Eat, pray, love and finding myself..

In June 2008, a dear friend of mine recommended the book 'Eat, Pray,Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert. I must say I enjoyed the book. Her story resonated with mine in many ways.I wondered about the possibilities in my own life to take a year off and travel to three countries in search of my own self? I thought, 'that would be a far stretched dream.. may be something I might try 10 years down the line when I have more money and luxury to take a year off..' little did I know then, that I would set out on a similar journey in just 2 years time...This is the story of my year off...not exactly along the lines of Elizabeth Gilbert's journey but quite similar to it...

Exactly a year ago, I arrived in Leuven, Belgium. I had made a conscious decision to call off my planned wedding in August that year. It was the most difficult phase of my life. I lost social and family support overnight. 'She is stupid. How can she be afraid of marriage? She has such a loving and understanding fiance and her in-laws love her so much. It must have been all those years away from India that she has become so self-centered. She has destroyed her own happiness'. They all had their opinions and they had loads of criticism for me. I lost my friends almost overnight, both men and women and I became a biggest tragedy in my community for I refused to get married.

I do not want to talk about why I took that decision. That is not important nor relevant anymore. All I want to share here is that the tremendous social and family criticism knocked me out completely. I lost all my self esteem, confidence and I became one miserable woman. I took all the blame and guilt and held myself responsible for everything, my pain, pain of my loved ones and all the financial and relational losses. I internalized the feeling that I am a total failure and extremely weak woman who did not even have courage to get married with a partner she had chosen herself. I did not have courage to set foot out of my house for many weeks that followed as I could not take those looks of mockery and sympathy thrown at me.. I thought.. this is the end of my life story. I have no hope and I am good for nothing.. I could not recognize myself in my feelings, thoughts or even actions.... I lost myself completely...

It was my younger brother who pushed me to get my act together. I had a one year scholarship to study bioethics as a part of Erasmus program. At some point, I was so weak and unsure of myself that I decided to give up my scholarship. I thought, I cant study any more.. and I don't want to fail in academics now after having failed in personal life.But my brother persisted and I started yet another journey.. my year away from home, a journey into healing and self realization.. the time stolen to make peace with myself.. I had no hopes and no expectations but I was happy to realize that I wont be haunted with the questions about my failure to get married at least for a year.. and that was a big relief...

4th October 2010, I 'celebrated' my 31st birthday with floods of tears and no sign of happiness... the same evening I flew out of India and next day early morning I arrived in Belgium... tired, exhausted, weak, unsure,confused and scared. Will I survive this European winter? Will I fall apart emotionally and psychologically through the dark and cold months of winter ahead? Will I be able to study and pass my exams? Those were hard days. I had not slept well for months together, the nightmares kept me company. I had to force myself to eat and I had to make tremendous effort to attend my classes. Nothing discussed in classes made sense.. I was not there.. the words fell on my ears but had no impact. I was sure, I was going to fail all my assignments. My friends in the Netherlands, new classmates got together and they created a support system around me. No weekend was spent without friends visiting me over. zen meditation helped me find some moments of peace and by December, I had at least regularized my daily routine. I could participate in few social occasions. A classmate helped me prepare for my exams. Another friend and her young children provided me with warmth of human interaction. I was slowly able to sleep better and I could feel the initial sings of improvement...

I celebrated the new year in Amsterdam with my friends and next day I moved to Nijmegen, a city in the South of the Netherlands.. from January to March, I stayed in the Netherlands. I am familiar with and in fact fond of Dutch Academic environment. I slowly found my voice in Nijmegen. I also had large network of friends in the Netherlands and for some strange reasons, the Netherlands always felt like home to me. Meditation continued. I was proactive in class discussions. I also conducted a qualitative research on euthanasia during those three months in the Netherlands. This was my first research abroad and it was indeed a fulfilling experience. I enjoyed every bit of it and though the months were full of hard work, I enjoyed every minute of it. By mid March, daffodils started peeping out of the snow covered soil and I could see and feel the arrival of spring around me and also within me. After series of farewell dinners in the Netherlands.. thanks to my wonderful friends... beginning of April,I was south-bound.

The last leg of my studies from April to June was in Padova, Italy. Gilbert's descriptions of Italian pleasures of food and drinks were my everyday experiences in those three months. Italian spring, great food, a culture that ensures pleasure of everyday life..calling it 'Dolce vita'.. i was flowering once again... more classes, more exams but loads of travels... travelling was my priority.. I was lucky to experience Italian hospitality at homes of my Italian friends from Turin to Venice.. I was living that dream life.. I was definitely feeling much better but soon the worries started.. what will happen to me after graduation? end of June will not only mark the end of my academic program but I feared that it will also end my happy life. I feared returning to India. I was not ready yet. I needed more time to gather my strength and to really figure out what is that I wanted. I was not ready to go back home. End of May, and I became desperate... what was I going to do next? A friend of mine in the Netherlands rescued me and offered a place to stay for few months more.. she wanted me to take time off for myself.. no studies, no assignments.. just enjoy European summer...and reflect on my life path ahead..

4th July 2011, I arrived in Groningen and last three months have been the best part of my journey over this year.. what did I do? I ate, I slept many hours, I watched movies, I read many non academic books.. I cooked for hours and we invited our friends over for dinner.. we lingered over food and we talked about our lives. we laughed together and we also cried together.. I was accepted by her friends and family and many new experiences opened up in front of me... Dutch plays, working in the garden, visiting farmer's markets, dancing tango, hosting friends and enjoying sauna.. getting lost in huge public library and binging on fries and chocolates.. I started running with her and for the first time, realized how happy one could feel after a good run.. I started laughing a lot.. I became a child again, curious and open to new experiences, able to amuse myself with little things around me.. roaming through a Dutch farm of 90 cows and jumping on trampoline... enjoying the feel of water while jumping in swimming pool and sometimes the joy of doing nothing.. I was happy again.. I thought, I would never find happiness in my life.. but I was wrong..Once I accepted myself just the way I was with all my strengths and weaknesses, it was easy to find my joy.. and presence of huge circle of friends around me made a significant difference... what I had lost a year ago, I received much more back... the pain of the past became less... the memories started fading away.. the decision to call of the wedding was celebrated at its first anniversary along with a large group of my friends..(refer to the post, Sunday with the stars) I cried a lot but these were the tears of joy.. Last three months here were the most special moments of my life.. they gave me a second life..

I celebrated my 32nd birthday yesterday and I kept reflecting on my own journey over last one year.. yes I lost a few precious people and friends but it taught me to be more open to life, to accept myself and my vulnerabilities and most important was to learn that I am more than my marital status. I am not a wife but I am a great friend to many people and that gives me an immense sense of satisfaction. My circle of friends is constantly expanding and so is the depth of my relationship with the others.. I am working on my fears about love and marriage and I must say when I take one step forward, I see more helping hands stretching towards me.. I feel loved, cherished, nurtured and valued for who I am and not rejected for what I lack... I will hopefully start working in the Netherlands soon but I have already started most important work, to be myself, to find my own calling, to live life to the fullest as if this might be my last chance.. and I feel happy about all the experiences that life has shown me till now...

It really did not take 10 years for me to have 'eat, pray, love' experience but this one year gave me a lot to understand and to learn about...I take this moment to thank all those who have contributed to who I am, who have been my support and strength.. I would not have reached this far.. without your loving presence in my life.. thank you very much...

't Gateauke, delicious and inspiring...

My trip to Maastricht last weekend was fun for more than one reasons. I want to take you through an extraordinary culinary experience that I bumped into just by chance. Here is my story.

It was raining heavy on Saturday morning. It looked like a late evening when it was just 11am. We were driving through a small village 'Eijsden' near Maastricht. The street was lined by restaurants full of people enjoying their brunch. Bright and pink little cafe caught our eye and we decided to have a warm drink.. a perfect excuse on a rainy morning.

't Gateauke is a little patisserie and a cafe run by a mother-daughter duo. The interiors of the cafe were cozy and bright with floral designs, lovely lamps, beautiful chairs and most important, delicious pastries, cakes, cupcakes and chocolates. It was impossible to resist the temptation to enter this cafe and once in, there is no way one could leave without trying some of their delicacies. The decor of the cafe personifies the warm and friendly ladies who are creating this culinary extravaganza through their work. We settled on a table by the window, busy absorbing the atmosphere and flipping through the menu card. I wanted to order it all and die of over-indulgence of sweets and cakes.. that would be a great death, I thought. Should I order a chocolate cupcake or the muffin? How do I make a choice when everything is so alluring?

We placed our order. I could not stop myself from talking to the ladies, Yvonne and Barbara. They were more than willing to answer my questions. This is how 't Gateauke came into existence.

'My mother was teaching women how to bake cakes and pastries at our home for many years. We realized that with increasing number of women who wanted to learn, our home kitchen was not spacious enough to conduct these courses. Why not start a small patisserie? We started thinking about it and things got moving'. The daughter informed us while bringing our orders.

'We are new. We started this cafe in April this year. It all began in March and as luck would have it, this place became available for renting. It is indeed a perfect location and within a month we opened our doors to the customers. A friend of ours helped us redecorate the old chairs in appropriate fabric. We paid an extra attention on the interiors, the kind of glassware and cutlery we wanted to have. It was a bit expensive as an initial cost but the feel that it created was priceless. Another friend of ours worked on our logo, business cards and also the paintings to go alone the theme of cakes. All these paintings, she did it herself'.

While we were busy listening to the daughter, the mother was instructing a group of about 10-12 women. They were decorating beautiful cakes. It was such a perfect environment. Women's world, infused with love, passion for cooking and an eye for beauty. We savored every bite of our cakes and I took photographs just to keep a memory of this experience. We also discussed a possibility of these two ladies travelling to India to conduct the workshops in baking. It was so easy to feel connected with them. I asked them, if I could write about their patisserie in my blog and they both graciously agreed.

I know the limitations of my words to do justice to their work. You have to try it yourself to believe it but for those who cant travel to Maastrict in near future, please have a look at their website. www.gateauke.nl. You will get the glimpses of how it is in reality through this website. I have been reading about inspired actions and these two ladies were living examples of the same. When we really want to create something with all our passion, things do fall in place and the dreams do come true. I have read similar stories about people who have made it big in their life but still all those personalities felt distant, alien in a way. But Barbara and Yvonne and their story inspired me immensely. Thank you ladies, you indeed made by day last Saturday and gave me food for thought. I am happy that I could write about you through this blog.

I wish them both a successful profession and I am sure they will continue to inspire many people through their art and their personalities. I cant wait to visit you again just for another bout of happiness through food and I must say, I have decided to learn baking myself. Thanks to 't Gateauke!!!

PS. It is a pity that I donot know how to place pictures in a nicer way within the text of this blog. I wish I could do something about it. Any suggestions how can I place pictures in different sections of this blog post?

Maastricht by the river Maas

I love my life these days for I am enjoying each moment of it. I am living in the Netherlands and I am surrounded by great friends and their families. Most importantly, I am travelling around in this country and exploring cities and towns at my own pace and to my own taste..

I just spent a long weekend in Maastricht. Many beleive that this is the oldest city in the Netherlands but some others argue that it is Nijmegen. I lived in Nijmegen for three months this year and I recently spent three days in Maastricht. My first ever visit to Maastrict. The trip was special for a number of reasons. For the first time I experienced Dutch life in camping cars.. for those of you who are not much in contact with the Dutch, they are fond of their bikes, their boats and kayaks and they cant imagine their summer without their camping cars. By now I had seen a number of camping cars from outside and a few from inside but this time I spent three nights in a camping car. I was excited like a child at this opportunity as carvans and camping cars for me were things to be seen in movies... and there I was living in one... and it was superfun... By the way, I live in Groningen, the city way up in the North and Maastricht is way down south, some 360kms away and Maastricht is a confluence of Germany,Belgium and the Netherlands. This city by the river Maas has acquired a unique character from these cultures and I have more stories to tell you about that...

What else I did in Maastrict apart from enjoying the camping car? Well, I rode an electric bicycle for the first time, I watched first Dutch play. I did not understand the words but I must say I could feel the tension as the play unfolded in front of us. I freaked out in the weekly vegetarian open market for super cheap fresh vegetables but also I could find Okra.. I do not get Okra that easily in the Netherlands, particularly kind of Okra that we get back home. We do get Okra from Suriname which is slightly different but in Maastrict I bought Okra from Kenya.. and I cooked a lovely vegetable out of it. One morning, I woke up by the river and the other day by a lawn with horses. I participated as an enthusiastic audience for a bachelor's party.. and I was overjoyed to take few fabulous shots of thunder storm and lightening... I visited a huge Asian supermarket, I had never seen such a huge Asian market before in this country and guess what, I went to Belgium one morning just to buy fresh bread and some muesli. The food in Belgium tastes so much better... I relived my moments in Leuven. I binged on my favorite apple-cakes. We visited a castle nearby on a Sunday morning, there was no one around.. we were the princesses strolling around. A tree lined canopy fascinated me and we meditated under this arch of green life. It started raining soon, we could hear the rain drops and its intensity but we were safe and dry.. the meditation was refreshing and energizing.

The ease with which we can cross borders within EU still surprises me. I spent an hour with a Belgian family, a family of musicians to be precise. Sunday morning, warm and friendly people and some apple sap... a dog competing to get your attention.. three siblings spending summer together in their Parents house. I met first Cello player in my life, this young, bright and beautiful woman is a professional cello player and has been trained in Brussels and Freiburg and will soon set the sail for Basel. It is a pity that I did not get to experience her music. Her dad is a piano teacher and he tunes the pianos back into melody.. I did not know what is the word for such a person but I did not want to say, he fixes the pianos or treats the ones who are not doing well. One of the brothers is a Kayaker and leads student groups on many expeditions. The family was so special but still so humble, friendly and happy.. I was happy to have met them all... I wish I could spend more time with this family.

The evening turned out special due to performance of the Dutch play. But we also cooked Indian dishes for a group of 60 people. My first cooking stint in such a massive quantity. I was a bit nervous if they would find food spicy but as luck would have it, we ran out of food. People just loved it and we did not even get to taste it. I think it is true that food can connect people.. otherwise how do I explain all the connections I have been making in this country... ohh I love food and I live for food...

Food, that reminds me.. I have to take you on a special culinary experience that I had in Maastricht.. I will do it in my next blog post.. so stay tuned and enjoy every moment of your life...

Love and sunshine from Groningen...Doei....

Sunday with the stars

Saturday, 20th August 2011, 10pm.

'Hey, we have to take 8.51train to Zwolle. Remember we are visiting Martha in the Hague. And yes, please wear something that you like and feel comfortable in. The weather will be nice so you can even put on a dress', My friend Margreet enthusiastically told me.

Why do I need the dress, we are going to spend the whole day indoors, watching movies, talking, eating, gossiping, just being girls... I was wondering.. I said to her instead..'I have some nice dresses but I don't have shoes'

The excuse of shoes did not work as we both have same shoe size. I took out a beautiful dress that my brother bought for my graduation exactly a year ago and I never wore it. It was too beautiful for me to wear, I thought.. also it is smallest dress I have. I am not used to wearing a dress that is so 'sexy' in a way because I am too conscious of my body image.

Sunday Morning,21st August 2011, 8am

We both were ready, new dress, shoes, matching little sweater and the jewelry. I really felt I was overdressed but then decided not to worry about it.. we strolled happily to the train station, with the cookies and a thermos flask of tea... I wondered why we were not taking a train that directly goes to the Hague.. she had brilliant answer.. because the direct train doesn't work today... We settled in our train to Zwolle. I like to sit by the window in the direction of the train and she sat opposite me. We started chatting about the plans for the day. The train took off from the station and first envelop was pulled out of her bag. 'check this out. Today is your day' She said to me.

Vertrek 8.51 Noord, Zondag 9.10-10.00

The writing on the envelop read. I opened it to find a train itinerary to Nijmegen in the south of the Netherlands, a university town where I studied from January to March 2011. 'You know Martha and Gerard are in Nijmegen since Thursday evening for the Tango festival. Hence we have to meet them there'. I know about the Tango festival and I know how much Martha, Margreet and Gerard love to Tango. To be honest I love it to. I can spend hours together watching the couples Tango and dream that some day I will be able to Tango too. It makes sense, if they are in Nijmegen we have to meet them in Nijmegen. 'I did not bring my dance shoes'.. I looked at her helplessly. She smiles and says, 'I have them here'.... The train brought us to Nijmegen.

El Corte, Nijmegen

I love Nijmegen, the place where I really started recovering from my emotional troubles early this year. I felt bad that I did not contact my dear friends Josephine and Ilona who live in Nijmegen. Margreet said that they were not free today for a family function. Yes, that is true, I knew it too. Too bad that I cant see them today, I thought.

El Corte was beautiful as usual, too warm though.. couples were swirling soaked in sweat.. first I could find Martha in beautiful pink dress dancing and meditating on the dance at the same time.. and there I could see Gerard as well... I must say, I was a bit uncomfortable in my short dress... it definitely looked great and there were many elegantly dressed women.. it was just the nervousness of having worn something different. I watched them dance ... , I did not want to dance because I cant dance yet and el Corte being the Mecca of Tango in the Netherlands, dancers here are fabulous... but I enjoyed watching them dance..

We decided to go for lunch. It was Sunday and it made it difficult to find a restaurant. But we managed. We ordered our food and all four of us got busy chattering. We can talk for hours on various topics, from films to photography to being men and women.. and when I am with these friends, I laugh a lot.. it is impossible to be sad when surrounded by them. The drinks arrived and we raised the glasses towards each other... 'We are here today to celebrate the 'brave decision' that you took a year ago. We are happy because it gave us a chance to meet you and to get to know you. We are proud of you and we hope that you will stay here longer'...

I knew what was it all about.... a brave decision that I took a year ago.. the 1st anniversary of that decision, I could not control my tears but it was ok to fall in arms of these special friends and cry, sob, speak in words that are beyond comprehension in the middle of my tears and laugh at the very next moment. I was loved, protected and cherished all at the same time by my three Dutch friends in Nijmegen.. I felt overwhelmed but in happy ways.. after many more hugs and bouts of laughter, we headed to Nijmegen station.. I knew by then that Margreet must have cooked up some more plans.. I became curious and also excited about the evening but I had no idea what I was getting into...

Voor 15.00 uur, Vertrek 15.18 spoor 4a

This was the next envelop which I could open just before we said goodbye to Gerard and Martha.. it had an itinerary to Amsterdam Centraal... another city which has played significant role in my life... the journey involved two train changes..

15.18 - 15.48

The next envelop came out when the train got out of Nijmegen station. I need not take out the letter completely.. I could see the typed letter in marathi, my language.. and I instantly knew it was a letter from my mother.. My mother has written 100s of letters for me over last 30 years, her letters accompany me on each journey... This year has been especially hard for our relationship with each other, we were avoiding each other and I was clearly running away from her.. I read the letter with great hunger and in the first paragraph itself, I burst into tears. I made no efforts to control that flood. I cried and cried... and felt how stupid I was to avoide my mother all these months. My mother apologized to me through this letter for failing to understand me and support me when I needed her the most but also told me her difficulties to cope with my pace of life. she said she feels tired for two reasons, first for not being able to walk with me in the same pace and second for strong realization of her own inadequacies to support me.. even when she wants to.. Have you ever received such a letter from your mother or a loved one? It breaks your heart but it also melts all the coldness between you... I had to call up my mother, the connection was not great and it was impossible to understand me amongst those tears.. but I did tell her that I am sorry for all my behavior and that I love her dearly.. she told me to enjoy the day ahead and be happy always.. 'she is also part of this conspiracy'.. I could clearly see that.. the journey continued and I continued to cry in arms of Margreet...

15.53- 16.51 1st letter

By now, I was happy to change the trains, as it meant, I would receive my next envelop.. and there it was.. this time, I received a beautiful, light hearted and yet thoughtful letter from my brother.. my brother has always been my biggest support.. he stood by me in every difficult situation and he was the one who encouraged me to take the necessary step last year.. he kept his word and he stood there rock-solid by my side.. in fact he also encouraged me to return to Europe.. this time, I did not cry as much but I had a constant smile on my face.. how does one feel when your younger brother who knows you so well writes a letter to you on such a special occasion?

15.53 -16.52 2nd Letter

Dutch trains often have problems and this is particularly true when the weather is bad or on weekend... we had to take one train extra.. it was not in our plan but as luck would have it, Margreet had one more letter waiting for me.. it was a poem.. and there was no name of the sender.. my eyes caught one word in the poem and I said to Margreet..'This is from Madhavi, How did you contact her in China?'... Gosh.. Margreet has really been up for a task..

Madhavi's words were so genuine and straight from heart, I have received many handwritten letters and poems from her since our medical school days.. I can feel Madhavi in each of her words... but her unconditional support went beyond words and poems.. she gave me a shelter in her house in China when I was falling apart in Mumbai in those early days.. She said, 'look I have two kids and my house is a mess but please come and stay with us.. a change of place will do you better and you have never been to China..'Ohh Madhavi.. you were with me then and you are with me now..

I was in thoughts of my friends and family from different parts of the world at the same time and they were reaching out to me through their own innovative ways through Margreet.. I felt showered in much love and affection.. I was speechless.. and I saw Margreet busy texting on phone.. yes of course, there were more surprises ahead of us.. we saw the Nemo through the train and she pulled out the next envelop..

Before entering Amsterdam..

This envelop was empty... may be that was part of the surprise.. we got off the train.. and I saw Katrine walking towards us on the platform.. I saw her but I could not believe it was her.. was I seeing a ghost?.. no it was Katrine... we hugged and I started crying again and thanking her for being there and she kept saying.. 'wait and watch.. this is just getting started..' and right at that moment.. our Chinese friends Peggy and Olivia came running towards us on the platform... big hugs followed, accompanied by laughter and joy...

Where in Amsterdam

Take tram 4 towards station Rai, get off at Fredreikspleine, walk through the park with a tree painted red and walk towards Utrechtstraat.. there you will find vegetarian restaurant 'de golden temple'..

Five of us followed the directions together... my friends know how much I love food... as we reached the restaurant... I saw Nuria hanging around on the street looking for someone.. I knew what was going on there.. they had mobilized all my friends in Amsterdam to meet at this place..

Nuria kept pretending that it was just a chance but we all knew it by then.. we settled in the cozy restaurant, had our tea and lassis.. hellos and catching up with each other.. and there walks in Anisha.. wowwww I kept wondering who else is coming in.. Nasima and Rhona arrived and we became a full house.. 9 lovely ladies in for a great feast...

We placed orders for food.. and my friends took over.. first came out a box, beautiful pink box.. they thought I need a box to put all those envelops and all other letters and cards which were coming my way.. they named it 'my good luck box'. Each girl brought out her card and little goodies they thought I would enjoy.. Anisha gave me a beautiful painting, painted by her.. a sea shore with rocks where a small daizy bloomed happily.. she said.. however rocky the situation may be around me, I have to remember my potential to bloom like this daizy.. Katrine gave me a card with bright sunflower and a small sticker to be ironed on my jacket or backpack.. all happy images and also funny.. my friends know I love flowers.. Peggy and Olivia gave me little pouch and a wooden seal to make my personalized stamp.. may be with my new name.. lovely.. Nasima gave me a little pebble with inscription 'friends for ever'.. Nuria was the messenger of Julia, Piet and Sjaak as well.. Julia and Piet sent me a card and beautiful little idol of Ganesha.. and Sjaak sent me a bottle of jam that he himself made with ruberb and strawberries.. he knows we both love that jam. The card he chose for me came from Poznan, in Poland and has a bronze statue of a man with a bicycle on it..'I chose this card for your love for the bicycle', the message read.. Nuria's card came from Bremen, a place where we traveled together in winter of 2009 and she gave me a pair of earnings with butterfly wings.. beautiful.. it also states that the butterflies were not killed for the purpose of making these ornaments.. I think they are the most unique earrings in my collection and it is true that I have been facinated by butterflies these days..

My box got full but more importantly my heart overflowed with joy and gratitude towards these special women..my friend Nasima called it 'a constellation of stars' the stars which are on move to and from different parts of the world but who come together and form meaningful shapes and structures.. the most important is gigantic support structures that we form..

The food came in and we ate it all.. we just loved it.. that was the only time we fell silent.. our Chinese friends tasted Indian food for the first time..I realized that it was me and Nasima who knew all the ladies present in the group and many women did not know each other that well.. that is when we started a new idea.. together we described each woman, the way we had met her, understood her and her unique qualities that we had noticed and experienced.. and that was a fabulous idea.. we had so many things to share and highlight about each other.. we were indeed stars but most of us felt that we were just ordinary people... that evening proved to us beyond doubts that there is extraordinary in each ordinary thing or a person. All we need is a perspective to feel the extraordinary facets.. the evening grew young.. the restaurant gave us space and freedom.. we spent about 4 hours there but soon we had to say goodbye..

Me and Margreet had the lonest travel home. Nasima was leaving for Bangladesh the very next morning.. Olivia burst into tears to say goodbye to all these friends she made in one evening and Peggy pondered..'have I ever made such special friends in my life?' Rhona responded, 'my dear quality and depth of friendship changes as we grow older. The things that mattered in the beginning, the competetion with fellow women doesnt matter anymore and we start appreciating friends just the way they are..' I thought that was the best words Peggy could have received in an answer.. so reassuring and comforting..

I am blessed with such lovely gang of friends.. I cant beleive that I had one or two friends max till the age of 23 .. I have been a slow starter but now, I feel it was totally worth it.. better late than never.. I wondered why am I blessed with such lovely friends... and my friends responded... 'are you kidding? Just look at you. we feel enriched to be here' 'you have great friends because of the way you are' 'oh we did nothing, mobilizing this party was such fun and easy because each person contacted bounced back with equal energy as they all wanted to be there for you..'

All I can say is thank you everyone .. for being there for me, spending your sunday evening to be with me, to prepare a good luck box for me .. I just have to open this box whenever I feel low and left out in life and all of you will spring out of the box.. It was this very same blog where I cried my lungs out last year.. when friends rejected me on facebook and I was almost an outcast for the circle of friends back home and it is one year and I am surrounded by much stronger bonds of friendship.. thank you, thank you, thank you very much...

Just before we left the restaurant, after series of hugs and kisses and goodbyes and wishes.. there came another envelop..

Planning last train home

Last train from Amsterdam to Groningen noord takes about 3 hours.. which meant we had ample time to reflect on.. just to let all the feelings and emotions sink in.. just feel happy and blessed.. we took the tram to the station.. if all train connection go as planned, we would be home by 1am. Both me and Margreet were visibly tired.. she had taken immense effort to plan this day... but she was happy...

Terugreis

Return journey in Dutch is called terug reis.. was it really a return journey for me? I think it was a new journey home.. yes I was coming home finally.. after feeling homeless in many ways for last one year.. where is my home? I am not referring to my home in Groningen Noord or for that matter in Mumbai.. I carry my home with me.. my home is my family of friends... friends across all age groups, all cultures and from across the globe.. some I meet in person and some keep shining the light of their love on me from the distance.. like madhavi shining from China... all my struggles and self doubt about my life altering decision vanished.. I finally made peace with myself and my life.. it was such an incredible feeling...

there she brings out yet another envelop... I open it with tears of joy.. I knew.. it was her letter.. the woman who did everything silently.. but with so much love and care.. she was speaking her heart to me through this last letter.. she thanked me for giving them all a chance to plan this day for me.. she thanked me for opening my world of friends in front of her.. she was happy to have interacted with my mother and brother and to have met all the special friends of mine in the Netherlands.. she oppologized for not being able to contact Leen in Leuven who gave me immense support in the winter last year.. I was speechless.. now I really started crying.. I hugged her and just kept saying thank you.. Thank you Margreet for all that you have done for me...

Special note:
The idea was conceptualized by Nasima and Margreet and they contacted all the friends who have been a great support for me in last one year.. I am extremely grateful to all of you (Margreet, Martha, Gerard, Josephine, Ilona, Nasima, prats, aai, Madhavi, Katrine, Olivia, Peggy, Nuria, Nasima, Rhona, Leen, Sjaak, Julia, Piet, Jan and all of you that are not listed here but are definitely in my thoughts.. you all have seen my roller coaster ride in last one year).. thanks a million for being there in so many ways for me...

The 'brave decision' that we celebrated this Sunday was to not get married when I was not ready for it. I wont discuss why I took that decision and how it must have hurt the people around me. I have apologized to everyone hurt in the process but do not know if I would ever be forgiven. On Sunday, I decided not to talk about that episode again but take the lessons learned with me for the life ahead..

This was a rather long but beautiful story of my 'Sunday with the stars..' This blog gave me a means of expression in those hard, gloomy days.. and I had to now share my happiness through the same blog.. we the gang of girls are planning something larger.. a sort of online community of friends.. who have supported us.. we want to share our stories and also the stories of special women we have met in our lives.. who continue to inspire us in different ways.. we are planning to be up and running by October this year.. so stay tuned..

The lady with the shell necklace who served our food in the restaurant has taken a lovely picture of the entire gang.. but I did not post it here.. friends, I hope you don't mind me using your first names in this blog. I did not want to change your names and nor did I want to write about M1, M2 M3 and R and K.. Please let me know if you disagree with me on using your first names..

Loads of love to you all...

I am off to Maastricht for yet another adventure this sunday and I will be back next week with more stories..

Till then take care...

String of beads...

I have no good reasons to be dormant on this blog for yet another month. There were number on inspiring thoughts, events, meetings with people and experiences. It was just that I felt too lazy to write about it. But here I am again writing to you all from Amsterdam.

I have been living in Groningen for last 6 weeks and I love this city in the north of the Netherlands, cozy, comfortable and friendly.This university town has 190000 residents out of which 50000 are students. The students are mostly gone for it is summer holiday but soon the city will start buzzing with students again. I love my quite and peaceful life in groningen. I live in a silent residential neighborhood which has no shops. The city center is 10 minutes by bike and the huge public park is a stone throw away. I already feel connected with the fresh fruit and vegetable market, the neighbors and the city skyscape. The weather has not been great but that is the situation all across the country. This has been the wettest summer in years, rain everyday, dark gloomy sky and cold wind. But I am not at all depressed or low, instead I feel light like warm air. I am surrounded by friends and we cook great meals each day and then spend hours talking over the dinner table.. I have been having little adventures almost everyday and bouts of laughter on silly things. I cant imagine it is almost a year since that disastrous time in my personal life. I think I have found my old self back. Finally I have made peace with myself, all the guilt, pain and self-blame has gone away..

Yesterday I took a four hour train ride from Groningen to Alkmaar, to be at a friend's art gallery opening. It is always enriching to be surrounded by these special friends of mine in the Netherlands. Artists, painters, writers, copy editors, chefs and budding models.. I don't think I knew one in Mumbai, let alone being invited for such events. The art gallery going crowd looked so far out of my reach and here I am being one of them in a new country. I do not understand much in art, be it painting or music but I like being with people, all sorts of people, observe them and listen to them. What seems common in all of them is that they are not afraid to dream and to put their dreams in actions. They do not hold themselves back. Why is is that I am so afraid to dream? I always wanted to make some strokes of colour on a canvas. Now I have a friend who offered me the canvas, the paint and the paintbrushes. I could spoil one canvas without worrying too much about it but I do not have courage even to take the paintbrush in my hand. Why is it so? What is it that I am afraid of? Not being good enough? Not being gifted artist?Not wanting to waste a canvas? What is it that stops me when I have perfect opportunity? There is some kind of fear.. I feel it all the time. What I don't know is how to address that fear. how to take a step forward.

The other day, a friend of mine gave me a box of glass beads to make jewellery. 'Do what you like with this. Let the imagination flow..' I froze. I was happy to see the box coming out of nowhere. Was it not that I always wanted to try it out? Now I could. I expected myself to jump at the opportunity. Instead, I kept looking at the box and the beads. 'You don't know how to combine right colours. Look for similar beads. It should look symmetrical. No whatever you make will look ridiculously childish. Don't waste the beads and your time.' My mind started gushing out all the reasons why I should not give it a try. What would have happened if indeed my attempts turned out to be a disaster? The world was not going to fall apart nor was I going to incur huge losses. I was not going to harm anyone and what's wrong if my creation looks ridiculously childish? If I were a child, I am sure I would not have thought for a second before starting to make the string of beads, from one end of the living room to the other. Who cares about the colours, and harmony, symmetry and structure and child looks back at his/her own creation with great pride and satisfaction. When did I loose that ability in pursuit of growing into adult age? Can I get that ability back? Can I be a child again?

The box remained untouched for two days before I made an entry in my list of things to do. That's right! I have to make it to do list to be involved in some activity that could give me happiness. When anything gets on that list, I know it gets done and it did get done. After struggling with my overtly critical mind, i made a string of beads. I was far from satisfied with my work. The colours were not right, some beads looked so out of shape that they distorted the structure of the necklace. I lost my interest in it. I did not even tie the end-piece. I left it by the window, totally neglected and prematurely abandoned. We had a friend over for dinner the same evening. The necklace caught her eye and she seemed to love it. She gave me great compliments. I heard those words but could not feel it at all. I was so convinced that it is one of the stupidest things I have ever made. She could feel it in my voice and body language. I so wanted to feel good about her words of praise but I just could not. I offered her the necklace. 'She appreciated it more than I did. She will put it to a good use'. I thought to myself. She was happy to hear that and immediately tied it across her neck. The evening continued with food, conversations and sharing our life stories.. she kept touching her necklace with fingers whenever she was talking about something every emotional and personal. The evening light through the window started shining on her face and rays of light reflecting through the beads.. I must say I kept looking at her neck adorned with my necklace. It indeed look beautiful. She looked beautiful. Why was it that I could not see it that way before.. why was I so stubborn with the idea that it was no good...

I learned a valuable lesson.. it is important to appreciate myself, to love my abilities however poor they may be, to be able to do things without hesitation and self doubt as long as I was not harming others.. I have to really make conscious effort to love myself and my life. I don't need to be always critical of myself. It is ok to be not perfect, it is perfect to make mistakes and be like a child. It is essential to dream and not be afraid of dreaming... that is what I am trying these days.. and guess what this is the testimony.. I always thought that macbook is something from different planet as compared to my ordinary laptop.. I started with shaky hands working on this macbook.. at a friend's place in Amsterdam... and now I realize, it is not some rocket science. I still don't know how to use right-click on mac to correct the spelling but apart from that it all seems ok.. the important thing was to gather courage to work with unknown, work on unknown and work for unknown... sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.. but then I will try again.. someday I will get there...

Do you ever have any such fears and inhibitions that hold you back? What do you do to overcome those? I am eager to know your stories and also the solutions you devised.. so feel free to respond...

Well done Abba!!

Yet another fun day!! flirtatious sunshine and juicy lemon slices, cleaning the house and little bit of work but the best time of the day was the movie time with chocolate chip ice creme. I watched 'Well done Abba!', subtle comedy by no other than Shyam Benegal.

Armaan Ali, a middle aged common man speaking strong Andhra flavoured Hindi and working in Mumbai as a personal driver of a rich business fellow. Armaan Ali never went to school. On his return to the native village 'cheekatpalli' he finds himself in a bizzare situation. He realizes how all the schemes for the poor in the country are misused by the politicians and corrupt government machinary. With the help of his college going daughter Muskaan and using 'right to information act' he finds his voice and right as an ordinary citizen.

The movie is a political satire on corruption in Indian society. The humor of the script and the story line is such that anyone who has experienced this side of Indian life could easily relate to it. The movie also evoked the memories of yet another film, 'Khosla ka Ghosala' set in Delhi and surrounding areas and exposing the fake housing and land schemes. No wonder the movie won the national award for the best film on social issue for the year 2009. Boman Irani's Armaan Ali was indeed a performance to watch and he was very well supported by all the other actors. The music of the movie slowly grows on you. Comedy can be effective tool to make the viewers reflect on how we all are responsible for the corruption. I think the movie delivers this message quite successfully. But what I enjoyed the most is that strong Andhra falour in the dialogues, it took me back to those days when I travelled into the interiors of Andhra for work, visiting clinics and talking to men and women. The word garu is so familiar, a respectful way of addressing someone like an elder brother and amma, similar way of addressing the women. My male colleagues were always addressed with their name followed by garu but I don't remember, I being called Priyamma.

It was a fun movie and I would definitely recommend it to those who appreciate and enjoy cinema. I wish one day, I can use film to express myself, may be simple but still powerful like the one I just watched. Yet another dream to my already long list of things on the bucket list.. here is the link for the movie for those who are interested.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Well_Done_Abba

Have a lovely week ahead!! I am off to Nijmegen, the city that I left three months ago and I am looking forward to it. More stories from my side on Tuesday.. till then have fun and keep smiling...

Have you seen a blue butterfly recently?

I am finding joy in little things around me and I am slowly getting drawn into it. What did I do all day today? Well lingered in the bed reading a book. Title of the book: 'My mother my self'. One of the seminal books on mother daughter relationship written in the 70s arguing for the need of separation at a psychological level between the mother and the daughter for the woman to fully realize her own unique personality. I am not sure what exactly I feel about the book, even difficult to say what I agree with and what I disagree. One thing is for sure though, many parts of the book, and particularly narratives of women remind me and make me reflect on my own life story and my relationship with my mother. I fell asleep while reading the book at 11am in my cozy and comfortable bed. That was fun.

The sun did not show up all day today and I knew it would rain in the evening. I have been feeling lazy to go out. I wanted to get some nice green chilies and fresh curry leaves from a Turkish store in the city center. He gets these 'typical' Indian things from London and he gets fresh stock on Friday late evening. I love the flavor and aroma of fresh curry leaves in my cooking and how can I make Kanda pohe without those little green chilies and freshly grated coconut. Food always motivates me and I biked to the city center this afternoon to get my coveted ingredients.It was totally worth it for two reasons. First I could locate the shop without any troubles and map was not needed. My memory and the little area in the brain which helps us with directions was functional 200% this afternoon. I felt so proud of myself. Second, how can I not feel happy to hold those fresh curry leaves on their twigs in my hand. They are my prized possession, worth of diamonds in some ways. Gosh, I will use fresh curry leaves after almost five months. I am so excited for all the upcoming cooking. I remembered my excitement in London in May this year when I was strolling around in predominantly Indian area. It felt as if I was walking in Mumbai. No wonder they call it 'little India'. I came home and first made sure that my little green diamonds were stored safely so that I can retain their freshness and use it in upcoming weeks. My dinner this evening had extra taste of all the spices and the house still smells of the same.

I have been wondering about little things that could make me happy. For example a blue butterfly. Have you seen one recently? I came across a visualization exercise and I have been wondering what would I like to come across? the little things.. For a while, I was confused. I could not pick up one thing.. rainbow.. yes I would love to see a rainbow. may be even a double rainbow! Did you know that the second rainbow is much faint and its color spectrum is in the reverse direction as compared to the primary rainbow? I learned it this afternoon, while googling double rainbow. I would like to see a butterfly, a blue one in particular. I love butterflies, their colors, their delicate wings, their fondness of sunshine.. I love it all. If I ever get a tattoo, I think it will be a butterfly. But it is unlikely that I would get a tattoo made. I also thought about a unique pendant, may be shaped like a butterfly? and then all I could think about was food. I could visualize kanda bhajji, pav bhaji, chole bhature, bhendi masala, gulab jamuns, thalipeeth and so many things.. I got totally distracted and started feeling hungry.. I had to consciously bring my mind back to the blue butterfly... one day soon I am sure, I will come across one. I have no doubt about it...

is there something that you want to come across?

Out of dormancy

I am back with a new post exactly after a month. It was a month of yet another transition from the active student life to a life of conscious summer break of two months. I thought taking a break was easy but it was not. It was my own mind and anxieties about what my future will hold made it difficult than anything else. I moved from beautiful, warm and friendly Italy to stunning, comfortable, windy and rainy Groningen in the north of the Netherlands. My dear friend who is hosting my stay for two months did so many things to make my life comfortable before she left for a three week road trip to Norway. So finally after years of living in small rented apartments in the cities that I worked in or living in tiny student apartments in Amsterdam, Leuven, Nijmegen and Padova, I find myself in this comfortable, two storied Dutch house. It was a big change to get used to all the space and privacy I have, the fully equipped kitchen that I could cook in, my favorite gas flame stove and slowly the feeling sank in. I was in 'my' temporary home, getting used to it and the home getting used to me.

Over time, I understood the details of everyday life, the grocery stores, fresh fruits and vegetable markets, the garbage disposal system and I must say people around here are very friendly. I stand in my balcony and talk to my neighbor, i waved a hello at another neighbor across the street, I bike around, sometimes getting lost but sometimes finding my way without any troubles. The days have been mostly windy, rainy and dark but I needed some time to hibernate like a frog. I cooked my Indian food, ate as much I liked and slept for hours, sometimes 10 hours at night and couple of hours in the afternoon. It felt as if my body was physically tired and needed some rest. I watched movies with a tub of ice-creme in my hand. I always dreamt of this kind of relaxed life, where you are alone, you have friends around if you feel like going out but it is also perfectly ok if you dont want to. Wake up at your own times, have your lunch at 3pm if you like. You are not answerable to anyone and you have no deadlines. In short, I have been dormant, lazy, far from work and productivity. Ohh there was one task I was actively doing, understanding the needs of different plants indoors and outdoors. I am taking care of her greens and I must say i freak out at the prospect of little ones giving up their life under my care. My initial days caring for them were hard, almost like a new mother, I would worry if I see slightest sign of leaves drooping. But now I think I have figured it out, they are doing great and I am trying to do the same.

But it was still hard to accept that I had consciously chosen not to do anything for two months. Why do I think taking absolutely necessary rest is not doing anything? That is a different question. But I am an obsessive worker and a person who always worries about the future. I cant sit still and I cant relax even on a five star Cruise liner. I am like a scared little mouse running around trying to figure out an escape but I often ask myself what is it that I am trying to find escape from? Well, I have been actively thinking about it in these days. What is it that I am running away from? I am running away from my fear, anxiety and worries about the future. I am running away from myself who has immense self doubt and low self esteem even though people I am with never notice that. I am running away from my present and my future. In fact I am running away from my own life. Why? that is even bigger question, I cant even put a finger on that. May be because of previous experiences in childhood and adult life. I don't know. May be because I am afraid of failure, any sort, but mostly the failures in personal life, as being a daughter, sister, a partner and so on. I am not so good in these relationships, I tend to keep myself as far away from these commitments and responsibilities as I can but I worry about these all the time. I think I am also too critical of myself. I hardly appreciate my own life and things I could make out of it. But ask me to list some shortcomings, I bet that would be a long one. I procrastinate that I can be happy when all my financial needs are taken care of and that I have a smooth life to sail in. But who has such a smooth life anyways. For example for last fifteen days, I was almost tearing myself down with the realization that with three masters degrees and numerous awards and honors under my belt, with six years of substantial work experience, I am without a job right now. I killed myself by thinking about it over and over again. But did I not take this break consciously because I felt the need to slow down and take some time off for myself? Why such blame on myself then? Why cant I just enjoy the break that I have taken without worrying about where life might take me in September. It all makes sense at rational intellectual level but I must admit, I have not been much of a fun person and a sport in last two weeks that I am living in the Netherlands. I have felt depressed and sad and I have also shed some tears on the matter.

But then I made a decision, to consciously try and enjoy every moment as it comes. To work at being happy. To do things that I have not done before and I could do while I am here. So that I can look back at these remaining six weeks and say, 'ohhh boy that was such a fun time in my life. I am glad I did that'. So what are the plans? First plan is to start taking care of myself, I am starting with my feet, most neglected part of my body. Soaking them, moisturizing them and taking care of them, the feet that I stand on and the feet that take me all around the world. I want to see them beautifully transformed when I step into my dance shoes in tango salon with my friends in two weeks time. I plan to read a book while soaking in a bubble bath as I have seen in numerous Hollywood films. I want to start physical training and running if the rain stops a bit. I have already started my yoga practice and must say that my body already feels better in terms of flexibility and muscle tone. We are going to sail end of this month and I have never sailed before in my life. I am immersed in real Dutch life here, no more as a student of international program. I want to start taking some basic Dutch lessons in coming weeks. Last and the most important is that I am going to work with my friend in building her house, the wood, the electric fitting, the painting and fitting toilet accessories and plumbing lines. I am most excited about this aspect of my life. Gosh, I have never done anything with my hands except some surgeries, some cooking and eating. Most of my work has been with my head. But I cant wait to put on oldest of clothes and get stained in color and covered with the dirt and make mistakes and disasters while being an apprentice with my friend and her father. I can almost see myself, tired and sweaty with all that physical work but at the end of it, admiring my own little piece of art, one ply of wood that I could cut properly, a small patch of the wall that I could paint beautifully, the little towel holding rings that I could fix on the wall.. that will be awesome. I am not good at sitting still and relaxing. I think only way I could relax is by doing different things, the things that I have not done before and fortunately in this world there are more things that I have not done than the things that I have done.. which means I will have ample time to relax.

In two weeks time

We are writing our exams and this is not a very nice feeling to be reading, studying and wondering how the exam questions will be like.. so like true Italians, we decided to go for a gelato at our favorite gelataria Grom at Piazza de Segnori. Gelato always works, no wonder why these Italians seem happy all the time, nicely dressed and enjoying drinks and food in company of their friends and family...

On way back home, we realized that exactly in 2 weeks time at the very same moment we will be enjoying our graduation dinner.. what they call proclamation here.. wow, the year has come to an end. Travelling to three countries, studying at three different universities.. it all started in Sept last year.. and it is already over.. hard to accept. Soon, the gang of friends will disperse, flights will take us away in different directions, emails and facebook will keep us connected for a while, there will be excitement of being home but at the same time we wont be the same us.. spending a year away from home changes lot within us, how we think, how we react, what we like to eat and what we dislike.. some of us even might face the reverse culture shock.. I have always shocked my mother when I returned home after a considerable period of time and I am sure it will be the same this time...but I would never want to give up opportunity to cross my own borders, both national and personal moral and explore the world beyond.. the 'new world'.

So on 29th evening, we graduate, we are expected to be ready to take up the task of being bioethicists in our own settings.. it is another ethical debate, how ready we feel to fulfill this responsibility.. I am asking myself, what did I really gain in this period of 10 months. This is my third masters degree, I experienced a lot of new things, made new friends, also learned some very new, interesting perspectives, i strongly feel that all the studies I have done up till now are somehow interlinked and they are slowly providing me with a wider view to look at the health problems but I often feel that I remain at the surface, I hardly acquire the depth of understanding on a particular topic.. what am I going to do next? What is my next destination? It is so open and unclear right now, almost like a blank slate.. the difference this time is that I want to go out there with a fresh mind and a positive attitude and believe that I will be ok whatever I chose to do and wherever I decide to settle down.. I accept myself just the way I am and I am ready to embrace the life fully..

By the way, I continue to explore Italy and Italian life in my last weeks here.. I am doing very well on that front. Last week I had a fabulous holiday to Torino.. three days of friends, family, food and happiness.. I came back to Padua feeling fresh and happy to face the exams... I have 2 more weeks ahead before I head to Amsterdam.. what is the best way to utilize these weeks ahead? What should I do next? As the day to say goodbye is approaching,I realize that Italy and Italians have started growing on me...I will definitely want to return to Italy in years ahead and these memories of three months of being a student in Italy will always bring a smile on my face...

Now back to Public health ethics, tomorrows exam paper.. goodnite Padua...

Understanding the 'other'

I want to better understand her. I need to bridge the rift which has developed between us over the past few years. She is the one whom I owe my being. She made me who I am, she shaped my life and my personality. But at some point in time, I outgrew her expectations and she started struggling to cope with the rapid change in my thoughts, ideology and pace of life, particularly my focussed attention on career.

Yes I am talking about my mother and I am referring to the most delicate but complicated relationship between the mother and the daughter. She will turn 60 in six months time. 60 is not really old age for most Western world but in India, 60 is when you start getting the benefits of being a 'senior citizen'. I always believed that our age is what we feel and to my dismay my mother has given up to this wonder figure of 60 as an impending gradual loss of physical and mental abilities. Everyday she gets shaky when she experiences her 'failing' abilities. Sometimes its mental confusion or sometimes it is lack of grip in her fingers that makes it hard for her to write. She always loved writing. She has been such a story teller. She inspired me to write and my story telling skills I owe to her.

I did not imagine my mother to go so weak at 60s. I think I envisioned her as this strong woman who would now live every moment and make all those unfulfilled personal dreams a reality. Like many other Indian women, she sacrificed all her dreams due to family responsibilities, or financial constraints and most importantly for us.. so that we could have brilliant educational opportunities. I wanted her to live for herself after her retirement... travel around the world, read what she likes, write about her life, develop a balcony garden.. i wanted her to do things that give meaning to her life and in the process give her joy, happiness and sense of personal achievement.

She served in a government hospital for 38 years and her pension is going to support her all her life. She is not dependent on me financially but she is extremely dependent on me for emotional support.. this is precisely what is the root cause of our conflict.. she wants me to be with her in physical proximity and care for her, not so much physical care but give her a patient ear, listen to her worries, concerns, problems and sometimes her happiness too.. according to her, her expectations are not only realistic but they are also things that she deserves.. rather she has earned that care through her decades of hard work of raising us..

I am not denying it.. but what do I do if my ideas of meaningful life take me away from home, away from her..I refused to marry, she took it as her personal failure in my upbringing. I started living as away from her as I could and she understood it in terms of 'we not needing her anymore'. She still worries a lot about what the society will say about any of her personal choices and I say ' I dont care about the views of society as long as I take full responsibility of my choices and I do not harm the others as a consequence of my choices'. When we are together, we only fight and argue and to be honest those arguments end up being emotional battles and floods of tears.. the distance between us is more than geographical.. we are moving apart from each other emotionally at the speed of light.. I dread calling her, sometimes I avoid calling her just because i am not prepared to listen to her constant stream of complaints and dissatisfaction towards life.I find it so uncomfortable when we reach these silent zones in our phone conversation.. i do not know what to say next and that silence and inability to continue the conversation scares me.... When did I become so cold towards the woman who gave me birth and made me who I am. I failed her in few occasions, I could not stand up to her expectations. I am not denying it but I also feel that she failed my expectation that my mother if not anyone else will always make efforts to understand me...

Did I expect too much out of her? Did I make ambitious plans for her retired life which were never hers but projections of my dreams on her life? When we were kids, we often heard that parents impose their ideas and dreams on their kid's professional and vocational choices.. am I doing the same mistake? But it always seemed as if she enjoyed writing, reading and travelling.. was I wrong in thinking that way...? Am I underestimating the impact of old age on the physical and emotional abilities and coping mechanisms of a person? May be her ideas of beautiful old age were ...'her married daughter will visit her once in a while, she will be involved in her daughter's pregnancy.. she will be actively involved in raising the grandkids...and so on'. I took away this possibility from her... by refusing to marry, I took away a sense of meaning from her life, the way she had imagined it...

But am I not suppose to be honest to my own callings, fears, dreams and aspirations? I am caught up badly in the responsibility towards her and towards myself. For myself, I want the sense of freedom, freedom to make choices about my life like relationships, marriage, childbirth, career and so on.. I feel it is important that I listen to my inner voice and follow my heart.. I am also responsible rather obliged (according to Indian culture) to 'care' for my mother. But there is a conflict of interest here.. How do I solve this dilemma? How do I make a right choice here.. If I go back to India and try and care for her, I know I will be unhappy and angry at myself for not doing what I really want to do.. if I decide to go by my own callings and stay away from India, I might have bright career possibilities but this guilt that I left my mother alone in pain, aching for my physical and emotional companionship... i left her alone to die..... it will be even harder to forgive myself. For me, both these situations are extremely painful and I dont know what is the way out....

I have said this before... whenever I have a dilemma about existential life issue.. I feel the need to do a scholarly research.. I did the same when I was about to get married and the we all have seen the impact of that research.. now with my relationship with my mother becoming difficult each day,I am almost determined to understand old age from the perspective of all those Indian middle class parents, both married and widowed.. who are left behind in India.. they are financially stable.. their children are abroad.. well settled.. these parents make foreign trips almost every year or once in two years.. they are also quite healthy... they have everything but the actual company of their children and grandchildren...how do they perceive this life of theirs? Are they happy about it? What are their fears and worries? What helps them cope with this loneliness if they ever find themselves lonely? What could we (the children) do to help our parents age successfully and still retain quality and meaning in life? It all boils down to my personal moral dilemma.. what could I do to help my mother and also help myself in the process.. just taking this issue beyond my personal life and applying to a larger universe..

I am sure my mother is not the only one suffering.. there are many like her out there just the way there are many like me.. does anyone have any suggestions for me to strengthen my relationship with my mother? I am more than willing to listen to the perspective from the elderly.. their stories.. is it just an intergenerational conflict or something more than that... I really hope to find these answers in years to come and I hope I am not too late.. I would like to see the difference in our relationship while my mother is still alive.. can anyone help me on this?

Dolce Vita

Yet another day of relaxation and good times. It feels great when I am able to relax. Hours of afternoon nap, a beautiful Bollywood movie, nice warm Indian dinner and then a drink with a bunch of friends in the city center.. cant ask for more.

The movie I watched is called 'Dhobi Ghat'. It is an unusual bollywood film, far from those dance song family dramas. It explores lives and life of Mumbai through the lens of an ordinary person. Four main characters and their life stories intertwined, great backdrop of the real city settings. I really felt that Mumbai came alive through the movie. Mumbai is my city, but in recent years, after having gone places, my relationship with Mumbai has grown colder and distant. There are more things that I dont like about Mumbai than the things that I adore and admire about her. The movies like this, connect me with my city, its people and life running around the clock. Suddenly I feel my place in this megacity, I am part of her and she is as much a character of me. I cant be separated from her, however further away I might move from her. I loved this film for its unusual handling and all the emotions that it brought to my mind. Here is the wikipedia link for the movie if someone is interested. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dhobi_Ghat_(film). By the way Dhobi Ghat means the common places where hundreds of washer men do Mumbai's laundry... It is one of the tourist attractions in Mumbai. I have never been there but someday soon I will make it a point to visit the place.

I think the other aspect of the film that I liked was photography. It is much easier to explore the places and its people from behind the camera.. I loved some of the shots.. the people captured on the film looked so real, so natural, so at peace with themselves and the chaos around. I suddenly had a bright idea. I have to go out there in my city with a camera and try to discover new angles to the city and life within. I could also do photographs of elderly people.. capturing old age in Mumbai through images.. I think that will be a project worthwhile considering... another thing to my list of things to do.. Mumbai and its people from behind the lens.

This evening I had my first spritz, a padovian drink that I often saw around me but never tested before. I think I liked it but the best was the atmosphere. It was 24 C, cool breeze and loads of people around, after all it was a Friday night.. I got some beautiful shots in that area... cant wait to view them all..

What I am realizing each day is that life is really beautiful if I let it be that way.. Dolce Vita as they say it in Italian... I am glad that I have started taking baby steps towards accepting the life and enjoying its beauty.. and I must say I am loving it...

Goodnight my friends...

Joy of doing nothing

Today was a lazy day. I did nothing from the academic point of view. I spent hours shining my room, organizing the closet and cleaning up the study desk. The room looks and feels heavenly and the cool breeze through the window makes it even more magical. I decided not to study or read. Today was my day off. A day to spend doing nothing really important or relevant. I lingered over breakfast for almost an hour and same was the case with the lunch.

This evening, we decided to have dinner in a Chinese restaurant. The four of us, the Asians, two Indians, one Philippino and one Indonesian. The dinner stretched over three hours and it ended with Gelato. I cant forget I am in Italy so Gelato at the end of a good meal is a must. On my way to the restaurants, I was taking pictures as usual. I get intrigued by few things and I take hundreds of shots of these things. For example, the clouds in the sky, the old buildings, beautiful designs of the doors and the windows and the curtains... Padova is heaven for these pictures.. the windows small and big, greens and blues, the iron gates and old old houses. Today is a public holiday in Italy and it was visible in the city center. Everyone was out on the streets, eating drinking, eating gelato, relaxing with families, all the people, the young and the old alike.

These days, I have this strange urge to take pictures of people walking on the street in a natural moment. I get fascinated by the people who walk by, the way they are dressed, their facial expressions and it almost feels as I know their story through their eyes. Looking straight at them might make them uncomfortable and that is when camera comes in handy. In a way I can hide behind the lens and still get their story, still see through their life but without making it obvious. But I must say I am afraid.. am I impinging their privacy? Am I being too intrusive? Would they take offense of it? Is it ok if I can walk up to them and ask for permission? But taking permission means you lose the natural moment.. and I believe those are the best shots, when the person is unaware.. capturing the candid moments... what should I do? I never felt so compelled to take pictures of people. I have always been more interested in taking landscapes and sky... do we go through these phases even in our interest in photography? Does this change mean anything? Am I becoming more interested in social human life around me? I don't have answers for any of these nor do I need to know them immediately. But i only hope that I will find the most ethical way to photograph people in coming days without being a paparazzi...

I must say that my day was relaxing and i wont mind having such periodic breaks of 'doing nothing' to keep myself optimally functional.. what do you do when you want to take a break.. what helps you recharge your batteries?

Ciao...

30 days in Padova

I have been silent for more than a month. Feels really strange. I was not feeling inspired to write. Yesterday a friend of mine made me realize that this blog is more than a personal journal. I felt the need to go through my own posts and reflect on how life has taken turns since the catastrophe in August 2010. Writing and blogging helped me not only reflect but also to remain sane in the madness going on around me that time. But as I started feeling better, I stopped blogging. Almost same is the case when the patients stop their treatment when they start feeling better and symptoms are less.

I decided to start writing again. It is my last month in lovely Padova. The months have just flown by. Soon we all will part our ways and face the reality of working world. Saying goodbye to places and people has always been hard for me but this time i want to make most of it. In 30 days ahead, I want to absorb as much Padova and Italian life as I can. I want to live every moment and go home with bags full of good times, memories and experiences.

We woke up to a beautiful rainy morning today, I opened the window and spent five minutes staring at the rain drops making ripples in little puddle of water just outside my window. It was a magical moment to watch these ripples form, spread and then either disappear or merge into other ripples. Is life not the same? Everything happening, both happy and sad is transitory, like the ripples and it always makes a beautiful design and then fades away. I have a tendency to hold on to life events but only when i let go off them, I will be open to new ripples forming and new experiences coming my way.

I feel sorry that I did not make enough effort to connect with the locals here. Padova is a tiny student town, people are very friendly but language poses a significant barrier. I know that communication is not just about spoken words. What about that group of elderly women who enthusiastically tried to communicate with me with words, gestures and touch the other evening? They admired my black and gray hair, they were curious to know where I am from and what brings me to Padova, they were all talking at the same time. We were in chaos but there was a song of connectedness in that chaos. We were women, the young and the old, appreciating each others skin, hair, dress and smiles. I so wanted all silver hair like them and they wanted to have the tone of my skin. We took pictures, hands going around hands and shoulders and big smiles. I am sure if I hang around that piazza regularly, I will be easily accepted as one of them. I can sit there and listen to them. The elderly men were a bit distant but the ladies were just wonderful and beautiful. Elderly women inspire me, they make me want to grow old fast but like a mature wine, happy and content about life spent and optimistic and hopeful about the days ahead. I want to be a happy old woman. Did I tell you that Italian women are the most elegant women I have ever met. They may be young or old but they carry themselves so elegantly. The way they combine their dresses and accessories and off course their best accessories are their confidence and innate charm. I can spend hours together watching them walk by in public places. I have this immense urge to ask them, 'will you give me basic lessons in grooming and being like you?' Have you ever noticed this pair of twinkling eyes from the wrinkled face? I have no words to express that twinkle, that face and the story of life behind those pair of eyes. Each is like an open book ready to be read through the eyes of the individual.

This evening on our way back from Asian Grocery store, three (girls)of us decided to go for a drink. The evening breeze was perfect to relax and enjoy a drink outside and there are lovely tiny cafes all around the city. We had fun time, the girl talks, the gossips and hot chocolate along with the live music being played. We all realized that the time is slipping out of our hands just like the sand from a closed fist. We have to make sure to enjoy these little pleasures of student life in an Italian summer.. and why not? How many people get to go places like we did? How many get to be in Italy for 3 months in the best season of the year? How many of us get to make friends from across continents, fight and argue with them, cook and eat together and laugh and cry with each other?

I must say I am blessed. Life has always opened up beautiful opportunities in front of me. What made the difference is my attitude towards life and its opportunities. Every time I went and greeted life with open arms, eyes and mind, I got ample love, warmth and affection in return, more than what I probably gave. But if I was skeptical and closed for whatever reasons, things always turned out differently. I have every reason to believe in goodness that life brings and that is what I am going to do for coming 30 days.. embrace the life with an open mind.

My wishes for 2day are.. I want to grow into elegant, mature and beautiful woman like the Italian ladies, the young and the old. And I want to take pleasure in small joys of life, like a hot chocolate with girl friends or a smile from an elderly woman just crossing the path. It doesn't cost a penny but it is the best therapy to feel happy...

what is your wish for the day friends....

From Sunny Padova

Yes, I am in Padova. It is more than three weeks now. The move from the Netherlands to Italy was not simple but I must say I am doing OK. I always wanted to visit Italy and here I am, not just visiting Italy but living in Italy, studying at one of the world's oldest University, surrounded by friends, blessed with loads of sunshine and cool breeze in the evening.

I do miss my friends in the Netherlands and Belgium a lot. I am not able to use Skype or VOIP as I would have liked to use. That makes it a bit harder. But I often write to them and they write me back. My school has started, in fact we finished the first module already. I have already visited two Italian Hospitals, the university hospital here and the other one in Vicenza. I must say there are some striking differences and similarities when it comes to hospitals in Italy and in India but that is not what I want to talk about.

Padova is a beautiful city, a student town to be honest. Heritage buildings, historic walkways, the paths paved with stones which make it impossible to wear high heels, the fashion boutiques sprawling all over the town, tiny bakeries and cafes, big open air fruit and vegetable market in the city square, the book shops and the print shops. We have all that we need to lead comfortable student life. The weather has been perfect, warm but not unbearable, evenings are particularly pleasant. I often go for long walks in the evening. The city has old buildings and monuments, particularly interesting is the heritage building of the university which boasts teachers like Galileo Galilee, Copernico, Harvey, Morgagni and Fallopio just to list a few. The world's first anatomical theater was built in this university and can be visited as a guided tour till date. The university also has the honor of having first woman graduate of the world, who graduated in Philosophy in 1672. I felt so proud to be part of this rich tradition and history. I am looking forward to my graduation which will take place in the Aula of the university on 29th June 2011. One more step completed, the question is, what do I want to do next?

I have already been to Rome, Venice and Verona. Each city has her own charm. It was relaxing and rejuvenating to connect with the history. I spent hours contemplating and reflecting on my life, my future, just watching the sky grow orange red with sunset, feeling the evening chill sitting on a bench under a tree, enjoyed the boat rides and also had pleasure of getting lost a bit in Rome. I have tried different flavors of Gelato, had all that I could amongst vegetarian options of pasta and pizza. I also tried to learn Italian a bit but was not very successful.

By now, you have noticed that I did everything but studies. That is true. Now the pressure is building up. The course work, the assignments, the thesis and searching for future options, all needs to go hand in hand. I cant neglect any of these activities. But to be honest, all I want to do is be lazy and do nothing. The joy of doing nothing. The problem is I can never do it without having guilt after that. The fear starts clouding again, so does the guilt. Why am I wasting time? I should have been working hard. Why do I not feel inspired at all? Why do I worry about July 2011 when I have still May and June to enjoy? Why can I not be assured that I will find my ways as I have always done before, whether it is a job opportunity or starting something on my own? Why do I always feel skeptical and pessimistic about what I can do?

I want to feel confident of my future. I want to enjoy life every single day irrespective of whether I am in Italy or in any other part of the world. I want to be happy without feeling guilty of these small pleasures of life. I do not want to constantly worry about my future, my family responsibility and my financial situation. I want to be free like a bird. But are birds really free? I dont know for sure. I think too much. Can I modulate my thoughts? Can I turn them into positive thoughts, one filled with hope and dreams without loosing the ground under my feet? Can I be myself, ready to take new challenges, exploring new horizons, trying things that I have never done before and eager to learn from each of these life experiences.

That is who I aspire to be but I dont know how to be that girl. Where do I begin? I often have more questions but may be questioning starts the process already... who knows, the time will tell what i make out of my life opportunities. I hope I make something meaningful and simple out of it.

Three months in the Netherlands: absorbing pleasures of food and friendship.

Here I am, again. Had a long busy week and I have to read some 200 pages in order to pass the exam tomorrow. But I feel ok. I just now made myself lovely dinner. I enjoyed it while listening to my favorite audio book, 'eat pray and love'. I am meeting a friend for dinner this Tuesday evening and I have just spent three lovely though action packed days with my six friends in Amsterdam amidst my research interviews.

I was depressed, sad, worried and lonely when I boarded a wrong train to Amsterdam on Wednesday evening. That is what happens when you have not been sleeping well and you are perpetually worried about following your deadlines. I had a huge suitcase with me, moving part of my belongings which I wont need in Italy to a friend's apartment in Amsterdam. Finally when I got in the right train, I just collapsed in a chair and felt all the energy depleted from me. 'What are you running away from? What are you running after? Do you have any idea?', I kept asking myself. I was tired, I wanted to fall asleep. My eyes were burning in pain and my head was hurting but I could not sleep, I could not stop worrying and I could not distract my mind from those depressing thoughts. I knew that depression had caught up with me yet again. 'Off course it has, you stopped meditation immediately when you started feeling better', I almost scolded myself. It was a cold and windy evening in Amsterdam. I somehow made it to my friend's apartment totally exhausted and she had one look at my face and she understood it all.

I have started valuing my friends like never before. In fact the three months in Netherlands is all about friendship, warmth and unconditional support I received from my friends. I am not used to such affection. Did I ever tell you that I had great difficulty in making friends, even harder was to make friends with fellow women. I never fully understood the reasons. I was 23 when I actually could start connecting with friends and before that I had only two friends. I am still not sure if I understand the concept of friendship completely. May be I should read Aristotle's thoughts on friendship. But I must say over the years, I am blessed with wonderful friends scattered all over the world. They are away from me but they are still connected with me in very subtle ways.

My last trip to Amsterdam was special in many ways. I finished my last research interviews. I had first job interview in Leiden and four friends of mine all gathered in a common friend's place over an Indian dinner so that I could meet them all and say goodbye to them in one go before heading to Italy. Another friend of mine printed out maps for me to reach my respondents without getting lost. He knows very well how disoriented I can be even in ordinary situations, and that gets accentuated when I am terribly stressed or worried. All three evenings in Amsterdam were dedicated to friends and food, two of my life saving interventions. I had Chinese food with a great friend of mine, my first gastronomic experience of asparagus with garlic and oyster sauce in a fancy and floating Chinese restaurant 'Sea Palace' in Amsterdam. Later a Chinese friend of mine told me that the tourists visiting Amsterdam believe that the trip is incomplete without a meal in 'Sea Palace'. Another friend prepared a French salad and spinach and mushroom soup. In the mega Indian meal, we had Kadhai Paneer, Gobi and Laccha Paratha, Baigun Bhajja and Dudhi Halwa. On the last day I had a tiramisu in a small cafe next to central station in Amsterdam with another dear friend of mine who traveled all the way from Groningen to spend some time with me. I said before, this trip was all about friends and food.

The days were not always easy. One of my PhD application was rejected this week. There was way too much I had committed myself to on work front and I began to see how impossible it is to complete all that I had planned. I am travelling to Krakow, Poland in two days and how will I ever manage to finish all the work. I do not want to travel with work hanging on my head. I want to relax and feel free and may be I would do nothing in Poland but sit and eat or sleep or read or do whatever I feel like doing. I must say I was also nervous about the job interview. Last time I was interviewed for a job was way back in December 2006. I felt that I have forgotten all about interviews. This is my first formal interview in the Netherlands, how was I going to be myself. I dont even have a formal dress. Again my friends barged in with help, I had someone's formal dress, someone's blazer, ohh yes how can I forget the formal shoes with the heel given by another friend and a office bag given by the other. I always see myself in my jeans and sneakers with a backpack. That is my universal image. These girls converted me into someone that I could not recognize myself. I was everything and everyone but me, nervous like hell and upset with myself to be so less prepared for the challenges of 'real' world. How could I be thirty one and not have a business dress assembled? My wardrobe over flows with clothes but nothing I could wear for this formal event. I need to go shopping and I need a gang of my girlfriends to teach me basic grooming and dressing tricks.

After initial meltdown, I must say I recovered much fast this time, thanks to constant presence of my friends around me, supporting me and encouraging me. We spent hours talking each night, pondering over our life stories, making jokes about our past, dreaming about futures and being 'girls'. The candles and French and Argentinian wine made it even more magnificent. I think this time I handled a temporary setback (rejected application) better than ever before. It is hard for me to cope with situations which do not go as per my plans. May be I am finally becoming wiser. We will see how long this wisdom lasts, i hope it not only lasts but grows more profound.

Yesterday evening as I began my journey back home to Nijmegen, there were more hugs and tearful goodbyes by my friends. Many have promised to visit me in Padova. If even half of them actually make it to Italy, I know for sure that my days in Italy will be full with fun. Some of my friends have already graciously connected me with their own Italian friends. I so love my friends. I remembered how heavily I sobbed in the arms of my gray lotuses in the meditation group in Leuven. The thought of leaving them was unbearable. I often miss my friends from Leuven but the girlfriends in the Netherlands took away all those tears, they made my days in Nijmegen special and wonderful. I met so many wonderful people in my school, during my research, in my tango classes. Now I have to say goodbye to them as well and move on further. Surprisingly I did not cry like the way I cried in Leuven. Dont know what to make out of it.

But I am ready to move on. One last exam, one last Indian dinner with a friend in Nijmegen and I am off on a holiday to Poland. I will soon start the journey to Italy but I know for sure I will come back to the Netherlands. I have such strange but strong connection with this country and I will never be able to explain it even to myself. I will be back in the Netherlands in July and a very dear friend of mine has already planted a seed of travelling to Norway together this summer. Norway... wow, i never dreamed that some day I would travel to Norway that too in a camping car through Germany and Denmark. So in days to come, you will read about Poland, then my Italian adventures and my summer dreams of Norwegian travels and tango...