Crying is cathartic!!!
Only words she wrote in bold letters....
I exactly know what she is trying to tell me and I trust her.. but I simply cant cry....
At this moment, I really want to cry, I need to cry... I am choking and exploding inside.. but I cant cry...
There are moments when I feel I am going to burst into tears.. almost like the sensation one gets just before sneezing... but then I fail.... something shuts my tears closed... My most successful attempt this morning was while walking to office.. on an empty street... when no one was around.. I could cry.... I could let my tears flow... it was triggered by an email from a girl friend of mine...but as I approached the office, tears disappeared as quickly as they started streaming down in first place.. and my iron mask was back on my face....
I went about my day as if nothing has happened.. almost mechanically... managed to be as social with my colleagues as I could... any ways I am not known to be a very social person at work ...afternoon I had to pack the kitchen.... since we are moving the office... dishes and glasses, bowls and cups, sugar and tea... spoons and forks.. mechanical work, pull things out, wrap them in paper, arrange them in big cartons and label the boxes.. I kept working almost mechanically... lost in my own thoughts... figuring out missing pieces of my story, where did it start? When did it begin? Why it happened?
I am not a survivor of childhood cancer, I don't have a family history, I do not smoke, I am not aware of being exposed to heavy radiation, except whatever we had in the hospital... why me? Big question, which will never get answered... I am just one of those less than 1% of women below 40 years of age... I am just part of the statistics... but then I am also likely to be part of other statistics.. for example, now I have significantly increased chance of premature death... one medical paper informed me this morning... hmmm how do I feel about that? what does it mean by premature death? Must be based on aggregate.. but which populations aggregate... and do I fit in that reference population.... Why is it disturbing me? Why is it shaking me up?
Am I not fascinated by death? Just like I am fascinated by old age... did I not want to be a Gray lotus as quickly as I could... then why am I shivering now with fear, uncertainty, sense of loss... given that my wish is partially fulfilled... they always say think what you are wishing for.... your wishes are quite powerful.. I know that is true.. it seems like I have managed to shut down the production of hormones, with my strong wish to be old... not just one but a whole system of hormones, starting from my hypothalamus and pituitary gland in the brain all the way down to my ovaries.... sometimes it is documented that strong emotional blow can knock down the hormonal system.... was that the reason in my case... I took a careful look at my cycle records... 2010.... that is when the problems began... in my life and within my body... the records in my excel sheet beautifully correlate with my emotional state at that moment... the intervals became longer, gradually, the days became shorter... and body started manifesting other symptoms... My first consultation with a doctor was within 3 months of observing the disturbance.... but I was told, I am thinking too much and stress can cause these changes, especially the stress of uprooting myself from one culture and trying to build a life in a new culture... 40% of women with this situation never got investigated early on... they have often visited 3 or more doctors before someone finally prescribes detailed investigation.... it took me 3 years and four doctors to be finally worked up in details... I have fitted perfectly in yet another statistic... I dropped a cup.... I must have momentarily lost my focus... the white cup broke into many tiny pieces.... my colleagues came asking...'what did you break?'... I wanted to answer... ' i am broken, at least temporarily...' but I did not....
Coming back to tears.... I have hard time to cry.... I should clarify... I can be easily moved to tears... I can cry for a bird, a flower, a little dog, a touching movie, or a book, a fabulous meal, any emotional situation, pain and suffering of anyone around me... loss and sorrow of people that I may or may not know... the events that have unfolded miles away from me can break me down into tears... but I cant cry for myself.. for my own sake.... I find it too egoistic, too self-absorbed .. I am convinced that my suffering, my pain, my sorrow, my loss is insignificant and not a deal at all as compared to all that people around me are going through... total rejection... and anger towards myself for feeling sad... for needing attention, craving for love and support... I should be strong... no matter what.. but why.... why cant I be weak and vulnerable.... why do I need to be in control all the time... why am I so scared to ask for attention.. crying gets you attention.... I don't want my loved ones to see my pain... I don't want to affect them... I don't want to be a burden on anyone... so I chose not to cry.... to try and be strong.. and often.... I can even say always... I have managed to project this 'stupid and irrelevant and destructive' strength of mine... and determination to the outside world when deep inside I was weaker than the drying leaf on autumn tree.. needed just one little pull and I had a free fall .. hardly anyone could suspect that I am falling apart deep within me... to the extreme that even when I was vocalizing my need for support, people around me could not believe it and these were not just any people, these were people who had known me for the longest time... they were so sure that I will be fine... I am too strong to fall apart they said... but that was not the case.. I fell apart completely... to pieces.. that could hardly be put together again...
Have I not learned my lesson? It took me years to deal with that break down... may be that lonely battle to stay afloat 3 years ago has caused this 'pause' in my life... and still I am struggling to express my emotions... to feel my pain, loss... to cry... why do I still try and argue with myself that my suffering is not a suffering at all... I have no right to feel pain or loss... I have invited this on myself so I should not cry... I am being a sympathy seeker if I ask for help, attention, love and support.... where does all this self talk and self criticism come from? What can I do to silence this 'cruel' voice within me.... how do I cry.... bravely, openly, without inhibitions, without fear... I want to cry for myself... I need to cry for my own well-being... I need to learn to cry... rather than swallowing my pain and tears.. I don't want to wait for another heavy rain... because it is easy for me to cry in the rain... where my tears can be just perceived as raindrops drenching me from the head to toe... why am I so ashamed of my tears...
Julia, I know tears are cathartic... what I don't know is how to induce that catharsis....
Only words she wrote in bold letters....
I exactly know what she is trying to tell me and I trust her.. but I simply cant cry....
At this moment, I really want to cry, I need to cry... I am choking and exploding inside.. but I cant cry...
There are moments when I feel I am going to burst into tears.. almost like the sensation one gets just before sneezing... but then I fail.... something shuts my tears closed... My most successful attempt this morning was while walking to office.. on an empty street... when no one was around.. I could cry.... I could let my tears flow... it was triggered by an email from a girl friend of mine...but as I approached the office, tears disappeared as quickly as they started streaming down in first place.. and my iron mask was back on my face....
I went about my day as if nothing has happened.. almost mechanically... managed to be as social with my colleagues as I could... any ways I am not known to be a very social person at work ...afternoon I had to pack the kitchen.... since we are moving the office... dishes and glasses, bowls and cups, sugar and tea... spoons and forks.. mechanical work, pull things out, wrap them in paper, arrange them in big cartons and label the boxes.. I kept working almost mechanically... lost in my own thoughts... figuring out missing pieces of my story, where did it start? When did it begin? Why it happened?
I am not a survivor of childhood cancer, I don't have a family history, I do not smoke, I am not aware of being exposed to heavy radiation, except whatever we had in the hospital... why me? Big question, which will never get answered... I am just one of those less than 1% of women below 40 years of age... I am just part of the statistics... but then I am also likely to be part of other statistics.. for example, now I have significantly increased chance of premature death... one medical paper informed me this morning... hmmm how do I feel about that? what does it mean by premature death? Must be based on aggregate.. but which populations aggregate... and do I fit in that reference population.... Why is it disturbing me? Why is it shaking me up?
Am I not fascinated by death? Just like I am fascinated by old age... did I not want to be a Gray lotus as quickly as I could... then why am I shivering now with fear, uncertainty, sense of loss... given that my wish is partially fulfilled... they always say think what you are wishing for.... your wishes are quite powerful.. I know that is true.. it seems like I have managed to shut down the production of hormones, with my strong wish to be old... not just one but a whole system of hormones, starting from my hypothalamus and pituitary gland in the brain all the way down to my ovaries.... sometimes it is documented that strong emotional blow can knock down the hormonal system.... was that the reason in my case... I took a careful look at my cycle records... 2010.... that is when the problems began... in my life and within my body... the records in my excel sheet beautifully correlate with my emotional state at that moment... the intervals became longer, gradually, the days became shorter... and body started manifesting other symptoms... My first consultation with a doctor was within 3 months of observing the disturbance.... but I was told, I am thinking too much and stress can cause these changes, especially the stress of uprooting myself from one culture and trying to build a life in a new culture... 40% of women with this situation never got investigated early on... they have often visited 3 or more doctors before someone finally prescribes detailed investigation.... it took me 3 years and four doctors to be finally worked up in details... I have fitted perfectly in yet another statistic... I dropped a cup.... I must have momentarily lost my focus... the white cup broke into many tiny pieces.... my colleagues came asking...'what did you break?'... I wanted to answer... ' i am broken, at least temporarily...' but I did not....
Coming back to tears.... I have hard time to cry.... I should clarify... I can be easily moved to tears... I can cry for a bird, a flower, a little dog, a touching movie, or a book, a fabulous meal, any emotional situation, pain and suffering of anyone around me... loss and sorrow of people that I may or may not know... the events that have unfolded miles away from me can break me down into tears... but I cant cry for myself.. for my own sake.... I find it too egoistic, too self-absorbed .. I am convinced that my suffering, my pain, my sorrow, my loss is insignificant and not a deal at all as compared to all that people around me are going through... total rejection... and anger towards myself for feeling sad... for needing attention, craving for love and support... I should be strong... no matter what.. but why.... why cant I be weak and vulnerable.... why do I need to be in control all the time... why am I so scared to ask for attention.. crying gets you attention.... I don't want my loved ones to see my pain... I don't want to affect them... I don't want to be a burden on anyone... so I chose not to cry.... to try and be strong.. and often.... I can even say always... I have managed to project this 'stupid and irrelevant and destructive' strength of mine... and determination to the outside world when deep inside I was weaker than the drying leaf on autumn tree.. needed just one little pull and I had a free fall .. hardly anyone could suspect that I am falling apart deep within me... to the extreme that even when I was vocalizing my need for support, people around me could not believe it and these were not just any people, these were people who had known me for the longest time... they were so sure that I will be fine... I am too strong to fall apart they said... but that was not the case.. I fell apart completely... to pieces.. that could hardly be put together again...
Have I not learned my lesson? It took me years to deal with that break down... may be that lonely battle to stay afloat 3 years ago has caused this 'pause' in my life... and still I am struggling to express my emotions... to feel my pain, loss... to cry... why do I still try and argue with myself that my suffering is not a suffering at all... I have no right to feel pain or loss... I have invited this on myself so I should not cry... I am being a sympathy seeker if I ask for help, attention, love and support.... where does all this self talk and self criticism come from? What can I do to silence this 'cruel' voice within me.... how do I cry.... bravely, openly, without inhibitions, without fear... I want to cry for myself... I need to cry for my own well-being... I need to learn to cry... rather than swallowing my pain and tears.. I don't want to wait for another heavy rain... because it is easy for me to cry in the rain... where my tears can be just perceived as raindrops drenching me from the head to toe... why am I so ashamed of my tears...
Julia, I know tears are cathartic... what I don't know is how to induce that catharsis....
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