Love letters to the strangers

I love writing letters. Some are long and some are just little notes. The joy is not only in writing them but also in being creative to tuck them away in various places for my loved ones to discover in a most unexpected moment...

I inherited this character from my mother who wrote to me hundreds of letters by hand and she still continues to do so. She is also the brain behind tucking them away... sometimes in my jacket, sometimes in my suitcase, sometimes in a book or even in a food bag.... As a child, I remember her words... 'If you want to receive letters, you have to write them first'. I started writing and kept waiting for some letters to be answered.. but I must say, mostly I got disappointed. Only person who wrote letters to me year after year is my mother. At the end of each day, when I walk back home, first I rush to the mail box. When I have an envelop which is not a bill or a bank statement, a big bright smile shines on my face and then I have to really work hard to contain my excitement till I am in my apartment on the third floor.... I need to be in my 'space' to read the letters, though I must admit I have opened and read letters by the sea, by the canals, in the parks, woods, and mostly in the airports... yes, I think airports top the list..

I am not discounting emails at all.. I write literally hundreds of emails.. to my friends... and I am equally happy to receive an email reply.. I must admit, the chances of getting a reply are much higher through emails than to a handwritten letters.. but still I am a bit old fashioned and I love writing and receiving hand  written letters. About eight months ago, I started writing letters to people that I do not know... it was a new experiment for two reasons, first how do I write to someone that I dont know? Can I ever touch a cord with them? What could I write to them? I did not want to write generic letters. So I just started describing what I was doing and experiencing at that moment... I thought it was easier to write about my deepest fears to strangers in some ways... like Mr Schmidt writing to this little boy in Africa... and second, I was also afraid.. was I exposing myself to some sort of danger? What if someone takes advantage of me through my writings.. so solution I devised was to send letters without my name and address...

two weeks ago, an angel in Germany reached out to people through facebook, asking if they would like to receive a hand written letter.. a love letter to be precise... my heart jumped with joy and excitement.. and I immediately asked her to send me a letter... After having written so many letters, I was going to receive one, that too from someone that I do not know.. how cool and special is that?

This morning, I got home and was welcomed by her letter.. what a beautiful envelop, and that curvy handwriting.... I knew it was her without having looked at senders information.... I opened the letter carefully, with my heart beating faster than a machine... and a beautiful card came out with three little paper hearts...the card is no doubt special.. and so is the message... almost like a poetry, written in an equally artistic way on a butter paper in black ink.. each word straight from the heart, warming up my heart and making me smile and cry at the same time.... what struck me the most was her capacity to express herself in such a powerful way in so few words.. I am clearly not a woman of few words..... and her creative and artistic presentation .. unlike my letters which are wordy, scribbled on an ordinary paper, sometimes even on the blank opposite sides of used papers and train tickets... I hate to waste even a little white space on paper.. so I use paper to its last bit...I definitely don't have artistic abilities of any sort....

So this love letter from a stranger made my day today... without knowing me at all, she asked me some very powerful questions... how do I plan to be one with myself? How do I intend to grow into my truest potential? How do I show love to myself? She urged me to speak my truth today, everyday as often as possible, to feel each feeling and emotion, to soak myself in it, to express it without fear... she offered me her hand to tide over my fear as I cross this bridge...

Can I really express my emotions? I am afraid not, especially when they are related to people I love and care for the most... I am afraid that my emotions might hurt them... I feel my emotions are not as important as theirs... I give them my 200% but why is it that when it comes to expressing my own emotional struggles, I fail so miserably.... How can I be there for my friends and family without compromising on my own joy, and happiness, without hiding my own sorrow and pain...

So I want to leave you with two thoughts....

First, is there someone in your life that you wanted to reach out to and express your love, admiration, inspiration, respect, reverence for them? I urge you to take a pen and paper or use your computer and let the words flow... send them away... don't keep these words and emotions to yourself.. because often, even the people that you think know you the best, have no clue what storms are raging inside you, what thoughts are cutting sharply through every inch of your heart....

Second, how do you perceive your ability to express your emotions? Do you feel confident? Do you find right words? Do you always understand what exactly are you feeling? I often find myself confused... am I really feeling this or it is just my own imagination... even bigger struggle of mine is to believe and trust in my emotions... are they not subjective, irrational, often leading us into unclear zones.. I think that is what scares me the most about my own emotions.. I have silenced them for so long... that now when they are slowly starting to knock on the door of my mind, I feel as if the ground under my feet is giving away, I am afraid to open that door.. because I don't have capacity to deal with them... do you have some thoughts for me to walk through this maze of emotional webs?

Miracle

Two days ago, a dear friend of mine asked me to reflect on 'miracle'... the day was particularly hard on me, and my first reaction was.. 'Miracles.. they do not happen... they give us hope to keep going but they do not work...' Now this is how I always felt about miracles... something beautiful, heartwarming, comforting.. everyone would love to experience these but they do not exist.. having said this, I must also confess that there have been so many moments in everyday life that made me wonder.. how did this happen .. so effortlessly, with its innate sense of logic, no struggle, just a free flow...Did I not momentarily think of these moments as miracles? I guess I did but rational brain pushed me to brush that thought aside..

In typical way of description, miracles will be defined as something divine.... supernatural, act of god or a saint... but I think each one of us... has our own concept of what is a miracle.. I want to talk about my own understanding of miracles... just to confront my first reaction.. that miracles dont happen...

Lets see where are we heading.. As I look out of the window at this very moment, I see beautiful snowflakes coming down. Of course, we know the theory about snow and the weather and all that technical stuff, but I would still want to believe snowfall is a miracle.. when I see a rainbow in the sky, I jump with joy at this miraculous site. Trees blossoming in spring, waves of the ocean, star studded night sky, majestic mountains, the buds opening into flowers, the fragrances of wild forests, the colors all around us in the nature, the songs of the birds and the dance of the bees, the regularity of sunrise and sunset... these are miracles for me...

I remember when I was a first year medical student studying human anatomy, I was completely overwhelmed by the magic and miracle of human body, its super-efficient design and almost flawless functioning most of the time... No matter how much physiology and other disciplines tried to give us cellular, molecular and genetic basis of how human body functions, to me it still feels like a miracle....and more so now when I am struggling with some aspects of my health..I am in complete awe every time i think of beginning of human existence from two tiny cells and how it slowly creates this magical person. Every time I have assisted in delivering a baby, I always thought I was witnessing and actually being part of a miracle.. that first cry of the baby and its lungs filling up with air, marking first independent breath....the firm grip this newborn has on your finger, and you wonder where does this strength come from? you stroke the cheek of the baby and it starts suckling instantly... take the baby close to the mothers breast, it searches for the nipple and in no time starts suckling the milk.. how did the baby learn all this? Being part of this special moment of birth and witnessing the instant bond that often gets formed between the mother and the baby is no doubt a miracle for me..

I think each one of us is a miracle in ourselves, not just through the body we have but also by being who we are. Each one so different and diverse but there is still underlying connection through feelings and emotions... I will write about miracle of emotions some other time but here I want to talk a bit more about miracle of our body... I believe our body has innate wisdom, it knows what is best for us and when we are ready. I wish I would have loved my body more, from the nails of my toe to my gray hair. I wish I could have shown more respect and reverence to this beautiful gift i have received... I always took it for granted, I thought i knew what is it all about. I never listened to the subtle and strong signs that my body was sending out to me.. to slow down, to take care of myself... till the moment came when i could not take my body for granted any more.. when all my rational logic failed to explain the symptoms of my physical and emotional troubles... that was an eye opener... I had to do something.. i had to connect with my body, I had to learn to communicate with my body, i had to accept that she is a bit mad at me and wont accept my apologies so quickly... that is the process I am going through at this moment.. some days are easy but some are not... and you again wonder.. wow... what was I thinking when I believed, miracles don't exist...

I am going to share one very personal aspect of my life... it is about ability to fall asleep... Sleep as a physiological function is still largely unknown.. how do we fall asleep, why do we fall asleep.. what happens to the body and brain while we are asleep. We know for sure that sound sleep on everyday basis is absolute must for healthy life... but is it not a miracle that we can fall asleep and we can wake up and resume life each morning... are we ever afraid that the mechanism of waking up would fail one day and we would just continue to sleep.. I am not talking about death. Though many argue that death is eternal sleep.. for me that is far from sleep... Did you ever think that someday normal function of falling asleep will elude you completely? If there is anything about my life that I absolutely took for granted, it has to be my ability to sleep.. I was proud of my ability to fall asleep each night even on rocky surface.... very little i knew that someday, I would be actually struggling to fall asleep.. not for a day or two but for weeks and months.... I have learned to value sleep now when I actually lost it...

So this is what i want all of you to think about.. what is it in your life that you have been taking for granted? What is it that you thought was so ordinary and mundane that you never respected it? What is it that you always wanted to do or say but you never did? My guess is whatever are your answers for these questions, all you are talking about is some sort of miracle... in your own way, something divine, magical, beautiful and etheral.... don't wait too long... till you loose it....

I experienced a miracle last night...... I actually managed to sleep through the night.. there was ample twisting and turning.. but I slept... and I cant tell you in words what this miracle means for me....

so miracles do happen... all we need to do is to be aware of them... and to believe in them....

wishing you all loads of miracles in this festive month ahead.... 

If I wear a snowflake

I love snow... and as my surroundings are under the blanket of fresh snow at this moment, I cant help but think of my girl friends with whom I enjoyed first snow fall in my life... This post is for Nid, Andrea, Nuria, Kiki and Chantal... it is three years ago that we celebrated the first snow fall in Amsterdam together...but I can still feel that same excitement, I remember that loud thumping on the doors of our hostel rooms at 6am, I still see us jumping out of the bed, looking out of the window, grabbing the coats and running down to be in the snow,I can still hear our screams and laughter, attempts to make designs in the snow and write our names... and I still very clearly remember the phone calls that went criss-crossing across the world from the Netherlands to Indonesia, India, Rwanda, Thailand and El Salvador just to describe the beauty of snow fall to our loved ones back home....

Snowfall is a magical moment for me. Past three winters I have spent in Europe gave me ample chance to enjoy snow and extreme cold weather... We had to learn how to walk on the snow without falling... we learned it hard way, after sustaining number of falls.. It was dangerous to bike through the city... since we obviously did not know about black ice.. how many times did we barely survive disastrous bike falls... we had to learn how to dress warm.. but nothing stopped us from enjoying the snow...  we were just happy romancing the snow and the winter.. taking hundreds of pictures, walking on the frozen Amsterdam canals.. watching the locals skating everywhere...the city looked different in winter.... just like the pictures in fairy tale collections... I am not at all tired of snow yet, rather the contrary... Snow still makes me very happy....and light...

This weekend we had loads of snow in Switzerland.. this is not the first snow of the season but it is first snow fall for me in this country.. and I drifted away into past and I got enchanted by the magical landscapes of the present. Train ride this morning from Zurich to Basel, the mountains, the leafless trees, the roofs of the houses and the towers of the churches, pastures and the roads, everything covered in thick blanket of snow... I am absolutely incapable of capturing that beauty in words... the sun shining bright... clear blue sky and silvery white landscape...the leafless trees suddenly blossomed into snow flowers .. I love snow flowers.... they are all white but they take strange shapes... they even cover the most dependent parts of the branches, like white blood vessels along the branches...  I wanted to share this moment with my mom and brother who have not seen the snowfall yet... but it was useless to make any attempts to take pictures.. no words, no pictures.. how do I transport this magical phenomenon across the oceans to warm, humid Mumbai? There is no way to do it I guess...

Snow flakes in my hair, snow flakes on my face, snow flakes on my wide open arms... snow flakes pouring over me... exact same feeling when I drench myself under first monsoon showers in Mumbai each June... I melt away in the rain, I wash away all my pain and grief, I jump in puddles of water and splash water everywhere .. I throw away my Umbrella... because I want the rain drops to percolate through every inch of my skin...... the rain and the snow... and the same me.... tiny speck in larger scheme of the universe..

I love winters, I can manage them much better than the hot summers... The winter gives me hope, in spite of Gray sky and shorter days..... it tells me I can hibernate under the blanket of snow.. give up all the resistance, surrender myself to life... it assures me that I am safe there... under the snow, like the seeds who go into dormancy... like the pansies which bury themselves under the snow, like the snow-bells who go to sleep but resurface with great vigour and vitality as the nature passes through yet another transition... It is ok to rest, it is ok to sleep... it is not the end of the life, rather it is beginning of new cycle of life... Snow-bells are my favourite flowers.. the symbols of resistance and persistence, beauty and vulnerability... strength and surrender...I wish I could be like snow-bells....Jei, remember our walk through the snow and conversations with the pansies? I must have those pictures somewhere.... I miss you girl.. hope you are safe.....

So, if I were a snow flake, I think I will be blue in colour, tiny and feather light, swirling around myself as I gravitate towards the earth.... I would twist and turn, dance to my own tunes and with my own moves, free and careless as if there is nothing else but just this moment to be a happy snow flake, yes I will be a happy snow flake with a banana smile on my snow flake face....... not afraid of loosing my existence... or my identity.. going with the flow... enjoying the journey, watching over the world from above... I will pull the pigtail of few of my fellow snow flakes... annoy them a bit... but also I will give them gentle hugs....without damaging their fancy dresses.... I will romance the breeze drifting me away.. without questioning where I am heading to.... trusting whole heartedly... that eventually I will find my place to rest... my place to sleep.... I will find my way.... I dont want to fall on a roof of a house.. or on a running car... I have to find my place.... there it is... an elderly lady crossing the street.. with grocery bags in her hand.... I go towards her.... I look at her... beautiful face, shining eyes that narrate her entire life story.....intricate design of the wrinkles of her skin,  that smile on her face... and that song in her heart... she has seen it all for way too long but she still can find magic in this moment... she is my nest.... she is my rest.... I give myself up... and i land on tip of her nose.... she feels me... she smiles... I smile...we connect, we meet, we talk....and in a fraction of second.. I melt away.. leaving little moisture on her nose and warmth in her heart.........

Flying home to Zurich..

Yes thats true...

I have moved yet again.. this time to Basel, Switzerland. I landed in Basel on 24th August 2012. This  very peculiar day in my life marked yet another transition. I will be studying at University of Basel for three years, that is till somewhere around August 2015 if everything goes well. Honestly, this move from the Netherlands to Basel has been the most nerve-wracking move of my life till this moment. I have never been so nervous before. I love moving around, rather moving helps me stay focussed.. but this one was not at all easy... Months of contemplation and networking with people in Switzerland, so that I could land safely in this country... the safest, cleanest and most efficient societies in the world... what made me nervous is a topic for yet another blog post.. but what I want to talk about here is how Basel and Switzerland in general became my new home in mere three months or so... against all my initial fears and inhibitions....

I have hard time to be in one place for a very long time. I often feel I do not have an anchor, I drift around and go wherever I find new opportunities. Good thing is that I have very minimal needs so in no time, I find myself feeling at home in every new place I have been to. I carry my home with me, in my heart, and in my two suitcases... that is what one does when on constant move, but having said that over years, I have also noticed my capacity to accumulate material things that are now making it harder for me to move at a drop of a hat... for example, many of my things are still scattered at various places in the Netherlands.. and I would intentionally leave them that way in the hope that some day I will return to them... Though I feel I am at home in Basel, I must also admit that my heart still yearns to return to the Netherlands once in a while, just to soak up some love and warmth of friendship and come home to basel again.... I think i will keep traveling to the Netherlands every once in a while.. I just returned from the Netherlands last week and the happiness in my heart and soul was palpable.... I belong there as well ... just the way I belong to Basel.. is that possible to belong to many places at the same time?

My move to Basel is unique for more than one reasons, apart from my initial nervousness and anxiety. I  will be here for three years, longest I have been in one place .. only exception to that is mumbai, my hometown... but since 2003, I am on constant move... Being in Basel for 3 years was scary .. what if I did not feel at home there? Will I be able to break my professional commitment and move somewhere else? Am I becoming an expert on not being able to commit and to stick with it? But good thing is my fears and worries make me reach out to people for help.. I am almost shameless when it comes to sharing my vulnerability to people that I trust.... and that is exactly what I did... wrote to many friends asking them to connect me with their friends in Basel and in Switzerland way before I even signed the work contract in Basel and the strategy worked well....

In less than three months, I can say I am at home in Basel... and again there are many reasons for that...
I love the city, small and compact, where I can walk everywhere. I am amazed at the amount of sunlight we have had in Basel in last three months as compared to Groningen. I almost thought I dont need to take vit D supplements in winter in Basel.. I love the river flowing through the city.. and I have beautiful apartment of my own.. with a gas stove, very important comfort factor for me to feel at home... My land lady is amazingly supportive and in many ways her presence and affection gives me a sense of belonging to this city.. Other huge contribution to this sense of belonging is ease with which I can buy Indian groceries and supplies... if I can cook my own Indian food at home, that is half the battle won... I dont need anything else.. and in Basel, there are many places where I can buy things that I need, including fresh curry leaves.... just thinking about them makes me smile.....

Basel and my early days in Switzerland also has made significant difference in my life... For a change, I actually have a busy social life... beyond work.. My friends in the Netherlands cant believe it as it is extremely hard to get me out of my home, they tried for long and with various tricks but hardly anything worked ... all my life, I remember, my days revolved around home-work-home.. I had no clue or inclination to enjoy life beyond the familiar worlds of work and home... I think I did not believe that life can be fun beyond work...and here I am, all over the place, traveling, meeting people and friends for lunches and coffee, hosting dinners at my place, just going out in the city center for fun, attending concerts, watching movies and also being a lazy home bunny with bunch of friends in Zurich.... If you cant find me in Basel, you just might have to look for me in Zurich... I continue to hang around with swiss gray lotuses and that is always nice.. but these days I also hang around with people of my age... and I am realizing that is great fun too.... my busy social calendar is ringing serious alarm bells for some of my old friends... for obvious reasons that I might be totally distracted and then wont write the papers that have been pending at my end for too long already... so the real challenge is to find balance between work and personal life.. I have been at one extreme of the spectrum all the while and now I am at the other end.. and hopefully sometime in coming three years i will find the middle path.. a perfect balance between work and personal life... was this not the theme of our discussion at Gelataria in Groningen, the evening before i flew out of Basel... hello Friends, I just want to tell you that all those suggestions of yours are working well and have really made a difference in making me feel at home in Basel....

So food and friends help me feel at home and I have ample of both in Switzerland... but there is one more factor which adds to this duo... A country and place adds to my comfort zone if I see myself with opportunities to find work and hence lead a meaningful life in that country... I have not felt the need to explore my future options in professional life in Switzerland yet but given the fact that this country attracts so many foreigners to work here, I guess if I decide to, I shall be able to find interesting work opportunities... but I will wait for that, may be in the third year, I will start thinking about it.. not now..

I am often surprised how quickly I settled down in Basel, how swiftly I started spending time on Swiss trains and how quickly I got used to them... I still think of blue and yellow Dutch trains on flat green background, but I equally feel excited looking out at the panorama from my Swiss train rides... We humans, are really quick to adapt, and adjust and I hope I never loose this ability.... to really immerse myself in local life and culture, to find joy in different things and to be eager to try out new experiences that each journey offers me... It is not about netherlands or switzerland, India or somewhere else... it is about being me and connecting with people wherever I go... being really part of people's lives and sharing the time we have together... that is what makes me truly happy... and that is what I am sure is going to make me cry rivers of tears if I have to say goodbye to Switzerland at the end of three years.. but knowing myself, I will for sure create a support system in Switzerland for myself to tide over that crisis....

After spending four days in beautiful Krakow, I am flying home to Zurich this evening... and will be with friends.... will there still be snow? I wonder....

I guess I will just find out in matter of few hours...

Why blog?

Seven months of hibernation and here I am again... with a critical question.. why do I blog? Why should I start blogging again, if at all I should blog... I dont know.. but through this reflection, i might get some clues..

Why did I start blogging?

I think it is because I am a story teller and I love telling stories.. I do it best when I am with friends and family, I mean in person.. but it is not always possible to be with people in person and trade stories... that is when blog comes in handy...

Where do I get the stories from? Well, from life around me, the people that I meet and connect with, the places I visit and make my home... till about three years ago, I used to write long emails to a select bunch of friends, the ones who were my dedicated readers.. who were visiting diverse places in different corners of India and abroad through my words and descriptions... it was a joy for me to write to them and also convenience... because if I narrate the story to one person, I know that my enthusiasm to narrate the same story to someone else goes down drastically... this way I could reach to large number of friends without having to worry about loosing interest in the story or loosing the story in itself.... the trick is, to capture the story at the very moment it starts taking roots in my mind... and sometimes it happens at odd moments, just as I am falling asleep or while commuting to work.. when it is almost impossible to grasp a piece of paper and write it down... I have lost so many stories this way, simply because they caught me at wrong moment.. and then it feels kind of empty and barren....

I had to find solution to this problem and that came through a blog. I started scribbling key words in a tiny notebook all day long and at the end of the day turn it into a blog post. This way I could reach many friends at the same time, provided they checked the blog but I could also reach out to many strangers... from across the world... people I have never met before and will probably never meet.. people I have nothing in common with and people who share tremendous similarity with my life... and most important it costs me nothing... and it costs people nothing... apart from their time...

This blog gave me a means to express myself in the most difficult phase of my life. When I lost the person who I used to tell all my stories, this blog opened a world of readers who were reading my story and sometimes even commenting on it.. this blog also became a means for my friends to check on me in those days... as long as I was writing, they could relax.. but the moment I got silent, they knew they had to check on me... this was our nonverbal communication of sorts... As I started feeling better and recovered my sense of being, my urge to write became less strong... I was still experiencing amazing things, learning and growing, but I just did not know what to write about.. I guess, in recent times, I started emailing a few friends more often and blog became less and less of my focus.... but in last one month, three friends started questioning me seriously about my silence. They wanted to know why I had stopped writing. They urged me to write again and I had to give it a serious thought...

I think, I would like to revive this blog for the simple reason that I love to write, I love to express myself through words, and I love to stay connected with my friends. Through this blog, in a way I document my life and my state of mind, the plethora of emotions and myriad of experiences that I gather.. Its like writing a personal journal but in a public space of virtual world... One can discover so many nuances about the self just by reading through old journals ... its kind of looking into a mirror, witnessing process of growth and transformation and in that sense, the blog is of immense value... Even though there is difference in the intricate details of personal journal and the blog, the opportunity it provides for self reflection is incredible.. and that is what I like the most about it... I am also an avid reader of blogs and there are so many bloggers and the blog posts that make me smile, give me a sense of belonging to this global community... a connection through words to so many souls... it is so often that I feel as if I have found another me in the writings of some other bloggers... We all are so similar and so different at the same time... but overarching thread is the same.. 'I am another you'.....

Another advantage of writing a blog at a regular basis is to make it part of my life, to be it.. to make it a habit.. I do not want it to be a medium of expression only when I am terribly happy or incredibly low... these are the drastic peaks and valleys.. but I want it to be my regular companion... just as each day comes and goes... it need not be spectacular or extraordinary.. rather this blog should be an attempt to find joy and reasons to express in most mundane things of life, finding extraordinary in the ordinary... I want some form of consistency, regularity and rhythm to it.. I am curious to know how my everyday life looked lets say few years from now.. so this is my efforts to document the moments that otherwise can be lost very easily...

Last reason I want to blog is to share my experiences with others. Due to my work and my life being on constant move, I am always moving around the world. That gives me opportunity to meet interesting people and visit exciting places.. Madhavi, my friend always makes me realize what a privileged life I live in terms of life experiences. She often says how much she yearns to be part of my life but simply cant.. and that is why I should document bits and pieces of my life so that she can be part of it.... I owe a big time to this wonderful girl friend of mine and I will write for her if for nothing else.. because I know what it means for her....

So this blog is more of a personal project. It definitely has lot of advantages for myself... and probably none for the readers apart from some interesting reads, some moments of laughter or just to feel a strange connection with a stranger... but should that be a reason for me not to write? I dont think so... I am going to blog because I love blogging and I will continue to blog as long as I feel the need and inspiration to do so... will it have consequences on larger schema of this world... most likely not... but I am more for the little differences, little moments of potential transformation in my own life and probably in lives of the others through being part of my life... we will see, what this all leads to... at this moment, I am just happy that I took this time out to sit and reflect...

signing off from Krakow... till we meet again...

The picture for this blog was obtained from the following website

http://chronicle.com/blogs/linguafranca/2012/10/11/inspiration-in-the-writing-revolution/

Spring is in the air

It has been a real long time since my last blog post. No explanations or confessions.. rather I just decided to start again.

2012 has been exciting up till now. First I got my work permit and I started teaching in the Netherlands. I always wanted to be a teacher but it was only when i started teaching, I realize how much effort and preparation goes in a two hour lecture.I started respecting my teachers even more since I became a teacher myself.

End of February, I had a fabulous week long trip to NY. My first trip to NY, first presentation in an international conference.. I was nervous and excited at the same time... this trip was special, i met interesting people, and also did some touristy things like visiting time square or strolling through china town and bargaining for things...NY felt like a home, loads of similarities with my city Mumbai. People were extremely friendly and helpful. I would love to live in NY for a few years to explore this city more...

March was special for my brother was visiting me in the Netherlands. We enjoyed our time and company of each other. We traveled a bit but it was also special how he took over household responsibilities while I was at work.We also spent time with some common friends. The days flew by and there were many things that we could not do. At the same time, there were also a number of sudden plans and opportunities that came our way and we could grab it. Sometimes we were amazed with new transformations in each other's lives, there were moments of tension as well. But overall, it was a special time that we could share.

Now my brother has returned home and I have to plan for the days and months ahead. I often get amazed at the wisdom of my brother and admire him for who he is. There are so many things that I still have to learn from him and most important, I have to learn and see him as a capable, confident and strong man whose heart and feet are in right place. I have this man to support me through my best and worse times and to remind me when I am going off balance... i am grateful for this special relationship that I share with my brother.. he makes my life more colorful and vibrant..

While all this has been happening, the seasons have transitioned from the winter to spring. I want to have similar transformation on how I feel about myself and how I perceive my life. Rather I would say that I want to go a step beyond and blossom in my personal life with the spring in the air and be open and willing to enjoy the summer of life. First task is to take things easy, to allow myself to make mistakes and fail once in a while, to let go of my control freak nature and to learn to live the moment and relax.. I am realizing that with my personality, I often exhaust myself and the people around me. Nothing I do or gain is good enough. I beat myself up with all the criticism and then I just dont even want to try it any more.. the journey ahead is long.. but only when i start taking steps, I would reach somewhere.. the simplest way to get started was with this blog. I have been procrastinating about my blog writing as well... I dont have anything interesting. I cant write very well, so on and so forth.. but who cares.. I am not writing for people. I am writing for myself and I dont want to win Nobel prize for literature.. all I want is to express myself and share some of my thoughts with the others...

Take time out for yourself this spring and dont forget to enjoy the life.. This is also the message and mantra for myself... I want to be happy and enjoy each day and moment ahead.. are you ready to join me?

Eat, pray, love and finding myself..

In June 2008, a dear friend of mine recommended the book 'Eat, Pray,Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert. I must say I enjoyed the book. Her story resonated with mine in many ways.I wondered about the possibilities in my own life to take a year off and travel to three countries in search of my own self? I thought, 'that would be a far stretched dream.. may be something I might try 10 years down the line when I have more money and luxury to take a year off..' little did I know then, that I would set out on a similar journey in just 2 years time...This is the story of my year off...not exactly along the lines of Elizabeth Gilbert's journey but quite similar to it...

Exactly a year ago, I arrived in Leuven, Belgium. I had made a conscious decision to call off my planned wedding in August that year. It was the most difficult phase of my life. I lost social and family support overnight. 'She is stupid. How can she be afraid of marriage? She has such a loving and understanding fiance and her in-laws love her so much. It must have been all those years away from India that she has become so self-centered. She has destroyed her own happiness'. They all had their opinions and they had loads of criticism for me. I lost my friends almost overnight, both men and women and I became a biggest tragedy in my community for I refused to get married.

I do not want to talk about why I took that decision. That is not important nor relevant anymore. All I want to share here is that the tremendous social and family criticism knocked me out completely. I lost all my self esteem, confidence and I became one miserable woman. I took all the blame and guilt and held myself responsible for everything, my pain, pain of my loved ones and all the financial and relational losses. I internalized the feeling that I am a total failure and extremely weak woman who did not even have courage to get married with a partner she had chosen herself. I did not have courage to set foot out of my house for many weeks that followed as I could not take those looks of mockery and sympathy thrown at me.. I thought.. this is the end of my life story. I have no hope and I am good for nothing.. I could not recognize myself in my feelings, thoughts or even actions.... I lost myself completely...

It was my younger brother who pushed me to get my act together. I had a one year scholarship to study bioethics as a part of Erasmus program. At some point, I was so weak and unsure of myself that I decided to give up my scholarship. I thought, I cant study any more.. and I don't want to fail in academics now after having failed in personal life.But my brother persisted and I started yet another journey.. my year away from home, a journey into healing and self realization.. the time stolen to make peace with myself.. I had no hopes and no expectations but I was happy to realize that I wont be haunted with the questions about my failure to get married at least for a year.. and that was a big relief...

4th October 2010, I 'celebrated' my 31st birthday with floods of tears and no sign of happiness... the same evening I flew out of India and next day early morning I arrived in Belgium... tired, exhausted, weak, unsure,confused and scared. Will I survive this European winter? Will I fall apart emotionally and psychologically through the dark and cold months of winter ahead? Will I be able to study and pass my exams? Those were hard days. I had not slept well for months together, the nightmares kept me company. I had to force myself to eat and I had to make tremendous effort to attend my classes. Nothing discussed in classes made sense.. I was not there.. the words fell on my ears but had no impact. I was sure, I was going to fail all my assignments. My friends in the Netherlands, new classmates got together and they created a support system around me. No weekend was spent without friends visiting me over. zen meditation helped me find some moments of peace and by December, I had at least regularized my daily routine. I could participate in few social occasions. A classmate helped me prepare for my exams. Another friend and her young children provided me with warmth of human interaction. I was slowly able to sleep better and I could feel the initial sings of improvement...

I celebrated the new year in Amsterdam with my friends and next day I moved to Nijmegen, a city in the South of the Netherlands.. from January to March, I stayed in the Netherlands. I am familiar with and in fact fond of Dutch Academic environment. I slowly found my voice in Nijmegen. I also had large network of friends in the Netherlands and for some strange reasons, the Netherlands always felt like home to me. Meditation continued. I was proactive in class discussions. I also conducted a qualitative research on euthanasia during those three months in the Netherlands. This was my first research abroad and it was indeed a fulfilling experience. I enjoyed every bit of it and though the months were full of hard work, I enjoyed every minute of it. By mid March, daffodils started peeping out of the snow covered soil and I could see and feel the arrival of spring around me and also within me. After series of farewell dinners in the Netherlands.. thanks to my wonderful friends... beginning of April,I was south-bound.

The last leg of my studies from April to June was in Padova, Italy. Gilbert's descriptions of Italian pleasures of food and drinks were my everyday experiences in those three months. Italian spring, great food, a culture that ensures pleasure of everyday life..calling it 'Dolce vita'.. i was flowering once again... more classes, more exams but loads of travels... travelling was my priority.. I was lucky to experience Italian hospitality at homes of my Italian friends from Turin to Venice.. I was living that dream life.. I was definitely feeling much better but soon the worries started.. what will happen to me after graduation? end of June will not only mark the end of my academic program but I feared that it will also end my happy life. I feared returning to India. I was not ready yet. I needed more time to gather my strength and to really figure out what is that I wanted. I was not ready to go back home. End of May, and I became desperate... what was I going to do next? A friend of mine in the Netherlands rescued me and offered a place to stay for few months more.. she wanted me to take time off for myself.. no studies, no assignments.. just enjoy European summer...and reflect on my life path ahead..

4th July 2011, I arrived in Groningen and last three months have been the best part of my journey over this year.. what did I do? I ate, I slept many hours, I watched movies, I read many non academic books.. I cooked for hours and we invited our friends over for dinner.. we lingered over food and we talked about our lives. we laughed together and we also cried together.. I was accepted by her friends and family and many new experiences opened up in front of me... Dutch plays, working in the garden, visiting farmer's markets, dancing tango, hosting friends and enjoying sauna.. getting lost in huge public library and binging on fries and chocolates.. I started running with her and for the first time, realized how happy one could feel after a good run.. I started laughing a lot.. I became a child again, curious and open to new experiences, able to amuse myself with little things around me.. roaming through a Dutch farm of 90 cows and jumping on trampoline... enjoying the feel of water while jumping in swimming pool and sometimes the joy of doing nothing.. I was happy again.. I thought, I would never find happiness in my life.. but I was wrong..Once I accepted myself just the way I was with all my strengths and weaknesses, it was easy to find my joy.. and presence of huge circle of friends around me made a significant difference... what I had lost a year ago, I received much more back... the pain of the past became less... the memories started fading away.. the decision to call of the wedding was celebrated at its first anniversary along with a large group of my friends..(refer to the post, Sunday with the stars) I cried a lot but these were the tears of joy.. Last three months here were the most special moments of my life.. they gave me a second life..

I celebrated my 32nd birthday yesterday and I kept reflecting on my own journey over last one year.. yes I lost a few precious people and friends but it taught me to be more open to life, to accept myself and my vulnerabilities and most important was to learn that I am more than my marital status. I am not a wife but I am a great friend to many people and that gives me an immense sense of satisfaction. My circle of friends is constantly expanding and so is the depth of my relationship with the others.. I am working on my fears about love and marriage and I must say when I take one step forward, I see more helping hands stretching towards me.. I feel loved, cherished, nurtured and valued for who I am and not rejected for what I lack... I will hopefully start working in the Netherlands soon but I have already started most important work, to be myself, to find my own calling, to live life to the fullest as if this might be my last chance.. and I feel happy about all the experiences that life has shown me till now...

It really did not take 10 years for me to have 'eat, pray, love' experience but this one year gave me a lot to understand and to learn about...I take this moment to thank all those who have contributed to who I am, who have been my support and strength.. I would not have reached this far.. without your loving presence in my life.. thank you very much...