12 destinations on my journey of self healing.

Not so long ago, on 24th August 2010, my life took an unexpected turn. I chose the path without realizing once on that path, I would never be the same me, nor will I have my loved ones with me. The decision was mine, I am not denying my responsibility irrespective of the situations which were created around me. It took me a while to realize what I have lost for ever and there was no going back. It was wiser, many suggested to move on the new path without holding hopes or trying to go back as that door was closed for me permanently.

The days that followed could only be described in terms of guilt, pain, suffering, self doubt and anger towards myself for being so stupid, weak, irrational, immature and selfish (all these objectives were used by most of my friends back home) and I soon internalized these objectives so sincerely that they became my identity, i started describing myself in the same words without even questioning the underlying assumptions friends had made about me and my actions.

I had to rediscover who I am? I had to find ways to look at my own self in the mirror again. I had to regain my lost confidence and self esteem. I was reduced to nothing but a weak woman who could not take an important step in her life. My mother, brother and a handful of friends still stood rock solid by my side. They did not understand my actions completely and they also felt shocked and surprised but their main interest was in my well-being and they provided me with unconditional support and love. It is because of them, I could walk this far on my solitary path.

I had to get out of Mumbai after the aftermath in my personal life which affected 2 families in profound ways. The other family has shut itself off from me and my family, almost as if they have built strong walls around them and no means of communication could penetrate through them. But on the other side, the skype turned out to be a new lifeline. Friends took turns to call me so that i would not feel alone and isolated. When I was rapidly going downhill, my close friend from medical school invited me to spend a week with her in China. Even amidst my non ending tears and sleepless nights, her words worked magic on me and I actually started to think about visiting her in Guangzhou in southern China. People love to have you around when you are in your happy, chirpy best but not when you are feeling worthless and useless. Before realizing it, I had booked my ticket to China and my visa application was in. I was lucky to get the visa without any troubles which was another surprise for me. There I was in Guangzhou from 20th to 26th September at my friend's home. She allowed me to cry, she stood there just in case I needed her, she listened to my unclear words amidst sobs for hours together and she helped me look at my own life in a different light. All the courage I had hold on to till that moment fell apart in her house and I fell sick and she nursed me through my sickness while she was taking care of her two little ones, 5 and 2 years old. She cooked for me, she urged me to eat, she worried about my health and she allowed me to be a vulnerable woman within the safety walls of her home. She knew I was flying off to Belgium next week and she wanted me to cry my heart out in her arms (something I had to hide in front of my mother). She left a beautiful handwritten letter for me on my suitcase and she asked me to leave all my pain and fears in the southern China sea before flying home.

Then I was in Leuven from beginning of October, with my friends in Amsterdam just across the border. I made new friends here who helped me to be strong and to start living everyday life again. The course work forced me to think about things beyond my personal loss. on 24th October, I met five of my close friends from the Netherlands in Brussels. We spent a day together. They came only to keep me company and to make me feel better. The day went well but when some of them had to go back to Amsterdam, I broke into tears like a stupid child at Brussels station, uncontrollable sobs. My friend from El Salvador stayed back with me for few more days in leuven and that night I could again cry my heart out in her arms. I was trying hard to hold back my tears but they seemed non ending. She is a wonderful psychologist, she has seen me suffer without sleeping a wink, she just stayed awake by my side encouraging me to talk and to cry as much as I would like. She silently kept offering me tissue paper and holding my hand in assurance. Another month passed by and I must say I already started feeling a bit better.

She went back to Amsterdam but made sure that in November she will bring me to Amsterdam, where I feel really at home. It also coincided with her last days in Amsterdam before flying to San Salvador. I was counting days and I came back yesterday after spending 4 fascinating days in Amsterdam, meeting friends, biking around the city, going back to my school, eating and laughing. I did not cry this time, rather i felt as light as a feather without any intoxicants. I slept so good all three nights as if I never had trouble falling asleep. The trip was more than what I could have asked for. I met another great friend from Mumbai who was visiting Amsterdam for work. Met another of my close friend from Bangladesh whom I saw after 4 years. The olliebollen and the Christmas markets, I came alive after a long time. On my train ride from Leuven to Amsterdam, I had this interesting idea.

I am going to spend 24th day of every month in a new place, in a way marking the day. It started with Guangzhou, Brussels and then Amsterdam. Each of these days has helped me feel better in its own ways. Most importantly these days, the cities and the friends clearly told me that I am not alone, I still have a few special people by my side even when most of the others have turned their backs and have walked away from me. They gave me hope and they helped me smile again. I owe them big time. Next month I will be falling into silence in a meditation retreat and then from January on, my agenda is free to make new plans. I am curious where is life going to take me each month and I am open to travelling to places as long as I don't need visa and it is affordable. I mean I would love to hide amongst penguins on Antarctica but I cant afford it right now. I am going to write about these experiences and that will be my way of giving something back to the places and the people that have offered me so much in my life. Its my tribute to them.

Soon, I will be posting my Amsterdam experience, it is still fresh on my mind and in a way I feel I left a piece of my soul behind in this city. Not long ago, he had consoled me when I lost my one pearl earing in Amsterdam. His words were 'you loved your earing and you love the city of Amsterdam, so think of it as if you left your precious pearl earing for the city that you adore. it is your little gift to the city and that way you have left a part of you behind for the city to cherish'. My pearl earing is at the bottom of one of those canals by now but this time, I left my soul behind in this city....