How does one feel when somethings that you do not expect to happen, actually happen without you even noticing it? Well, I broke into tears and that too at the situation which is so ordinary.
Here is the story. From the day I arrived, I knew that my refrigerator was not working. I adjusted the thermostat and hoped that he would come alive but he did not. I noticed that the door doesn't close properly but the gap in the door was not sufficient enough to keep the inside of the refrigerator so warm. I knew that the fridge was old and not really functioning. I reported it to the housing authorities and they said they would look into the matter. Meanwhile people suggested me their own ideas, the best one was to store my food outside the window at nights as outside temperatures were much lower than the fridge. My fridge almost was like an incubator, no wonder the milk got spoiled, the yogurt grew mold, the bread, the vegetables grew fungus on it. I stopped buying food, I could not store much cooked food. I had to throw away so much food stuff that it really became a problem. Last night, I wrote another email to the housing authorities but really did not expect anything to happen. I was mentally preparing myself to live with a dead refrigerator till December and actually freeze my food under the snow outside.
I began to cook the dinner and realized that I cant open the fridge anymore. It took me a few seconds to realize it is not my old fridge. It doesn't have a broken door. I opened it and there it was my brand new fridge with a freezer compartment. Perfectly working.. i broke into tears.. i was so happy that I kissed the fridge.. the thoughts flashed in my mind of all the food that I can buy and store without worrying about it getting spoiled. All the food that I can cook and all the dinners I can host. I love that thought.. I went through a phase of Jubilation. So not everything today was terrible. My day ended with the happy news of new functional refrigerator. That is the lesson learned. Priya, things are not that bleak. Trust in yourself and things will turn out fine..
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
The day that brings the blues back where they belonged
There are some days that are difficult to deal with, like for example today. Since Morning, nothing really went as planned. I remember distinctly waking up this morning with a smile and wishing myself a fascinating day. No breakfast as I had no time, no ingredients (thanks to my refrigerator which does not function) and I had to be at the police station at 8am. Well, the concerned officer was not there even at 8.35am and I was asked to come back again. I said to them 'No problem' but I know it was not a good start. Brought a Croissant on my way home and I started walking down to school. I realized I went to a wrong classroom but I was not the only one. A number of us went to a wrong classroom, as there was some miscommunication. Again walked in other direction in the rain to get to the right classroom. The class as usual, did not make much sense but the releif was that there were others who shared the same feelings. I was not the only one. Since when did I start finding comforts in the fact that I was not the only one, only one to have lost my way, only one to not have understood anything. I have always been the only one who will do things which no one else would want to do. This shift has been quite a recent phenomenon, not something that I particularly like.
I had to take my laptop to the PC lab of the university. It seems my laptop has viruses that are being circulated in the university internet system. Well my indian software for virus threats says everything is fine but it is not acceptable to the network security here and I get blocked out of internet connection every day. It is impossible to live in this world without internet especially when I feel I am dependent on this world of friends that are not with me but could be in different parts of the world. people that I can turn to when I am low and depressed. The thought of not having internet always produces a panic attack in my mind. It is still raining, I carry my laptop to the Heverlee campus, it is heavy but I am optimistic of getting help. I have had four email exhanges already with the PC lab and they were very open and clear that I could bring my PC in anytime during work hours.
I almost felt as if I was accessing health care and my experience proved it correct. I go there and the man at the desk informs me that I have to leave the laptop at the lab for a few days. How many days, that he doesnt know, infact he asked me a very philosophical question. 'can you predict future?'. I said 'No', his answer was 'neither can I'. He asked me if I had taken a back-up of all my files. I had not. I wondered why he could not tell me that I had to take a backup of my files and bring the PC to them with the mental preparation of leaving it there for days that no one knows. Wonder how an university center is suppose to work his way through, when you dont have your PC with you. I could not 'admit' my laptop in this hospital and I decided to come other time when I was sure I wanted to do this.
Is this not how my patients feel? First of all, they come to hospital, only when the pain is unbreable, troubles are beyond their capacity to deal with. They come to us and we bombard them with so many questions which are very obvious from our point of view but they leave the patient feeling stupid about themselves. For example, I wondered why i could not think of taking a back-up of my files, Why I did not anticipate the fact that I may not get 'over the counter service'? Then my patients go back, as they are not sure they are really to undergo what the doctors are suggesting. They want to consult their family before making a decision and we know that in most cases the patient is not going to come back. I brought my virus infected computer home, I removed existing antivirus, I installed free trial versions of antiviruses suggested by friends. That is what my patients do. They go for natural cures, home remedies, alternative remidies, anything that they feel is in their capacity to try out. As I am blogging, the new antivirus is throwing out viruses as pop up windows. I can almost feel that my laptop is on pain. I do not know what else to do. I am doing what I think I can do with the best interest of my computer but is that really the best thing to do? Or I am causing more harm to the computer? Woww, i could write a paper on this dilemma.
On my way home, I got lost in the forest. The rain, the heil, the streams of muddy water, cold, muddy, slimy path, my sports shoes were all soaked in water. The white shoes turned red, entered inside and I could feel my toes going numb. I was cold, i was sad and unsure. My every effort to get out of the forest confused me further and it took a while before finally I could make it home, tired, cold, and ready to collapse. I was hungry, i needed something warm to feel better. I made myself hotchocolate and decided to talk to my mother. My mom, who has been doing great progress in terms of emotional wellbeing, today suddenly sounded very low. In fact she broke into tears on phone and I could feel her vulnerability. She went through the same thoughts all over again, the self blame, guilt, pain, dispair, fear and worries about my well being and future. She hold herself responsible for certain events and failures in my recent life. She was trying hard not to cry. She has been fighting her urge to call him and his family hoping to open channels of communication. I kept consoling her, I kept assuring her I am ok and that we all would be fine. Her only comment was.'If I struggle so hard to keep up the spirits, i cant imagine, what you must be going through. You lost the love of your life and you are in a foreign land. How Could I do this to you? How could I be the person reponsible for your pain?'. I did not know what to say. I did not want to say anything as my voice was already choking. But I wanted to tell her that the fact that she is by my side in every life situation and that she feels my pain, that itself is my source of energy and hope. Yes I have lost something very precious in my life but the life still needs to be lived and it is better to live it happily and in an optimistic way. I cant give up living and flourishing. She cant give up being herself. It is tough time for all of us, not just me and my family but also for him and his family. But there are reasons why we all had to suffer and the reasons may not be apperent now. I tried to leave her on a happy note but the fact is, I am back to where I was.. the point when everything looked dark and gloomy. I wanted to reach out to friends and tell them I have hit the low once again, but something stopped me. I cant keep bothering them every now and then. I cant depend on external sources of hope. At some point of time, I need to regain my own strength and self esteem. I need to fight my battles alone as I created these in first place. I am going to let this feeling of blues sink in, i want to see how low I can hit the bottoms. I am not going to fight my emotions anymore. I am going to feel them fully.
I have nothing else to say except that I want to overcome all this pain and loss.. i want to live again. How and when I do not know but I am open to life.
I had to take my laptop to the PC lab of the university. It seems my laptop has viruses that are being circulated in the university internet system. Well my indian software for virus threats says everything is fine but it is not acceptable to the network security here and I get blocked out of internet connection every day. It is impossible to live in this world without internet especially when I feel I am dependent on this world of friends that are not with me but could be in different parts of the world. people that I can turn to when I am low and depressed. The thought of not having internet always produces a panic attack in my mind. It is still raining, I carry my laptop to the Heverlee campus, it is heavy but I am optimistic of getting help. I have had four email exhanges already with the PC lab and they were very open and clear that I could bring my PC in anytime during work hours.
I almost felt as if I was accessing health care and my experience proved it correct. I go there and the man at the desk informs me that I have to leave the laptop at the lab for a few days. How many days, that he doesnt know, infact he asked me a very philosophical question. 'can you predict future?'. I said 'No', his answer was 'neither can I'. He asked me if I had taken a back-up of all my files. I had not. I wondered why he could not tell me that I had to take a backup of my files and bring the PC to them with the mental preparation of leaving it there for days that no one knows. Wonder how an university center is suppose to work his way through, when you dont have your PC with you. I could not 'admit' my laptop in this hospital and I decided to come other time when I was sure I wanted to do this.
Is this not how my patients feel? First of all, they come to hospital, only when the pain is unbreable, troubles are beyond their capacity to deal with. They come to us and we bombard them with so many questions which are very obvious from our point of view but they leave the patient feeling stupid about themselves. For example, I wondered why i could not think of taking a back-up of my files, Why I did not anticipate the fact that I may not get 'over the counter service'? Then my patients go back, as they are not sure they are really to undergo what the doctors are suggesting. They want to consult their family before making a decision and we know that in most cases the patient is not going to come back. I brought my virus infected computer home, I removed existing antivirus, I installed free trial versions of antiviruses suggested by friends. That is what my patients do. They go for natural cures, home remedies, alternative remidies, anything that they feel is in their capacity to try out. As I am blogging, the new antivirus is throwing out viruses as pop up windows. I can almost feel that my laptop is on pain. I do not know what else to do. I am doing what I think I can do with the best interest of my computer but is that really the best thing to do? Or I am causing more harm to the computer? Woww, i could write a paper on this dilemma.
On my way home, I got lost in the forest. The rain, the heil, the streams of muddy water, cold, muddy, slimy path, my sports shoes were all soaked in water. The white shoes turned red, entered inside and I could feel my toes going numb. I was cold, i was sad and unsure. My every effort to get out of the forest confused me further and it took a while before finally I could make it home, tired, cold, and ready to collapse. I was hungry, i needed something warm to feel better. I made myself hotchocolate and decided to talk to my mother. My mom, who has been doing great progress in terms of emotional wellbeing, today suddenly sounded very low. In fact she broke into tears on phone and I could feel her vulnerability. She went through the same thoughts all over again, the self blame, guilt, pain, dispair, fear and worries about my well being and future. She hold herself responsible for certain events and failures in my recent life. She was trying hard not to cry. She has been fighting her urge to call him and his family hoping to open channels of communication. I kept consoling her, I kept assuring her I am ok and that we all would be fine. Her only comment was.'If I struggle so hard to keep up the spirits, i cant imagine, what you must be going through. You lost the love of your life and you are in a foreign land. How Could I do this to you? How could I be the person reponsible for your pain?'. I did not know what to say. I did not want to say anything as my voice was already choking. But I wanted to tell her that the fact that she is by my side in every life situation and that she feels my pain, that itself is my source of energy and hope. Yes I have lost something very precious in my life but the life still needs to be lived and it is better to live it happily and in an optimistic way. I cant give up living and flourishing. She cant give up being herself. It is tough time for all of us, not just me and my family but also for him and his family. But there are reasons why we all had to suffer and the reasons may not be apperent now. I tried to leave her on a happy note but the fact is, I am back to where I was.. the point when everything looked dark and gloomy. I wanted to reach out to friends and tell them I have hit the low once again, but something stopped me. I cant keep bothering them every now and then. I cant depend on external sources of hope. At some point of time, I need to regain my own strength and self esteem. I need to fight my battles alone as I created these in first place. I am going to let this feeling of blues sink in, i want to see how low I can hit the bottoms. I am not going to fight my emotions anymore. I am going to feel them fully.
I have nothing else to say except that I want to overcome all this pain and loss.. i want to live again. How and when I do not know but I am open to life.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
My first beer in Belgium
Some days are beautiful and interesting, like for example today. Lot of little moments of fun and also self realization. Well the day started with rain, interestingly, I do not hear rain in my room unless the windows are open. I always relate to sound of rain than seeing the rain. So i walked out of my room happily at 8.45am for school and only when got onto the street, I realized it was raining.
The class today was in Institute of Philosophy. Sometimes I get lost looking at the technological advances in the classrooms here. The overhead projector in its modern avatar, fancy LCD projector, beautiful green colored glass board for traditional writing with white chalk, but this blackboard or lets say green board is also with technological upgrade, one can slide it as per requirements. Today's classroom did not have a cross but had a wash basin instead and I kept wondering if it is expected that students would need to splash water on their face to remain awake and alert. My friend explained to me very seriously that the facility of washbasin is for the professor to wash his hands after the class or he would go home with hands covered in chalk. I somehow never thought of that. The class today was by a philosophy research professor, these were the terms he described himself in. He talked about 'is there a death after life?' . Yes we discussed this huge ethical, moral question about death and life for 3 hours and my brain was ready to die. In the middle of the class, suddenly we started hearing a strange beeping sound and the professor had to go and slap a small machine which looked like a small screen. He said it was essential to let the technology know that the class is still on and it is sensitive to motion and not the sound. I remembered some of my funny experiences in hotel rooms/bathrooms where the lights were sensitive to the body movements, where i was in the dark if i did not make enough physical movements. But I was never in a class where the lights would go off in the absence of motion.
But this is not the main highlight of my day. 2day was a day of great food cooked by a friend, someone who hates vegetarian food but cooked only vegetarian for me. It felt wonderful to be treated so well, with so much concern and care. I met few more people, all students off course, a girl trying to figure out how to decalc the water kettle, a Belgian boy who dreams to speak Spanish like a Spaniard and who feels that taking salsa classes is a best way to get closer to your girlfriend, another Belgian guy who is studying criminology who is vegetarian by choice against unfair trade practices in meat industry in Europe. While we are having food and enjoying talks, the fire alarm goes off and we had to be out in the open. That was quite funny i must say and cold to stand outside while the maintenance men were trying to figure out if there was really any fire.
After all this lovely food, I had to go for meditation. There was no way I could concentrate on breathing and inner peace. My stomach was full with great food, my body sleepy and thoughts hovering over life and death discussion from the morning along with plans to visit police station 2row morning for registering myself as a foreigner in Belgium. Trust me, I dont think I really meditated even for 2 minutes today. I was all over the world, from India to Bangladesh to Europe to China, all in mere one hour. Thanks to my ever wandering mind which refuses to sit quiet. But the day still had more surprises to unfold. I made few more aquentances in meditation class 2day. I think people in this city are very warm and friendly. Each person who comes to my meditation center has such a warm, loving, happy smile that sometimes I find myself staring at their smiles. I want a smile like that.. that is not a bad goal at all. I do zen meditation to achieve a happy and warm smile which comes from within.
As we were getting ready to leave the meditation center, Ii was told that my meditation buddies go for a drink every third Tuesday and I was more than welcome to join them. I was impressed with the thoughtfulness of going for a drink 'after' the meditation. I spontaneously agreed to go with them without realizing 2day was the third Tuesday. A drink after meditation was quite an interesting idea for me, I could not say no. But what was most interesting is that I agreed to go out for a drink with people that I met today. That is strange. My friends in Amsterdam are going to kill me for this as I always avoided going to bars with them. In fact last Thursday I to go out for a drink with my classmates in leuven and here I was today, all eager to experience the beer after meditation. May be I wanted to figure out if alcohol has different effect on one's mind if you have been practicing meditation. Guess what most of my drink companions today were practicing meditation for at least 8 years or more.
We walked to a beautiful restaurant just outside Begijnhof, six of us together. I kept wondering about my comforts with this Belgian group that I agreed to go for a drink with them. My decision was great as I felt glad to have joined them. The group consciously spoke in English so that I could be involved. They made sure I had something to talk to them about. I learned some interesting work that some of them are involved in. When I told them about my weekend to understand biblical references through museum M with the help of my anthropology professor, one of them suddenly said, could you help my daughter understand Hindu gods and goddesses, she has to write an exam about them soon and she says she cant remember the details of each of them, thanks to the large no of gods and goddesses that we have. It turned out that this girl is studying inter-religion communication. I happily agreed to help her as I know how it feels when you are the only one in the class who doesn't know who is Samaritan, who is the 'neighbor' and who is St Augustine? I am terrible in talking to people that I do not know. I am very shy in social contexts, can sit there like a dumb person or at the least I can say as a most boaring person. Today i could effortlessly talk to this group and I kept wondering if it is really me. Trust me it was even before the drinks arrived, so I was not drunk. I ordered my first Belgian beer in Leuven. I enjoyed my first beer and the great conversations that went along. I offcourse got a little lost on my way home in the rain and the darkness but I was happy. I felt a little bit alive again, lets say 1/1000th part of me came alive. but nonetheless it gives hope and I think hope is all I have right now to hold on to.
The question on my mind still is was it really me coming alive or the beer after meditation that did the trick? But may be it is not essential to analyze every aspect of life. I am going to bed with a happy heart and a smiling face hoping that i will sleep well tonite and eventually will have a warm smile on my face for rest of my life irrespective of circumstances I create for myself.
Goodnight...
The class today was in Institute of Philosophy. Sometimes I get lost looking at the technological advances in the classrooms here. The overhead projector in its modern avatar, fancy LCD projector, beautiful green colored glass board for traditional writing with white chalk, but this blackboard or lets say green board is also with technological upgrade, one can slide it as per requirements. Today's classroom did not have a cross but had a wash basin instead and I kept wondering if it is expected that students would need to splash water on their face to remain awake and alert. My friend explained to me very seriously that the facility of washbasin is for the professor to wash his hands after the class or he would go home with hands covered in chalk. I somehow never thought of that. The class today was by a philosophy research professor, these were the terms he described himself in. He talked about 'is there a death after life?' . Yes we discussed this huge ethical, moral question about death and life for 3 hours and my brain was ready to die. In the middle of the class, suddenly we started hearing a strange beeping sound and the professor had to go and slap a small machine which looked like a small screen. He said it was essential to let the technology know that the class is still on and it is sensitive to motion and not the sound. I remembered some of my funny experiences in hotel rooms/bathrooms where the lights were sensitive to the body movements, where i was in the dark if i did not make enough physical movements. But I was never in a class where the lights would go off in the absence of motion.
But this is not the main highlight of my day. 2day was a day of great food cooked by a friend, someone who hates vegetarian food but cooked only vegetarian for me. It felt wonderful to be treated so well, with so much concern and care. I met few more people, all students off course, a girl trying to figure out how to decalc the water kettle, a Belgian boy who dreams to speak Spanish like a Spaniard and who feels that taking salsa classes is a best way to get closer to your girlfriend, another Belgian guy who is studying criminology who is vegetarian by choice against unfair trade practices in meat industry in Europe. While we are having food and enjoying talks, the fire alarm goes off and we had to be out in the open. That was quite funny i must say and cold to stand outside while the maintenance men were trying to figure out if there was really any fire.
After all this lovely food, I had to go for meditation. There was no way I could concentrate on breathing and inner peace. My stomach was full with great food, my body sleepy and thoughts hovering over life and death discussion from the morning along with plans to visit police station 2row morning for registering myself as a foreigner in Belgium. Trust me, I dont think I really meditated even for 2 minutes today. I was all over the world, from India to Bangladesh to Europe to China, all in mere one hour. Thanks to my ever wandering mind which refuses to sit quiet. But the day still had more surprises to unfold. I made few more aquentances in meditation class 2day. I think people in this city are very warm and friendly. Each person who comes to my meditation center has such a warm, loving, happy smile that sometimes I find myself staring at their smiles. I want a smile like that.. that is not a bad goal at all. I do zen meditation to achieve a happy and warm smile which comes from within.
As we were getting ready to leave the meditation center, Ii was told that my meditation buddies go for a drink every third Tuesday and I was more than welcome to join them. I was impressed with the thoughtfulness of going for a drink 'after' the meditation. I spontaneously agreed to go with them without realizing 2day was the third Tuesday. A drink after meditation was quite an interesting idea for me, I could not say no. But what was most interesting is that I agreed to go out for a drink with people that I met today. That is strange. My friends in Amsterdam are going to kill me for this as I always avoided going to bars with them. In fact last Thursday I to go out for a drink with my classmates in leuven and here I was today, all eager to experience the beer after meditation. May be I wanted to figure out if alcohol has different effect on one's mind if you have been practicing meditation. Guess what most of my drink companions today were practicing meditation for at least 8 years or more.
We walked to a beautiful restaurant just outside Begijnhof, six of us together. I kept wondering about my comforts with this Belgian group that I agreed to go for a drink with them. My decision was great as I felt glad to have joined them. The group consciously spoke in English so that I could be involved. They made sure I had something to talk to them about. I learned some interesting work that some of them are involved in. When I told them about my weekend to understand biblical references through museum M with the help of my anthropology professor, one of them suddenly said, could you help my daughter understand Hindu gods and goddesses, she has to write an exam about them soon and she says she cant remember the details of each of them, thanks to the large no of gods and goddesses that we have. It turned out that this girl is studying inter-religion communication. I happily agreed to help her as I know how it feels when you are the only one in the class who doesn't know who is Samaritan, who is the 'neighbor' and who is St Augustine? I am terrible in talking to people that I do not know. I am very shy in social contexts, can sit there like a dumb person or at the least I can say as a most boaring person. Today i could effortlessly talk to this group and I kept wondering if it is really me. Trust me it was even before the drinks arrived, so I was not drunk. I ordered my first Belgian beer in Leuven. I enjoyed my first beer and the great conversations that went along. I offcourse got a little lost on my way home in the rain and the darkness but I was happy. I felt a little bit alive again, lets say 1/1000th part of me came alive. but nonetheless it gives hope and I think hope is all I have right now to hold on to.
The question on my mind still is was it really me coming alive or the beer after meditation that did the trick? But may be it is not essential to analyze every aspect of life. I am going to bed with a happy heart and a smiling face hoping that i will sleep well tonite and eventually will have a warm smile on my face for rest of my life irrespective of circumstances I create for myself.
Goodnight...
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Seemolanghan.. 'stretching one's limits'
Today we celebrate Dashehra/Dasara/Vijayadashami, a Hindu festival celebrated in different names in different parts of the country. Though the ways to celebrate and reasons to celebrate this day could be different in different regions, the themes are quite similar. It indicates the victory of the 'good' and right over the 'bad/evil' or wrong. My friends in ethics, please excuse me for using the words like good and bad and the right and the wrong without qualifying the meaning understood by me.
I remember little rituals I used to perform in the childhood on this particular day. We worship the goddess of knowledge and this is considered an auspicious day to start the schooling for a child. I used to arrange by book shelfs very carefully around this time and pray for knowledge and wisdom. Interestingly it is also a day that we worship weapons. There are mythological stories behind all this. I cant forget walking into the anatomy dissection hall in medical school, the day before Dashehara where our instructor had spread out all the small weapons, surgical tools that we use to dissect the bodies on a clean table amongst the bodies. There were flowers and there we had a small worship. We were told that these instruments are going to be our weapons (I would prefer the word tools over the weapons) to reduce the pain and the suffering of our patients and we had to pray to them asking for wisdom to use these rationally and wisely. It was not an exact place I would have expected to have this kind of Pooja. Anatomy dissection hall gives a very different feeling of dispair and emptiness of human life, though one could also feel very humble and grateful towards life and the beautiful synchronization of body and mind when we are alive. One could feel futility of things that we give undue importance to, while being alive as all that we should be caring about is already there in a functional live body. Anyways.. lot of these memories were triggered about the day, while explaining the significance of the day and some of these rituals to my anthropology professor. Though we ended the discussions soon, the thoughts lingered on.
One aspect of the celebration this day is an event called 'Seemolanghan' Seema is limit or confines and langhan is a verb which means 'to cross' or, 'to stretch beyond'. This was more valid in old days where each village had its own limits clearly defined structurally. On this particular day people were encouraged to cross the limits of the village, their little cosmos. We are talking about the world, when each village was self sufficient, when there were no means of transport or telecommunication. Most life used to unfold within the confines of the place where you are born. But it was known that getting out of your comfort zone, exposing yourself to world beyond what you have created around you could bring about potential growth. When not taken in literal sense it could also mean crossing your own limits, not in terms of physical or geographical space but the limits that we create upon ourselves. The borders or confines that restrict us, it could be due to your gender, your culture or just your own thinking process.
When I look at my life, the limits were not imposed on me from outside. Even being a woman which could have restricted my opportunities, never really affected my life. But what limited me the most was my own pessimistic attitude towards life, my own nature to worry excessively about the future or to mule too much over the past. It is me who limited my potential to grow as a person and a professional. So if I have to stretch my limits or cross my borders, it has to be the confines imposed by my 'very being' on myself. I need to change my thought process. I need to learn from my past and live for the present without getting stressed about future which is unclear and unformed. It is me who has made myself who I am, this sad, depressed woman who has lost faith in life and in goodness in general. I don't see the reason strong enough to justify my negative outlook towards life, I have ample opportunities, brilliant support of family and friends, great teachers and a healthy body. I should not be complaining at all as I have more than what I could have asked for. But it has become a habit to think negative, to worry and I have internalized it in the name of being practical and grounded. I am not talking about being wishful but at the same time I don't always need to think about problems.
So here I am, after a stupidly simple and tasteless dinner on this festival when most Indian families had an excellent feast. I am determined to cross my limits not just on one particular day in a year but slowly and steadily every day, making a slow but definite change in my thinking process, life situation and hence on the situation of others who are closely related to me. I want to believe in myself and believe in my dreams once again and take a leap of faith at life, in life for living my life my way.
Warm greetings for Dashehra to all of you...
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
My happy (Indian) meal
Looking at my blog, one might feel that all I am interested or concerned about in life is food. Well, there are other things that I am concerned about, but I agree food somehow tops the list. I had a terrible dry cheese sandwich this afternoon for lunch, thanks to the bus strike in Leuven. One could clearly see it on my face that I was not at all happy and satisfied with my lunch. I am aware of the fact that large number of people in this world, including in my country do not get one meal a day. I am not criticizing the food, I value food and I am grateful for what I get. But I like to feel good with my food. Ok, enough of food talks.
The class this morning, another theory, another professor, yet another classroom and yes me sitting in the class dozzing in and out of the discussions. I am there and very next moment I am not there. I think some of my classmates have already recognized my mental status but I am afraid that today's professor could see me yawning a couple of times. That doesn't feel nice. I kept wondering about things that I need to take care of. These included some important phone calls back home, some critical follow-ups in financial matters, some emails that I needed to respond to and off course the big question about accommodation in Nijmegen. The class on reference manager could barely make any difference in my disinterest. But I was thrilled to receive a confirmation of my professor's visit to Leuven. I am really looking forward to it. Next week, a very close friend of mine is going to come over and stay with me in Leuven for four days and I can not hide my excitement about it. We have so much to catch up on and she has to teach me how to make salads and I have to teach her how to make dal. To add to it all, on Sunday the 24th, I am meeting four of my close friends from Amsterdam in Brussels. I am so lucky to have such wonderful people around me. These are the friends who make the life livable inspite of all the hardships. Even my classmates now, though we know each other only for a few weeks, are already trying to reach out to each other and help. 2row we all are meeting for dinner and I am sure it is going to be fun.
I walked home through a beautiful park, need to figure my way there alone as today I was guided by someone. But I liked the park, it reminded me of the forest around the lake of meer en vaart in Amsterdam. I was wondering what to cook for dinner and then somehow I felt inspired to cook dal and rice. In only an hour, I cooked perfect rice and amazingly tasty dal. Well most indian women probably will cook 3 or 4 more dishes in one hour for family of four. But given my limited cooking ability and energy, I was impressed with myself. I was so inspired by the cooking that I took pictures and here they are for the world to see. 'my dal and rice', a photographic evidence. The fact that I felt like cooking makes me happy as they could be very early symptoms of return of general interest and zest in life. It is like daffodils coming out after cold winter and you know the spring is not far. I ate my dinner 'zen' way, feeling each grain and each ingredient. I do want to feel alive again, I do want to be that blade of grass which peeps out of its bulb once the slow melts away. I want to bloom into flowers and i want to smile at the world.
The church bells are telling me that it is 9pm, time for me to go to bed.
Good night.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Levinas and 'the face'
Today was quite a day, my first encounter with moral theology and moral theologian was profound. We learned about Emmanuel Levinas and his theory of responsibility from one of his close friends and disciples. The professor teaching the course is renowned scholar on Levinas and he is also involved in teaching in Poone and Bangalore back home. He had so much energy and enthusiasm to teach that I was quite stunned. He took his class in a traditional way, no power points, a black board and a chalk and off course loads and loads of stories. The stories were about his personal interaction with Levinas and though the stories initially felt out of place, by the end of five hours we realized how the stories actually helped us get glimpses of levinas as a person beyond his philosophy. In fact at some point of time sitting in the class, i felt as if i was time to go to bed, a perfect environment, a warm class (outside it was freezing cold), warm and laughing professor and his interesting stories. I did manage to keep awake through most of his lecture. I must confess that most of his talk was not just a theory but something that each one of us could reflect upon in terms of our personal lives and it did become a bit confronting in context of my recent life events. But as another friend later said to me, that is what philosophy is all about, it hits you somewhere within. I will remember the professor of this morning every time i look at a 'Face' as we spend quite a lot of time talking about the face. My worldview towards facebook also has undergone a profound change after the face discussion. How lightly we take the other, how easily we reduce the other to its visible form and how important it is to let the other speak through its form. There were many beautiful one liners in the class today, I should have written them down.
Well after a slump in my mood after levinas impact on my mind, I had another adventure this evening. Today was my first day at zen meditation program. I met 6 zen practitioners who were all very friendly. I realized how difficult it is for me to sit in a correct posture. My back, legs were hurting as I was trying to concentrate on my breathing. The teacher told me not to struggle, to let go and that is the key to start living zen way, to wash dishes in a zen way and to do a laundry in zen way. I know I have a long way to go but I am glad that I have taken first step towards letting go and I will keep working on it till I can really let go. I am looking forward to meeting them all again next tuesday.
My classmates right now are still lingering over Levinas, worrying about tomorrows class or even the case studies which are due submission soon. I like the mad email exchange is going around. I am not going to read Levinas or the articles for tomorrow. I think I am going to go to bed and fall asleep thinking about some of the stories I heard this morning in the class.
Good Night world..
Well after a slump in my mood after levinas impact on my mind, I had another adventure this evening. Today was my first day at zen meditation program. I met 6 zen practitioners who were all very friendly. I realized how difficult it is for me to sit in a correct posture. My back, legs were hurting as I was trying to concentrate on my breathing. The teacher told me not to struggle, to let go and that is the key to start living zen way, to wash dishes in a zen way and to do a laundry in zen way. I know I have a long way to go but I am glad that I have taken first step towards letting go and I will keep working on it till I can really let go. I am looking forward to meeting them all again next tuesday.
My classmates right now are still lingering over Levinas, worrying about tomorrows class or even the case studies which are due submission soon. I like the mad email exchange is going around. I am not going to read Levinas or the articles for tomorrow. I think I am going to go to bed and fall asleep thinking about some of the stories I heard this morning in the class.
Good Night world..
Monday, October 11, 2010
The cold, the icecreme, zen meditation and theorie in Moral Theology
The title of the blog describes more or less my day today. A friend of mine yesterday explained to me some basic facts about sleep hygiene and I decided to follow her suggestions. For last year or more, I have been having great troubles in getting six to eight hours of good night sleep. I have been dreaming a lot and these dreams I clearly remember on waking up . 80% of these dreams are scary, dark and disturbing. I wake up in the morning feeling exhausted. With the help of my friend, I am trying to work on this. I think this one year is dedicated to address my long standing problems, for example the problem of sleep, feeling low and depressed or feeling restless and unsatisfied with myself. I went to bed after midnight and was very tired to wake up this morning, really did not feel like getting up.
The temperatures today were expected to drop to 4 or 5 degree C. I was already thinking about it. Do I have enough warm clothes? Would I be ok? That is my another problem. I worry too much about everything under the sun. I was not even sure what I am going to make for breakfast. I like to have a good healthy breakfast but it has not happened yet. Either I do not have the appetite or I am too tired to cook something early in the morning. I left home without breakfast. It was not that cold outside. I had expected worse. I had to pick up my rental contract from the housing office and the lady there was really kind to get me the documents immediately. I needed it this afternoon to open the bank account. While talking to the lady at the housing department, I asked her about Zen meditation center in University Parisch. It is interesting that only when I have lost my physical and mental health completely that I am thinking of restoring it through every possible means. It is regular exercise, healthier food, regularized sleep cycles and off course meditation to calm my mind down. I am not one of those who gets hyper about something just transiently. Once I take something on my mind, I follow it up relentlessly. I spent time googling about zen meditation center last evening, only to find out that there is a center at 2 minutes walk from my house but then I noticed that this information was last updated in 1992. To be honest, I did not have any hope that this information would still be valid and that I could get in touch with the concerned person. But sometimes things happen when you do not expect them to happen so easily. The lady at the housing was kind to search it for me on the university page. She had to struggle a bit but there she was and she did find a small article with the contact details of the lady that she knew for sure as resident of my area. The phone call was made and the two ladies spoke to each other in Dutch about this new Indian student who wants to be part of meditation group. I was overwhelmed with that gesture. I really did not expect it to be so easy. The elderly lady who is practicing meditation agreed to meet me this evening so that she could orient me a bit before actual meditation hour tomorrow evening.Was I dreaming with open eyes. It turns out that the person whose contact details I had found in web update of 1992 is still actively involved in this meditation center and I will be meeting him tomorrow. In my excitement I forgot to inquire if the old lady speaks English and as it turned out, she could not. So we had this great interaction of 15 minutes this evening when we could not speak or understand each others language and she was trying to get across the techniques of meditation. I just loved the old woman, she looked so calm and relaxed. Had a lovely warm smile, she would speak endless in dutch, followed by 'I am sorry I cant speak English'. I kept saying 'Go on,Do not worry, I am trying to understand what you are saying'. I was just looking at the lady, trying to absorb her into me. I never have had opportunity to be with my grandparents. I wonder how it feels to have a loving grandmother in whose arms I could be myself. I could cry my heart out, i could be comforted. I was almost tempted to give this lady a big hug but then stopped myself thinking it may not be culturally appropriate. I really want to grow into a happy, accomplished old woman, a loving grandmother who could be friends with her grand children. Who is not deterred by her chronological age as she has this almost child like enthusiasm to absorb and live life, experience new things and laugh at herself. That is the kind of woman I want to be, who wont repent on her death bed thinking she should have followed her dreams and small desires, whether it was to visit arctic region to see the Arora Borealis or to gulp a big chocolate pastry.
Well, these two ladies made my day today. The theoretical discussion was interesting but i am still struggling to understand what is theology and what is virtue? what do we mean when we talk about morality? I know there are no easy and quick answers to any of those questions and I will slowly have to answer them for myself. On my way home, to celebrate my happiness, I ate a scoop of chocolate ice creme.
Its time to go to bed. I have not done my readings for tomorrow but I am feeling tired. Good Night world (well at least part of the world which is suppose to surrender itself to the peaceful world of sleep goddess)
Sunday, October 10, 2010
I cooked perfect rice..
Every new place I go to, I need to befriend the cooking systems there. Being a vegetarian in most parts of the world is quite challenging and here I am in Europe where a vegetarian meal is mostly french fries or mashed potatoes. The best stove for me is ordinary gas operated stove which has visible flame of fire, something that I can see and adjust. The flame on which I can roast papads and puff my phulkas. The hardships to be pally with high tech induction stove in my apartment in Amsterdam is a story in itself and I would elaborate on it sometime later.
Currently I have a hotplate like induction stove. Has a knob like adjustment with range from 1 to 3. At one, there is no heating and at three, it heats too much and too fast. So, all my attention while cooking is on adjusting the knobs. Last five days, I had given myself a task of cooking perfect basmati rice, with each grain separated. Guess what, I could not come even close. I either burnt it, or it remained half-cooked or it became Indonesian sticky rice.Though I studied physics, I forgot the simple fact of life that once food is cooked and the stove is turned off, the induction heat would continue for a while. That is how I burn my food, by keeping the pot on the hotplate after the food is cooked.
This evening, I treated myself with a movie. Eat Pray Love. This is my favorite book. May be because I can relate to it. I was very excited about the movie and what better thing to do on Sunday evening rather than watching a film. It is definitely better than reading ethical theories. Sitting in the movie hall and watching Julia Robers eat great food in Italy, it was no wonder that I came home hungry. At 11pm, best thing to cook is some rice and dal and that is what i did and guess what I used my experience of last five days to avoid the mistakes I have been doing while cooking rice. The proportion of water and rice is now almost perfect, thanks to trial and error method of last five days, the heat adjustment is now almost acheived and I have learned most important lesson that is to turn of the heat five minutes before, so that the rice cooks perfectly while the pot sits on the hotseat and it doesnt get burnt. Viola... I think thats what they say here often.. something that means perfect.. or excellent or fabulous. That was my reaction when I opened the lid of the pot after 10 mins and the perfectly cooked basmati rice was smiling at me and the flavour of it went straight to my brain making me feel all the more hungry..
Now after mastering the art of cooking perfect rice with hot plate, i want to take up the challenge of trying chapatis.. what say guys?
Currently I have a hotplate like induction stove. Has a knob like adjustment with range from 1 to 3. At one, there is no heating and at three, it heats too much and too fast. So, all my attention while cooking is on adjusting the knobs. Last five days, I had given myself a task of cooking perfect basmati rice, with each grain separated. Guess what, I could not come even close. I either burnt it, or it remained half-cooked or it became Indonesian sticky rice.Though I studied physics, I forgot the simple fact of life that once food is cooked and the stove is turned off, the induction heat would continue for a while. That is how I burn my food, by keeping the pot on the hotplate after the food is cooked.
This evening, I treated myself with a movie. Eat Pray Love. This is my favorite book. May be because I can relate to it. I was very excited about the movie and what better thing to do on Sunday evening rather than watching a film. It is definitely better than reading ethical theories. Sitting in the movie hall and watching Julia Robers eat great food in Italy, it was no wonder that I came home hungry. At 11pm, best thing to cook is some rice and dal and that is what i did and guess what I used my experience of last five days to avoid the mistakes I have been doing while cooking rice. The proportion of water and rice is now almost perfect, thanks to trial and error method of last five days, the heat adjustment is now almost acheived and I have learned most important lesson that is to turn of the heat five minutes before, so that the rice cooks perfectly while the pot sits on the hotseat and it doesnt get burnt. Viola... I think thats what they say here often.. something that means perfect.. or excellent or fabulous. That was my reaction when I opened the lid of the pot after 10 mins and the perfectly cooked basmati rice was smiling at me and the flavour of it went straight to my brain making me feel all the more hungry..
Now after mastering the art of cooking perfect rice with hot plate, i want to take up the challenge of trying chapatis.. what say guys?
Saturday, October 9, 2010
What does one do when they are not at their best?
It has been a real long time since my last post (off course there are only two posts there). The last one was when I said goodbye to him at the Schiphol airport,I was sad but I knew he was with me. Now I don't know whether he is with me, whether he will ever be with me and I am trying to recollect the broken pieces of 'my dream' and make something out of it. That explains the title of the blog, right?
I run away from the circumstances when I am not at my best. I ran away on 23rd of August. I am still trying to understand why I ran away even when I know there is no point thinking about it. But that is how mind works, trying to tire itself behind things and situation which should be just left unattended.
The other thing I often do when I am not in my very best is to uproot myself from my current environment and go some place new, try and start a new chapter of life. That is what precisely I am doing right now and this blog is suppose to tell that story.
SO, Groot Begijnhof is my new address. I am sitting by the window with the view of the old church. The best thing I like about my place is the church bells, I cant describe their sound in words, it is something that needs to be experienced. My surroundings date back to 12th century, it is really old structure, old paved paths, old fountains and nice green gardens. The apartments though old from outside are renovated from inside and one can lead a comfortable life. That is what I am planning to do. A friend of mine says, 'Groot Begijnhof is a place to rest and meditate'. I think I need both and in last 5 days that I have been here, I have done neither of it.
I go silent, almost withdraw into a shell when I am not in my very best. I can hide in my room for days together, almost live in a soundproof world. I have lost my voice along with my self esteem in last 6 weeks or so and the feelings are so numb that even sound of music of any sort hurts. It brings back a lot of painful memories. The books keep me company but thanks to weight restriction on airlines, I have no books to read. I had to prioritize on food items and warm clothes over emotional companions like books. Through the large glass window, I get ample sunlight and that makes me smile. I love sunshine and I am hoping that he wont leave me so soon. This is in context of winter coming up and I remember how lonely I felt when the days went by without sunshine in cold winters in Amsterdam last year.
I loose all my true characters when I am not at my best. For example, I am a highly organized person, very meticulous in keeping my place clean and structured. But looking at my surroundings right now, I don't think one can guess it is my room, especially if they know me when I am at my best. I am a green girl. Along with the sunshine, the other thing that makes me happy are the green patches. Fortunately through my window I can still see the green treas, though the change of autumn colour is already visible. I bought myself some plants this morning, to keep me company and make me happy. I love to eat when i am happy. Now, the days could go by when i do not feel like touching food. I cant stop talking when I am good, now silence seems to be my comfort zone. I have spent all afternoon today looking for meditation courses around me. Only when I am not at my best, I realize that health is more than mere absence of disease and has crucial components like emotional, spiritual and mental health along with physical health.
The sunlight is beautifully reflecting through the window in front of me. The evening is magical, calm and serene. I hope there will be a time when I will feel the same way about myself and my life that it is magical, calm and serene. I have not been like this. This is not me and I don't recognize this person I am right now. I am really looking for my own lost 'self'. How can I find 'her'? Any suggestions?
I run away from the circumstances when I am not at my best. I ran away on 23rd of August. I am still trying to understand why I ran away even when I know there is no point thinking about it. But that is how mind works, trying to tire itself behind things and situation which should be just left unattended.
The other thing I often do when I am not in my very best is to uproot myself from my current environment and go some place new, try and start a new chapter of life. That is what precisely I am doing right now and this blog is suppose to tell that story.
SO, Groot Begijnhof is my new address. I am sitting by the window with the view of the old church. The best thing I like about my place is the church bells, I cant describe their sound in words, it is something that needs to be experienced. My surroundings date back to 12th century, it is really old structure, old paved paths, old fountains and nice green gardens. The apartments though old from outside are renovated from inside and one can lead a comfortable life. That is what I am planning to do. A friend of mine says, 'Groot Begijnhof is a place to rest and meditate'. I think I need both and in last 5 days that I have been here, I have done neither of it.
I go silent, almost withdraw into a shell when I am not in my very best. I can hide in my room for days together, almost live in a soundproof world. I have lost my voice along with my self esteem in last 6 weeks or so and the feelings are so numb that even sound of music of any sort hurts. It brings back a lot of painful memories. The books keep me company but thanks to weight restriction on airlines, I have no books to read. I had to prioritize on food items and warm clothes over emotional companions like books. Through the large glass window, I get ample sunlight and that makes me smile. I love sunshine and I am hoping that he wont leave me so soon. This is in context of winter coming up and I remember how lonely I felt when the days went by without sunshine in cold winters in Amsterdam last year.
I loose all my true characters when I am not at my best. For example, I am a highly organized person, very meticulous in keeping my place clean and structured. But looking at my surroundings right now, I don't think one can guess it is my room, especially if they know me when I am at my best. I am a green girl. Along with the sunshine, the other thing that makes me happy are the green patches. Fortunately through my window I can still see the green treas, though the change of autumn colour is already visible. I bought myself some plants this morning, to keep me company and make me happy. I love to eat when i am happy. Now, the days could go by when i do not feel like touching food. I cant stop talking when I am good, now silence seems to be my comfort zone. I have spent all afternoon today looking for meditation courses around me. Only when I am not at my best, I realize that health is more than mere absence of disease and has crucial components like emotional, spiritual and mental health along with physical health.
The sunlight is beautifully reflecting through the window in front of me. The evening is magical, calm and serene. I hope there will be a time when I will feel the same way about myself and my life that it is magical, calm and serene. I have not been like this. This is not me and I don't recognize this person I am right now. I am really looking for my own lost 'self'. How can I find 'her'? Any suggestions?
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