Being a woman...

Today we mark the centenary celebration of International women's day. The newspapers and media are writing about women, their achievements, some are also focusing on challenges that lay ahead especially for women in the developing countries. The social networking sites are being used enthusiastically to wish the women 'happy women's day'. Some men are also acknowledging the role played by women in their lives. There is ongoing debate whether we need feminism in todays age as if we have achieved everything that we needed to achieve for all the women in this world. I keep thinking, what does womanhood mean to me? I am not going to write about gender and feminist theory, I am not even talking about global issues related to women. I want to take this moment to reflect upon my life as a woman, what has it provided me with? what are the challenges ahead? How do I perceive myself as a woman at this point of time and how do I want to be in coming years.

I must say that I am lucky. I was born in middle class family in urban India. My parents celebrated my birth though some relatives were a bit disappointed. Growing up in this family, I never felt I was any different because I was a woman because my father took equal share of household responsibility including looking after us and my brother was raised in the same fashion. There was one difference though. I was taught basic self defense skills in order to protect myself in the society around me. I was taught to be alert and watchful while being out in the world. I was taught to distinguish healthy 'gaze' from an unhealthy uncomfortable 'stare'. I was told to dress appropriately so that I do not attract or invite trouble for myself. Growing up in this safe neighborhood in suburban Mumbai, I did encounter some incidences which made me realize that it is a bit different to be a young woman as compared to being a young man. There are some things that I could do to prevent harm/assault but I cant fully neutralize my risks simply because I cant hide the fact that I am a woman.

As a young woman, I started thinking .. what else I could do to 'protect' myself? Do not trust the men blindly. Be alert and cautious. Stay away from 'boys trouble'. Make your boundaries very clear. Be strong,physically and emotionally. Be independent financially and physically. Learn to make your own decisions and take the responsibility of your decisions. Do not let fear overcome you. You can be all that you want to be, all you need is to work very hard. For a middle class woman, not 'beautiful' by standard norms of beauty in my society, education is a strong way out. I studied and studied and till date I continue to study. Education showed me the path out. I became financially stable. Many new opportunities opened up in front of me, thanks to my qualifications. But the walls of defense also grew taller. In the pursuit of being a strong, self reliant woman, I almost ceased being a woman. Android soul in a woman's body. Strange indeed, that way, I could neither be fully man in men's world and I had lost the essence of being a woman. I grew increasingly lonely as I could not fit in either world and both men and women found me unapproachable, that 'weird' woman out there.

So, on this evening, I want to think about ways to 'feel' my femininity. Feminity is being more than being charming, genttle, delicate and soft woman clad in fancy clothes and adorned with jwellary, protected by men all her life. Femininity for me means finding the essence of being a woman and being comfortable in my skin. I do not feel that I have lost something for being a woman. Rather the contrary. I have gained more for being a woman. My sensitivity towards the others, my ability to connect with the other, caring nature has helped me in every walk of life, both personally and professionally. Please do not read these lines as if these characters are only found in women. No, I am aware of men men who are gentle, soft, tender, sensitive and caring. My aim is not to reify 'men' and 'women'. All I want is to bring in best of both the sides and imbibe those qualities and values. I do not know how to go about it but I think reflecting on it is already a step forward.

I want to cherish the fact that I am a woman. It does not mean, I am going to use my gender as a tool but it gives a meaning to my life, it is part of being me and I do not want to forget that. I do not want to reject all the facets of being woman because of the hues of dependence, weakness and softness that it projects. Rather my task is to find the balance. I want to be strong in soul and spirit but not intimidating. I want to be flexible depending on context. Gentle touch could be a biggest strength in some situations and strong decisions are critically needed in some other delicate situations. I do not want to be isolated island, the far stretched effect of strong individualism and independence. At the same time I dont want to be dependent on the others at all times and in extreme ways and lose my voice and own thought process. I prefer to be interdependent, with myself and the fellow beings around me, striking a balance in this web of life. I want to trust myself and my abilities. I want to rely on my strengths at the same time be aware of my weaknesses. I want to regain my faith in life and in fellow human beings and nothing should stop me from acknowledging, accepting my troubles and seeking help. I want to be part of everyone and larger community around me but at the same time i want to retain my 'me'ness. This is not arrogance. It is a hope that I could dissolve with the others like the spoon of sugar in the milk but still impart my distinct taste to the milk. I do not want to feel afraid in any settings just because I am a woman. I do not want to restrict my dreams because I am a woman. I do not want to create boundaries for myself nor would I accept the boundaries made by the others and roles defined for me by the others. I want to destroy many norms, hierarchies, discriminations and divisions but I want to create life and cherish humanity. I want to laugh and feel light and relaxed, not as obsessive type A alpha woman. Nothing against alpha women, it is just that I am trying to break these stereotypes. Because, whenever we have such categories, we try to fit ourselves in one or the other. If we do not fit in any, we start feeling uncomfortable and start chopping off our appendages and our being to fit at least in one norm, the category where we could fit with the least damage. I do not see men as my competitors rather i want to have them in my life as a compliment, making us a complete, mutually supportive beings. I do want to be one with all the women, in each continent, in each circumstances as however different we may be on the surface, we all have something common, the essence of being a woman and that is what i want to celebrate, not just today but every single day.

It is such a hard task to express my feelings and thoughts and I am not satisfied with my own expression. May be it is my limited capacity or it is vastness of the concept .. not all concepts could be easily describe.. and how do I even begin to describe the meaning of being a woman when it is my very existence.. I cant step out of it for a moment, look at 'it' as an observer and then report back on it.. this methodology wont make justice to the purpose. Rather I would accept, this defective attempt to reflect on how i see and understand myself being a woman and on the eve of women's day and every single day that follows.....