India and her untouchables

The title of this blog post is strikingly different than all other posts on this blog. To understand its origins, I need to take you through a conversation i had with my classmates this afternoon on lunch table. This is how it started.

After writing an exam, we (my classmates) decided to go to a nearby Indonesian restaurant for Lunch. People were tired and hence wanted some change of environment, no more student cafeteria, we wanted to have real lunch. I shared my table with three other ladies, from Philippines, Indonesia and south Korea. My classmate from South Korea is here with her nine year old son. It must be quite a challenge but at the same time very interesting for mother and the child to go to their respective schools together. At least that is what, an outsider, independent 'professional student' like me can think of. Her son goes to international school here in Arnhem.

This semester, her son is going to study about India and my friend told me about one particular assignment on India that had significant impact on her son. Her son was asked to write a diary of his everyday life experience and his dreams and aspirations about life assuming that he is a son of poor untouchable Indian family and he has to help his father clean toilets so that he and his family can have some food to eat. She used the word 'Dalit' and she knew from her son that this is the lowest social class in India.

Her son wrote the plight of the life of this boy in every day life in his diary. On one page, he described how terrible he feels when he has to have his meal while having to clean toilets. The smells, the discrimination, the shame, it all made into the narrative of this boy as written by a south Korean child of same age who has probably never imagined something like that. She said, her son felt overwhelmed and helpless regarding this dalit boy but in his diary he gave the story a twist. His diary has a strong commitment on part of this boy to get out of this marginalization, to stand on his own feet, to gain honor and respect, the boy is working very hard, he studies very hard because he wants to become a scientist. He wants to raise himself and his family from this tabooed life of being untouchables in India.

Don't we find this narrative quite familiar? Here it is about cast and social class difference, but for many Indians, it is our hard work and academic excellence, that helps us raise above our status, get out of poverty, make something substantial out of our life. My friend wanted to know if we are still so divided as a society. She has read recent articles reporting on going social discrimination based on caste in India. I did not have easy answers for her and at the same time, I could not deny her questions. I felt responsible for still existing social evils like caste politics. I am very much aware of centuries of discrimination of lower casts and classes by the upper castes and I am of honest opinion that having reservations in educational institutes, government jobs and parliamentary are not enough to do justice for our actions that took away their humanity for centuries. But still this conversation haunted me for two important reasons.

First, lets think about this south Korean boy. He is nine, this is perfect age to get strong imprints on your mind. From his mother's story it was clear that he was affected by this whole story of untouchables and the assignment he had to write. May be this episode will have a lasting impact on his mind and will permanently shape his impressions about India. He may forget everything about India that he learned at age of nine, but this dalit boy would continue to remain with him as he grows old. India might automatically get linked with the plight of this dalit boy in the mind of this Korean child. I am not concerned if American children think of India and Indians as people who are likely to take away their jobs in future but something disturbed me to think of this Korean boy associating India with its untouchables, something that he learned about in an international school in the Netherlands.

This story also affected me in number of ways. I have been complimented many times by others for being from India, for various reasons, for its fast growing economy, for its brainy people, for its information technology power-hub, for its spirituality and for it being a largest functional democracy. I politely accepted those compliments but I have never felt the way I felt today, I almost felt as if I was shown a mirror to reflect at and to question myself, what India I am seeing in this mirror? Who am I not even bothered to look at? Who do not exist in my image of India and what are the reasons for the same? When I talk about India, which India I am talking about, the economic power of early 21st century or the India that is talked about in the textbook of this Korean boy?

I know that India is too vast and too complex to be answered in such simple ways but I need to find answers for myself. How do I understand India and how do I understand myself as an Indian. Questions to mule over and quests for life time wait ahead for me. Thanks to this Korean boy for shaking up my sleeping soul.

Legally Blonde

I love watching movies and movies are my therapy when I am feeling low and depressed. Yesterday was a nightmare, being accused by a friend for not caring for someone that I really cared for. I do not know why, I cant detach myself from such accusations. Why is it that all the criticism I take seriously even when I know that the criticism is not valid but on the other hand, i find it extremely hard to accept a genuine compliment. I spent whole of yesterday feeling guilty,blaming myself and crying.

Two hours ago, I suddenly remembered my favorite film and I decided to watch it again. Trust me, this movie always helps. I think I watched it for the fourth or fifth time but it works magic. Elle Woodes. In real life, I am far from that character in many ways but at the same time there are many qualities of hers that I recognize in myself. I am not blonde (in terms of my hair colour) but I feel I am dumb in many practical and crucial aspects of life where Elle is an ace. I so love her character, her passion for life, and her empathy towards the others. She is smart, she speaks her heart, she is genuine and she does win people's heart. She was humiliated time and again and she was isolated by most 'elite' Harvard law students but she persists and perseveres. She lives by her values and wont compromise with them at any cost. The secrets of her friends are safe with her. What I admire about her the most is that she is comfortable in her own skin, she doesn't care about what other's have to say about her most of the time but gets terribly hurt when a senior colleague appreciates her not for her intelligence and wit but for her beauty and body.

I want to be like Elle Woodes. I want to be myself, not someone who is bogged down by what people have assumed about me, or what they have to say about me. I must know who I am and not wait for people to validate my goodness. I know I am not selfish, I know I care for my loved ones and my friends. Why do I have to feel dejected by the accusations made by others every now and then? How many more months and years, I am going to torment myself to be accepted by the people who do not see any real value in me? Elle Woodes, I owe you this one. You made me smile again. You reminded me what is important and worth aspiring at and what should be out of my life. Thank you girl for being the ray of light in that darkness.

Nijmegen, life skills and walking on ice

'Start Again' is really my word for now. I moved to Nijmegen, a university town in the Netherlands almost on German border. I had so much of belongings that a professor had to drove me down with all my bags and baggages. We still could not bring along my bike. The two hour road drive from Amsterdam to Nijmegen was a feast of thoughts and discussions. I talked nonstop, about my meditation experience, my upcoming thesis, my classmates and how nostalgic i still feel about Amsterdam. The registration at university was smooth walk, so was signing of new housing contract and finding my apartment. Thanks to a dutch guide who almost became my companion for the day in moving and starting a new life. We spent some time setting up my place and more talks followed over dutch dinner of bread, cheese and tea. First meal in my new apartment. I have lost track of how many times I have moved places in last one year. Each new place and I have to start organizing my life all over again, find the grocery stores, figure out my way to the school, befriend the 'cooking stove' and finally make new social contacts. In Nijmegen, I have just begun and I am already liking the place.

Nijmegen is the oldest city in the Netherlands, almost 2000 years old which makes it comparable to places like Varanasi in India. Whatever little I have seen around me here in last two days, the city has her own charm. There is some sort of predetermined plan that I am staying in very 'spiritual' apartment complexes. First it was beautiful medieval Groot Begijnhof and now it is Westerhelling, an old monastery in the woods converted into student housing. Bosweg, a street nearby indicates the presence of woods which are right now just leafless and life less trees and ice. But I can visualize how this neighborhood will look in the summer or spring. We are also situated on a bit of a hill as compared to other areas and that makes it even more special. The walkways in this city are right now dangerous due to ice, very slippery and scary. I have never watched my step so carefully ever in my life the way I do here. May be not true, i took similar care while trekking in Himalayas at 17000 feet but here one wrong step and a terrible fall will follow. It seems the city has ran out of salt to sprinkle on the roads. I so terribly miss my bike, i need her urgently. I might bring her home this weekend. One could ask why not rent a new bike in Nijmegen? Well it is a good question and probably wise thing to do but I need 'my' bike, I have a strange connection with her. I got used to her and feel confident that with her I am safe. I want to explore Nijmegen on the same bike that I explored Amsterdam with. She is my metonymic connection with freedom, with being myself. Other reason which is equally valid is that i get to go to Amsterdam where I have such rich social life, great friends and hours of great conversations over food. I feel like Amsterdam girl and it is going to be a challenge to control my urges to run to Amsterdam at every single opportunity. I want to make Nijmegen my new home, new comfort zone for next few months and I need to find an Asian grocery store nearby, or you might find me visiting Amsterdam to buy some lentils or very specific Indian food products and groceries.

Let me tell you about another very important insight I had in recent days. I lack certain life skills completely. For example, though, I have been constantly on a move, I do not know how to read maps and follow the directions. I just do not have faculty in my brain required to interpret those complex maps and find my way around. I have a potential to get lost in my neighborhood even after a month long stay. I do not know how to swim, that is another big deficiency in my life skills and worst is the fact that I do not know how to drive. Driving stresses me out completely. I become a nightmare for the person driving the car if i am the one sitting next to him or her. Ask my professor, I not only get stressed myself as if i am watching a horror movie but I completely stress out the driver. I do not know how he could remain so calm with my irrational stress about driving and being driven. I was equally bad when I started riding a bike in Amsterdam, most prone to falls, getting scared if a big car comes from front, worried to cross each signal and trust me Netherlands is probably most safe place to ride a bike, there are clear bike paths, the signals are well marked but still I would just fall for no reason or bump into lamp posts or road blockers. That is me. I feel only thing I am good at is walking in terms of mobility if i do not get lost. Learning to swim and drive will have to wait but in Nijmegen, I decided to learn how to find my way using a map. I am serious about it. By the end of Nijmegen stay, I am going to be expert in reading and following maps.

Y'day morning I started 75 minutes before classes, keeping enough buffer time for getting lost on my way to school. I looked at google maps, the city maps, chalked out my path, remembered all the names of streets i will cross and at 7.30am, i started from home. Came out of my apartment complex, it was pitch dark, the path was slippery, no names of the roads and streets could be found but i was confident about my chalked out path using maps. I started walking in high spirits but nothing looked familiar. No human beings around and no cars would stop for me to ask them directions. I kept walking, slowly getting concerned. Finally I saw a man on the bike, I stopped him and asked if I was on the right path and he smiled and said, 'No, you are walking in opposite direction'. Do you see how good I am at reading the maps. I started in wrong direction. Then he explained to me in ley man's language, 'walk straight, right, another right and then left and then walk straight' but I had to walk 1.5 kms to reach the point where I started in wrong direction. I walked and every time I crossed a little street mentioned in the map, my heart started jumping with joy. The maps are correct, so are all the signals and the crossings, they follow the map or rather maps perfectly represent the roads and crossings. I knew they were correct but now I was experiencing it and that was a great 'moral' experience of my body I guess, to know from experience that the map is not only correct but can also get me to the right destination if I follow it correctly. What an empowering feeling. I loved it. I walked for an hour and fifteen minutes, through snow and ice and along the bike paths where I am not suppose to walk in ordinary days but at the end of it, I was happy. I did not feel tired, there was no sensation of cold. I was rather warm and sweaty with all that walking. I entered the class with that stupid grin on my face, the joy of finding my way. Realizing that however lost I might feel in general, if I determine, I can find my way out in most hazy, unclear and confusing walks of life. From that moment on, the day unfolded in such a beautiful way, everything just fell in right place. Great class, interesting discussions. I have found my voice again. I have found my interest in the subject again. My head was buzzing with thoughts and ideas and i walked home with much higher confidence thinking and smiling to myself..this seems like real new start of my life. I am curious where will this journey take me?

Opnieuw beginnen

Some words keep humming in our heads as if this is 'our word' for the moment. Last ten days in the silent meditation retreat, I found my word-' Beginnen Opnieuw'. The dutch way of saying 'Start Again'. For the meditation students, it meant start the process of meditation again and by the last day, most of us started smiling on hearing these very words, relating to them in some strange ways. I am taking these words beyond meditation now and this is going to be my Mantra for the year ahead. Start again, almost like a gentle reminder for me who often falls back into the memories of past and completely looses track of the present.

The year that passed by was invaluable in more than one ways. I needed to sit back and really take a stock of where I was heading. I have been avoiding it for many years now, trying not to face some deep rooted conflicts or hoping that by keeping myself busy and occupied, I will get over my blues. Focusing on work or studies helped but in my enthusiasm of overdoing everything, I burnt out myself. All I have been doing for last many years is to set goals and achieve them but I realized I never felt happy at the end of it. Rather each accomplishment created such a vacuum in my life that I had to set yet another goal to escape confronting this emptiness.

I also noticed how desperately I seek approval of people around me for my actions. I wonder when did this start? Since when I needed others to assure me that I was doing 'ok'? I still have not found the exact moment but I could clearly see how I created more troubles for myself for trying to do things which I clearly did not believe in wholeheartedly just because I wanted to make others happy. Can I ever make other's happy especially if our ideas of happiness are absolutely conflicting with the other? My rational mind tells me one thing but then I act and behave in totally counterintuitive ways. I want to learn to be comfortable in my own skin. I do not want to try and be the person I am not and this is what I am going to do consciously every single day ahead. I am not hoping to convince others about what I believe, nor do I expect them to understand my views but I am not going to force myself to 'fit' a certain norm in which I absolutely do not fit.

I am going to live for myself. Yes It could sound selfish but I feel it is essential for me to follow my heart in days ahead. I am really at a moment right now where I have immense freedom and flexibility to choose my own path, I have enough friends to support and guide me through and hence I think it is best time to do things that I have been long avoiding. It is time to start again. Start to read, start my Bharatnatyam riyaz again, start writing again, travelling again. I almost planned a trip to Hungary this evening on the dinner table to meet and spend some time with a teacher who is expert in Bharatnatyam and who teaches the dance.

Months ahead are going to be superbusy with school work, thesis, assignments and exams but I am ready for it. In fact I am looking forward to this new beginning. There are more parties lined up in days ahead and it seems finally I will have more Dutch friends. In Amsterdam, I made many friends but hardly any locals, this is quite unlike of what happened in Leuven. But last ten days connected me with so many dutch people from Rotterdam to Freisland from Groningen to Delft that I have to plan my weekends very carefully. After all I have only three months in the Netherlands before I head further south.

Thus, 'start again' is my word for the days ahead, what's yours?