Dear men and women,
Please forgive me for being mad and upset at the moment. I do not even know who am I writing this letter to? But I know why I am writing this letter. I need to communicate with you, I need to express my anger, my disappointment, my concerns and anguish and most importantly I need to understand your point of view. It just feels as if I don't really know you or comprehend you.. and without this link or communication, we will never be able to work on the issues together...
What am I angry about? Well many things but most important I guess is how women are perceived, treated and exploited in everyday life in most parts of the world. I can only talk about my own experiences from India but I also know that women face similar fate in many parts of the world, the developed and the developing world alike. The most recent trigger for me to explode has been recent case of gang rape in Delhi, the anger and outrage in my country and for last two days, how brutally the police has charged against the protesters. I know this is not a unique incidence, this happens everyday all around us but we just dont see it, dont hear it... we tell ourselves, 'all is well'.. but the fact is all is not well... and I cant keep quiet any more... I know many of my friends and family members are similarly boiling with anger and feel helpless that we dont know how and where to begin to tackle this issue.. we all read the news coverage, we watch the media debate and experts arguing about social, cultural and legal complexities around violence against women... but the question is how do we translate any of this discussion into action? where do we take the first steps? Who do we partner with? and most importantly who are we fighting against?
Right at the beginning, I must clarify something. Though I am addressing this letter to 'men' and women, I am not blaming any one. I know there is a huge variety of men out there, in terms of their ideologies, morality, behaviour and perceptions , in this case regarding how women are seen, perceived and treated. I am also aware of and saddened by the fact that even women can and have been causing serious physical, mental and emotional violence against men. I take the responsibility for this as a member of women's community. I do not want to divide us into two camps, men and women.. rather, I want to just reach out to men and women both and hope that they will help me understand the missing links in this complex social and cultural structure which has supported organized violence against women for centuries. I need to understand your perspective. I need to understand how these incidences affect you. I need to know your reactions and thoughts on how the situation could be improved. I want you to be part of this effort to create a better society where both men and women can live a life free of danger and risks which are attributed to the gender. Since I am most familiar with Indian society, I am going to talk about gender attributed dangers for women in that society... but I am repeating myself again, the issues are more or less universal, they just take a different form in different countries...
We have often taken pride in describing Indian civilization as one of the oldest civilizations on this planet. But oldest doesn't necessarily translate into wisest. One thing that bothers me the most about my country and culture is how women are treated in every walk of life, from religion to politics, from households to work place. I am not going to talk about how much cruelty we have inflicted on women in ancient times, what we have done to our widows and how systematically women were barred from any positions of power, opportunity to learn and freedom of expression. In principle now, women are equal to men in the eyes of Indian constitution, we did not have to wait too long to get the right to vote, we even have affirmative action and reservations in political, educational and public sector jobs but still we are most vulnerable in everyday life just because we are women...
Fight for existence for a woman in India starts even before birth. For many in my society even today, birth of a girl child feels like a burden. Sex selective abortions continue to disrupt natural male to female sex ratio at birth and this is particularly evident in northern India.. Why is a girl seen as a burden? Because you have to pay dowry to marry her off, because she any ways leaves her natal home, so why invest on her? If you dont have a son, you may not reach the heaven as only the son can perform the rituals after death. Because having a daughter adds to vulnerability, girls and women are the first target of destroying honour of the family.. this is often given as a sociological explanation for strong preference for male children in Northern India as most attackers and intruders entered India from the North. We needed a battalion of men to fight these enemies and women just added extra responsibility since they needed to be protected against the attackers... you want to destroy the courage and confidence of men, attack their women, assault them sexually, systematically rape them.. this strategy has been used for centuries all over the world... so why bother giving birth to girls, better that they are not born.. medical technology and ultrasound made it easy.. and many girls in India disappeared even before taking first breath... every person who doesn't see the implications of this, must watch the movie 'Matrubhoomi, a nation without women'... heart wrenching, dark, futuristic story unfolding in a north Indian village... the movie clearly shows how animal like humans can behave.. and how worse than animals can women be treated... this movie troubles me immensely every time I watch it but it also reinforces my intention to fight these societal norms in whatever little ways I can...
What I am going to describe below is a community level aggregate proven through many statistical and epidemiological studies in India. If a girl is still born, there is a very high chance that she will be underweight and malnourished, because food distribution within the family is often unequal. Most of the available food gets served to men and boys and whatever remains is equally divided amongst the women and the girls. It is highly likely that the girl will be brought to health care services much later, in more critical condition than her brothers. It is well known that below five mortality is higher among the girls than the boys and even percentage of vaccinations against vaccine preventable diseases is significantly lower for girls than for the boys. If a family cant afford schooling, it is most likely the girl who gives up her studies. She is expected to behave right, she is the honour of the family.. if she dares to break the norms or falls in love with the guy from another caste or community, it is invariably the young girl who might get killed by her own community and the name given to this brutal tradition is 'honour killing', killing a woman is justified to save the honour of the family. If she rejects a man who believes he loves her, it is quite likely that he might stalk her, stab her to death in public places or even worse, throw acid on her face to teach her a lesson... killing her slowly each day, causing severe injuries not only to her face but attacking her very sense of being a woman. After marriage, she might face violence for many different reasons, for not bringing enough dowry or for not providing a male heir to the family. If she is unable to conceive, she lives with constant fear that she might be kicked out of the house. Infertility is yet another social stigma for a young woman apart from being abandoned by the husband or being divorced.
The old Hindu texts prescribe that woman needs to be protected in every stage of life, she is protected by her father as a child, by her brothers as a young girl, by her husband through the marriage and by the sons in her old age, the question I often face is, she should be protected against whom? I guess most logical answer is from the other men... but why should that be the case? Why is a woman in India so vulnerable that she can not and should not envisage a safe life without a man? and does presence of man really protect her? and if it does, what about various forms of violence, physical, verbal, emotional, inflicted by this protector on this woman? she has nowhere to go.. because without this protector, her life is even more dangerous.. it is better to be assaulted by one man than being out on the streets and being an easy pray to many...
Sometimes I wonder if we women failed significantly while raising our sons. May be we did not manage to set an example of gender equality through our own lives and actions. If a young boy has only seen how unequal the relationship between his parents has been, it is easy to follow the same steps and continue the same behaviour assuming that is the 'right' thing to do. Well I believe many young men can and have been thinking for themselves and questioning these norms but do they get supported in this endeavour? I guess, their mothers are their first critiques for being 'pro' women. We instructed our daughters to behave morally, to dress sober, to not cross the socially sanctioned limits, but we forgot to make our sons realize that the women around him in every context and relationship are equal to him and should be treated with respect, dignity and honour.. We terribly failed in demystifying masculinity and femininity in everyday life and most importantly we failed to become strength and support of our fellow women. Women often have been biggest critiques and enemies of other women. This has been observed in generations particularly the viscous circle of relationship between the mother in law and the daughter in law. We women have often justified and supported male aggression consciously or unconsciously, we accepted it to be the norm. We never challenged this assumption but rather put the responsibility on women not to provoke the men, either their physical aggression or sexual. It is always heartbreaking to hear women commenting that the woman must have done something to deserve the wrath of a man, how do we explain that?
to be honest, none of this discussion matters.. what I am really keen to understand is how can we make a difference? How can I make a difference in my own life and consequently in life surrounding me? How can I set a positive example for my sons and daughters, for my brothers and sisters, for my friends and colleagues, for men and women in diverse relationships with me and beyond me? My real struggle right now is not to feel angry at men, to not build walls around me and hide in my cocoon, to not make this a battle between men and women.. I want to look for hope, little change agents, people who have challenged the system and made a tiny bit of a difference. I dont want to feel helpless and frustrated and most importantly I dont want to feel angry at myself for being a woman.. it took me a long time to make peace with myself for being a woman.. and I am still not fully there... but the moments like this, I have a strong urge to renounce my womanhood with the hope that it will make life safer and easier.. the question is, do I not deserve to feel safe in spite of being a woman, in spite of my gender, in spite of XX set of sex chromosomes in each cell of my body?
Please forgive me for being mad and upset at the moment. I do not even know who am I writing this letter to? But I know why I am writing this letter. I need to communicate with you, I need to express my anger, my disappointment, my concerns and anguish and most importantly I need to understand your point of view. It just feels as if I don't really know you or comprehend you.. and without this link or communication, we will never be able to work on the issues together...
What am I angry about? Well many things but most important I guess is how women are perceived, treated and exploited in everyday life in most parts of the world. I can only talk about my own experiences from India but I also know that women face similar fate in many parts of the world, the developed and the developing world alike. The most recent trigger for me to explode has been recent case of gang rape in Delhi, the anger and outrage in my country and for last two days, how brutally the police has charged against the protesters. I know this is not a unique incidence, this happens everyday all around us but we just dont see it, dont hear it... we tell ourselves, 'all is well'.. but the fact is all is not well... and I cant keep quiet any more... I know many of my friends and family members are similarly boiling with anger and feel helpless that we dont know how and where to begin to tackle this issue.. we all read the news coverage, we watch the media debate and experts arguing about social, cultural and legal complexities around violence against women... but the question is how do we translate any of this discussion into action? where do we take the first steps? Who do we partner with? and most importantly who are we fighting against?
Right at the beginning, I must clarify something. Though I am addressing this letter to 'men' and women, I am not blaming any one. I know there is a huge variety of men out there, in terms of their ideologies, morality, behaviour and perceptions , in this case regarding how women are seen, perceived and treated. I am also aware of and saddened by the fact that even women can and have been causing serious physical, mental and emotional violence against men. I take the responsibility for this as a member of women's community. I do not want to divide us into two camps, men and women.. rather, I want to just reach out to men and women both and hope that they will help me understand the missing links in this complex social and cultural structure which has supported organized violence against women for centuries. I need to understand your perspective. I need to understand how these incidences affect you. I need to know your reactions and thoughts on how the situation could be improved. I want you to be part of this effort to create a better society where both men and women can live a life free of danger and risks which are attributed to the gender. Since I am most familiar with Indian society, I am going to talk about gender attributed dangers for women in that society... but I am repeating myself again, the issues are more or less universal, they just take a different form in different countries...
We have often taken pride in describing Indian civilization as one of the oldest civilizations on this planet. But oldest doesn't necessarily translate into wisest. One thing that bothers me the most about my country and culture is how women are treated in every walk of life, from religion to politics, from households to work place. I am not going to talk about how much cruelty we have inflicted on women in ancient times, what we have done to our widows and how systematically women were barred from any positions of power, opportunity to learn and freedom of expression. In principle now, women are equal to men in the eyes of Indian constitution, we did not have to wait too long to get the right to vote, we even have affirmative action and reservations in political, educational and public sector jobs but still we are most vulnerable in everyday life just because we are women...
Fight for existence for a woman in India starts even before birth. For many in my society even today, birth of a girl child feels like a burden. Sex selective abortions continue to disrupt natural male to female sex ratio at birth and this is particularly evident in northern India.. Why is a girl seen as a burden? Because you have to pay dowry to marry her off, because she any ways leaves her natal home, so why invest on her? If you dont have a son, you may not reach the heaven as only the son can perform the rituals after death. Because having a daughter adds to vulnerability, girls and women are the first target of destroying honour of the family.. this is often given as a sociological explanation for strong preference for male children in Northern India as most attackers and intruders entered India from the North. We needed a battalion of men to fight these enemies and women just added extra responsibility since they needed to be protected against the attackers... you want to destroy the courage and confidence of men, attack their women, assault them sexually, systematically rape them.. this strategy has been used for centuries all over the world... so why bother giving birth to girls, better that they are not born.. medical technology and ultrasound made it easy.. and many girls in India disappeared even before taking first breath... every person who doesn't see the implications of this, must watch the movie 'Matrubhoomi, a nation without women'... heart wrenching, dark, futuristic story unfolding in a north Indian village... the movie clearly shows how animal like humans can behave.. and how worse than animals can women be treated... this movie troubles me immensely every time I watch it but it also reinforces my intention to fight these societal norms in whatever little ways I can...
What I am going to describe below is a community level aggregate proven through many statistical and epidemiological studies in India. If a girl is still born, there is a very high chance that she will be underweight and malnourished, because food distribution within the family is often unequal. Most of the available food gets served to men and boys and whatever remains is equally divided amongst the women and the girls. It is highly likely that the girl will be brought to health care services much later, in more critical condition than her brothers. It is well known that below five mortality is higher among the girls than the boys and even percentage of vaccinations against vaccine preventable diseases is significantly lower for girls than for the boys. If a family cant afford schooling, it is most likely the girl who gives up her studies. She is expected to behave right, she is the honour of the family.. if she dares to break the norms or falls in love with the guy from another caste or community, it is invariably the young girl who might get killed by her own community and the name given to this brutal tradition is 'honour killing', killing a woman is justified to save the honour of the family. If she rejects a man who believes he loves her, it is quite likely that he might stalk her, stab her to death in public places or even worse, throw acid on her face to teach her a lesson... killing her slowly each day, causing severe injuries not only to her face but attacking her very sense of being a woman. After marriage, she might face violence for many different reasons, for not bringing enough dowry or for not providing a male heir to the family. If she is unable to conceive, she lives with constant fear that she might be kicked out of the house. Infertility is yet another social stigma for a young woman apart from being abandoned by the husband or being divorced.
The old Hindu texts prescribe that woman needs to be protected in every stage of life, she is protected by her father as a child, by her brothers as a young girl, by her husband through the marriage and by the sons in her old age, the question I often face is, she should be protected against whom? I guess most logical answer is from the other men... but why should that be the case? Why is a woman in India so vulnerable that she can not and should not envisage a safe life without a man? and does presence of man really protect her? and if it does, what about various forms of violence, physical, verbal, emotional, inflicted by this protector on this woman? she has nowhere to go.. because without this protector, her life is even more dangerous.. it is better to be assaulted by one man than being out on the streets and being an easy pray to many...
Sometimes I wonder if we women failed significantly while raising our sons. May be we did not manage to set an example of gender equality through our own lives and actions. If a young boy has only seen how unequal the relationship between his parents has been, it is easy to follow the same steps and continue the same behaviour assuming that is the 'right' thing to do. Well I believe many young men can and have been thinking for themselves and questioning these norms but do they get supported in this endeavour? I guess, their mothers are their first critiques for being 'pro' women. We instructed our daughters to behave morally, to dress sober, to not cross the socially sanctioned limits, but we forgot to make our sons realize that the women around him in every context and relationship are equal to him and should be treated with respect, dignity and honour.. We terribly failed in demystifying masculinity and femininity in everyday life and most importantly we failed to become strength and support of our fellow women. Women often have been biggest critiques and enemies of other women. This has been observed in generations particularly the viscous circle of relationship between the mother in law and the daughter in law. We women have often justified and supported male aggression consciously or unconsciously, we accepted it to be the norm. We never challenged this assumption but rather put the responsibility on women not to provoke the men, either their physical aggression or sexual. It is always heartbreaking to hear women commenting that the woman must have done something to deserve the wrath of a man, how do we explain that?
to be honest, none of this discussion matters.. what I am really keen to understand is how can we make a difference? How can I make a difference in my own life and consequently in life surrounding me? How can I set a positive example for my sons and daughters, for my brothers and sisters, for my friends and colleagues, for men and women in diverse relationships with me and beyond me? My real struggle right now is not to feel angry at men, to not build walls around me and hide in my cocoon, to not make this a battle between men and women.. I want to look for hope, little change agents, people who have challenged the system and made a tiny bit of a difference. I dont want to feel helpless and frustrated and most importantly I dont want to feel angry at myself for being a woman.. it took me a long time to make peace with myself for being a woman.. and I am still not fully there... but the moments like this, I have a strong urge to renounce my womanhood with the hope that it will make life safer and easier.. the question is, do I not deserve to feel safe in spite of being a woman, in spite of my gender, in spite of XX set of sex chromosomes in each cell of my body?
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