It has been a real long time since my last post (off course there are only two posts there). The last one was when I said goodbye to him at the Schiphol airport,I was sad but I knew he was with me. Now I don't know whether he is with me, whether he will ever be with me and I am trying to recollect the broken pieces of 'my dream' and make something out of it. That explains the title of the blog, right?
I run away from the circumstances when I am not at my best. I ran away on 23rd of August. I am still trying to understand why I ran away even when I know there is no point thinking about it. But that is how mind works, trying to tire itself behind things and situation which should be just left unattended.
The other thing I often do when I am not in my very best is to uproot myself from my current environment and go some place new, try and start a new chapter of life. That is what precisely I am doing right now and this blog is suppose to tell that story.
SO, Groot Begijnhof is my new address. I am sitting by the window with the view of the old church. The best thing I like about my place is the church bells, I cant describe their sound in words, it is something that needs to be experienced. My surroundings date back to 12th century, it is really old structure, old paved paths, old fountains and nice green gardens. The apartments though old from outside are renovated from inside and one can lead a comfortable life. That is what I am planning to do. A friend of mine says, 'Groot Begijnhof is a place to rest and meditate'. I think I need both and in last 5 days that I have been here, I have done neither of it.
I go silent, almost withdraw into a shell when I am not in my very best. I can hide in my room for days together, almost live in a soundproof world. I have lost my voice along with my self esteem in last 6 weeks or so and the feelings are so numb that even sound of music of any sort hurts. It brings back a lot of painful memories. The books keep me company but thanks to weight restriction on airlines, I have no books to read. I had to prioritize on food items and warm clothes over emotional companions like books. Through the large glass window, I get ample sunlight and that makes me smile. I love sunshine and I am hoping that he wont leave me so soon. This is in context of winter coming up and I remember how lonely I felt when the days went by without sunshine in cold winters in Amsterdam last year.
I loose all my true characters when I am not at my best. For example, I am a highly organized person, very meticulous in keeping my place clean and structured. But looking at my surroundings right now, I don't think one can guess it is my room, especially if they know me when I am at my best. I am a green girl. Along with the sunshine, the other thing that makes me happy are the green patches. Fortunately through my window I can still see the green treas, though the change of autumn colour is already visible. I bought myself some plants this morning, to keep me company and make me happy. I love to eat when i am happy. Now, the days could go by when i do not feel like touching food. I cant stop talking when I am good, now silence seems to be my comfort zone. I have spent all afternoon today looking for meditation courses around me. Only when I am not at my best, I realize that health is more than mere absence of disease and has crucial components like emotional, spiritual and mental health along with physical health.
The sunlight is beautifully reflecting through the window in front of me. The evening is magical, calm and serene. I hope there will be a time when I will feel the same way about myself and my life that it is magical, calm and serene. I have not been like this. This is not me and I don't recognize this person I am right now. I am really looking for my own lost 'self'. How can I find 'her'? Any suggestions?
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