I met her yesterday. Let's call her K. She is in her mid 50s and at a major cross road in her life. Three weeks ago, she found out that her husband of 33 years has run away with a new woman. She is clearly shaken up but yesterday she struck me with her poise, grit, strength and wisdom.
We had a conversation. I asked her how did she cope with all the pain, anger, sense of grief and helplessness. She was honest. She said she cried rivers of tears. She acknowledged that she draws a lot of strength from her two adult daughters and she is looking forward to returning to her home country in two weeks and starting a new life again. As we said goodbye to each other, her last words were - 'you know, in spite of what he did, I don't hate him. I loved this man and I will be there for him if he ever needs me. But he broke my trust. I don't think, I can trust him the same way again. That crucial trust is deeply broken and that hurts me the most'.
K's story had a huge impact on me. Her reflection on trust moved me to tears. It revoked my own wounds when my trust was broken mainly by the people that I loved and considered trust worthy. Those wounds started bleeding again and tears crossed the boundaries of my lower eyelids and streamed down my face.
It is true. It hurts when someone breaks our trust. When we trust someone, we allow ourselves to be truly honest and vulnerable in front of that person. We open our life to that person in ways that we never did before believing that strong foundation of trust in this relationship will keep us safe in spite of being vulnerable. And when that trust is broken, we feel deeply hurt and stupid for having trusted wrong individuals. What is even worse in my experience is that often people concerned seem to have no insight into their behavior that broke the trust and they rather point fingers at you telling you that it is all your fault, your own problem and they are being blamed for no reason. I feel even more wounded. I have cried my own rivers of tears and I continue to suffer.
But my biggest struggle in this context has to do with the fact that these experiences have left me incapable of trusting my own instincts about people and to what extent I should trust them. I am afraid to trust people, I am afraid to fully trust friends. I try to protect myself against the wounds of broken trust. I know that building trust takes a long time and rebuilding broken trust is even harder. The question I ask myself is whether I should invest myself in rebuilding broken trust in those individuals/relationships or rather use that energy to build trust in myself. I have no influence on lives of others or their choices or their future behavior but I can at least to some degree influence my own choices and life course. Loosing trust in myself has been the worst price I had to pay.
K inspired me a great deal yesterday. I would probably never meet K again in my life but she taught me a valuable lesson.. a lesson to trust myself. I cant fully trust anyone else, not a parent, a colleague, a friend, a sibling or even a partner of many decades. But it is definitely worthwhile to take small yet strong steps towards trusting myself, trusting my intuition, trusting my bodily and emotional wisdom, trusting life all over again... Thank you K.
We had a conversation. I asked her how did she cope with all the pain, anger, sense of grief and helplessness. She was honest. She said she cried rivers of tears. She acknowledged that she draws a lot of strength from her two adult daughters and she is looking forward to returning to her home country in two weeks and starting a new life again. As we said goodbye to each other, her last words were - 'you know, in spite of what he did, I don't hate him. I loved this man and I will be there for him if he ever needs me. But he broke my trust. I don't think, I can trust him the same way again. That crucial trust is deeply broken and that hurts me the most'.
K's story had a huge impact on me. Her reflection on trust moved me to tears. It revoked my own wounds when my trust was broken mainly by the people that I loved and considered trust worthy. Those wounds started bleeding again and tears crossed the boundaries of my lower eyelids and streamed down my face.
It is true. It hurts when someone breaks our trust. When we trust someone, we allow ourselves to be truly honest and vulnerable in front of that person. We open our life to that person in ways that we never did before believing that strong foundation of trust in this relationship will keep us safe in spite of being vulnerable. And when that trust is broken, we feel deeply hurt and stupid for having trusted wrong individuals. What is even worse in my experience is that often people concerned seem to have no insight into their behavior that broke the trust and they rather point fingers at you telling you that it is all your fault, your own problem and they are being blamed for no reason. I feel even more wounded. I have cried my own rivers of tears and I continue to suffer.
But my biggest struggle in this context has to do with the fact that these experiences have left me incapable of trusting my own instincts about people and to what extent I should trust them. I am afraid to trust people, I am afraid to fully trust friends. I try to protect myself against the wounds of broken trust. I know that building trust takes a long time and rebuilding broken trust is even harder. The question I ask myself is whether I should invest myself in rebuilding broken trust in those individuals/relationships or rather use that energy to build trust in myself. I have no influence on lives of others or their choices or their future behavior but I can at least to some degree influence my own choices and life course. Loosing trust in myself has been the worst price I had to pay.
K inspired me a great deal yesterday. I would probably never meet K again in my life but she taught me a valuable lesson.. a lesson to trust myself. I cant fully trust anyone else, not a parent, a colleague, a friend, a sibling or even a partner of many decades. But it is definitely worthwhile to take small yet strong steps towards trusting myself, trusting my intuition, trusting my bodily and emotional wisdom, trusting life all over again... Thank you K.
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