Flying high with K & L

Today I want to write about K & L. Trust me. I am not making up random alphabets. These are real ladies and to protect their identity, I have to use their initials. It is just a coincidence that these two seem to follow an alphabetical order.

I have not met either K or L in person. But for last 10 days, I have been following their performance. They are pilots and they were competing with 34 other men. It is quite sad that in this sport event, there are so few women. But I truly believe that both these ladies actually shined through the contest for their skills, technique and sportsman spirit. It is not always the number that matters but what one brings on board that puts them a class apart.

Apart from the fact that, these ladies rule the sky in their own ways, I am also fascinated by their passion for flying. They are my inspiration and role models. I always wanted to fly but somehow it never felt possible. It was one of those million dreams and desires in my non-ending bucket list. So watching their performance each day in some ways was fueling my dormant dreams. Though, I have nothing in common with them, I still felt strongly connected with them. I am proud of these two. What was even more inspiring for me was the sportsman spirit K demonstrated.

I know one thing about myself. When I set a goal, I want to give it my very best. I think this personality trait also makes me a bit competitive, performance focussed. May be, this is the outcome of having survived through cut throat competition in professional life in India. There was no room for being second or making mistakes as I knew there were thousand others who would then walk over me. I am not criticizing that competition nor do I want to discuss it here but I want to acknowledge that somehow I forgot to enjoy what I was doing in pursuit of being perfect. I have had successful professional life in many different parameters but I still feel that I am not good enough and I really hate that about myself. I have difficulty to cope with disappointments or failures. And by failures, I mean being 3rd instead of 1st or having made few mistakes that probably no one but myself had noticed or registered. It is getting better with age and through conscious work on myself but I still feel that tension, that stress. There are moments when I am engulfed with fear that I may not graduate on time and that my published papers wont be good enough. I set the bar of expectation for myself very high even though it is not needed. I ask myself why do I do this and how can I change?

K could have been the overall champion yesterday if her last flight would not have a technical problem. This is what I have been told. I imagined myself in her place. I would have been so disappointed and angry at myself even though I knew what happened was beyond my control. I would have been visibly sad and overcritical of myself. But what I heard about yesterday was the stride in which she carried herself, how she seemed to have dealt with disappointment that no one could notice it. I mean, it is natural to feel disappointed and may be she was and she is. But I think what I learned from her example yesterday is that there is another way of dealing with minor set backs in life as long as you believe in yourself and you truly enjoy what you do. The parameter of success is tailored to your needs. It is not the medals, publications or championship titles but the process you went through, the joy you experienced, the inspiration you felt and the dreams that you keep alive. Wowww K, what a precious contribution of reflection you made in my life. Thank you..

So how does this translate in my case? To graduate, I have to publish three good quality academic papers in relevant journals in next 13 months. Following what system demands out of me, I could strive to go for high impact factor journals (external parameters of success) and focus all my efforts and energy on achieving that goal. Or I could focus on quality of my work, fully engage in my data analysis, enjoy many good and bad experiences I have had in this educational adventure, take this as an opportunity to learn how to write good papers and most importantly take good care of my physical and emotional well being. I may not get 'summa cum laude' that I am generally habituated to, but I can still successfully complete my project, learn essential skills and walk further on my academic path. I want to take the later path.

And as usual, I have to dangle a carrot in front of myself to stay focussed and persistent. I promise myself flying lessons as a present for successful graduation.. that sounds fun.. may be one day P will join K, L, M, N, O.. whoever.. and have fun up in the sky for sake of pure joy... 

Happy birthday Angel..

Last tuesday, I had a girlfriend of mine over for dinner. We talked a lot about our lives and we also talked about my blog, the therapeutic role it played in my life and my desire to write about women friends of mine who have played a significant role in shaping me. D encouraged me to revive my blog and I started yesterday with story of K.

Today I want to write about A. It is her birthday. She is far away across the Atlantic but she is in the thoughts of many souls around the world. She has touched countless lives with her loving presence. And I am one of those many who had an opportunity to spend some time with her, to get to know her and to soak my soul in her warmth.

I met her three years ago in September 2011. I was lost, broken, disillusioned, deeply hurt and afraid to bring down the protective walls around me.. the walls that I had meticulously built for years and the walls that I had particularly raised higher in the previous year. The word or notion I least trusted was 'Love'. I ran away from that word with all my might. I convinced myself love is an illusion or chemical intoxication of some sort. I believed that Love hurts. And it was in this context, I met A.

She is an amazing woman. I cant really describe her in my limited words. But spending some time with her in Sept 2011 made me feel as if I was with a 'phenomenal woman' that Maya Angelou describes in her poem. There she was.. one such woman, real in flesh and bones, someone that I could see, feel, touch and hear. Someone that made me feel as if she could truly 'see' me, understand me in spite of my walls and beyond all my fears, pain and vulnerability. I loved the way she smiled and laughed, I loved the way she connected with people around her. She embodied empathy. I was particularly fascinated by the twinkle in her eyes, child like enthusiasm and curiosity towards life, willingness to learn and understand others. In her presence, I could bring my guards down, I could be 'me', raw and hurting, scared and vulnerable. She held me in her loving presence and I felt safe. Tears came down with force and I could not hold them back. She stayed there rock solid holding me in her arms, not affected or averse to my tears and incomprehensible words amid those sobs. I cried and cried till I could not cry anymore. May be till I did not feel the need to cry anymore. That was a profound experience of love in my life. She helped me make a little window in my walls so that I could let some love enter into my life. That is the precious gift she has given me. I met her twice again and I grew in my little efforts on this path of self love under her guidance and loving presence. Thinking about her always floods my heart with gratitude and hope. She inspires me to live, to love myself and to love woman in me. She helps me believe in Love and living a loving life.

Today is her birthday. She is showered with love and greetings from different corners of the world. I wish her a long healthy life ahead so that she can continue to shine the light of love in many lives just. Happy birthday angel.. I am glad our paths crossed and I am grateful to have you in my life.

Wounds of broken trust

I met her yesterday. Let's call her K. She is in her mid 50s and at a major cross road in her life. Three weeks ago, she found out that her husband of 33 years has run away with a new woman. She is clearly shaken up but yesterday she struck me with her poise, grit, strength and wisdom.

We had a conversation. I asked her how did she cope with all the pain, anger, sense of grief and helplessness. She was honest. She said she cried rivers of tears. She acknowledged that she draws a lot of strength from her two adult daughters and she is looking forward to returning to her home country in two weeks and starting a new life again. As we said goodbye to each other, her last words were - 'you know, in spite of what he did, I don't hate him. I loved this man and I will be there for him if he ever needs me. But he broke my trust. I don't think, I can trust him the same way again. That crucial trust is deeply broken and that hurts me the most'.

K's story had a huge impact on me. Her reflection on trust moved me to tears. It revoked my own wounds when my trust was broken mainly by the people that I loved and considered trust worthy. Those wounds started bleeding again and tears crossed the boundaries of my lower eyelids and streamed down my face.

It is true. It hurts when someone breaks our trust. When we trust someone, we allow ourselves to be truly honest and vulnerable in front of that person. We open our life to that person in ways that we never did before believing that strong foundation of trust in this relationship will keep us safe in spite of being vulnerable. And when that trust is broken, we feel deeply hurt and stupid for having trusted wrong individuals. What is even worse in my experience is that often people concerned seem to have no insight into their behavior that broke the trust and they rather point fingers at you telling you that it is all your fault, your own problem and they are being blamed for no reason. I feel even more wounded. I have cried my own rivers of tears and I continue to suffer.

But my biggest struggle in this context has to do with the fact that these experiences have left me incapable of trusting my own instincts about people and to what extent I should trust them. I am afraid to trust people, I am afraid to fully trust friends. I try to protect myself against the wounds of broken trust. I know that building trust takes a long time and rebuilding broken trust is even harder. The question I ask myself is whether I should invest myself in rebuilding broken trust in those individuals/relationships or rather use that energy to build trust in myself. I have no influence on lives of others or their choices or their future behavior but I can at least to some degree influence my own choices and life course. Loosing trust in myself has been the worst price I had to pay.

K inspired me a great deal yesterday. I would probably never meet K again in my life but she taught me a valuable lesson.. a lesson to trust myself. I cant fully trust anyone else, not a parent, a colleague, a friend, a sibling or even a partner of many decades. But it is definitely worthwhile to take small yet strong steps towards trusting myself, trusting my intuition, trusting my bodily and emotional wisdom, trusting life all over again... Thank you K.