That was my new year resolution.. not that I ever manage to keep my resolution for more than an hour... but that is how I would describe my day today.. lazy.. aimless... just being there... and not being there... I was in many places and with many people in my head.. but most of the time, I was physically in my bed today... trying to sleep or keep my eyes closed... feeling yet another mattress under my back, filtering out traffic honks just outside the window... the road construction work sounds in Basel sound non-existent in comparison to this symphony of music... to make a grand welcome for me, the apartment building where I live has started re-plastering and structural repairs of the building... so there is no dirth of dust and noise.... I am home for sure....
It is warm and humid..... and my skin never misses that clue... I have super-oily skin at the moment.. I never understood this logic of skin glands.. I wish they would secrete all this oil in the cold weather of Europe, so i wont need all those moisturizers..... why ooze the sebum unnecessarily in Mumbai.. there is enough moisture here... but things always do not work as per the logic..
after my initial roaring hunger last night, I am taking it pretty easy... on food front... wonder how long this will last... I go on an eating spree whenever in Mumbai... always wonder what is it that I am eating symbolically .. it is definitely emotional eating... did my baseline weight this morning... and then there will be 'after' measurement... but food habits will be changed.... for sure... no greens and salads, lots of home-cooked delicacies that I cant cook myself or wont even find ingredients... invitations at the relatives with more to eat... my morning drink of honey, lemon and warm water already got replaced by chai tea boiled in milk with herbs and spices... i never make it for myself because it never tastes the same.... but this morning my day began with a cup of tea in bed... at 9am.. my mother spoiling me all over again.....I am home for sure...
My closet doesn't feel like mine anymore... my soft toys are covered with dust.. my mom refused to take care of my 32 odd toys.... I have been told to give them away or to take them to basel... in days ahead..i will bathe them one by one... and wash away all that dirt and other emotional webs... my piles of books.. they are turning yellow too... all those boxes with little memories, hundreds of letters and old diaries... I have my life scattered over the place... old black and white pictures from my childhood.. they are catching moisture.. I have to preserve them somehow...there was a temptation to make a list.. but I resisted.. list is taking shape in my head but it is not on paper yet... this afternoon, I lay in bed staring at the ceiling... should I empty my stuff from here.... why am i occupying so much space here in this tiny apartment.... how often and for how long I will keep returning home? I guess as long as my mom and brother are around... but all other connections and bonds already feel strained... something that I am trying to hold on to.. to keep them alive... but it is a struggle...
I continued to stare at the ceiling.... and there it was.. the ceiling fan... all my life I have been afraid of those... I could never sleep under one because of the fear that it might fall and kill me... in hot Mumbai summers with 40 C temperature.. I would rather soak in sweat but not start the fan.. ridiculous fear but i could never overcome it... my life last three years or so without ceiling fans... was such a bliss.. i had forgotten about this fear till last Thursday night...when I woke up in the middle of night, soaked in sweat.. heart racing... realizing that my fear of the ceiling fans was back... I was paralyzed by this fear.. I was going back to the land of fans... it sank in.. and it provoked all the unsettling thoughts and fears...
I shared this incidence with my brother the next morning... he knows this fear very well... he has suffered silently because of my inability to deal with it... I walked in the bedroom last night to see a brand new ceiling fan... smooth, silent yet strong... no rattling sounds.. no scary looks... will I be safe, I wondered... he looked at me... we said nothing... I did sleep under the fan last night... the blades whirling around fast.. creating 'wind'... cooling the room down.. cooling me down... I kept staring at it... and thinking about it... the fan, the fear, the unresolved conflict... the wind, the temperature, myself, my home, the bonds and connections... past and the present... me, constantly changing, constantly in conflict, restless, in search of something... but what is it that I am really searching for? how do I face all my fears which catch me unprepared.. how do I let go... of all the constraints, emotional or physical and take a leap of faith.. how do I remain honest to myself and to people that matter the most to me... how do I remain me?
I think I have broken yet another resolution... I have not been lazy after all... :(
may be my next resolution should be..' i will hurt my lips to my highest ability each moment..'.. I would so love to break that resolution...
It is warm and humid..... and my skin never misses that clue... I have super-oily skin at the moment.. I never understood this logic of skin glands.. I wish they would secrete all this oil in the cold weather of Europe, so i wont need all those moisturizers..... why ooze the sebum unnecessarily in Mumbai.. there is enough moisture here... but things always do not work as per the logic..
after my initial roaring hunger last night, I am taking it pretty easy... on food front... wonder how long this will last... I go on an eating spree whenever in Mumbai... always wonder what is it that I am eating symbolically .. it is definitely emotional eating... did my baseline weight this morning... and then there will be 'after' measurement... but food habits will be changed.... for sure... no greens and salads, lots of home-cooked delicacies that I cant cook myself or wont even find ingredients... invitations at the relatives with more to eat... my morning drink of honey, lemon and warm water already got replaced by chai tea boiled in milk with herbs and spices... i never make it for myself because it never tastes the same.... but this morning my day began with a cup of tea in bed... at 9am.. my mother spoiling me all over again.....I am home for sure...
My closet doesn't feel like mine anymore... my soft toys are covered with dust.. my mom refused to take care of my 32 odd toys.... I have been told to give them away or to take them to basel... in days ahead..i will bathe them one by one... and wash away all that dirt and other emotional webs... my piles of books.. they are turning yellow too... all those boxes with little memories, hundreds of letters and old diaries... I have my life scattered over the place... old black and white pictures from my childhood.. they are catching moisture.. I have to preserve them somehow...there was a temptation to make a list.. but I resisted.. list is taking shape in my head but it is not on paper yet... this afternoon, I lay in bed staring at the ceiling... should I empty my stuff from here.... why am i occupying so much space here in this tiny apartment.... how often and for how long I will keep returning home? I guess as long as my mom and brother are around... but all other connections and bonds already feel strained... something that I am trying to hold on to.. to keep them alive... but it is a struggle...
I continued to stare at the ceiling.... and there it was.. the ceiling fan... all my life I have been afraid of those... I could never sleep under one because of the fear that it might fall and kill me... in hot Mumbai summers with 40 C temperature.. I would rather soak in sweat but not start the fan.. ridiculous fear but i could never overcome it... my life last three years or so without ceiling fans... was such a bliss.. i had forgotten about this fear till last Thursday night...when I woke up in the middle of night, soaked in sweat.. heart racing... realizing that my fear of the ceiling fans was back... I was paralyzed by this fear.. I was going back to the land of fans... it sank in.. and it provoked all the unsettling thoughts and fears...
I shared this incidence with my brother the next morning... he knows this fear very well... he has suffered silently because of my inability to deal with it... I walked in the bedroom last night to see a brand new ceiling fan... smooth, silent yet strong... no rattling sounds.. no scary looks... will I be safe, I wondered... he looked at me... we said nothing... I did sleep under the fan last night... the blades whirling around fast.. creating 'wind'... cooling the room down.. cooling me down... I kept staring at it... and thinking about it... the fan, the fear, the unresolved conflict... the wind, the temperature, myself, my home, the bonds and connections... past and the present... me, constantly changing, constantly in conflict, restless, in search of something... but what is it that I am really searching for? how do I face all my fears which catch me unprepared.. how do I let go... of all the constraints, emotional or physical and take a leap of faith.. how do I remain honest to myself and to people that matter the most to me... how do I remain me?
I think I have broken yet another resolution... I have not been lazy after all... :(
may be my next resolution should be..' i will hurt my lips to my highest ability each moment..'.. I would so love to break that resolution...
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