I have no good reasons to be dormant on this blog for yet another month. There were number on inspiring thoughts, events, meetings with people and experiences. It was just that I felt too lazy to write about it. But here I am again writing to you all from Amsterdam.
I have been living in Groningen for last 6 weeks and I love this city in the north of the Netherlands, cozy, comfortable and friendly.This university town has 190000 residents out of which 50000 are students. The students are mostly gone for it is summer holiday but soon the city will start buzzing with students again. I love my quite and peaceful life in groningen. I live in a silent residential neighborhood which has no shops. The city center is 10 minutes by bike and the huge public park is a stone throw away. I already feel connected with the fresh fruit and vegetable market, the neighbors and the city skyscape. The weather has not been great but that is the situation all across the country. This has been the wettest summer in years, rain everyday, dark gloomy sky and cold wind. But I am not at all depressed or low, instead I feel light like warm air. I am surrounded by friends and we cook great meals each day and then spend hours talking over the dinner table.. I have been having little adventures almost everyday and bouts of laughter on silly things. I cant imagine it is almost a year since that disastrous time in my personal life. I think I have found my old self back. Finally I have made peace with myself, all the guilt, pain and self-blame has gone away..
Yesterday I took a four hour train ride from Groningen to Alkmaar, to be at a friend's art gallery opening. It is always enriching to be surrounded by these special friends of mine in the Netherlands. Artists, painters, writers, copy editors, chefs and budding models.. I don't think I knew one in Mumbai, let alone being invited for such events. The art gallery going crowd looked so far out of my reach and here I am being one of them in a new country. I do not understand much in art, be it painting or music but I like being with people, all sorts of people, observe them and listen to them. What seems common in all of them is that they are not afraid to dream and to put their dreams in actions. They do not hold themselves back. Why is is that I am so afraid to dream? I always wanted to make some strokes of colour on a canvas. Now I have a friend who offered me the canvas, the paint and the paintbrushes. I could spoil one canvas without worrying too much about it but I do not have courage even to take the paintbrush in my hand. Why is it so? What is it that I am afraid of? Not being good enough? Not being gifted artist?Not wanting to waste a canvas? What is it that stops me when I have perfect opportunity? There is some kind of fear.. I feel it all the time. What I don't know is how to address that fear. how to take a step forward.
The other day, a friend of mine gave me a box of glass beads to make jewellery. 'Do what you like with this. Let the imagination flow..' I froze. I was happy to see the box coming out of nowhere. Was it not that I always wanted to try it out? Now I could. I expected myself to jump at the opportunity. Instead, I kept looking at the box and the beads. 'You don't know how to combine right colours. Look for similar beads. It should look symmetrical. No whatever you make will look ridiculously childish. Don't waste the beads and your time.' My mind started gushing out all the reasons why I should not give it a try. What would have happened if indeed my attempts turned out to be a disaster? The world was not going to fall apart nor was I going to incur huge losses. I was not going to harm anyone and what's wrong if my creation looks ridiculously childish? If I were a child, I am sure I would not have thought for a second before starting to make the string of beads, from one end of the living room to the other. Who cares about the colours, and harmony, symmetry and structure and child looks back at his/her own creation with great pride and satisfaction. When did I loose that ability in pursuit of growing into adult age? Can I get that ability back? Can I be a child again?
The box remained untouched for two days before I made an entry in my list of things to do. That's right! I have to make it to do list to be involved in some activity that could give me happiness. When anything gets on that list, I know it gets done and it did get done. After struggling with my overtly critical mind, i made a string of beads. I was far from satisfied with my work. The colours were not right, some beads looked so out of shape that they distorted the structure of the necklace. I lost my interest in it. I did not even tie the end-piece. I left it by the window, totally neglected and prematurely abandoned. We had a friend over for dinner the same evening. The necklace caught her eye and she seemed to love it. She gave me great compliments. I heard those words but could not feel it at all. I was so convinced that it is one of the stupidest things I have ever made. She could feel it in my voice and body language. I so wanted to feel good about her words of praise but I just could not. I offered her the necklace. 'She appreciated it more than I did. She will put it to a good use'. I thought to myself. She was happy to hear that and immediately tied it across her neck. The evening continued with food, conversations and sharing our life stories.. she kept touching her necklace with fingers whenever she was talking about something every emotional and personal. The evening light through the window started shining on her face and rays of light reflecting through the beads.. I must say I kept looking at her neck adorned with my necklace. It indeed look beautiful. She looked beautiful. Why was it that I could not see it that way before.. why was I so stubborn with the idea that it was no good...
I learned a valuable lesson.. it is important to appreciate myself, to love my abilities however poor they may be, to be able to do things without hesitation and self doubt as long as I was not harming others.. I have to really make conscious effort to love myself and my life. I don't need to be always critical of myself. It is ok to be not perfect, it is perfect to make mistakes and be like a child. It is essential to dream and not be afraid of dreaming... that is what I am trying these days.. and guess what this is the testimony.. I always thought that macbook is something from different planet as compared to my ordinary laptop.. I started with shaky hands working on this macbook.. at a friend's place in Amsterdam... and now I realize, it is not some rocket science. I still don't know how to use right-click on mac to correct the spelling but apart from that it all seems ok.. the important thing was to gather courage to work with unknown, work on unknown and work for unknown... sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.. but then I will try again.. someday I will get there...
Do you ever have any such fears and inhibitions that hold you back? What do you do to overcome those? I am eager to know your stories and also the solutions you devised.. so feel free to respond...
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