Opnieuw beginnen

Some words keep humming in our heads as if this is 'our word' for the moment. Last ten days in the silent meditation retreat, I found my word-' Beginnen Opnieuw'. The dutch way of saying 'Start Again'. For the meditation students, it meant start the process of meditation again and by the last day, most of us started smiling on hearing these very words, relating to them in some strange ways. I am taking these words beyond meditation now and this is going to be my Mantra for the year ahead. Start again, almost like a gentle reminder for me who often falls back into the memories of past and completely looses track of the present.

The year that passed by was invaluable in more than one ways. I needed to sit back and really take a stock of where I was heading. I have been avoiding it for many years now, trying not to face some deep rooted conflicts or hoping that by keeping myself busy and occupied, I will get over my blues. Focusing on work or studies helped but in my enthusiasm of overdoing everything, I burnt out myself. All I have been doing for last many years is to set goals and achieve them but I realized I never felt happy at the end of it. Rather each accomplishment created such a vacuum in my life that I had to set yet another goal to escape confronting this emptiness.

I also noticed how desperately I seek approval of people around me for my actions. I wonder when did this start? Since when I needed others to assure me that I was doing 'ok'? I still have not found the exact moment but I could clearly see how I created more troubles for myself for trying to do things which I clearly did not believe in wholeheartedly just because I wanted to make others happy. Can I ever make other's happy especially if our ideas of happiness are absolutely conflicting with the other? My rational mind tells me one thing but then I act and behave in totally counterintuitive ways. I want to learn to be comfortable in my own skin. I do not want to try and be the person I am not and this is what I am going to do consciously every single day ahead. I am not hoping to convince others about what I believe, nor do I expect them to understand my views but I am not going to force myself to 'fit' a certain norm in which I absolutely do not fit.

I am going to live for myself. Yes It could sound selfish but I feel it is essential for me to follow my heart in days ahead. I am really at a moment right now where I have immense freedom and flexibility to choose my own path, I have enough friends to support and guide me through and hence I think it is best time to do things that I have been long avoiding. It is time to start again. Start to read, start my Bharatnatyam riyaz again, start writing again, travelling again. I almost planned a trip to Hungary this evening on the dinner table to meet and spend some time with a teacher who is expert in Bharatnatyam and who teaches the dance.

Months ahead are going to be superbusy with school work, thesis, assignments and exams but I am ready for it. In fact I am looking forward to this new beginning. There are more parties lined up in days ahead and it seems finally I will have more Dutch friends. In Amsterdam, I made many friends but hardly any locals, this is quite unlike of what happened in Leuven. But last ten days connected me with so many dutch people from Rotterdam to Freisland from Groningen to Delft that I have to plan my weekends very carefully. After all I have only three months in the Netherlands before I head further south.

Thus, 'start again' is my word for the days ahead, what's yours?