Pain of growing and growing in pain...

Observe, listen, feel and palpate
They taught me in Medical School
These senses it seems held the key
to countless symptoms, pain and loops.

I wish I could do the same with my feelings
just the way I could often put the finger on those tender spots
The body and soul beneath my finger
often responded .. yes , that is exactly where it hurts..

I am hurting somewhere deep down..
don't know precisely where and why
why such a vague unease and discomfort
which starts in my stomach and spreads across

I wish I could locate the seat of this sensation
to listen to the sound it makes
to observe its colour and borders
and palpate its shape and depth..

Does it feel like corrugated mass of tissue
or unruly cauliflower like tumor cells
May be it is the matted bunch of lymph nodes
or just a solid heap of pain...

How do I diagnose its origins and cause
if nothing about it is felt and perceived
how do I find a cure for it
when it seems to be part of my very being

Do I have to live with it
or there is a way to untangle these delicate knots
how do I urge the healthy tissue
to take over the natural healing path...

Wonder if this mass has a colour,
what shades will I see?
If it emits its own smell..
what quality will that be?

sometimes I feel the urge to let it out
to explode so strong
that it will destroy everything
tumour and the life tagged along

but then I hold back..
hanging on to it..
turning it inwards and absorbing it in..
till the point of no return

may be that way
I shall turn into a solid mass
so heavy , so dense, so dark
that nothing can emerge out of that path..

That is how black holes are formed
engulfing and taking in everything
nothing can escape that force
even the brightness and light stand no chance..

The other option is to
explode with a big bang..
and start expanding at massive speed
engulfing everything that crosses my path
finally claiming my true space and need..

I know myself very well
I know I am not the exploding type..
I rather coil and coil deep down..
engulfing the  sorrow and pain ...

But that is where my mystery lies
only for those few careful eyes
Even my eyes do not always notice it
but do the laws of density and mass

There will be a moment when I cant condense any further
there will be a moment when I have to re bounce
Nothing can hinder that process even not me..
and a new star is born

The process is often long and unpredictable
but history of light year stands of its proof
the beauty of it is this sense of unknown
which tips the balance of its scale..

new life flows through my veins
new leaves burst all over me..
birds build nests in my arms and branches
and marks a journey of my life again...

Sometimes it feels as if
this miracle is around the corner
and that makes it worth the pain..
the pain of 'growing', the pain of discomfort
the pain of being off the balance, the pain of doubting my self...

No pains so no gains..
did they not tell you that?
the question I have is
how much pain is worth the effort and especially for which gains...