The fire and the snow

They told me fire purifies it all
from within and far beyond..
I believed them and I believed in fire..
and I kept burning all along.

I wore the flames deep blue in colour
I draped them all around
making sure no one will come any closer
and I could be safe on my ground..

It hurt, and it burnt..
but I hardly cared..
I was safe and I was fine
my heart felt spared...

I wont call it purification
but it burnt a lot of me..
It evaporated my tears and
wiped out my screams..

I thought this is what the life is..
and I kept living
hardly in connection with my self
or my emotional being...

I walked a long path..
searching for a safe home..
cooler and far from fire..
where I could feel at home..

As I walk down this path..
snow comes down over me..
slowly cooling me down
like lava merging into the sea...

I fume and I crackle
I cry and I heave..
I shine and I explode
before I manage to grieve..

The snow is over the trees
the snow is all around..
I rest myself finally in peace..
on this snow covered ground..

On my right I see crocuses
Below me are the snow bells
The bugs and the worms around me
along with tiny little snails..

They hold me, they love me
They whisper in my ear..
rest well my darling angel..
there is no reason to fear...

Look deep within yourself..
make peace with the self
hold on to life while you are here
till you emerge from your shell..

You will know when is your time..
you will know when you can grow..
you hold the future within you...
protected under this blanket of snow..

This is not the end of the story..
this is just a tiny little scar..
gather yourself and gather your might...
to reach out to the stars..

You are not the snow white
nor are you a frog..
you are more than what you believe..
don't make yourself so small..


rest well my darling angel..
there is no reason to fear...
Sleep well my darling angel
new day is very near....

The sun, the rain, the snow and the snowbells

This is how I would describe my day today...

After inducing an emotional storm last night at home, at some point in time, I fell deep asleep... only to wake up to clear blue sky this morning.... I felt incredibly light, hopeful and upbeat... there was no trace of tears from the night before... the sun was shining bright... and without looking at the weather forecast, I got ready for work, dressed quite lightly... and even decided to put on my new red leather boots.... that I bought last week...

With music in my ears... I walked out of my apartment... casually dressed, basking in the sun like a butterfly.. I was happy... within five minutes, I realized the weather had taken a major turn...the strong wind pushed me forward.. the sky grew dark and rain started pounding.... I was soaked from head to toe, the glasses covered with raindrops, my hair looked like a wet crow.... I was worried about my new boots... these days I am wearing new things right away, instead of keeping them in cupboard for a year before using them.. and then it had to rain... I was just wishing for rain yesterday.. because it is easier for me to cry in the rain... the rain came down.. but no tears... instead, I had a silly smile on my face.. I really love soaking up the sun... however cold that may be.... so I walked to the office enjoying rain... humming to myself, jumping in the puddles and splashing water around wherever I could making sure that no one was at the receiving end of my water splashes.... by the time i reached office, I looked like a clown, hilarious.... my colleagues started laughing at me... and few even warned me.. against catching flue again....

I have a new office, with a big window.. overlooking the library... as I organized my new office, I kept observing the rain, at some point there was sun and the rain at the same time... I started looking for rainbow.. but there was none... I love rainbows... I can go insane with joy at the sight of rainbow... and I like Basel as I often get to see rainbows here....

by 4pm, weather took yet another turn... it started snowing.. the snow flakes of size of feathers... my colleague told me about a German fairy tale... it says that snow flakes come down when some lady in the sky is brushing and dusting her feather blankets... hahhaha I like that idea... I was trying to visualize this big blanket filled with snow feathers in the sky... I wanted to catch some lakes in my palms... and keep them safe.. snowflakes.... I love snowflakes... I spent quite some time watching the snowflakes.... dearly missing Nuria and her imagination of army of white bugs attacking the earth.... I want to see colourful snow fakes.. is that even possible? If I could colour the snow flakes.. what colour will I splash on them... sky blue, light pink, deep purple, olive green, lemon yellow... I dont even mind a mix of different colours in my snow flakes... hmmm that will be a pretty sight.... at some point, I could no longer sit in my office... and decided to walk home in heavy snow... literally playing with the snow flakes, tossing them around, catching them in my palms, releasing them gently, talking to them, making fun of them, swirling my arms around.....I love to catch snow flakes on the tip of my nose... it is a fun thing to do.. I just have to make sure that I don't bump into a car, or a human being or a lamp post while attempting that task.....

Snow makes me happy.... If a snow flake could talk to me, what stories will it tell me? I was walking on the street lost in my own thoughts.. and walked past the area where last week, I was elated to see snow bells blooming... snow bells are my favourite flowers.. tiny, angel like and symbols of hope.... my snow bells are already dying.... I suddenly felt sad....they came to the surface way ahead of time.. were they too curious to see the world above the ground... but that was not worth the effort.... anything that happens prematurely is probably dangerous in its own ways...a surgery professor of mine had warned me ten years ago... to slow down.. or he said, i will have to retire at 35.... I wont retire at 35.. but it seems parts of my body took that warning too seriously.. and decided to opt for early retirement.... can I turn back time? Is there an undo button to our body functions? why was I in such a rush to become a 'Gray lotus'? and now that I have become one, I realize, I was in too much of a rush..just like my snow bells....  I should have taken my time....I should have enjoyed being a child when  I was a child and I should have celebrated myself for being a woman when I was a woman.... I have made a mistake... and in the process have lost something meaningful.. but there is still a lot out there to explore and experience about my womanhood, about my femininity, my sensuality and sexuality... and I wont give up on that so easily.. I will definitely not loose hope on myself so easily....I will not cease to live, to laugh, to love, to thrive, to fly so quickly.... rather this experience makes me determined to live life each day like never before.. to dream, to feel, to express, to enjoy, to dance, to learn, to sing and to just be... a vital loving and living force of life.... Carpe Diem.. that is my new mantra for life....

Cry Priya Cry...

Crying is cathartic!!!

Only words she wrote in bold letters....

I exactly know what she is trying to tell me and I trust her.. but I simply cant cry....

At this moment, I really want to cry, I need to cry... I am choking and exploding inside.. but I cant cry...

There are moments when I feel I am going to burst into tears.. almost like the sensation one gets just before sneezing... but then I fail.... something shuts my tears closed... My most successful attempt this morning was while walking to office.. on an empty street... when no one was around.. I could cry.... I could let my tears flow... it was triggered by an email from a girl friend of mine...but as I approached the office, tears disappeared as quickly as they started streaming down in first place.. and my iron mask was back on my face....

I went about my day as if nothing has happened.. almost mechanically... managed to be as social with my colleagues as I could... any ways I am not known to be a very social person at work ...afternoon I had to pack the kitchen.... since we are moving the office... dishes and glasses, bowls and cups, sugar and tea... spoons and forks.. mechanical work, pull things out, wrap them in paper, arrange them in big cartons and label the boxes.. I kept working almost mechanically... lost in my own thoughts... figuring out missing pieces of my story, where did it start? When did it begin? Why it happened?

I am not a survivor of childhood cancer, I don't have a family history, I do not smoke, I am not aware of being exposed to heavy radiation, except whatever we had in the hospital... why me? Big question, which will never get answered... I am just one of those less than 1% of women below 40 years of age... I am just part of the statistics... but then I am also likely to be part of other statistics.. for example, now I have significantly increased chance of premature death... one medical paper informed me this morning... hmmm how do I feel about that? what does it mean by premature death? Must be based on aggregate.. but which populations aggregate... and do I fit in that reference population.... Why is it disturbing me? Why is it shaking me up?

Am I not fascinated by death? Just like I am fascinated by old age... did I not want to be a Gray lotus as quickly as I could... then why am I shivering now with fear, uncertainty, sense of loss... given that my wish is partially fulfilled... they always say think what you are wishing for.... your wishes are quite powerful.. I know that is true.. it seems like I have managed to shut down the production of hormones, with my strong wish to be old... not just one but a whole system of hormones, starting from my hypothalamus and pituitary gland in the brain all the way down to my ovaries.... sometimes it is documented that strong emotional blow can knock down the hormonal system.... was that the reason in my case... I took a careful look at my cycle records... 2010.... that is when the problems began... in my life and within my body... the records in my excel sheet beautifully correlate with my emotional state at that moment... the intervals became longer, gradually, the days became shorter... and body started manifesting other symptoms... My first consultation with a doctor was within 3 months of observing the disturbance.... but I was told, I am thinking too much and stress can cause these changes, especially the stress of uprooting myself from one culture and trying to build a life in a new culture... 40% of women with this situation never got investigated early on... they have often visited 3 or more doctors before someone finally prescribes detailed investigation.... it took me 3 years and four doctors to be finally worked up in details... I have fitted perfectly in yet another statistic... I dropped a cup.... I must have momentarily lost my focus... the white cup broke into many tiny pieces.... my colleagues came asking...'what did you break?'... I wanted to answer... ' i am broken, at least temporarily...' but I did not....

Coming back to tears.... I have hard time to cry.... I should clarify... I can be easily moved to tears... I can cry for a bird, a flower, a little dog, a touching movie, or a book, a fabulous meal, any emotional situation, pain and suffering of anyone around me... loss and sorrow of people that I may or may not know... the events that have unfolded miles away from me can break me down into tears... but I cant cry for myself.. for my own sake.... I find it too egoistic, too self-absorbed .. I am convinced that my suffering,  my pain, my sorrow, my loss is insignificant and not a deal at all as compared to all that people around me are going through... total rejection... and anger towards myself for feeling sad... for needing attention, craving for love and support... I should be strong... no matter what.. but why.... why cant I be weak and vulnerable.... why do I need to be in control all the time... why am I so scared to ask for attention.. crying gets you attention.... I don't want my loved ones to see my pain... I don't want to affect them... I don't want to be a burden on anyone... so I chose not to cry.... to try and be strong.. and often.... I can even say always... I have managed to project this 'stupid and irrelevant and destructive' strength of mine... and determination to the outside world when deep inside I was weaker than the drying leaf on autumn tree.. needed just one little pull and I had a free fall .. hardly anyone could suspect that I am falling apart deep within me... to the extreme that even when I was vocalizing my need for support, people around me could not believe it and these were not just any people, these were people who had known me for the longest time... they were so sure that I will be fine... I am too strong to fall apart they said... but that was not the case.. I fell apart completely... to pieces.. that could hardly be put together again...

Have I not learned my lesson? It took me years to deal with that break down... may be that lonely battle to stay afloat 3 years ago has caused this 'pause' in my life... and still I am struggling to express my emotions... to feel my pain, loss... to cry... why do I still try and argue with myself that my suffering is not a suffering at all... I have no right to feel pain or loss... I have invited this on myself so I should not cry... I am being a sympathy seeker if I ask for help, attention, love and support.... where does all this self talk and self criticism come from? What can I do to silence this 'cruel' voice within me.... how do I cry.... bravely, openly, without inhibitions, without fear... I want to cry for myself... I need to cry for my own well-being... I need to learn to cry... rather than swallowing my pain and tears.. I don't want to wait for another heavy rain... because it is easy for me to cry in the rain... where my tears can be just perceived as raindrops drenching me from the head to toe... why am I so ashamed of my tears...

Julia, I know tears are cathartic... what I don't know is how to induce that catharsis....

Agnes

I met Agnes last evening.. quite by chance... The day had turned out so beautifully.. that this evening plan felt like a icing on a cake.. and then Agnes has to be the cherry on that icing..

Agnes is a character from animation film 'Despicable me'..She is about 4 years old, the youngest of three girls... big brown eyes and long straight black hair, she is amazingly funny and at the same time hungry for love... she with her book of bed time story literally stole my heart... and she made me laugh and cry at the same time... watching her on the screen for about 2 hours brought the deepest pain to the surface but she also made me laugh and inspired me to continue writing... I am glad that I was light-headed last night.. or I would have surely cried... and I dont like to cry...

Agnes confronted me in more than one ways... especially at this point in time when I am at difficult crossroads in life... Agnes reminded me of my little notebook... that I started preparing in the Netherlands about 2 years ago... a little notebook for my 'imaginary' daughter (Janneke)... introducing her to Dutch life... among the ponies and horses, the canals, the dykes, the tulips, stroop waffles and pancakes...at that  point, I thought I would stay in the Netherlands and probably my daughter will be raised there. Janneke is a famous character from series of Dutch Children story books, Jip and Janneke...  The notebook is still sitting in my carton of books in the Netherlands... but yesterday watching Agnes brought back memories of Janneke and all the associated dreams seen with open eyes... almost naively... my troubles had already started while I was visualizing this darling daughter of mine...Agnes made me ache for a daughter...

I always wanted to raise a daughter.. why, I cant give precise answers... or reasons.. but I truly wanted to raise a daughter into a strong woman, the one who believes in herself, who sees her own beauty, who speaks up, who stands up for herself, who is strong but yet gentle and tender, who is amazingly loving but also knows not to forget herself while loving others... who can laugh and who can cry, who is not afraid of dreaming, who is not scared by any challenges.. who knows what she wants and who dares to take a stand even if that choice turns her world upside down....

May be, this is the kind of woman I myself wanted to become, i still hope to become...was I just projecting my own aspirations for myself on this daughter of mine? Did I want to experience a transformation in me while I provided this little girl an environment to grow into an extraordinary woman? I have been strong opponent of sex selection all my life.... but in my personal life, I always rooted for, hoped for, dreamt about a daughter... I guess that is also a sex selection of some sort.. but the underlying motivations are strikingly different.

Meeting Agnes last evening was special.. because till then I had thought, I was fine.. I had accepted the diagnosis... I was going to make sure that I make informed choices of my medical treatment... I really thought I had put handle on the situation... but nope... I had not... I was confronted, I was deeply sad, I was angry and I felt immense sense of loss..I was really angry at myself for investing myself emotionally so much in this unborn daughter of mine... 'if you have never tasted a chocolate, you dont feel sad not to have one'... Why did I dream so big? and if the dream was so important.. what was I waiting for till this age... did I think, the nature was going to manifest my dream even when I neglected its own pace and logic?

While training counsellors for HIV and STIs... we often discussed phases a person goes through when confronted with a diagnosis that was not expected.. anger, denial, disbelief, 'why me?', helplessness, sadness, fear of the future, fear of death, concerns about family, and eventually acceptance and making appropriate choices.... the process is never cyclic or linear and the stages don't necessarily follow the same order.. a person might even go through the same phase number of times...

now I have to observe my own emotional spectrum for these stages... for my deep emotions, the one that I am good at hiding, the pain, the tears, the sense of loss... there will be days filled with unlimited potentials, hopes, dreams and choices and there will be days when I wont be able to explain my blue state of mind... and both are equally true description of my emotional state... how do I accept both? How do I love myself with both? How do I believe that I will transition through this challenge as well... what do I learn through the process... I cry as I write this and hot flash engulfs my body... can it not evaporate my tears so that they dont leave a visible mark?

That is when I am going to make Agnes my inspiration....a reminder not to loose hope, to love and to laugh and to be crazy about her Unicorn, the one that she feels is so soft that she would die...  I see so many facets of Agnes in myself... will she hold my hand as I walk this path ahead of me... will she make me laugh when I am lost and defeated... will she ask me to read her a bed time story? I would love to do that... a bed time story... I would do it a thousand times.. to all the agneses around the world... to all the kids around the globe who love bed time stories... just as much as I do...

Agnes, I promise I wont give up on writing for you or Janneke or Zoe or Anoushka... I shall write even more... that way I can still connect with my daughter and daughters around the world.... I love you girl and I always will....that is my pinky promise.... :-)