Sunday, May 26, 2013

To the little girl within me

Dear little girl,
Can you hear my voice?
I know you are hiding somewhere deep down there..
busy, rapidly building walls around you
almost with zeal of a spider spinning a web
or a caterpillar turning into a cocoon.

Dont get startled,dont be scared..
It is me, I am part of you, I am you and you are essence of mine
I am not hear to tell you
you have been unreasonable, I am just here to be by your side.

Will you try to stretch out your little palm
so that I can hold it and enter your little cave?
do you think we could just hug each other
living no space of inch between us?

Let the darkness engulf us both
let us be one with the darkness
should we try and cry together
May be that will help ease our pain...

No, no, you are definitely not abandoned
I promise that will never happen
Even if the whole world walks away from you
including those who tell you that they love you..
I will be there rock solid by your side.

To be honest,  i am not sure if I am
any better in handling the pain and
all these newly experienced emotions and feelings
but if we put our two little weak and vulnerable hearts together
I think we will find our way...

Little girl, I so understand your pain
I hear your heart beating like a drum
you struggling to breath
and you trying hard to control your tears

Little one, I must tell you...
I love you dearly for just who you are
all your imperfections and vulnerabilities
all those fears and faults

I love your passion with which
you wall your pain off from the outside world
I love your passion with which
you try and reach out to everyone that needs love

I love your passion to face your fears
I love your passion to try and feel the love
This has not been an easy journey and
it wont be one.. but darling..

You are not alone
I am always going to walk by your side
I am not the strongest or wisest soul around
but i know together we can survive.

I never want you to loose that vulnerable side in you.
I never want you to become a robotic machine
working on autopilot without caring for emotions of others
in the name of living for yourself and living at a choice.

There open the flood gates and I hear your sob
I hold you in my arms..
You are safe, you are my angel, my darling little pearl
You are everything I can only dream to be
and even more so with these  sobs and tears.

Cry my darling girl, it is just fine to cry
You are crying for yourself
to release your pain, hurt, sorrow and discomfort
and dont let anyone tell you that you are wrong in doing that..

why are you hiding away any ways?
who are you scared of?
why these wall construction all over again?
when you have been working so hard to bring them down...

You survived most difficult times
by successfully walling yourself off
you managed to swallow your pain, trauma and anger
along with your cries for help and reasons to smile..

But darling, I know there is another side in you
that is waiting to be given a release
let that anger out, let it go
you have reasons to be mad

You have hurt yourself long enough
by internalizing all the pain and grief, fear and anger,
Is there a reason why you are afraid to let it out?
who or what are you trying to protect?

It is that anger that drives you in life
It is the anger that protects you from harm
Anger is as much part of life
as is love, joy, happiness and sky..

Yes I know you are doubting yourself
and doubting world around you..
You are unsure of the path you have chosen
and you really want to surrender and give up on life..

you lost your sense of pride, confidence
along with your sleep and everyday life..
You wonder if you are capable of
taking even a step ahead on this path..

It might seem easy to give up
to accept that you are not meant for this way of life
that you doesn't deserve love or joy
and it is better to live a life that you have lived up till now.

Yes you can chose to do so if you feel
that is what is best for you at the moment
you know for sure what is best for you
and I will be there with you in every choice that you make.

Sweetheart it is also perfectly ok to feel miserable, hurt,
humiliated, lost, disappointed, and weak.
Let even those emotions sink in every cell of your body
and see how deep can it percolate down your spine.

You have right to cry as much as you need
till it helps you feel lighter and ready to smile
It is ok to doubt yourself and the world around
as long as you respect yourself and dont give up on hope and life.

You are afraid that you will not
be able to express yourself any more
may be that is true since you suffered a big blow..
but hey, there is no harm in giving it a try

I firmly believe in your innate beauty, strength and femininity
your golden heart and empathetic soul.
just try and be empathetic to yourself
so that your wounds can heal and you can smile.

There is more to life than just this event
you know it better than anyone else
dont give up on life and on yourself
just because someone else failed you hard..

be yourself, take pride in who you are
stand strong, head held high and
tell yourself.. you are a beautiful soul and
you will live 'love' all your life...

I love you my little girl
I truly do..
I just wish I would have been more proactive
on helping you believe in that...



Monday, May 13, 2013

Pain of growing and growing in pain...

Observe, listen, feel and palpate
They taught me in Medical School
These senses it seems held the key
to countless symptoms, pain and loops.

I wish I could do the same with my feelings
just the way I could often put the finger on those tender spots
The body and soul beneath my finger
often responded .. yes , that is exactly where it hurts..

I am hurting somewhere deep down..
don't know precisely where and why
why such a vague unease and discomfort
which starts in my stomach and spreads across

I wish I could locate the seat of this sensation
to listen to the sound it makes
to observe its colour and borders
and palpate its shape and depth..

Does it feel like corrugated mass of tissue
or unruly cauliflower like tumor cells
May be it is the matted bunch of lymph nodes
or just a solid heap of pain...

How do I diagnose its origins and cause
if nothing about it is felt and perceived
how do I find a cure for it
when it seems to be part of my very being

Do I have to live with it
or there is a way to untangle these delicate knots
how do I urge the healthy tissue
to take over the natural healing path...

Wonder if this mass has a colour,
what shades will I see?
If it emits its own smell..
what quality will that be?

sometimes I feel the urge to let it out
to explode so strong
that it will destroy everything
tumour and the life tagged along

but then I hold back..
hanging on to it..
turning it inwards and absorbing it in..
till the point of no return

may be that way
I shall turn into a solid mass
so heavy , so dense, so dark
that nothing can emerge out of that path..

That is how black holes are formed
engulfing and taking in everything
nothing can escape that force
even the brightness and light stand no chance..

The other option is to
explode with a big bang..
and start expanding at massive speed
engulfing everything that crosses my path
finally claiming my true space and need..

I know myself very well
I know I am not the exploding type..
I rather coil and coil deep down..
engulfing the  sorrow and pain ...

But that is where my mystery lies
only for those few careful eyes
Even my eyes do not always notice it
but do the laws of density and mass

There will be a moment when I cant condense any further
there will be a moment when I have to re bounce
Nothing can hinder that process even not me..
and a new star is born

The process is often long and unpredictable
but history of light year stands of its proof
the beauty of it is this sense of unknown
which tips the balance of its scale..

new life flows through my veins
new leaves burst all over me..
birds build nests in my arms and branches
and marks a journey of my life again...

Sometimes it feels as if
this miracle is around the corner
and that makes it worth the pain..
the pain of 'growing', the pain of discomfort
the pain of being off the balance, the pain of doubting my self...

No pains so no gains..
did they not tell you that?
the question I have is
how much pain is worth the effort and especially for which gains...


Thursday, May 2, 2013

The wounded storm....

Some wounds are deceptive.
Never know how deep they are.
Are they rounded and soft?
Or uneven in their depth and reach?

Also don't go on their size.
Small can be quite malignant.
and large ones easy to deal.
Just accept each one as it is
and hope that each will eventually heal.

For the longest time
you wont even know you are wounded.
But that is not such a big deal..
what is more unsettling is
when apparently healed one starts to bleed.

The pain which never existed
comes down haunting at you.
you wonder what triggered it
what mistake did you do...

It is like a storm
that builds quite silently..
it grows larger and larger
till it finds its release..

This morning I felt quite strong and sunny..
and thought I was ready to bloom.
But life looks different now..
just like the storm in the air with all its gloom..

I know I cant be what I once dreamt for..
but is that the end of joy...
I wont let it be the end of joy...
the question remains..
why this, why now?