I had ambitious plans for the Christmas holidays.. I was alone in the office, so I thought I could accomplish a lot in these days because there were no distractions.. I wanted to write few assignments, submit a paper to a journal, write 3 abstracts, and apply for 2 or 3 travel grants and scholarships to be able to conduct the research for my Phd... I wanted to treat myself well, enjoy the holidays, cook and eat good meals, go out and have fun.. I wanted to write letters and post cards to friends and family.. I wanted to clean my apartment before travelling to Mumbai, I had hoped to pack my bags and I wanted to feel relaxed and happy at the end of accomplishing all of this... all in ten days...
This is what I achieved.. one assignment, lot of cooking and eating, letters to friends and family, a clean apartment and a packed bag.... and rather than feeling relaxed and happy, I am overwhelmed, tired, irritated, sick, annoyed and angry at myself.. and incredibly guilty... I did not accomplish even 20% of what I wanted to... and I will have to work while I am on holidays in Mumbai... which means my mom and brother will be annoyed and then I will be mad at myself again... I already see how this vacation is going to evolve... I really don't want to land in Mumbai and start cleaning my apartment there.. obsessively.. I always do that.. for reasons I don't understand.. I think I am rather trying to clean my own emotional webs and struggles.. in the hope that if the outside surfaces are clean, I will feel at peace and happy.. but experience of more than 20 years tells me that has never happened... Instead I inhale and ingest a lot of dust and then spend 2 weeks being terribly sick with severe allergic rhinitis and bronchitis... why do I do that?
I am terribly upset at all those school teachers of mine who told me I had to be busy like a bee, always working, collecting honey... that doesn't help... I have turned into this crazy workoholic who has hard time to relax and have fun... I have to make plans to enjoy life and work hard at executing them .. to take time out... to sit on a couch the whole day and do nothing.... Sometimes I spend the day on a couch doing nothing but at the end of the day I am almost in tears for having wasted the whole day... don't ask me what I was hoping to achieve instead.. I am sure I did not have any brilliant productive ideas or hobbies... It was Helma who recently made me see how often I express thoughts like.. 'ohh no, what I am doing, I am such a waste of time.. or I have wasted so many years of my life...' she looked at me in total shock and asked... Is that really true that you wasted significant amount of time or part of your life?
The truth is I often feel that I have wasted so much time in my life.. I have wasted so many opportunities to live life...the things that people do in their teens, I am doing them now in my 30s..I still blow soap bubbles like a five year old... I am the joke in my family that my social growth mile stones lag behind by at least 2 decades... I seriously did not enjoy my youth even a bit.. because I wanted to be a mature, independent, grown up adult...and now as an adult I feel lost... not having learned things that one naturally learns by just being your age... I am an emotional wreck at the moment.. wish I had these experiences in my teens so that I would have handled these situations better now...instead I hope and desire to be an old woman quickly enough... because I believe I will be sorted out when I am old.. I bet I will be far from sorted out elderly person.. I will be uncooked, unevenly baked cake.. totally chaotic, confused, guilty and sad for not having lived life when I had a chance...I was always trying to work hard to deserve at the end of long period of hard work some moments to relax and enjoy, free of worries.. but that has never happened.. instead I have turned into this tiny hamster.. who keeps running on his little wheel... at least Hamster seems to enjoy his actions.. but I dont .. and I feel terrible about myself... I dont want to be a busy bee.. I want to be a lazy bee.. I just want to feel like a normal person of my age... not as a teen ager and definitely not as an elderly woman... at least not at this moment... and my workoholism also has reached a stage of stagnation... I am not being productive at all... rather I feel I am stuck...
It was December 2007.. I was on vacation in Kerala... for 10 days and I just could not relax and enjoy the beautiful state... the backwaters, the ayurvedic retreats and massages... I had high levels of adrenalin all the time, and I was always on my toes, ready to face some impending disaster.. there was no disaster.. but I just felt I had to be aware and ready.. ready for things that were unlikely to happen... and guess what.. I came back from Kerala feeling more tired than before... and I was scared with this realization that it was impossible for me to let my hair loose and just have fun... boy.. what have I done to myself...
another tragedy that I have voluntarily embraced and internalized in life is my constant effort to be organized.. organize each day, organize my kitchen, organize my work space, and papers, organize future... Organized could be my second name... I want to plan everything.. I want to be prepared for anything that might go wrong.. the problem is I am so busy planning that I completely forget to live the moment, to enjoy it, to be happy here and now.. some of my friends often tap on my shoulder and ask ,'hey where are you?'... I am often somewhere in future.. planning something which is way beyond my controls or I am lost in the past... feeling lost and hopeless....' finding me here and now.. is extremely rare... but sometimes that happens... and then I am planning.. how can I be like that more often... that's it.. that is the end.. all spontaneity is gone... and I am back to being a hamster...
I really have to divorce my to do lists... they are all around me... one for work, one for home, one for future plans and one for miscellaneous.. my life is controlled by my to do list... and I hate the days when I cant strike out at least half of the things on my list... I guess I have to make another to do list.. list to live life, to have fun... nooooo I don't want to even go that way.. that would be a disaster for sure.. and I would probably reach a point of no return.. I just have to let go of my list of things to do... you know, I have been depending on them so much that my brain and memory has gone weak.. I cant do my groceries efficiently without my list of required things... How did I get so addicted to these little pieces of paper....
Ohhh universe, please teach me how to be lazy, how to take life easy, how to be here and now, how to have fun and a good laugh without feeling guilty.... teach me how to be a normal person and how to behave like my age..... I am tired of myself... for being such a boring hamster....
Is there a book 'how to be lazy in 21 days?' or 'being lazy for dummies'... I need something like that to get started.... I am not sure... I think laziness has to be learned by doing.. and not by reading.. or planning... so I just have to practice being lazy... may be see some good examples around... learn from the others...
Folks, help me be lazy.. that would improve my physical health and mental well-being considerably... any ideas or suggestions? I promise I will be much more fun unless you think the hamster is fun...
How do I spend the evening now, doing nothing.. just being lazy... hahahha I am really goofed up.. I am asking myself what to do to be lazy.. doing and being lazy, dont go together, do they?
Note: The image is obtained from the following link
http://www.michelemolinaro.com/is-your-life-running-faster-than-you/woman-on-hamster-wheel/
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