This is how I would describe my day today...After inducing an emotional storm last night at home, at some point in time, I fell deep asleep... only to wake up to clear blue sky this morning.... I felt incredibly light, hopeful and upbeat... there was no trace of tears from the night before... the sun was shining bright... and without looking at the weather forecast, I got ready for work, dressed quite lightly... and even decided to put on my new red leather boots.... that I bought last week...
With music in my ears... I walked out of my apartment... casually dressed, basking in the sun like a butterfly.. I was happy... within five minutes, I realized the weather had taken a major turn...the strong wind pushed me forward.. the sky grew dark and rain started pounding.... I was soaked from head to toe, the glasses covered with raindrops, my hair looked like a wet crow.... I was worried about my new boots... these days I am wearing new things right away, instead of keeping them in cupboard for a year before using them.. and then it had to rain... I was just wishing for rain yesterday.. because it is easier for me to cry in the rain... the rain came down.. but no tears... instead, I had a silly smile on my face.. I really love soaking up the sun... however cold that may be.... so I walked to the office enjoying rain... humming to myself, jumping in the puddles and splashing water around wherever I could making sure that no one was at the receiving end of my water splashes.... by the time i reached office, I looked like a clown, hilarious.... my colleagues started laughing at me... and few even warned me.. against catching flue again....
I have a new office, with a big window.. overlooking the library... as I organized my new office, I kept observing the rain, at some point there was sun and the rain at the same time... I started looking for rainbow.. but there was none... I love rainbows... I can go insane with joy at the sight of rainbow... and I like Basel as I often get to see rainbows here....
by 4pm, weather took yet another turn... it started snowing.. the snow flakes of size of feathers... my colleague told me about a German fairy tale... it says that snow flakes come down when some lady in the sky is brushing and dusting her feather blankets... hahhaha I like that idea... I was trying to visualize this big blanket filled with snow feathers in the sky... I wanted to catch some lakes in my palms... and keep them safe.. snowflakes.... I love snowflakes... I spent quite some time watching the snowflakes.... dearly missing Nuria and her imagination of army of white bugs attacking the earth.... I want to see colourful snow fakes.. is that even possible? If I could colour the snow flakes.. what colour will I splash on them... sky blue, light pink, deep purple, olive green, lemon yellow... I dont even mind a mix of different colours in my snow flakes... hmmm that will be a pretty sight.... at some point, I could no longer sit in my office... and decided to walk home in heavy snow... literally playing with the snow flakes, tossing them around, catching them in my palms, releasing them gently, talking to them, making fun of them, swirling my arms around.....I love to catch snow flakes on the tip of my nose... it is a fun thing to do.. I just have to make sure that I don't bump into a car, or a human being or a lamp post while attempting that task.....
Snow makes me happy.... If a snow flake could talk to me, what stories will it tell me? I was walking on the street lost in my own thoughts.. and walked past the area where last week, I was elated to see snow bells blooming... snow bells are my favourite flowers.. tiny, angel like and symbols of hope.... my snow bells are already dying.... I suddenly felt sad....they came to the surface way ahead of time.. were they too curious to see the world above the ground... but that was not worth the effort.... anything that happens prematurely is probably dangerous in its own ways...a surgery professor of mine had warned me ten years ago... to slow down.. or he said, i will have to retire at 35.... I wont retire at 35.. but it seems parts of my body took that warning too seriously.. and decided to opt for early retirement.... can I turn back time? Is there an undo button to our body functions? why was I in such a rush to become a 'Gray lotus'? and now that I have become one, I realize, I was in too much of a rush..just like my snow bells.... I should have taken my time....I should have enjoyed being a child when I was a child and I should have celebrated myself for being a woman when I was a woman.... I have made a mistake... and in the process have lost something meaningful.. but there is still a lot out there to explore and experience about my womanhood, about my femininity, my sensuality and sexuality... and I wont give up on that so easily.. I will definitely not loose hope on myself so easily....I will not cease to live, to laugh, to love, to thrive, to fly so quickly.... rather this experience makes me determined to live life each day like never before.. to dream, to feel, to express, to enjoy, to dance, to learn, to sing and to just be... a vital loving and living force of life.... Carpe Diem.. that is my new mantra for life....
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