one place for last eight years. The fact that I am constantly on move gives me a reason to live, explore and experience life. Idea of travelling to polar regions or Bolivian altiplano can literally infuse me with new energy for life. I am a crazy dreamer and I have made most of my dreams come true. The trouble is, ten more dreams are conceived in my mind as i fulfill one and there goes the gypsy all over again.

Wherever I go, I make wonderful friends in all age groups but I get along best with people much older to me. My friends are my biggest strengths and I go out of my ways to be with them in toughest times. As a friend, one would hardly expect me to be by their side in the happy moments, but I am always there when they are in the rough waters. My friends can totally depend on me. Their secrets are protected with all my might.

I am passionate about movies and I dream of being a movie maker someday and these dreams are endless. I want to be so many different things, be in so many different place in the same life that sometime my life tires out people around me. I try and organize every aspect of my life, I am a bit obsessed about doing everything perfectly and efficiently. I dont accept 'this is our culture/tradition' justification for everything that you dont want to change.

I value financial stability and good financial planning. I prefer honest and open communication rather than nodding head in agreement when you dont really believe in it. I find myself in a tricky situation, if people around me are reluctant to make certain difficult decisions or to take a crucial stand. I cant completely accept 'why care about tomorrow, lets fully live in today' approach to life. I beleive nothing comes your way just because you deserve it but you have to work towards it. That is when I got my second nick name.. 'control freak/ obsessive planner'. Well, if one can convince me that things will automatically fall in right place without you doing anything about it, I am curious to understand that point of view.

I have a brilliant smile, I think my smile can really light up the life around me. Trouble is I need to feel completely at peace and only then I can experience and express that dazzling smile. My friends who have experienced those moments will vouch for this. I have child like excitement and curiosity about life. I do not like any limits put on to me by the others or being restricted or treated differently just because i am a woman in both professional and personal life. I want to try different things even when there may not seem any immediate relevance and I want to learn all my life. These days I am called a 'professional student'.

These are my differences to which many got attracted over last few years but none could completely accept this 'beautifully different' me. In fact the same differences to which they got attracted in first place became my biggest faults later on. She is too strong, too independent, it is hard to live with someone like that. The question for me now is, do I want to give away these differences which actually make me who I am just so that someone will accept me (i hardly will be real me then) or I should remain 'beautifully different' even if it means being unattached most of the times. I hope there is a middle answer somewhere just like my hope that someday i will find a way to strike a balance between meaningful work and raising a healthy family.

Thats me 'beautifully different' sowing seeds to yet another dream.......

Community

Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

I transitioned through 3 real communities in the year 2010 and I think I will be again transitioning through 3 yet another communities in 2011. The year 2010 also showed me how virtual communities can outcast you when you make a mistake. This is how my story goes.

From January to August 2010, I was integral part of student community at University of Amsterdam. To define my community or probably what could be called a little family, it was my class at AMMA, the medical anthropology program that we were part of. 15 of us, 11 nationalities, 4 continents and many more subcultures within us and we were studying anthropology in one of the most ethnically diverse cities in the world, Amsterdam. If I remember correctly, I read that persons from 139 different nationalities live in this city. Life in this community was extremely comfortable, warm, accepting and friendly in spite of all the stress of student life.

August and September, I was back in India, amidst my family and about to merge with other family through matrimony. But when things did not go as planned, I was to experience what it means to threaten the norms of community and society and the the aftereffects of it. The same happened with the online community, like facebook. Suddenly there was a wave of 'block/remove' this person from friends list campaign and the members of 'our common' community shrunk in number almost overnight. One actually wonders, how social networking sites and online communities do have a powerful way of telling you 'you are not required in their life any more'. The friends suddenly cease to be your friends as if you never existed and it is just a click of mouse but can have same effect as being ostracized in real community life. I realized borders between the real and virtual communities are very unclear and same is the distinction between the communities you are born and raised within and communities that you create around you or become part of.

From October onwards, I am in this tiny student town in Belgium, surrounded by fellow classmates from diverse nationalities. This is my current community which has brought out some healing effect on my emotional wounds. How can I forget the community of 'Gray Lotuses' at my meditation center, now we also have some lotus buds in this community but all these guys made life so much livable. All the warmth and care they showed to me is beyond words and may be that is why it hurts so much that the next Tuesday will be my last day with these gray lotuses. Beginning of the new year, i will be transitioning into a new community in Nijmegen and then yet another transition in Padova.

Wonder what community means to me. It is a group of people where I feel comfortable and at peace. Where I can be who I am, express my joys and fears, sorrows and concerns. Where I could laugh with the others and I could also cry. Why is it that I find it easy to connect with people who are complete strangers to me but fail to do so within my inner circles of the family. Why i share my secrets and worries with friends who could be from absolutely different culture and outlook but not with a cousin or some aunt? Why I feel so isolated within my extended family but I am completely integrated into these transitory communities. I do not know the answer. May be it is about difference. Being with people with such diverse backgrounds allows me to fit with them in some strange ways. I do not have to be like the others as it is impossible to be like the others but you loose that privilege in your own socio-cultural setting. May be more stringent norms apply to you when you are in your home land and that is not the case when you are out of it. It probably is also easy to walk out of communities that you by choice became part of but may not be so for the communities in which you are born and raised.

I am also slowly becoming part of this new found 'blogger's community'. I read their blogs and smile as i see those recurring themes in the writing. It makes no difference where you are from and what you do but it seems all of us who are blogging, we feel this intense need to share our lives, thoughts, joys, worries and fears with some 'stranger' in this world wide web who actually might know you better just through your words. You start to pick up, their likes and dislikes and what makes them happy and what their struggles are. yet another form of community, quite scattered but still intricately connected to each other through those 'webs of significance'.

One thing is for sure, I was wrong when I thought I could be happy on my own without much social/communal backing. Over years I have understood, I need much more communal support to redefine myself and grow in the process but what is flexible here is the kind of community I need to be part of. The community which is open, accommodative, challenging, encouraging, stimulating at the same time giving me a strong sense of belonging. In short, it has to be a community that I choose to be part of and not one where I am expected to belong. I must say, I have been lucky to always have some sort of 'community' standing by my side even in worst of times and I am grateful for their support.