Last night I guess I took my emotional turmoil to bed with me... last thoughts lingering on my mind were regarding feelings and emotions and how do I learn to express them.. how do I prioritize and stand up strong for my own emotions and feelings as well and not keep them to myself because I believe emotions and feelings of others around me are more important than mine... I basically had devised a perfect recipe for yet another sleepless night...
A friend of mine recently made me see the connection between the heart chakra and the colour green.. the colour that has been predominant in my recent life...I was thinking of green in all other aspects, for its symbolic meaning of rejuvenation, creation of life, abundance, soothing character and calming effect but I had not linked it with emotions yet... and over last four days I am increasingly compelled to reflect on connection between green and my emotions....
Two colours that are really overpowering me in these months are blue and green, most of the times, they start as two distinct entities and slowly just merge into each other and at some other moments they start as one entity and then slowly separate and take their own shape and colour... I see these two colours often in front of my closed eyes when I am really one with myself in my body and soul... and there are shades to it.. from deep turquoise blue to ocean green....sky blue to Prussian blue.. from dull and mossy olive green to bright parrot green... so it seems I am really experiencing deep connection with my heart chakra and throat chakra... the seat for emotions and the seat for expression... there it is.. something that I have to learn.... expressing my emotions and feelings...
The question I was pondering about all night long yesterday was as follows. Do I have difficulty to express all my emotions or a select few? I traversed back in time as far as I could go to see where it began... it was like watching my own life unfolding in front of my eyes again... moments of joy and despair, lightness and extreme pain.... I could let the tears flow out freely... I was alone so did not have to fear about affecting others... I could feel the cold all over me, all around me, all inside me going to the core... but then I noticed something about myself....
I think I have less difficulty in expressing positive emotions... joy, happiness, inspiration, excitement, amusement, hope, gratitude, awe, love, serenity... I really think these I can express much easily... without even having to make conscious efforts... they just overflow out of me once I am filled with them....
but my real struggle is with the negative emotions.... anger, disappointment, fear, loneliness, rejection, pain, anguish, sadness, remorse, guilt, self-blame... and so on... it is interesting that even to name positive and negative emotions is not so clear-cut.. the words that come to my mind are actually objectives and verbs...
I definitely cant express these negative emotions in a constructive way.. I swallow them inside...keep them locked in... assuming that it makes it safer... for the outside world.. I hate conflict and one thing I really need to learn is how to fight right for my own sake.... I am afraid of fights.. really afraid... I can sense impending fight, argument, conflict way ahead in time and my whole body starts shaking.. all I want to do is to get out of that place as quickly as possible... even if it affects me adversely... so over years, there have been so many experiences that have triggered all these emotions in me, but rather than expressing them out, I have taken them inside...and basically destroyed myself... for two reasons... I never learned how to resolve these issues and I just don't have skills or confidence to stand up for myself.... on emotional grounds... the moment I see, someone else is in more emotional struggles than me, I immediately tell myself.. 'shut close your heart which is trying to leak out your own pain too.. you should not bring your own emotions on table to make this all even more complicated... rather try and support the others... give them all love you can, all hope you can, all warmth you can... may be this will eventually take away your own coldness, pain, fear, sense of loss.... and if you cant do this.. get out of the place as quickly as you can.... ' that is how I have lived.. or learned to live... all my life... if I cant bring joy to the world...I withdraw and stay in my cocoon... I cry silently as much as I want... and yes I cry a lot when I am all alone on my own.. but I guess it will take an unprecedented situation for me to break into tears openly...there are very few people around me who have actually seen me cry my heart out... for some reasons, I believe that my emotions are not as important as emotions of others around me, particularly when they are negative emotions...I take them in...as if that is where they belong....
I dont know why I have come to believe that I am not as important as others.. and so are my emotions and feelings... I have always given my entire self to my loved ones, my friends and family but rarely dared to ask for love and emotional support.... to give is so easy... sometimes I just give more than I have... and there is no struggle with that.. but to receive is so hard... that I don't even dare to get in a situation where I might be at the receiving end of emotional strength and support... I guess I really need to develop a healthy ego... to care for myself, to love myself, to nurture and pamper myself.... I have to speak my heart out, I have to learn to voice my pain, my despair, my disappointment, my anger, my sense of being lost and being out of place... I need to dare to make a small opening in my heart to let the accumulated pain out.... not in written words,.. but in spoken words... yes rivers and forests have witnessed my pain and have been my silent partners in the process...but I have to move beyond these safe parters who I believe are unlikely to get affected adversely by my own expression of emotions...who knows may be even rivers and trees cry their silent tears just like me.... I have to risk by trusting other humans that my pain and suffering is not going to drive them away from me.... I dont want to be abandoned yet again... without a trace .... I cant face it.... I dont have strength to face it...
So I have two choices.. go on the way I have till now... or dare to risk.. knowing very well that I might eventually land up being all alone again simply because I chose to risk....... and to be honest, at this moment I dont know which way I am going to walk....we will see...
A friend of mine recently made me see the connection between the heart chakra and the colour green.. the colour that has been predominant in my recent life...I was thinking of green in all other aspects, for its symbolic meaning of rejuvenation, creation of life, abundance, soothing character and calming effect but I had not linked it with emotions yet... and over last four days I am increasingly compelled to reflect on connection between green and my emotions....
Two colours that are really overpowering me in these months are blue and green, most of the times, they start as two distinct entities and slowly just merge into each other and at some other moments they start as one entity and then slowly separate and take their own shape and colour... I see these two colours often in front of my closed eyes when I am really one with myself in my body and soul... and there are shades to it.. from deep turquoise blue to ocean green....sky blue to Prussian blue.. from dull and mossy olive green to bright parrot green... so it seems I am really experiencing deep connection with my heart chakra and throat chakra... the seat for emotions and the seat for expression... there it is.. something that I have to learn.... expressing my emotions and feelings...
The question I was pondering about all night long yesterday was as follows. Do I have difficulty to express all my emotions or a select few? I traversed back in time as far as I could go to see where it began... it was like watching my own life unfolding in front of my eyes again... moments of joy and despair, lightness and extreme pain.... I could let the tears flow out freely... I was alone so did not have to fear about affecting others... I could feel the cold all over me, all around me, all inside me going to the core... but then I noticed something about myself....
I think I have less difficulty in expressing positive emotions... joy, happiness, inspiration, excitement, amusement, hope, gratitude, awe, love, serenity... I really think these I can express much easily... without even having to make conscious efforts... they just overflow out of me once I am filled with them....
but my real struggle is with the negative emotions.... anger, disappointment, fear, loneliness, rejection, pain, anguish, sadness, remorse, guilt, self-blame... and so on... it is interesting that even to name positive and negative emotions is not so clear-cut.. the words that come to my mind are actually objectives and verbs...
I definitely cant express these negative emotions in a constructive way.. I swallow them inside...keep them locked in... assuming that it makes it safer... for the outside world.. I hate conflict and one thing I really need to learn is how to fight right for my own sake.... I am afraid of fights.. really afraid... I can sense impending fight, argument, conflict way ahead in time and my whole body starts shaking.. all I want to do is to get out of that place as quickly as possible... even if it affects me adversely... so over years, there have been so many experiences that have triggered all these emotions in me, but rather than expressing them out, I have taken them inside...and basically destroyed myself... for two reasons... I never learned how to resolve these issues and I just don't have skills or confidence to stand up for myself.... on emotional grounds... the moment I see, someone else is in more emotional struggles than me, I immediately tell myself.. 'shut close your heart which is trying to leak out your own pain too.. you should not bring your own emotions on table to make this all even more complicated... rather try and support the others... give them all love you can, all hope you can, all warmth you can... may be this will eventually take away your own coldness, pain, fear, sense of loss.... and if you cant do this.. get out of the place as quickly as you can.... ' that is how I have lived.. or learned to live... all my life... if I cant bring joy to the world...I withdraw and stay in my cocoon... I cry silently as much as I want... and yes I cry a lot when I am all alone on my own.. but I guess it will take an unprecedented situation for me to break into tears openly...there are very few people around me who have actually seen me cry my heart out... for some reasons, I believe that my emotions are not as important as emotions of others around me, particularly when they are negative emotions...I take them in...as if that is where they belong....
I dont know why I have come to believe that I am not as important as others.. and so are my emotions and feelings... I have always given my entire self to my loved ones, my friends and family but rarely dared to ask for love and emotional support.... to give is so easy... sometimes I just give more than I have... and there is no struggle with that.. but to receive is so hard... that I don't even dare to get in a situation where I might be at the receiving end of emotional strength and support... I guess I really need to develop a healthy ego... to care for myself, to love myself, to nurture and pamper myself.... I have to speak my heart out, I have to learn to voice my pain, my despair, my disappointment, my anger, my sense of being lost and being out of place... I need to dare to make a small opening in my heart to let the accumulated pain out.... not in written words,.. but in spoken words... yes rivers and forests have witnessed my pain and have been my silent partners in the process...but I have to move beyond these safe parters who I believe are unlikely to get affected adversely by my own expression of emotions...who knows may be even rivers and trees cry their silent tears just like me.... I have to risk by trusting other humans that my pain and suffering is not going to drive them away from me.... I dont want to be abandoned yet again... without a trace .... I cant face it.... I dont have strength to face it...
So I have two choices.. go on the way I have till now... or dare to risk.. knowing very well that I might eventually land up being all alone again simply because I chose to risk....... and to be honest, at this moment I dont know which way I am going to walk....we will see...
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