There are some days that are difficult to deal with, like for example today. Since Morning, nothing really went as planned. I remember distinctly waking up this morning with a smile and wishing myself a fascinating day. No breakfast as I had no time, no ingredients (thanks to my refrigerator which does not function) and I had to be at the police station at 8am. Well, the concerned officer was not there even at 8.35am and I was asked to come back again. I said to them 'No problem' but I know it was not a good start. Brought a Croissant on my way home and I started walking down to school. I realized I went to a wrong classroom but I was not the only one. A number of us went to a wrong classroom, as there was some miscommunication. Again walked in other direction in the rain to get to the right classroom. The class as usual, did not make much sense but the releif was that there were others who shared the same feelings. I was not the only one. Since when did I start finding comforts in the fact that I was not the only one, only one to have lost my way, only one to not have understood anything. I have always been the only one who will do things which no one else would want to do. This shift has been quite a recent phenomenon, not something that I particularly like.
I had to take my laptop to the PC lab of the university. It seems my laptop has viruses that are being circulated in the university internet system. Well my indian software for virus threats says everything is fine but it is not acceptable to the network security here and I get blocked out of internet connection every day. It is impossible to live in this world without internet especially when I feel I am dependent on this world of friends that are not with me but could be in different parts of the world. people that I can turn to when I am low and depressed. The thought of not having internet always produces a panic attack in my mind. It is still raining, I carry my laptop to the Heverlee campus, it is heavy but I am optimistic of getting help. I have had four email exhanges already with the PC lab and they were very open and clear that I could bring my PC in anytime during work hours.
I almost felt as if I was accessing health care and my experience proved it correct. I go there and the man at the desk informs me that I have to leave the laptop at the lab for a few days. How many days, that he doesnt know, infact he asked me a very philosophical question. 'can you predict future?'. I said 'No', his answer was 'neither can I'. He asked me if I had taken a back-up of all my files. I had not. I wondered why he could not tell me that I had to take a backup of my files and bring the PC to them with the mental preparation of leaving it there for days that no one knows. Wonder how an university center is suppose to work his way through, when you dont have your PC with you. I could not 'admit' my laptop in this hospital and I decided to come other time when I was sure I wanted to do this.
Is this not how my patients feel? First of all, they come to hospital, only when the pain is unbreable, troubles are beyond their capacity to deal with. They come to us and we bombard them with so many questions which are very obvious from our point of view but they leave the patient feeling stupid about themselves. For example, I wondered why i could not think of taking a back-up of my files, Why I did not anticipate the fact that I may not get 'over the counter service'? Then my patients go back, as they are not sure they are really to undergo what the doctors are suggesting. They want to consult their family before making a decision and we know that in most cases the patient is not going to come back. I brought my virus infected computer home, I removed existing antivirus, I installed free trial versions of antiviruses suggested by friends. That is what my patients do. They go for natural cures, home remedies, alternative remidies, anything that they feel is in their capacity to try out. As I am blogging, the new antivirus is throwing out viruses as pop up windows. I can almost feel that my laptop is on pain. I do not know what else to do. I am doing what I think I can do with the best interest of my computer but is that really the best thing to do? Or I am causing more harm to the computer? Woww, i could write a paper on this dilemma.
On my way home, I got lost in the forest. The rain, the heil, the streams of muddy water, cold, muddy, slimy path, my sports shoes were all soaked in water. The white shoes turned red, entered inside and I could feel my toes going numb. I was cold, i was sad and unsure. My every effort to get out of the forest confused me further and it took a while before finally I could make it home, tired, cold, and ready to collapse. I was hungry, i needed something warm to feel better. I made myself hotchocolate and decided to talk to my mother. My mom, who has been doing great progress in terms of emotional wellbeing, today suddenly sounded very low. In fact she broke into tears on phone and I could feel her vulnerability. She went through the same thoughts all over again, the self blame, guilt, pain, dispair, fear and worries about my well being and future. She hold herself responsible for certain events and failures in my recent life. She was trying hard not to cry. She has been fighting her urge to call him and his family hoping to open channels of communication. I kept consoling her, I kept assuring her I am ok and that we all would be fine. Her only comment was.'If I struggle so hard to keep up the spirits, i cant imagine, what you must be going through. You lost the love of your life and you are in a foreign land. How Could I do this to you? How could I be the person reponsible for your pain?'. I did not know what to say. I did not want to say anything as my voice was already choking. But I wanted to tell her that the fact that she is by my side in every life situation and that she feels my pain, that itself is my source of energy and hope. Yes I have lost something very precious in my life but the life still needs to be lived and it is better to live it happily and in an optimistic way. I cant give up living and flourishing. She cant give up being herself. It is tough time for all of us, not just me and my family but also for him and his family. But there are reasons why we all had to suffer and the reasons may not be apperent now. I tried to leave her on a happy note but the fact is, I am back to where I was.. the point when everything looked dark and gloomy. I wanted to reach out to friends and tell them I have hit the low once again, but something stopped me. I cant keep bothering them every now and then. I cant depend on external sources of hope. At some point of time, I need to regain my own strength and self esteem. I need to fight my battles alone as I created these in first place. I am going to let this feeling of blues sink in, i want to see how low I can hit the bottoms. I am not going to fight my emotions anymore. I am going to feel them fully.
I have nothing else to say except that I want to overcome all this pain and loss.. i want to live again. How and when I do not know but I am open to life.
No comments:
Post a Comment