March 2011 Day 2

A day of relaxation led to a day of utter panic and anxiety. I have to present a paper arguing life fatigue as justification for euthanasia in current Dutch law. It is killing me thinking about how will it go tomorrow. I know most of my classmates are strictly against euthanasia, no matter what. The sanctity of life and inviolability of life prevails. Well, I understand their view point but i cant make it my view point. I believe in context and I feel that each person is capable enough to make a choice whether the life is still worth living or not. The trouble is, i don't have bioethical principles to defend my position. Let me put it this way, typical pro-euthanasia arguments have been thrashed many times before. There is unsettled tension between pro and contra euthanasia lobby and I hang somewhere in between these two.

How am I going to present tomorrow? One way of looking at it is to encourage my classmates to criticize my arguments. That way I can listen to their objections, without taking them personally. Later, I could sit down and think about those objections and try and answer those to defend my position.

Why is it so hard to be criticized? I am not just talking about being criticized for argument sake but also in life. I find it hard to remain neutral and not get defensive when i am being criticized. I think it is high time to learn this essential competence, being able to accept the criticism with open mind. Being able to see through the criticism and reevaluate it in my own context. I take all criticism too seriously, sometimes I don't even challenge it, just accept it and almost internalize it. I am going to give it a serious try tomorrow. Remain calm, smile and thank everyone whoever has critical suggestion or argument against my argument. We will see how well i manage to do it.

I am getting addicted to lays classic salted chips. It gets worse when I am stressed. I gulped the entire packet of 250 gms of lays in one day along with 200 gms bar of a dark chocolate. This is definitely not going in right direction. Be aware for health reasons, I tell myself but it falls on deaf ears.

I still have to write two page summary of the article I am reviewing and then work on ethical case that I am presenting Friday morning. Already thinking of the weekend. My friends are coming over and we all are looking forward to a well deserved break. No more euthanasia talks, no more life problems. It is time to unwind and enjoy ourselves, laugh and sing and dance together, be crazy and have fun. Can I fast forward the time to Friday evening? That way, i dont need to present the article nor do I need to deliberate a clinical ethical dilemma.

is there a smart idea to take little power breaks like power naps? Taking a big break yesterday doesn't seem like a very fruitful idea if i see how stressed I have been all day today....well, all I can tell myself is that it is just a presentation to my class, not a life and death situation. Give it a try and even if it goes bad, tell myself.. 'shit happens sometime'. but to be honest these word do not reach that panicky, shaky soul of mine, atleast not at this point in time.