Out of dormancy

I am back with a new post exactly after a month. It was a month of yet another transition from the active student life to a life of conscious summer break of two months. I thought taking a break was easy but it was not. It was my own mind and anxieties about what my future will hold made it difficult than anything else. I moved from beautiful, warm and friendly Italy to stunning, comfortable, windy and rainy Groningen in the north of the Netherlands. My dear friend who is hosting my stay for two months did so many things to make my life comfortable before she left for a three week road trip to Norway. So finally after years of living in small rented apartments in the cities that I worked in or living in tiny student apartments in Amsterdam, Leuven, Nijmegen and Padova, I find myself in this comfortable, two storied Dutch house. It was a big change to get used to all the space and privacy I have, the fully equipped kitchen that I could cook in, my favorite gas flame stove and slowly the feeling sank in. I was in 'my' temporary home, getting used to it and the home getting used to me.

Over time, I understood the details of everyday life, the grocery stores, fresh fruits and vegetable markets, the garbage disposal system and I must say people around here are very friendly. I stand in my balcony and talk to my neighbor, i waved a hello at another neighbor across the street, I bike around, sometimes getting lost but sometimes finding my way without any troubles. The days have been mostly windy, rainy and dark but I needed some time to hibernate like a frog. I cooked my Indian food, ate as much I liked and slept for hours, sometimes 10 hours at night and couple of hours in the afternoon. It felt as if my body was physically tired and needed some rest. I watched movies with a tub of ice-creme in my hand. I always dreamt of this kind of relaxed life, where you are alone, you have friends around if you feel like going out but it is also perfectly ok if you dont want to. Wake up at your own times, have your lunch at 3pm if you like. You are not answerable to anyone and you have no deadlines. In short, I have been dormant, lazy, far from work and productivity. Ohh there was one task I was actively doing, understanding the needs of different plants indoors and outdoors. I am taking care of her greens and I must say i freak out at the prospect of little ones giving up their life under my care. My initial days caring for them were hard, almost like a new mother, I would worry if I see slightest sign of leaves drooping. But now I think I have figured it out, they are doing great and I am trying to do the same.

But it was still hard to accept that I had consciously chosen not to do anything for two months. Why do I think taking absolutely necessary rest is not doing anything? That is a different question. But I am an obsessive worker and a person who always worries about the future. I cant sit still and I cant relax even on a five star Cruise liner. I am like a scared little mouse running around trying to figure out an escape but I often ask myself what is it that I am trying to find escape from? Well, I have been actively thinking about it in these days. What is it that I am running away from? I am running away from my fear, anxiety and worries about the future. I am running away from myself who has immense self doubt and low self esteem even though people I am with never notice that. I am running away from my present and my future. In fact I am running away from my own life. Why? that is even bigger question, I cant even put a finger on that. May be because of previous experiences in childhood and adult life. I don't know. May be because I am afraid of failure, any sort, but mostly the failures in personal life, as being a daughter, sister, a partner and so on. I am not so good in these relationships, I tend to keep myself as far away from these commitments and responsibilities as I can but I worry about these all the time. I think I am also too critical of myself. I hardly appreciate my own life and things I could make out of it. But ask me to list some shortcomings, I bet that would be a long one. I procrastinate that I can be happy when all my financial needs are taken care of and that I have a smooth life to sail in. But who has such a smooth life anyways. For example for last fifteen days, I was almost tearing myself down with the realization that with three masters degrees and numerous awards and honors under my belt, with six years of substantial work experience, I am without a job right now. I killed myself by thinking about it over and over again. But did I not take this break consciously because I felt the need to slow down and take some time off for myself? Why such blame on myself then? Why cant I just enjoy the break that I have taken without worrying about where life might take me in September. It all makes sense at rational intellectual level but I must admit, I have not been much of a fun person and a sport in last two weeks that I am living in the Netherlands. I have felt depressed and sad and I have also shed some tears on the matter.

But then I made a decision, to consciously try and enjoy every moment as it comes. To work at being happy. To do things that I have not done before and I could do while I am here. So that I can look back at these remaining six weeks and say, 'ohhh boy that was such a fun time in my life. I am glad I did that'. So what are the plans? First plan is to start taking care of myself, I am starting with my feet, most neglected part of my body. Soaking them, moisturizing them and taking care of them, the feet that I stand on and the feet that take me all around the world. I want to see them beautifully transformed when I step into my dance shoes in tango salon with my friends in two weeks time. I plan to read a book while soaking in a bubble bath as I have seen in numerous Hollywood films. I want to start physical training and running if the rain stops a bit. I have already started my yoga practice and must say that my body already feels better in terms of flexibility and muscle tone. We are going to sail end of this month and I have never sailed before in my life. I am immersed in real Dutch life here, no more as a student of international program. I want to start taking some basic Dutch lessons in coming weeks. Last and the most important is that I am going to work with my friend in building her house, the wood, the electric fitting, the painting and fitting toilet accessories and plumbing lines. I am most excited about this aspect of my life. Gosh, I have never done anything with my hands except some surgeries, some cooking and eating. Most of my work has been with my head. But I cant wait to put on oldest of clothes and get stained in color and covered with the dirt and make mistakes and disasters while being an apprentice with my friend and her father. I can almost see myself, tired and sweaty with all that physical work but at the end of it, admiring my own little piece of art, one ply of wood that I could cut properly, a small patch of the wall that I could paint beautifully, the little towel holding rings that I could fix on the wall.. that will be awesome. I am not good at sitting still and relaxing. I think only way I could relax is by doing different things, the things that I have not done before and fortunately in this world there are more things that I have not done than the things that I have done.. which means I will have ample time to relax.