Reflection..

I am convinced that I have a major mind block. Whatever I learn or do should have some applicability in real world and that too in immediate future or it makes no sense to me and I loose my interest completely. Yesterday night while talking to the ghost and discussing one of the emails I received from a friend back home, I suddenly realized that this needs to change. I have to open my senses and soul to new insights and should not screen them on the criteria of usefulness or applicability before letting it sink in me.

The next realization was how much I have lost in terms of learning in last 31 years for this obsession of mine. It is no point taking account of all those losses but if i look at my recent time I have definitely lost some six weeks of great learning opportunity. I kept rejecting all those ideologies which made no sense to me as they felt alien in my country's context. I had convinced myself that I don't understand these theories and these philosophies and my mind wandered all around. I was always in the classroom but at the same time i was not there. One can imagine how frustrating it could be to sit somewhere where it makes no sense to you. I started feeling bored, lost and disinterested and I further moved away from the possibility of learning something new. What a vicious circle and I did not even realize it all this while.

I kept thinking about it as I went to bed last night. I agree lot has been lost but still I can prevent further losses. I have to make conscious efforts to open my mind and that is what I am going to do from today onwards. All the readers that I have thrown in the corner have already made it safely to my work table. I am not going to close the reader in first two paragraphs saying 'what the hell is this, I don't understand a word'. No, there wont be such a easy escape. I am going to sit with it till I can make slight gap in this tightly closed door between myself and the world of philosophy. I am going to befriend philosophy.May be there is a way to understand a philosophical writing or an argument, something that I do not know as if I don't have that pair of glasses to look at it. I remember how strange was the shift from epidemiology and bio statistics to social science research. But because I felt more at home with social science, it was effortless comfort and i never had to think about it. Now my initiation into philosophy and theology will definitely need some serious effort and I am going to do everything in my capacity to get little 'into' it.

I wondered for very long time if I have some sort of learning disability. May be learning disability is too strong and also a 'fashionable' word these days. I could say I have some different learning pattern. I could never master the art of taking notes. If I start making notes, I miss on lot of words that continue to fall on my ears and soon I have to give up taking notes. In my class here, my fellow classmates take such beautiful notes, their note taking styles could be a separate blog post with some beautiful pictures. I sit there listening to the teacher and I am good at it. The problem is not listening, the problem is what I find more interesting in my listening. For example, I am very good in picking up stories, I can repeat the stories that are told in the lecture exactly the way they were told. When these stories are narrated, my mind immediately starts visualizing those stories in three dimensions and that story becomes even more interesting. The people and the places come alive in front of my eyes as the words are entering into my ears. One could actually find me sitting in the class listening seriously with a faint smile on my face, smile comes from movie like visual inprint of the auditory inputs from the lecture which are unfolding in front of my eyes almost 'live'. So, I come home with bags full of stories but then if someone asks me what do I think about the argument in the class, I am lost. Ohhh no, I was suppose to pay attention to the argument and not the stories.. stories were just to get to the argument. I have missed the whole point. I dont know what the argument was, how was it supported and what was the critic of the argument? I feel so stupid and ashamed. I spent 6 hours there turning the told stories into visual stories and completely missed the point. I am not in a movie making class, I am trying to study ethical theories.... there I go hitting the bottom and feeling all the more stupid and jealous about all the philosophy and theology students around me who seem to have understood everything... I walk home with heavy feet and sad soul reminding myself ten times what a looser I am. May be this is why totto-chan was expelled out of the school at the age of five and I run the risk of meeting the same fate at the age of 31.

I need a teacher like totto-chan's new teacher. Someone who will guide me through the process of learning. I need the little letters in the mailbox like in Sophie's world, someone who will make me think in the right direction (and keep me away from making my own little films). I want to understand how to read and understand the theoretical argument and trust me I am a good student, so all these efforts wont go a waste. I seriously want to make friends with the theories and I am ready to make all the efforts needed. Is there any help I could get from this universe?