March 2011 Day 1

I feel sad and overwhelmed as my days in Nijmegen are coming to an end. Part of it could be uncertainty of what future holds but is that not universal? Who knows what unexpected turns and crossroads await our seemingly routine life? I have been thinking a lot about ways to change this feeling of blue and turning it into something fun, memorable and worth trying for.

Yesterday i was flipping through some of the blogs from the bloggers that I follow and it became clear that many bloggers go through the feelings i am struggling with right now. They have been creative about finding answers and some of them have gone a step further and shared it with others through their blog. One such idea I found fascinating is called Project 365 in collaboration with flickr. It asks people to take a picture a day, capture different themes, moods and try to summarize your day either through the picture itself or through little description of what made you capture that moment in a picture. There were some examples posted about various participants of project 365 and I must say it was interesting way to keep oneself motivated. It also feels like a nice, systematic way of creating a pictorial memoir to reflect on, few years down the line.

I woke up this morning and started fiddling with my list of things to do. That is how generally i start my day. Today I decided to start my day differently, no lists to follow, no tasks to complete. I was going to do nothing as per the plan. I decided to surprise myself and allow my body and mind to tell me what I should do and how I should spend my day. Spending a day this way was not hard but I think what was hard was not to feel guilty for having wasted a day. This concept waste is such a problematic concept anyways! who decides what is waste? in what context and from what perspective? No more task oriented activities today. I asked myself what do I want to do today?

First I downloaded pictures from my camera onto laptop, I have lost interest in taking pictures for about 8 months now, this has to change I told myself. I flipped through some of my photo collections, off course some painful memories came back but to be honest, i also had many moments of smile just looking at the pictures and reliving those moments and the happy moments outweighed the sad memories for sure. Then I decided to put some of those pictures on facebook. I have been consciously avoiding facebook but today I decided to change my cautionary approach to facebook into one with excitement and enthusiasm. The first picture that went alive was of my dinner plate from last night. Spinach, spicy potato vegetable with cumin seeds and beautiful golden coloured soft phulka.. I had a perfect meal last night and though I was hungry, something compelled me to take a picture before eating it. Must be the inspiration of project 365. I looked at the picture and at food in particular with love and tenderness of the kind that a mother might look at the picture of her new born baby. I smiled to myself. I knew it was working magic in some ways. Immediately there were pop -ups of friends liking the picture from different corners of the world, Nijmegen, Nepal and Nigeria to be precise. I knew why facebook becomes so addictive, this immediate thumbs-up that you receive across world wide web, across national borders and oceans. Soon Spain, Zambia and Bolivia followed. I could only laugh at my own silliness and the happiness that i felt through this silly encouragement and appreciation.

Next I decided to let my hair loose and dance a bit in my apartment. I put my favourite music on, closed the window, pulled the curtains, closed my eyes and started swirling to the music. Closing eyes always helps. I was sure no body from outside could see me dance alone, even i myself could not see me dancing. That would have made me very uncomfortable. It was my body and music , no rules, no aims, no goals just the sheer joy of dancing to the tunes of music and it felt magical. I was happy and light as a feather with a smile stretching from ear to ear. This was Tara, who had inspired me to try dancing for myself through her blog Tea and Cookies. Thank you Tara, I know this works. All I need to do is to remember this joyous moment when I am feeling low and depressed. In those moments, I can hardly remember things that make me feel good. I get engulfed into darkness, vacuum, meaninglessness.

There is a beautiful graveyard near my house. Something that scares me when i have to bike home after dark. My friends know about this fear and some of them have been throwing ideas at me to overcome this fear. Today I decided to meet this fear head on. I walked to the gate of the graveyard with a friend of mine, opened the gate and walked in. My friend followed me. I was surprised that there was no sign of fear. It got totally replaced by calmness and curiosity. I felt free. It was incredible. I needed no assistance from my friend though i must say his presence with me helped me take the first step. It was huge, different kind of graves, marbles and granites and flowers, fake and real. There were some symbolic things all around, some angels, some birds, some sculptures and carvings. I heard soft wind chymes from a corner and i was pulled in the direction of the sound. A tree was studded with wind chymes, different shapes, materials and different kinds. I stood there speechless, experiencing amazing sense of peace within. I could have spend whole afternoon in this graveyard, exploring, experiencing, absorbing this aspect and image of death. Some roses were still fresh, some candles were still burning. I saw a man watering the plants around the graves, he waved a friendly hello and i waved back.

I saw swings into one corner. I love swings, i got curious why there would be swings in the graveyard. I started walking towards it and soon understood this was the section of graveyard where children were buried. Few days, weeks, months and then few year old children. Some graves had markings of two siblings buried together in matter of few years. I kept thinking how hard it must be for the parents and other family members to deal with the loss of two children in a family over few years. The graves in this section were different. There were soft toys, and butterflies, and birds and little angels, the flowers, the balloons and the beads. They almost looked like a child's room. I started getting overwhelmed. I can understand the death of an adult in more rational way but dying child, i feel terribly helpless and emotional. I cant handle it at all. I started feeling weak in my knees and had to struggle to not cry. What about all those classroom discussions, end of life decisions in neonatal intensive care units? The babies born with serious illnesses that would make their life a source of constant suffering if at all they survive. At that moment, I knew nothing mattered. I cant be rational in any ways when it comes to death of a child. Younger the child, worse it will grow I guess and what if it is my child? That was it. I had to get out of that area. For the first time I stood next to a swing but did not swing on it. I felt this swing was for the souls of those little children buried there. Who knows they may be swinging right there. I cant see them but may be they can see me. I faintly waved at them and walked away.

I really wanted to make one of the pictures from the graveyard as my picture for the day. But i wont. But the visit to graveyard was the highlight of my day. After quite a struggle, i finally found my picture. What is your picture for the day?