In June 2008, a dear friend of mine recommended the book 'Eat, Pray,Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert. I must say I enjoyed the book. Her story resonated with mine in many ways.I wondered about the possibilities in my own life to take a year off and travel to three countries in search of my own self? I thought, 'that would be a far stretched dream.. may be something I might try 10 years down the line when I have more money and luxury to take a year off..' little did I know then, that I would set out on a similar journey in just 2 years time...This is the story of my year off...not exactly along the lines of Elizabeth Gilbert's journey but quite similar to it...
Exactly a year ago, I arrived in Leuven, Belgium. I had made a conscious decision to call off my planned wedding in August that year. It was the most difficult phase of my life. I lost social and family support overnight. 'She is stupid. How can she be afraid of marriage? She has such a loving and understanding fiance and her in-laws love her so much. It must have been all those years away from India that she has become so self-centered. She has destroyed her own happiness'. They all had their opinions and they had loads of criticism for me. I lost my friends almost overnight, both men and women and I became a biggest tragedy in my community for I refused to get married.
I do not want to talk about why I took that decision. That is not important nor relevant anymore. All I want to share here is that the tremendous social and family criticism knocked me out completely. I lost all my self esteem, confidence and I became one miserable woman. I took all the blame and guilt and held myself responsible for everything, my pain, pain of my loved ones and all the financial and relational losses. I internalized the feeling that I am a total failure and extremely weak woman who did not even have courage to get married with a partner she had chosen herself. I did not have courage to set foot out of my house for many weeks that followed as I could not take those looks of mockery and sympathy thrown at me.. I thought.. this is the end of my life story. I have no hope and I am good for nothing.. I could not recognize myself in my feelings, thoughts or even actions.... I lost myself completely...
It was my younger brother who pushed me to get my act together. I had a one year scholarship to study bioethics as a part of Erasmus program. At some point, I was so weak and unsure of myself that I decided to give up my scholarship. I thought, I cant study any more.. and I don't want to fail in academics now after having failed in personal life.But my brother persisted and I started yet another journey.. my year away from home, a journey into healing and self realization.. the time stolen to make peace with myself.. I had no hopes and no expectations but I was happy to realize that I wont be haunted with the questions about my failure to get married at least for a year.. and that was a big relief...
4th October 2010, I 'celebrated' my 31st birthday with floods of tears and no sign of happiness... the same evening I flew out of India and next day early morning I arrived in Belgium... tired, exhausted, weak, unsure,confused and scared. Will I survive this European winter? Will I fall apart emotionally and psychologically through the dark and cold months of winter ahead? Will I be able to study and pass my exams? Those were hard days. I had not slept well for months together, the nightmares kept me company. I had to force myself to eat and I had to make tremendous effort to attend my classes. Nothing discussed in classes made sense.. I was not there.. the words fell on my ears but had no impact. I was sure, I was going to fail all my assignments. My friends in the Netherlands, new classmates got together and they created a support system around me. No weekend was spent without friends visiting me over. zen meditation helped me find some moments of peace and by December, I had at least regularized my daily routine. I could participate in few social occasions. A classmate helped me prepare for my exams. Another friend and her young children provided me with warmth of human interaction. I was slowly able to sleep better and I could feel the initial sings of improvement...
I celebrated the new year in Amsterdam with my friends and next day I moved to Nijmegen, a city in the South of the Netherlands.. from January to March, I stayed in the Netherlands. I am familiar with and in fact fond of Dutch Academic environment. I slowly found my voice in Nijmegen. I also had large network of friends in the Netherlands and for some strange reasons, the Netherlands always felt like home to me. Meditation continued. I was proactive in class discussions. I also conducted a qualitative research on euthanasia during those three months in the Netherlands. This was my first research abroad and it was indeed a fulfilling experience. I enjoyed every bit of it and though the months were full of hard work, I enjoyed every minute of it. By mid March, daffodils started peeping out of the snow covered soil and I could see and feel the arrival of spring around me and also within me. After series of farewell dinners in the Netherlands.. thanks to my wonderful friends... beginning of April,I was south-bound.
The last leg of my studies from April to June was in Padova, Italy. Gilbert's descriptions of Italian pleasures of food and drinks were my everyday experiences in those three months. Italian spring, great food, a culture that ensures pleasure of everyday life..calling it 'Dolce vita'.. i was flowering once again... more classes, more exams but loads of travels... travelling was my priority.. I was lucky to experience Italian hospitality at homes of my Italian friends from Turin to Venice.. I was living that dream life.. I was definitely feeling much better but soon the worries started.. what will happen to me after graduation? end of June will not only mark the end of my academic program but I feared that it will also end my happy life. I feared returning to India. I was not ready yet. I needed more time to gather my strength and to really figure out what is that I wanted. I was not ready to go back home. End of May, and I became desperate... what was I going to do next? A friend of mine in the Netherlands rescued me and offered a place to stay for few months more.. she wanted me to take time off for myself.. no studies, no assignments.. just enjoy European summer...and reflect on my life path ahead..
4th July 2011, I arrived in Groningen and last three months have been the best part of my journey over this year.. what did I do? I ate, I slept many hours, I watched movies, I read many non academic books.. I cooked for hours and we invited our friends over for dinner.. we lingered over food and we talked about our lives. we laughed together and we also cried together.. I was accepted by her friends and family and many new experiences opened up in front of me... Dutch plays, working in the garden, visiting farmer's markets, dancing tango, hosting friends and enjoying sauna.. getting lost in huge public library and binging on fries and chocolates.. I started running with her and for the first time, realized how happy one could feel after a good run.. I started laughing a lot.. I became a child again, curious and open to new experiences, able to amuse myself with little things around me.. roaming through a Dutch farm of 90 cows and jumping on trampoline... enjoying the feel of water while jumping in swimming pool and sometimes the joy of doing nothing.. I was happy again.. I thought, I would never find happiness in my life.. but I was wrong..Once I accepted myself just the way I was with all my strengths and weaknesses, it was easy to find my joy.. and presence of huge circle of friends around me made a significant difference... what I had lost a year ago, I received much more back... the pain of the past became less... the memories started fading away.. the decision to call of the wedding was celebrated at its first anniversary along with a large group of my friends..(refer to the post, Sunday with the stars) I cried a lot but these were the tears of joy.. Last three months here were the most special moments of my life.. they gave me a second life..
I celebrated my 32nd birthday yesterday and I kept reflecting on my own journey over last one year.. yes I lost a few precious people and friends but it taught me to be more open to life, to accept myself and my vulnerabilities and most important was to learn that I am more than my marital status. I am not a wife but I am a great friend to many people and that gives me an immense sense of satisfaction. My circle of friends is constantly expanding and so is the depth of my relationship with the others.. I am working on my fears about love and marriage and I must say when I take one step forward, I see more helping hands stretching towards me.. I feel loved, cherished, nurtured and valued for who I am and not rejected for what I lack... I will hopefully start working in the Netherlands soon but I have already started most important work, to be myself, to find my own calling, to live life to the fullest as if this might be my last chance.. and I feel happy about all the experiences that life has shown me till now...
It really did not take 10 years for me to have 'eat, pray, love' experience but this one year gave me a lot to understand and to learn about...I take this moment to thank all those who have contributed to who I am, who have been my support and strength.. I would not have reached this far.. without your loving presence in my life.. thank you very much...
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