Today is my dad's 63rd birthday. He was on my mind all day long. I kept wondering how could I communicate with him? How could I spend some time with him? He died in 2005. It is seven years now. So much has changed in my life in last seven years.. so much has changed in my family..
I often feel guilty that I was not there for my father when he needed me, that I did not make enough efforts to understand him.That I took him for granted and I never really accepted him just the way he was with all his strengths and weaknesses. It took me his sudden death to realize what an important aspect of my life he has been. It took me many years to begin to see his strengths, most of which I often misunderstood as his weaknesses. It took me years to realize how similar I am to my father and how closely connected are our struggles in life.
There is nothing much I can do about it. It is gone.. he is gone.. all I have is this moment, the present.. and I just don't want to make the same mistakes again, i.e. taking life and people in my life for granted.. that they will be there with me tomorrow, day after, a year after, a decade after..... you never know when you loose someone so important for you in a fraction of second.. you waved goodbye to him at the airport and took off only to return to a home without him..
So I decided to invite my dad for dinner with me this evening. It has been years that we have not shared a meal, just the two of us. I feel I have a lot to talk to him about, to share with him, to ask for his opinions and to listen to his story. I cooked simple meal, the dishes that he truly loved. He had such minimal needs.. he was happy and satisfied with whatever he had and always showed immense gratitude for having his family around. He ate everything that would come on his plate with great pleasure.. and cooking for him was such a joy because of the way he would appreciate the food and the person preparing the food... 'अन्नदाता सुखी भव ' 'may the provider of the food be blessed' he would say before each meal... and look at my mother with a loving gaze... she was his metaphorical 'provider of food' and in truest sense 'provider of life'.... that moment over food has been immortalized in my memory... that was also one of those rare moments when my parents would express their love for each other.. in a very symbolic way.. no hand holding, no physical contact, just that gaze.. and that said it all... subtle but reaching the souls..
What would I talk to my father on the dinner table? I guess I wont waste time on giving him updates on my life.. I am sure he knows it all even better than I do... I have to prioratize two issues to talk about... and to make it simple I chose one thing that I owe my dad and the other struggle that I share with him.. so dad, are you ready?
My dad taught me how to connect with people in meaningful way... he was so good in building relationships and maintaining them. He was always there for people around him, sometimes putting himself and in his family in a compromised state. He would run to support anyone that would ask for help... he had friends in diverse walks of life.. from university professors to local auto-rickshaw drivers.. people's profile, education, social status, caste, religion, wealth, nothing came in his way... he was जगन्मित्र .. the one who is friends with the whole world... in-spite of his flawed life which was considered as a wasted life in my community, even today I meet people talking about him in a very respectful and loving way.. how did he do that? What was his secret? Was it his compassion? Was it his innate personal warmth? Was it the biggest vacuum in his heart that his own family did not accept him and hence he tried to create his own family outside? Was he searching for unconditional love and acceptance that we failed to give him? He started giving his unconditional love and acceptance to everyone around him, hoping that some day he would also receive the same unconditional love and acceptance.. unfortunately he did not.. at least not till his death.. he remained that 'looser', the one who destroyed his beautiful life down the glass of alcohol... he died never hearing from his children that they loved him... but he heard enough criticism from them all along.... I am not romanticizing his alcohol addiction.. i will never be able to fully forgive him for all the hardships that his addiction put on our lives.. but I am also aware that I as his daughter failed miserably to see him beyond that alcohol problem...to reach the root cause of this problem, to help him recover from his struggle...
Alcohol addiction was probably just the tip of the iceberg in his case.... now when I look back at his life and reflect on my own, I realize his biggest challenge was to express his emotions... his pain, his disappointment, his despair.... the struggle that I share with him... Not being able to express the pain, he took it all in.. not knowing how to deal with it, he drowned himself in alcohol... he used to cry a lot... I remember his eyes overflowing with tears... all through my childhood... I hated it... I wanted my dad to be strong man.. a man who could protect me... I hated him... and I hated those tears... without realizing how much actually I loved him... and how much I wanted him to feel better.. but I failed... I only gave him pain while he was still alive... I did not want to depend on him, I did not want to depend on any man... as if my dad had failed me some how.. I rejected him, i refused him love, respect, honour..... only person I could take all my anger, disappointment, pain, anguish out was my dad... he took it all... never stopped me... he knew how hard it was for me to take it out... and if he would not take it, who will? He listened to my emotional outbursts silently... without judging me.. without getting angry at me... he just stood there in front of me... rock solid.. it must have been hard to hear your daughter yell at you how much she hates you... and I thought he was weak... I never wanted to cry like him.. and then suddenly one day he died... and with that I lost my ability to cry... I could not cry for him.. I did not cry for him.. I became numb... I swallowed my own tears... I swallowed all my emotions, I swallowed all my anger, pain and disappointment... .. I wanted to be so strong that no emotions could melt me down.. and in the process I became a strange person who only could think but not feel much...thinking, rationalizing became dominant jargon of my life as feelings and emotions were locked away... the key thrown into a deep ocean....
Dad, help me feel the pain ... teach me how to deal with it in a healthier way... I am sure you know it by now... and I really need to learn this... please teach me... I am begging you for this... Dad, please forgive me... I am really sorry that I never told you how much I love you... and what you mean in my life... I am truly sorry about it... I really need to connect with you and consequently with me and all my emotions and live a balanced, normal life... This inability of mine to trust myself and life around me is harming me already in significant ways.. this tendency to choke myself with all inwardly turned negative emotions is destroying me each day..... help me learn to live.. fully and freely....help me sleep peacefully... be my guardian angel... on this path dad, I seriously need you there... to hold my hand as I take first steps on this path.... I need you... in truest sense.. and I trust you will be by my side on this journey... you always said that I never asked you for anything... today I am asking you to teach me how to live... and that is my birthday gift for you... Happy birthday dad....
I often feel guilty that I was not there for my father when he needed me, that I did not make enough efforts to understand him.That I took him for granted and I never really accepted him just the way he was with all his strengths and weaknesses. It took me his sudden death to realize what an important aspect of my life he has been. It took me many years to begin to see his strengths, most of which I often misunderstood as his weaknesses. It took me years to realize how similar I am to my father and how closely connected are our struggles in life.
There is nothing much I can do about it. It is gone.. he is gone.. all I have is this moment, the present.. and I just don't want to make the same mistakes again, i.e. taking life and people in my life for granted.. that they will be there with me tomorrow, day after, a year after, a decade after..... you never know when you loose someone so important for you in a fraction of second.. you waved goodbye to him at the airport and took off only to return to a home without him..
So I decided to invite my dad for dinner with me this evening. It has been years that we have not shared a meal, just the two of us. I feel I have a lot to talk to him about, to share with him, to ask for his opinions and to listen to his story. I cooked simple meal, the dishes that he truly loved. He had such minimal needs.. he was happy and satisfied with whatever he had and always showed immense gratitude for having his family around. He ate everything that would come on his plate with great pleasure.. and cooking for him was such a joy because of the way he would appreciate the food and the person preparing the food... 'अन्नदाता सुखी भव ' 'may the provider of the food be blessed' he would say before each meal... and look at my mother with a loving gaze... she was his metaphorical 'provider of food' and in truest sense 'provider of life'.... that moment over food has been immortalized in my memory... that was also one of those rare moments when my parents would express their love for each other.. in a very symbolic way.. no hand holding, no physical contact, just that gaze.. and that said it all... subtle but reaching the souls..
What would I talk to my father on the dinner table? I guess I wont waste time on giving him updates on my life.. I am sure he knows it all even better than I do... I have to prioratize two issues to talk about... and to make it simple I chose one thing that I owe my dad and the other struggle that I share with him.. so dad, are you ready?
My dad taught me how to connect with people in meaningful way... he was so good in building relationships and maintaining them. He was always there for people around him, sometimes putting himself and in his family in a compromised state. He would run to support anyone that would ask for help... he had friends in diverse walks of life.. from university professors to local auto-rickshaw drivers.. people's profile, education, social status, caste, religion, wealth, nothing came in his way... he was जगन्मित्र .. the one who is friends with the whole world... in-spite of his flawed life which was considered as a wasted life in my community, even today I meet people talking about him in a very respectful and loving way.. how did he do that? What was his secret? Was it his compassion? Was it his innate personal warmth? Was it the biggest vacuum in his heart that his own family did not accept him and hence he tried to create his own family outside? Was he searching for unconditional love and acceptance that we failed to give him? He started giving his unconditional love and acceptance to everyone around him, hoping that some day he would also receive the same unconditional love and acceptance.. unfortunately he did not.. at least not till his death.. he remained that 'looser', the one who destroyed his beautiful life down the glass of alcohol... he died never hearing from his children that they loved him... but he heard enough criticism from them all along.... I am not romanticizing his alcohol addiction.. i will never be able to fully forgive him for all the hardships that his addiction put on our lives.. but I am also aware that I as his daughter failed miserably to see him beyond that alcohol problem...to reach the root cause of this problem, to help him recover from his struggle...
Alcohol addiction was probably just the tip of the iceberg in his case.... now when I look back at his life and reflect on my own, I realize his biggest challenge was to express his emotions... his pain, his disappointment, his despair.... the struggle that I share with him... Not being able to express the pain, he took it all in.. not knowing how to deal with it, he drowned himself in alcohol... he used to cry a lot... I remember his eyes overflowing with tears... all through my childhood... I hated it... I wanted my dad to be strong man.. a man who could protect me... I hated him... and I hated those tears... without realizing how much actually I loved him... and how much I wanted him to feel better.. but I failed... I only gave him pain while he was still alive... I did not want to depend on him, I did not want to depend on any man... as if my dad had failed me some how.. I rejected him, i refused him love, respect, honour..... only person I could take all my anger, disappointment, pain, anguish out was my dad... he took it all... never stopped me... he knew how hard it was for me to take it out... and if he would not take it, who will? He listened to my emotional outbursts silently... without judging me.. without getting angry at me... he just stood there in front of me... rock solid.. it must have been hard to hear your daughter yell at you how much she hates you... and I thought he was weak... I never wanted to cry like him.. and then suddenly one day he died... and with that I lost my ability to cry... I could not cry for him.. I did not cry for him.. I became numb... I swallowed my own tears... I swallowed all my emotions, I swallowed all my anger, pain and disappointment... .. I wanted to be so strong that no emotions could melt me down.. and in the process I became a strange person who only could think but not feel much...thinking, rationalizing became dominant jargon of my life as feelings and emotions were locked away... the key thrown into a deep ocean....
Dad, help me feel the pain ... teach me how to deal with it in a healthier way... I am sure you know it by now... and I really need to learn this... please teach me... I am begging you for this... Dad, please forgive me... I am really sorry that I never told you how much I love you... and what you mean in my life... I am truly sorry about it... I really need to connect with you and consequently with me and all my emotions and live a balanced, normal life... This inability of mine to trust myself and life around me is harming me already in significant ways.. this tendency to choke myself with all inwardly turned negative emotions is destroying me each day..... help me learn to live.. fully and freely....help me sleep peacefully... be my guardian angel... on this path dad, I seriously need you there... to hold my hand as I take first steps on this path.... I need you... in truest sense.. and I trust you will be by my side on this journey... you always said that I never asked you for anything... today I am asking you to teach me how to live... and that is my birthday gift for you... Happy birthday dad....
No comments:
Post a Comment