I want to better understand her. I need to bridge the rift which has developed between us over the past few years. She is the one whom I owe my being. She made me who I am, she shaped my life and my personality. But at some point in time, I outgrew her expectations and she started struggling to cope with the rapid change in my thoughts, ideology and pace of life, particularly my focussed attention on career.
Yes I am talking about my mother and I am referring to the most delicate but complicated relationship between the mother and the daughter. She will turn 60 in six months time. 60 is not really old age for most Western world but in India, 60 is when you start getting the benefits of being a 'senior citizen'. I always believed that our age is what we feel and to my dismay my mother has given up to this wonder figure of 60 as an impending gradual loss of physical and mental abilities. Everyday she gets shaky when she experiences her 'failing' abilities. Sometimes its mental confusion or sometimes it is lack of grip in her fingers that makes it hard for her to write. She always loved writing. She has been such a story teller. She inspired me to write and my story telling skills I owe to her.
I did not imagine my mother to go so weak at 60s. I think I envisioned her as this strong woman who would now live every moment and make all those unfulfilled personal dreams a reality. Like many other Indian women, she sacrificed all her dreams due to family responsibilities, or financial constraints and most importantly for us.. so that we could have brilliant educational opportunities. I wanted her to live for herself after her retirement... travel around the world, read what she likes, write about her life, develop a balcony garden.. i wanted her to do things that give meaning to her life and in the process give her joy, happiness and sense of personal achievement.
She served in a government hospital for 38 years and her pension is going to support her all her life. She is not dependent on me financially but she is extremely dependent on me for emotional support.. this is precisely what is the root cause of our conflict.. she wants me to be with her in physical proximity and care for her, not so much physical care but give her a patient ear, listen to her worries, concerns, problems and sometimes her happiness too.. according to her, her expectations are not only realistic but they are also things that she deserves.. rather she has earned that care through her decades of hard work of raising us..
I am not denying it.. but what do I do if my ideas of meaningful life take me away from home, away from her..I refused to marry, she took it as her personal failure in my upbringing. I started living as away from her as I could and she understood it in terms of 'we not needing her anymore'. She still worries a lot about what the society will say about any of her personal choices and I say ' I dont care about the views of society as long as I take full responsibility of my choices and I do not harm the others as a consequence of my choices'. When we are together, we only fight and argue and to be honest those arguments end up being emotional battles and floods of tears.. the distance between us is more than geographical.. we are moving apart from each other emotionally at the speed of light.. I dread calling her, sometimes I avoid calling her just because i am not prepared to listen to her constant stream of complaints and dissatisfaction towards life.I find it so uncomfortable when we reach these silent zones in our phone conversation.. i do not know what to say next and that silence and inability to continue the conversation scares me.... When did I become so cold towards the woman who gave me birth and made me who I am. I failed her in few occasions, I could not stand up to her expectations. I am not denying it but I also feel that she failed my expectation that my mother if not anyone else will always make efforts to understand me...
Did I expect too much out of her? Did I make ambitious plans for her retired life which were never hers but projections of my dreams on her life? When we were kids, we often heard that parents impose their ideas and dreams on their kid's professional and vocational choices.. am I doing the same mistake? But it always seemed as if she enjoyed writing, reading and travelling.. was I wrong in thinking that way...? Am I underestimating the impact of old age on the physical and emotional abilities and coping mechanisms of a person? May be her ideas of beautiful old age were ...'her married daughter will visit her once in a while, she will be involved in her daughter's pregnancy.. she will be actively involved in raising the grandkids...and so on'. I took away this possibility from her... by refusing to marry, I took away a sense of meaning from her life, the way she had imagined it...
But am I not suppose to be honest to my own callings, fears, dreams and aspirations? I am caught up badly in the responsibility towards her and towards myself. For myself, I want the sense of freedom, freedom to make choices about my life like relationships, marriage, childbirth, career and so on.. I feel it is important that I listen to my inner voice and follow my heart.. I am also responsible rather obliged (according to Indian culture) to 'care' for my mother. But there is a conflict of interest here.. How do I solve this dilemma? How do I make a right choice here.. If I go back to India and try and care for her, I know I will be unhappy and angry at myself for not doing what I really want to do.. if I decide to go by my own callings and stay away from India, I might have bright career possibilities but this guilt that I left my mother alone in pain, aching for my physical and emotional companionship... i left her alone to die..... it will be even harder to forgive myself. For me, both these situations are extremely painful and I dont know what is the way out....
I have said this before... whenever I have a dilemma about existential life issue.. I feel the need to do a scholarly research.. I did the same when I was about to get married and the we all have seen the impact of that research.. now with my relationship with my mother becoming difficult each day,I am almost determined to understand old age from the perspective of all those Indian middle class parents, both married and widowed.. who are left behind in India.. they are financially stable.. their children are abroad.. well settled.. these parents make foreign trips almost every year or once in two years.. they are also quite healthy... they have everything but the actual company of their children and grandchildren...how do they perceive this life of theirs? Are they happy about it? What are their fears and worries? What helps them cope with this loneliness if they ever find themselves lonely? What could we (the children) do to help our parents age successfully and still retain quality and meaning in life? It all boils down to my personal moral dilemma.. what could I do to help my mother and also help myself in the process.. just taking this issue beyond my personal life and applying to a larger universe..
I am sure my mother is not the only one suffering.. there are many like her out there just the way there are many like me.. does anyone have any suggestions for me to strengthen my relationship with my mother? I am more than willing to listen to the perspective from the elderly.. their stories.. is it just an intergenerational conflict or something more than that... I really hope to find these answers in years to come and I hope I am not too late.. I would like to see the difference in our relationship while my mother is still alive.. can anyone help me on this?
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