I wish I could be lazy..

I never thought it was so difficult to be lazy... rather the contrary.. but with each passing day I am realizing what a huge challenge it is for me to be lazy and not feel guilty about having done no work.... I am right now overwhelmed with this guilt as I just realized how unproductive and useless I have been for last 10 days or so...

I had ambitious plans for the Christmas holidays.. I was alone in the office, so I thought I could accomplish a lot in these days because there were no distractions.. I wanted to write few assignments, submit a paper to a journal, write 3 abstracts, and apply for 2 or 3 travel grants and scholarships to be able to conduct the research for my Phd... I wanted to treat myself well, enjoy the holidays, cook and eat good meals, go out and have fun.. I wanted to write letters and post cards to friends and family.. I wanted to clean my apartment before travelling to Mumbai, I had hoped to pack my bags and I wanted to feel relaxed and happy at the end of accomplishing all of this... all in ten days...

This is what I achieved.. one assignment, lot of cooking and eating, letters to friends and family, a clean apartment and a packed bag.... and rather than feeling relaxed and happy, I am overwhelmed, tired, irritated, sick, annoyed and angry at myself.. and incredibly guilty... I did not accomplish even 20% of what I wanted to... and I will have to work while I am on holidays in Mumbai... which means my mom and brother will be annoyed and then I will be mad at myself again... I already see how this vacation is going to evolve... I really don't want to land in Mumbai and start cleaning my apartment there.. obsessively.. I always do that.. for reasons I don't understand.. I think I am rather trying to clean my own emotional webs and struggles.. in the hope that if the outside surfaces are clean, I will feel at peace and happy.. but experience of more than 20 years tells me that has never happened... Instead I inhale and ingest a lot of dust and then spend 2 weeks being terribly sick with severe allergic rhinitis and bronchitis... why do I do that?

I am terribly upset at all those school teachers of mine who told me I had to be busy like a bee, always working, collecting honey... that doesn't help... I have turned into this crazy workoholic who has hard time to relax and have fun... I have to make plans to enjoy life and work hard at executing them .. to take time out... to sit on a couch the whole day and do nothing.... Sometimes I spend the day on a couch doing nothing but at the end of the day I am almost in tears for having wasted the whole day... don't ask me what I was hoping to achieve instead.. I am sure I did not have any brilliant productive ideas or hobbies... It was Helma who recently made me see how often I express thoughts like.. 'ohh no, what I am doing, I am such a waste of time.. or I have wasted so many years of my life...' she looked at me in total shock and asked... Is that really true that you wasted significant amount of time or  part of your life?

The truth is I often feel that I have wasted so much time in my life.. I have wasted so many opportunities to live life...the things that people do in their teens, I am doing them now in my 30s..I still blow soap bubbles like a five year old...  I am the joke in my family that my social growth mile stones lag behind by at least 2 decades... I seriously did not enjoy my youth even a bit.. because I wanted to be a mature, independent, grown up adult...and now as an adult I feel lost... not having learned things that one naturally learns by just being your age... I am an emotional wreck at the moment.. wish I had these experiences in my teens so that I would have handled these situations better now...instead I hope and desire to be an old woman quickly enough... because I believe I will be sorted out when I am old.. I bet I will be far from sorted out elderly person.. I will be uncooked, unevenly baked cake.. totally chaotic, confused, guilty and sad for not having lived life when I had a chance...I was always trying to work hard to deserve at the end of long period of hard work some moments to relax and enjoy, free of worries.. but that has never happened.. instead I have turned into this tiny hamster.. who keeps running on his little wheel... at least Hamster seems to enjoy his actions.. but I dont .. and I feel terrible about myself... I dont want to be a busy bee.. I want to be a lazy bee.. I just want to feel like a normal person of my age... not as a teen ager and definitely not as an elderly woman... at least not at this moment... and my workoholism also has reached a stage of stagnation... I am not being productive at all... rather I feel I am stuck...

It was December 2007.. I was on vacation in Kerala... for 10 days and I just could not relax and enjoy the beautiful state... the backwaters, the ayurvedic retreats and massages... I had high levels of adrenalin all the time, and I was always on my toes, ready to face some impending disaster.. there was no disaster.. but I just felt I had to be aware and ready.. ready for things that were unlikely to happen... and guess what.. I came back from Kerala feeling more tired than before... and I was scared with this realization that it was impossible for me to let my hair loose and just have fun... boy.. what have I done to myself...

another tragedy that I have voluntarily embraced and internalized in life is my constant effort to be organized.. organize each day, organize my kitchen, organize my work space, and papers, organize future... Organized could be my second name... I want to plan everything.. I want to be prepared for anything that might go wrong.. the problem is I am so busy planning that I completely forget to live the moment, to enjoy it, to be happy here and now.. some of my friends often tap on my shoulder and ask ,'hey where are you?'... I am often somewhere in future.. planning something which is way beyond my controls or I am lost in the past... feeling lost and hopeless....' finding me here and now.. is extremely rare... but sometimes that happens... and then I am planning.. how can I be like that more often... that's it.. that is the end.. all spontaneity is gone... and I am back to being a hamster...

I really have to divorce my to do lists... they are all around me... one for work, one for home, one for future plans and one for miscellaneous.. my life is controlled by my to do list... and I hate the days when I cant strike out at least half of the things on my list... I guess I have to make another to do list.. list to live life, to have fun... nooooo I don't want to even go that way.. that would be a disaster for sure.. and I would probably reach a point of no return.. I just have to let go of my list of things to do... you know, I have been depending on them so much that my brain and memory has gone weak.. I cant do my groceries efficiently without my list of required things... How did I get so addicted to these little pieces of paper....

Ohhh universe, please teach me how to be lazy, how to take life easy, how to be here and now, how to have fun and a good laugh without feeling guilty.... teach me how to be a normal person and how to behave like my age..... I am tired of myself... for being such a boring hamster....

Is there a book 'how to be lazy in 21 days?' or 'being lazy for dummies'... I need something like that to get started.... I am not sure... I think laziness has to be learned by doing.. and not by reading.. or planning... so I just have to practice being lazy... may be see some good examples around... learn from the others...

Folks, help me be lazy.. that would improve my physical health and mental well-being considerably... any ideas or suggestions? I promise I will be much more fun unless you think the hamster is fun...

How do I spend the evening now, doing nothing.. just being lazy... hahahha I am really goofed up.. I am asking myself what to do to be lazy.. doing and being lazy, dont go together, do they?

Note: The image is obtained from the following link
http://www.michelemolinaro.com/is-your-life-running-faster-than-you/woman-on-hamster-wheel/

To those six men

I think five of you are in a prison somewhere in Delhi and may be one of you is still hiding somewhere..

Have you heard the news? I hope you did.. because the girl that you had your way with on the night of 16th December died this morning... fighting severe physical injuries, gangrenous intestines, multi-organ failure caused by infections... Did they tell you that she wanted to live, she was trying to communicate with her family as much as she could, she even gave her statement to the magistrate twice. She wanted to live and she wanted to complete her studies....

but you had some different plans for her? Why? and if I may ask you, in what capacity? Who were you to her? Did you plan this for months in advance? Were you looking for a victim to fulfil your own desires or just to take out all your frustrations arising from somewhere else?Why this girl? Why any girl, woman, human being? Why should someone else pay the price of your action? What is so special about you that a 23 year old had to sustain that brutal attack by you and in the end loose a battle of life?

Your actions as described by the media and as evident from the injuries the girl sustained make me feel that you were not human beings at least at that hour. I cant imagine a human being carrying out such mean, animal like behaviour  What was it that fuelled your actions? What was going on in your heads? Did you realize what you were doing? Was it just to get some sexual pleasure? But how can you have pleasure by forcing yourself sexually as a group against a lone woman? Unless you are capable of deriving pleasure by inflicting pain on others... I really hope that you don't get a second chance at deriving such pleasure with anyone again...

My first reaction was that your actions were worse than animals.. but now when i think about it and as my brother brought to my notice, I am actually insulting animals by referring to your brutalities as animalistic instincts... I have not studied zoology in great details but I think even in animal kingdom, group of males don't assault a female with the brutality comparable to yours... nope, I would definitely wont call you animals.. that is really demeaning to the animal kingdom.

Were you intoxicated? I see you were definitely intoxicated by sexual desire but I am referring to substances, chemicals, alcohol whatever.... because even if you derive pleasure by inflicting pain on others, I cant understand what motivated you to repeatedly insert an iron rod inside this woman's body? Were your own personal weapons not capable enough to cause  pain so that you would derive adequate pleasure? I really don't get this.. what were you thinking? and whose creative idea was this?

I am not sure if you guys knew each other before hand... because if you were not.. that makes me further surprised . I am trying hard to comprehend a situation where 6 men unfamiliar with each other sharing a ride in a bus somehow managed to communicate with each other in such an effective way in presence of this young woman and her male companion and you even succeeded in executing your plan.. We definitely need to learn your communication strategy.. that might help us communicate with millions of Indians who are outraged and upset right now, thanks to your deeds... I know this might endanger your life significantly.. but I am not so worried about that... and knowing the power of anger and sadness that is boiling inside me, I can only assess the cumulative power of similar emotions shared by millions of people like me... if we manage to communicate the same way you managed.. I promise you, you will have no place to hide, and no prison can keep you safe... so thank your stars that at this moment, we do not know how to communicate with each other... because the moment that happens... you will have hard time protecting yourself... and may be you need to experience that kind of vulnerability at least once in your life.. just to give you a perspective what that girl must have gone through while you were pounding at her, tearing her away bit by bit....

Do you have a family? Do you have friends? Do they know that you are behind the bars for this crime? Have they come to see you in the prison? What did they say to you? Could they even look into your eyes? Could they hold your hands, the same hands that forced a woman down and assaulted her... I don't know who all are there in your family but may be some of you have mother, some others might even have sisters, daughters  some of you might even be married.. how was it for them to see you as the rapists? How was it for you to see these women in your relations after having raped and killed another woman? You know I am really concerned about the trauma that your mothers have to live with for the fact that they brought you in this world. I can only feel the pain of your daughters and the shame that they would carry in their hearts for you are their father... I can feel the disgust that your wives might feel for themselves that you were their husbands... You have not hurt and killed just one woman, you have killed millions of women, some in your own relations but more... thousands and thousands of women like me, who have nothing to do with you.. who have never seen you... so criminal charges against you are far more grievous than what you think... and trust me, we are all wondering.. what did we do to have men like you around us, among us...

May be you don't have a mirror in the prison.. that is good... because I don't know what will you see if you see yourself in a mirror? That might be a very scary and confronting experience for you... but you can look at some of your body parts... for example your hands, your legs, your torsos and genitals... how does that feel now in the light of your actions on 16th December .. Do you loath yourself? Do you feel ashamed? Any trace of guilt? Any slightest space for repentance? What about sadness? What about pain? May be some fear? Hope? I am really not able to assess your emotional landscape at the moment... I am having hard time to assess my own emotional landscape and my only relation to the event is being a coward, mute bystander, a silent spectator ... but you were the actors of the event, may be I should call you villains... and probably that has huge influence on your emotional landscape... I hope these days behind the bars will give you ample time and opportunity to reflect on your deeds and your life... I cant promise that it might help you in some ways... but who knows...

I hope you are in isolated cells in the prison... because if you are in one of those cells overcrowded with other criminals.. your lives might be in great danger.. but the fact that we have not heard about you being beaten to death by your fellow inmates tells me that your inmates do not know your true identity or they do not have access to news from outside world... but the prison officers know about you... and I am sure they are not treating you in very kind ways... I am in support of your own human rights as well.. even though I have often doubts to think of you as humans... so I really hope that you are safe behind those bars.... at least till the time the trial begins in the court and justice is made... I must be honest.. I don't believe that Indian society and the judicial system is capable of providing justice in this case... what justice means and how it should be reached is too complex a question and I have neither knowledge or expertise in this field to make a comment...

If you do not know, let me tell you the body of this young woman will be flown into Delhi this evening, government has put bans on any kind of protests..there is tremendous police force around the capital to prevent any form of protests... I guess they know what could happen if so many angry people gather together...  but people are gathering together any ways all over the country , they are protesting in peaceful ways... there is a strong public demand that you should be given a capital punishment... and that too not after a trial that goes on for 25 years... there are strong slogans stating 'justice delayed is justice denied'.. there is another voice asking for hanging you till death in public place... people feel that way a strong statement will be made and that might deter similar incidences in future.... lot of people are also asking that you should be castrated and  made to live a life without those organs of manhood...

I do not really think any of this would make a difference to you or to many like you who are out there.. who only can see women as objects, who can feel masculine only by overpowering and abusing women... and I also believe that you are just the symptoms, the tip of the iceberg... the real problem is much deeply rooted in our society...bobbitting you or hanging you in public is only a symptomatic treatment.. it does nothing to tackle the disease which is everywhere in our society...

So I ask you.. the six of you who brutally assaulted, gang-raped a 23 year old woman in Delhi on the night of 16th December 2012 and then threw her out of the running bus... who eventually became responsible for her death due to infection and multi-organ failure.... what do you think you deserve? What should be your fate? What should be done to provide justice to this young woman and many others like her.. What should be done to give you a second chance but making sure you do not pose danger of any sort to any other person? What should we do so that your mothers, daughters, sisters and wives do not live a life of shame, guilt and blame because of your actions? Please take a moment to reflect and tell us how should we treat you....

Wind

I was not at all sure what  I could write about wind when I got this prompt yesterday... There must be a reason why my friend gave me this prompt .. may be some day she will tell me about it..

Wind has been whirling in my mind for a while.. but no words to express. I was at work today, and it was yet another non-productive day.. I did many things except the task that I must have really finished.. that's right, I had to write a research proposal and when it comes to writing something like that, I am the empress of procrastination. The day came to an end but my 'to do' list continued to stair at me rather sarcastically. At 5pm I decided to call it a day of any ways 'nonproductive' day only to realize the stormy weather outside... ahhaa.. I generally forget to carry an umbrella and today was no exception....

I walked home in a stormy rainy weather.The wind was so strong against my face that I really had hard time to walk forward. The hood of the jacket could not keep my loose hair together and the rain drops poked my face like little splinters. That really was painful. My jacket was soaked in water in no time and I started to shiver. My glasses covered with rain drops made it impossible to see anything clearly. My hands were cold and incredibly painful. The indicator on the road said it was 9 C, but I was frozen cold. And I am someone that rarely feels cold. That 25 minute walk home today truly showed me the power of the wind and I found something to write about it but only after being at home and feeling warm and cosy.

I must have been about 6 or 7 years old. I think I was still writing with pencils in those days as we were allowed to use pen at school only from the age of 8. It was science exam and one of the questions required us to define wind. I could not understand the question. How could you define something like wind that is all around us, but you cant see it, smell it, touch it or feel it? I really tried hard but could not think of any possible ways I could define wind... what a disappointment.. was this really from our text book? May be it was a trick question. My mother picked me up from the school and I shot the question at her. "Mom, how can we define wind?" She smiled and answered, 'the wind is the air that blows'. She explained the difference between air which is all around us, we know it is there, we need it to breath but we cant really feel it. But when this air moves with varying speeds, it creates the wind, the one that we can feel on our face, we can see it with branches of trees swaying, with the clouds rushing by in the sky, with the cyclones and typhoons. Wow.. that was an eureka moment for the six year old... it made perfect sense. I thought I would never forget what is wind.. but I did forget, or we can say that it went off my conscious mind... I had other better things to remember in life than the definition of wind... but this evening, walking through that rain and wind, it all came back to me... as if it happened just a moment ago.. I looked around, almost hoping to see my mother, to reach out to her and hold her hand as I was crossing the busy traffic street. I wanted to tell her, "look mom, the wind, the air that blows!!" She wasn't there.. I was walking home alone and yes the wind kept me company.

Wind did keep me company all the while. I was doing my first clinical rotation in surgery. It was morning grand rounds in the ward and the professor of surgery kept asking all the patients who had underwent gastrointestinal surgery one important question. 'have you passed the wind today?' It is a surgeon's nightmare if post operatively patient did not pass the wind. I guess most patients could not understand the significance of this question or passing the wind, but a young surgeon in training knows what is at stake. May be even in dreams, he must be asking , 'hey did you pass the wind today?'

Ask a new mother the importance of her baby passing the wind, her tricks to help the baby burp after being breast fed. If the wind is not passed, the baby suffers to no limits and can only cry in hope that eventually all that discomfort would disappear. Wind is the air that moves, so true! From the stomach, up the oesophagus, out through the mouth, creating what we call a burp.

Few years ago, while studying medical anthropology, I learned that some communities actually greet each other not with hello or hi or how are you, but with the sentinel question, 'Have you passed the wind today?' I know that many cultures would terribly look down upon this gross, unsophisticated almost savage community but I am really impressed by their thoughtfulness. Passage of wind has been associated with normal rhythm and functioning of human body and hence the indicator of a good health and what is so savage about enquiring if the other has been feeling healthy or not... I love this custom of greeting just the way I love the Inuit ritual of greeting with the tip of the nose...

I love wind on my face while travelling in the train or a bus in India even though it comes with its own innate dangers... I have had black suit all over my face, thanks to being glued to the open window in a train with old coal based engine... I looked hilarious.. somewhat like Zwarte Piet, the assistants of Sinterklaas. I love to listen to wind blowing through the bamboo plantations, that soft music created by nature can really take me to the seventh heaven. Same is the intensity of listening to the waves of sea splashing to the shore and the wind roaring over the open expanse of the sea... through the coconut trees and palms... in my language, we have a word for this peculiar sound of water and the wind.. गाझ, I dont think we have such one word in English, at least I am not aware of. I can spend ours together watching the autumn leaves dancing with the wind and swirling around.. eventually finding their place... on the mother earth. When I see gigantic windmill farms along the north sea, I know I am soon landing in Amsterdam.. It gives me a sense of finally being at home. I am often amazed by the traditional Dutch wind mills facilitating the delicate balance of water levels in the polders. Wind mills managing water levels! Neat, isnt it? How much I loved biking through Amsterdam in that strong wind... sometimes pushing me forward but most of the times eager to blow me away... and same is the saga of heavy rains and monsoon winds back in Mumbai.. blowing my umbrella away....I miss monsoon... when was the last time I enjoyed strong sea wind on the shores of Mumbai cost line in monsoon? It is even hard to remember.... must have been real long time ago...

But there are still many ways I have to befriend the wind...I want to glide and I want to sail on the sail boats.. sailing, I really missed that opportunity to go sailing with friends in Friesland... hopefully in the future. This spring, I hopefully will experience being in a glider for the first time, I have my fingers crossed. The wind is still strong outside.. and I am listening to the soft sounds of my wind chyme.. I love wind chymes and this one hanging in my balcony is a present from Irene, my friend in Germany. Irene, this wind-chyme has kept me warm loving company from the very first day I entered my new home in Basel... it talks to me and it reminds me of your unconditional love and support... thank you my dear angel... I reach out to you in particular through this blog post... about the wind.. and the wind chyme... and send you loads of love and kisses.. along with the sounds of this chyme... the sounds so soft, tender and delicate that I will never be able to describe them in words. Instead, I just invite you to visit me in Basel and listen to it with me.....

Open letter..

Dear men and women,

Please forgive me for being mad and upset at the moment. I do not even know who am I writing this letter to? But I know why  I am writing this letter. I need to communicate with you, I need to express my anger, my disappointment, my concerns and anguish and most importantly I need to understand your point of view. It just feels as if I don't really know you or comprehend you.. and without this link or communication, we will never be able to work on the issues together...

What am I angry about? Well many things but most important I guess is how women are perceived, treated and exploited in everyday life in most parts of the world. I can only talk about my own experiences from India but I also know that women face similar fate in many parts of the world, the developed and the developing world alike. The most recent trigger for me to explode has been recent case of gang rape in Delhi, the anger and outrage in my country and for last two days, how brutally the police has charged against the protesters. I know this is not a unique incidence, this happens everyday all around us but we just dont see it, dont hear it... we tell ourselves, 'all is well'.. but the fact is all is not well... and I cant keep quiet any more... I know many of my friends and family members are similarly boiling with anger and feel helpless that we dont know how and where to begin to tackle this issue.. we all read the news coverage, we watch the media debate and experts arguing about social, cultural and legal complexities around violence against women... but the question is how do we translate any of this discussion into action? where do we take the first steps? Who do we partner with? and most importantly who are we fighting against?

Right at the beginning, I must clarify something. Though I am addressing this letter to 'men' and women, I am not blaming any one. I know there is a huge variety of men out there, in terms of their ideologies, morality, behaviour and perceptions , in this case regarding how women are seen, perceived and treated. I  am also aware of and saddened by the fact that even women can and have been causing serious physical, mental and emotional violence against men. I take the responsibility for this as a member of women's community. I do not want to divide us into two camps, men and women.. rather, I want to just reach out to men and women both and hope that they will help me understand the missing links in this complex social and cultural structure which has supported organized violence against women for centuries. I need to understand your perspective. I need to understand how these incidences affect you. I need to know your reactions and thoughts on how the situation could be improved. I want you to be part of this effort to create a better society where both men and women can live a life free of danger and risks which are attributed to the gender. Since I am most familiar with Indian society, I am going to talk about gender attributed dangers for women in that society... but I am repeating myself again, the issues are more or less universal, they just take a different form in different countries...

We have often taken pride in describing Indian civilization as one of the oldest civilizations on this planet. But oldest doesn't necessarily translate into wisest. One thing that bothers me the most about my country and culture is how women are treated in every walk of life, from religion to politics, from households to work place. I am not going to talk about how much cruelty we have inflicted on women in ancient times, what we have done to our widows and how systematically women were barred from any positions of power, opportunity to learn and freedom of expression. In principle now, women are equal to men in the eyes of Indian constitution, we did not have to wait too long to get the right to vote, we even have affirmative action and reservations in political, educational and public sector jobs but still we are most vulnerable in everyday life just because we are women...

Fight for existence for a woman in India starts even before birth. For many in my society even today, birth of a girl child feels like a burden. Sex selective abortions continue to disrupt natural male to female sex ratio at birth and this is particularly evident in northern India.. Why is a girl seen as a burden? Because you have to pay dowry to marry her off, because she any ways leaves her natal home, so why invest on her? If you dont have a son, you may not reach the heaven as only the son can perform the rituals after death. Because having a daughter adds to vulnerability, girls and women are the first target of destroying honour of the family.. this is often given as a sociological explanation for strong preference for male children in Northern India as most attackers and intruders entered India from the North. We needed a battalion of men to fight these enemies and women just added extra responsibility since they needed to be protected against the attackers... you want to destroy the courage and confidence of men, attack their women, assault them sexually, systematically rape them.. this strategy has been used for centuries all over the world... so why bother giving birth to girls, better that they are not born.. medical technology and ultrasound made it easy.. and many girls in India disappeared even before taking first breath... every person who doesn't see the implications of this, must watch the movie 'Matrubhoomi, a nation without women'... heart wrenching, dark, futuristic story unfolding in a north Indian village... the movie clearly shows how animal like humans can behave.. and how worse than animals can women be treated... this movie troubles me immensely every time I watch it but it also reinforces my intention to fight these societal norms in whatever little ways I can...

What I am going to describe below is a community level aggregate proven through many statistical and epidemiological studies in India. If a girl is still born, there is a very high chance that she will be underweight and malnourished, because food distribution within the family is often unequal. Most of the available food gets served to men and boys and whatever remains is equally divided amongst the women and the girls. It is highly likely that the girl will be brought to health care services much later, in more critical condition than her brothers. It is well known that below five  mortality is higher among the girls than the boys and even percentage of vaccinations against vaccine preventable diseases is significantly lower for girls than for the boys. If a family cant afford schooling, it is most likely the girl who gives up her studies. She is expected to behave right, she is the honour of the family.. if she dares to break the norms or falls in love with the guy from another caste or community, it is invariably the young girl who might get killed by her own community and the name given to this brutal tradition is 'honour killing', killing a woman is justified to save the honour of the family. If she rejects a man who believes he loves her, it is quite likely that he might stalk her, stab her to death in public places or even worse, throw acid on her face to teach her a lesson... killing her slowly each day, causing severe injuries not only to her face but attacking her very sense of being a woman. After marriage, she might face violence for many different reasons, for not bringing enough dowry or for not providing a male heir to the family. If she is unable to conceive, she lives with constant fear that she might be kicked out of the house. Infertility is yet another social stigma for a young woman apart from being abandoned by the husband or being divorced.

The old Hindu texts prescribe that woman needs to be protected in every stage of life, she is protected by her father as a child, by her brothers as a young girl, by her husband through the marriage and by the sons in her old age, the question I often face is, she should be protected against whom? I guess most logical answer is from the other men... but why should that be the case? Why is a woman in India so vulnerable that she can not and should not envisage a safe life without a man? and does presence of man really protect her? and if it does, what about various forms of violence, physical, verbal, emotional, inflicted by this protector on this woman? she has nowhere to go.. because without this protector, her life is even more dangerous.. it is better to be assaulted by one man than being out on the streets and being an easy pray to many...

Sometimes I wonder if we women failed significantly while raising our sons. May be we did not manage to set an example of gender equality through our own lives and actions. If a young boy has only seen how unequal the relationship between his parents has been, it is easy to follow the same steps and continue the same behaviour assuming that is the 'right' thing to do. Well I believe many young men can and have been thinking for themselves and questioning these norms but do they get supported in this endeavour? I guess, their mothers are their first critiques for being 'pro' women. We instructed our daughters to behave morally, to dress sober, to not cross the socially sanctioned limits, but we forgot to make our sons realize that the women around him in every context and relationship are equal to him and should be treated with respect, dignity and honour.. We terribly failed in demystifying masculinity and femininity in everyday life and most importantly we failed to become strength and support of our fellow women. Women often have been biggest critiques and enemies of other women. This has been observed in generations particularly the viscous circle of relationship between the mother in law and the daughter in law. We women have often justified and supported male aggression consciously or unconsciously, we accepted it to be the norm. We never challenged this assumption but rather put the responsibility on women not to provoke the men, either their physical aggression or sexual. It is always heartbreaking to hear women commenting that the woman must have done something to deserve the wrath of a man, how do we explain that?

to be honest, none of this discussion matters.. what I am really keen to understand is how can we make a difference? How can I make a difference in my own life and consequently in life surrounding me? How can I set a positive example for my sons and daughters, for my brothers and sisters, for my friends and colleagues, for men and women in diverse relationships with me and beyond me? My real struggle right now is not to feel angry at men, to not build walls around me and hide in my cocoon, to not make this a battle between men and women.. I want to look for hope, little change agents, people who have challenged the system and made a tiny bit of a difference. I dont want to feel helpless and frustrated and most importantly I dont want to feel angry at myself for being a woman.. it took me a long time to make peace with myself for being a woman.. and I am still not fully there... but the moments like this, I have a strong urge to renounce my womanhood with the hope that it will make life safer and easier.. the question is, do I not deserve to feel safe in spite of being a woman, in spite of my gender, in spite of XX set of sex chromosomes in each cell of my body?

Trains

I enjoy the train rides... and there is a reason for that... first and foremost, trains connect me with my father who worked in Indian railways. He loved trains and I grew up listening to his passionate stories about trains. He saw trains as conduits connecting India, its people, its regions, its customs and its landscapes. He often compared train network to intricate network of blood vessels in human body. As a railway employee, we could avail discounts on train journeys in India, up to four times a year. But my parents could never really take leave together to be able to travel somewhere... so they started sending us (me and my younger brother) alone by train to far off places in India. Every place we went to, and on every route, my father's colleagues or friends used to drop by on the train to check on us. They often brought us food, fruits and chocolates and I learned how extensive  were the bonds of friendships nurtured by my father. Many of these friends who made efforts to meet me, had in fact just heard my father's voice on phone. I met more of his friends in person than him and I continued the tradition even after his death for a short while in India.

He did not drive the trains, he was a telephone operator working for Indian Railways out of Mumbai office. This telephone exchange is housed in beautiful old British building on Victoria Terminus Station in Mumbai. This building is now declared a world Heritage site. Walking into my dad's office, climbing those stairs with red carpets, looking at those massive paintings depicting history  of Indian railways from 1857 till date, and enjoying the rainbows reflecting through gigantic chandelier under the main dome of the building, I always felt as if I was entering an exotic world, a fairy land. I also loved going to the hospital where my mother worked as a nurse and that shaped my career choice to become a doctor but going to my dad's office fuelled my imagination and fantasies. He probably would have liked to see me as a medical officer in Railways, but that was not my dream... I was just happy to travel far and wide on the trains... and I did quite a lot of it.....

I started commuting by trains at age of 16 when I chose to study in a college in heart of Mumbai city. I live in a suburb, so had to spend at least 3 hours each day in local trains of Mumbai. Now local train ride in Mumbai is something that one just has to experience. 8 million people commute through this network every single day. Each train has special compartments exclusively for women and there are 2 trains during peak hours which are entirely for women.. they are called 'ladies specials'.. and trust me we have ample reasons why we need such separate ladies coaches.. I am grateful to that creative genius who started this system long time ago and I guess he was a man, all the more reason to respect his wisdom and vision.. I could never find this person's details but I owe him a big time for the safety and security this has provided working women in Mumbai. I have taken trains in Mumbai at midnight without fear. Unlike trains in developed world, the doors of Mumbai local trains do not close, so lot of people hang out of the train... every regular commuter has to learn a set of skill to have a safe train journeys. It involves how to jump into the train before train stops completely, how to get out of the train at the right moment, how to protect your bags and belongings, how to make sure that your feet do not get stamped by heels of the others and so on. Well you actually need to undergo training, and it takes a while.. getting in and out of the train at peak hours is a test of balance and control. If you are new, you will be either squeezed in a corner or you will be out of the train at station that is not your destination. You can easily make out if the person is indeed a seasoned traveller or  a newbie.

Large majority of people in Mumbai take the local trains as they are most efficient, affordable, pollution free, fastest means of commute, it is not the most comfortable one but it works.. and it gets you to your destination  with minimal delay... well your clothes might look as if you have just worn something out of a dryer, totally crumpled... but hey you get to places in time... that is most important in Mumbai, not your clothes... I travelled by these trains for another 6 years of my medical training and then few more years while working.. so I can say that I have a career of about 10 years when it comes to travelling on local trains in Mumbai and in the process I have learned few tricks of the trades, and accumulated few very special experiences like having to assist a woman on train who went into premature labour. You can buy fresh food, fruits, vegetables, clothes, household needs on the trains... it is indeed a life on wheel and especially in Mumbai it is aimed at making life of people as efficient as possible.. Mantra is to save time.. so for a woman on her train ride home, an hour means chance to buy vegetables, sometimes clean it through, think about what to cook for the evening and what else needs to be bought on the way home, time to connect with fellow women and friends. Yes if you are a regular commuter you often have your own circle of friends travelling with you, your train buddies... these are also your social support networks, you can easily find a woman crying in hard times with her fellow women, and you will also see celebrations and happy moments rejoiced together, you will hear recipes shared and advices sought... for an anthropologist, a woman's compartment in local train of Mumbai is a feminine subculture on the go... I was always fascinated by the activities that go on in that tiny train coach... and what huge impact it has on lives of these women... if I could get funds for my own research topic, studying culture on these trains would have been one of my top research interests.. but that has to wait..

I can write a book on local trains in Mumbai, it is truly special.. it is a hallmark of Mumbai life with all its flaws... and it has also been the easiest target for terrorist attacks. Time and again serial bomb blasts have shocked Mumbai local trains killing hundreds of innocent commuters, the ordinary people who make this mega city run... Mumbai gets paralysed when the local trains shut down and that happens every year in monsoon at least a couple of times when we get flooded... we have just learned to live with these facts of life... that heavy rains will knock out the train systems.. and there will be inconvenience but these are also the moments when city shows its true character, people helping each other, strangers offering a helping hand, no one is left alone... everyone tides over the crises together till Mumbai gets on her feet again.. and trains start running again... resilience is Mumbai's second name... and I love my city for this character... try and destroy Mumbai  either through man-made disasters or natural calamities, this city comes together as never before and regains her normal rhythm and routine in no time.

Same is true for long distance trains in India. If you want to see, feel, experience real India, take the train rides that too ordinary general compartments... spend 24 hours on the coach and see the country unfolding in front of your eyes, changing landscapes, changing air, changing language and dialects, changing aromas and colours, changing food and spices... in no time you will find yourself talking to a fellow passenger, life stories are shared on the journey along with the food... I have so many stories from such train rides in different parts of the country.... and I have made so many meaningful connections with people.. one thing that really bothers me on aeroplanes is lack of this human connection... I think once in the air, people tend to be more absorbed into themselves unlike the ones who are grounded with the running train... wonder what will it be like in terms of human connections to travel on water? I have never done that.. something to add to my bucket list... I have promised my professor of anthropology a long train ride in India... where I will be his personal guide... and I really hope one day we both can make this promise a reality...

Last three years, I have been taking trains in various European countries.. and I carry my father with me in my heart... I wish I could really share this experience with him in person.. he would have been curious like a child, a bit scared and nervous I guess, but he would have enjoyed every moment of these train journeys... It is impossible for me to board a train in a new country without thinking of my dad... the strange gray and orange Belgian trains, my favourite blue and yellow Dutch trains, the Italian and these days Swiss trains are my travel companions... Highlight of my train journeys this year was in Norway, especially the train ride from Bergen to Oslo, passing the fjords and mountains.... the blue waters and ice-capped mountains... train journeys give me time to reflect, to think and to connect with people, to smile and to relax... its a different kind of joy....and I cherish every moment of it..

I guess in the three years ahead I will travel through Switzerland extensively by train for sure.. I am amazed that Switzerland has 5000 kms of train network. I definitely want to experience their glacier express and other mountain trains. I am hopeful that I would be able to reach Milano through the huge tunnel construction that is currently underway, cutting down travel time between Switzerland and Italy... I am not so sure about the long tunnels though, they make my ears hurt  and I rather prefer to see the scenic landscapes instead of dark tunnel walls artificially illuminated... One thing that I wanted to do while living in the Netherlands was to take a Thalys from Amsterdam to Paris... I have not done that yet... Thalys always attracted my attention for her beak shaped engine and that roaring speed as compared to the Dutch trains.... yes trains for me are feminine.... may be while in Basel, I will take a train to Paris... dont know if that will be a Thalys or some other company... I also want to take a Eurostar and cross the channel tunnel..... I read about this tunnel in newspaper when I was a child and retained that newspaper cutting for a very long time... then came the train in China connecting Lhasa... the world's highest altitude train network... only concern I have in last train ride is about availability of vegetarian food.. I cant enjoy my train journey without my food... In few years time, I am hoping to take a train ride to Kashmir... with all those constructions going on, the high mountain bridges and Chenab roaring below in the valley.... It would be wonderful to bring rail networks into Kashmir, connecting it with the rest of the country.. like my father always imagined it to be...

There is no limit to my dreams and my bucket list continues to get heavy by each passing day... but I had a dream that will never get fulfilled... the promise that my father could not keep.... as a child, I wanted to travel in a train engine once.... to look through that front glass.... to marvel at the magic of running a train.... I guess, this dream needs to be put to rest.... as I dont see any possibility of that happening.... but that is fine... sometimes even unfulfilled dreams can warm your heart... and this one will definitely warm mine...

Note: I am attaching a link here for further read..'train yourself for mumbai locals'.. one of the pictures for this blog is from the same link.
http://know.burrp.com/my-city/train-yourself-for-mumbai-locals/8365

the other picture comes from another blogger and the link to that blog is
http://blog.zanilhyder.info/2009/11/mumbai-local-trains/

Chocolate

I just learned that one of my friends is allergic to chocolate... Woww... allergy to chocolate.. how do you live with that? I would be depressed if I am not able to eat chocolate... I cant imagine my life without chocolate... it is my inspiration, it is my joy, it is my hope, it is my antidepressant and it is also my way of indulging myself in good things in life...

Yup that is true, I often indulge myself in chocolate.... take me to a confectionery  and in-spite of all beautiful pieces of art, I am most likely to set my eyes on chocolate cake or pastry... in an Italian cafe, my drink of choice was always a hot chocolate, I can still smell and feel that thick creamy hot chocolate I used to get in Padova... compare it to boring chocomel in the Netherlands... how many times I have repented having ordered hot chocolate in the Netherlands... as a friend once reminded me... 'I am inviting a disaster for myself... Netherlands and chocolate do not go together'...... I have treated myself almost every alternate day with Belgian chocolate for three months when I lived in Leuven... I did not put on any weight because chocolate was the only thing that I was eating in those days... hoping that it would give me a serotonin boost... and what about those Churos in the open air market in Amsterdam with thick chocolate sauce on top of it... I have burnt my tongue many times just by being impatient... Winters in Amsterdam were special because Nuria used to make hot chocolate for me, thick and dark with a generous amount of cinnamon.... and how can I forget Mike and his amazing brownies... I have hogged them in each new year party that he threw...one of my favourite things to eat is fresh strawberries dipped in hot chocolate sauce... I actually had tears rolling down my face when I ate it for the first time... the tastes, the textures, the aromas and the way it made me feel... it was a life altering moment... on my graduation in Italy 2 years ago, Leen, a girlfriend in Leuven sent a box of Belgian chocolate with a postcard of a woman with the title 'Death by chocolate'.. I seriously die with chocolate and die with a big smile on my face.. that card always makes me smile... when Margreet baked a birthday cake for me, it was a two layered chocolate cake rich in dark chocolate... it was just amazing.. and the fun part was I could witness its process of making.. and I could eat as much I wanted to...... Only thing with chocolate that did not work well for me was a body lotion with strong chocolate fragrance to it.... it almost drove me nuts.. as every time I smelled myself.. I had urgent desire to binge on a chocolate....

The city where I grew up, is famous for its 'Dairy Milk' chocolate production plant... as a child, I remember going for walk around that area with my father at times when there will be definite tinge of chocolate in the air.. I used to sniff that air as much as I could just to absorb the chocolate in particle form...Fortunately our parents never stopped us from eating chocolate.. only condition was that we had to brush teeth... so  Cadbury's dairy milk, five-star, Kit-Kat, Eclairs.. I grew up with these... the problem was each chocolate had to be shared with everyone around me and I hated it.. for example a medium size bar of 'Cadury's dairy milk had 8 pieces in it, and if I had to share it equally, I got only 2 small pieces.. and they would just be gone... in no time. But that is all we could afford... I distinctly remember, the first time when I bought myself... the same bar of dairy milk... while in medical school... I was determined to eat it all by myself... I started opening the bar with racing heart...  I had tears as I bit into the bar... it was all mine, I did not have to share it with anyone.. but few more bites and I could not eat it any more.. It just did not feel the same... and then I realized it was as much about the tradition of sharing it as it was about its taste...

Entry of dark chocolate in my life is much recent, 2006 to be precise.. I was studying in Bangladesh.. One of our teachers was travelling to Europe and he asked us what we would like him to bring back for us.. I did not know how serious was the question but I screamed at top of my voice.. 'chocolate...' He came back with a box of 'Lindt's thin slabs with 70% Cacao exclusively for me... I still have the empty box at home.. I had never tasted chocolate like that.. it was bitter, it was different.. but it was nice and in no time I got hooked on to dark chocolate.. by then even in India, they started producing so called dark chocolate but it was far from real dark chocolate.. over last few years, I am seriously flirting with chocolate.. chocolate with chillies, chocolate with orange, different pralines and truffles, chocolate with liquors.. I have been game to try it all...I also learned over time what I like and what I don't when it comes to chocolate... I don't like milk chocolate that much.. but I definitely don't like nuts in my chocolate.. for me chocolate has to be smooth, no crunchy things in it.. it just has to melt in mouth... and not need some nut cracking...

and as life would have it, now I live in Switzerland, the chocolate land... I can indulge in the best of chocolates as much as I want... chocolate is all around me and I am on a serious chocolate tasting drive while I am here.. I read a lot about chocolate production in Switzerland... and I eat a lot of chocolate... I may not have fresh vegetables in my refrigerator all the time but I definitely have some sort of chocolate or the other in my kitchen... My friends in Switzerland are fuelling this passion of mine each day... recommending different chocolates, sharing their personal favourites and sometimes just bringing the chocolate extravaganza straight into my life... within the first month of my stay in Switzerland, I was ceremoniously introduced to fabulous Sprüngli chocolates, truffles and Luxumburgerli...., another Swiss celebrity was kind enough to share a few special chocolate miracles from his box of Vollenweider chocolate, I proudly retain the empty box of that chocolate now.. and someday will definitely indulge more of those.. even their website is killing.. with all that chocolate art..check it out (http://www.vollenweiderchocolatier.ch/).  I am experimenting with a variety of Lindt..  at the moment, I am eating a lot of their Lindors.. these are my favourites for the season.. I have bought these in loads as presents for my friends outside Switzerland... and soon I will have bags full of Swiss chocolate as I fly home to India... while studying chocolate industry in Switzerland, I recently learned that Cailler is the only Swiss chocolate which uses real milk while making their milk chocolate, all others use condensed powdered milk instead... on a locally conducted study of blind tasting of swiss chocolates by both Swiss and Expatriates, it was Cailler that made it to the top.... interesting, I thought.. so for the days ahead, I have set my eyes on tasting Cailler... the good news with Cailler is that they also have guided tours of their chocolate production plant.. I guess I will go insane if I go there now.. I just need to eat some more chocolate, get bored with it a bit and then I will go and visit the production plant...

As I am raving about chocolate while writing this post, I have eaten 'P' of dark chocolate... something that I got from Sinterklaas... I am so glad, I am not allergic to chocolate.. otherwise my life would have been sad and boring.... who knows I might dream of chocolate tonight.. provided I manage to sleep.. as craving for chocolate is quite capable of keeping me awake... all night through...

signing off for the moment from chocolate wonderland.... but don't forget to tell me about your favourite chocolate... and why is it your favourite...enjoy the chocolate... and I will do the same...

Drops

This morning when I got this prompt, it took me back in time.. the period from 2003 to 2005 to be precise.. During this period, I worked for Polio Eradication Program which is a joint venture of World Health Organization and Government of India. The slogan of our nationwide mass vaccination program with oral polio vaccine was 'Two drops of life', 'दो बुंद जिंदगीकी '.

For most people in the western world today, Polio probably doest strike a bell.. but it was not so far ago, that we actually had epidemics of polio killing many people and disabling the survivors for the life time. In the museum of Centres for disease control in Atlanta, one can see the pictorial journey of Polio and mankind's battle against it. The most striking image for me has been the one of rows and rows of iron lungs... the only treatment possibility then where pressure chambers famously called 'Iron Lungs' assisted patients to breath when polio paralysed their respiratory muscles. We have President Franklin Roosevelt and his famous 'march of dimes' where the general public in US contributed dimes which were eventually used for research on vaccines against polio. And then we have beautiful work of fiction 'Nemesis' by Philip Roth, set in the summer of 1944 when major epidemic of polio claiming lives of many children and inducing panic in the community. Roth has elegantly used the backdrop of polio to narrate the struggles of his protagonist, a sports teacher, a firm believer that children need to play outdoors, when he himself turns out to be the carrier of the deadly virus thus endangering the lives of children around him...

This assignment on polio eradication program in rural India was my first work assignment in the field of public health. There is only one disease in the history of mankind that has been eradicated.. that is small pox and this historic moment happened even before I was born.. but I am proud to say that I have played a tiny part in fighting the battle against polio, with hundreds and thousands of polio eradicators around the world. A disease eradication is an ambitious project with loads of money, manpower and other resources at stake.. we have come a long way in India since 1997, when this program was officially launched with the goal of eradicating polio. But the fight is still on in few other countries around the world.. and no one is safe till the last virus has been knocked out...

Two drops of life campaign in India basically referred to the fact that you could influence a life of a child towards health and free of paralysis and disability by giving two drops of oral polio vaccine at defined moments in time. The idea is to cover all the children below five years of age with the vaccine drops at the same moment, so that the wild or infectious virus cannot find a child to infect. We have millions of lay vaccinators, men and women, old and young, from all walks of life going door to door in each village, each city, each transport hub, train stations, airports, bus stations, public parks, cinemas, on the dumping grounds, in the slums, in high-rise urban settings, in the farms and fields, on the islands in the middle of the rivers.. giving children two drops of oral polio vaccine. If even one child remains unvaccinated, there is a risk that virus will establish infection in that area...The vaccine has to be stored cold, otherwise it looses its effect.. and I am proud to say how these disease fighters on the ground have risked themselves in scorching heat of 45 degree Celsius  sometimes walking 12 kilometers with the vaccine in ice box to reach a small village where there was no other transport option available except walking. Only driving force for them has been immense dedication and firm belief in the cause of global polio eradication. They hardly got paid for this work... but that never pushed them to do a half hearted job. Many vaccinators have risked their lives in this endeavour, survived the floods and freezing colds, have been hit by strokes of lightning and have been bitten by snakes.. but the polio vaccination drive continued.. The effects of this immense hard work and dedication are now visible. For the year 2012 in India,  in-spite of very strict and rigorous surveillance, which is careful look out for any suspicious case that might be due to polio, we have not been able to confirm a real case of polio. This is a huge achievement in itself. If we manage to maintain same level of mass vaccination in the community along with continued surveillance of suspected cases for three consecutive years, India will be certified 'Polio free' which is the first step towards polio eradication..

This opportunity transformed my personal life. It took me closer to the masses in my country, particularly poor rural parts of India.. It showed me what real India looks like. It gave me a closer insight into lives of those thousands of men and women who had to make very difficult life choices all the time.. this assignment made me realize the limitations of my training in medicine when it comes to addressing public health issues. I learned to listen to the communities, I learned to understand their concerns. It pushed me to be creative in extremely resource poor settings and it also taught me that the best solutions to the problems often come from the people themselves.... I truly understood what public health means, health interventions at community level for the people, by the people and with the people. This assignment in four different provinces of India, gave me first lessons in cultural sensitivity and acceptance. I learned local languages to be able to better communicate with the people. I learned local traditions, how to dress, how to speak so that I will be accepted in the community, so that women will trust me with the health of their young children, so that women will see me as one of their fellow sisters and openly tell me about their concerns.

I gave three years of my life for this cause but the community gave me more in return... they cared for me, they protected me in scary and dangerous situations. They offered me food when they had hardly anything to eat for themselves and a place to sleep when I got stuck in far off villages. They seriously got concerned about me not having a husband and family and even tried to find a husband for me. It just showed me that these communities trusted me... and without that trust, I would not have been able to make any difference in the situation. I ran a office of about 25 men in a highly male dominated state of India.. but this experience taught me that as long as I could set an example through my own actions and dedication towards my work, my gender did not make me weak or any less than my men colleagues. I realized that I had strong leadership skills, I could inspire my team, I could take them all with me to achieve a larger goal.. The bond between me and my staff remains rock solid even today after 7 years. I still get their phone calls and every significant news in their lives.. the challenges at work were humongous and for the first time in my life I realized the metal I was made up off.. this assignment brought the best out of me.. and it paved the path for the first big switch in my career from clinical medicine to public health....

I have not been back to the districts where I worked in those three years.. I hope some day soon, I will revisit these places, be with my staff, travel to those villages again..  will the people in the community recognize me? I wonder... will I recognize the kids that I have cared for..... they have grown at least by 5 years... I dont know when will I be able to visit... but I really hope I will some day.. go back to those roots of mine... and relive those moments.... we will see..

Dinner with my dad..

Today is my dad's 63rd birthday. He was on my mind all day long. I kept wondering how could I communicate with him? How could I spend some time with him? He died in 2005. It is seven years now. So much has changed in my life in last seven years.. so much has changed in my family..

I often feel guilty that I was not there for my father when he needed me, that I did not make enough efforts to understand him.That I took him for granted and I never really accepted him just the way he was with all his strengths and weaknesses. It took me his sudden death to realize what an important aspect of my life he has been. It took me many years to begin to see his strengths, most of which I often misunderstood as his weaknesses. It took me years to realize how similar I am to my father and how closely connected are our struggles in life.

There is nothing much I can do about it. It is gone.. he is gone.. all I have is this moment, the present.. and I just don't want to make the same mistakes again, i.e. taking life and people in my life for granted.. that they will be there with me tomorrow, day after, a year after, a decade after..... you never know when  you loose someone so important for you in a fraction of second.. you waved goodbye to him at the airport and took off only to return to a home without him..

So I decided to invite my dad for dinner with me this evening. It has been years that we have not shared a meal, just the two of us. I feel I have a lot to talk to him about, to share with him, to ask for his opinions and to listen to his story. I cooked simple meal, the dishes that he truly loved. He had such minimal needs.. he was happy and satisfied with whatever he had and always showed immense gratitude for having his family around. He ate everything that would come on his plate with great pleasure.. and cooking for him was such a joy because of the way he would appreciate the food and the person preparing the food... 'अन्नदाता सुखी भव ' 'may the provider of the food be blessed' he would say before each meal... and look at my mother with a loving gaze... she was his metaphorical 'provider of food' and in truest sense 'provider of life'.... that moment over food has been immortalized in my memory... that was also one of those rare moments when my parents would express their love for each other.. in a very symbolic way.. no hand holding, no physical contact, just that gaze.. and that said it all... subtle but reaching the souls..

What would I talk to my father on the dinner table? I guess I wont waste time on giving him updates on my life.. I am sure he knows it all even better than I do... I have to prioratize two issues to talk about... and to make it simple I chose one thing that I owe my dad and the other struggle that I share with him.. so dad, are you ready?

My dad taught me how to connect with people in meaningful way... he was so good in building relationships and maintaining them. He was always there for people around him, sometimes putting himself and in his family in a compromised state. He would run to support anyone that would ask for help... he had friends in diverse walks of life.. from university professors to local auto-rickshaw drivers.. people's profile, education, social status, caste, religion, wealth, nothing came in his way... he was जगन्मित्र .. the one who is friends with the whole world... in-spite of his flawed life which was considered as a wasted life in my community, even today I meet people talking about him in a very respectful and loving way.. how did he do that? What was his secret? Was it his compassion? Was it his innate personal warmth? Was it the biggest vacuum in his heart that his own family did not accept him and hence he tried to create his own family outside? Was he searching for unconditional love and acceptance that we failed to give him? He started giving his unconditional love and acceptance to everyone around him, hoping that some day he would also receive the same unconditional love and acceptance.. unfortunately he did not.. at least not till his death.. he remained that 'looser', the one who destroyed his beautiful life down the glass of alcohol... he died never hearing from his children that they loved him... but he heard enough criticism from them all along.... I am not romanticizing his alcohol addiction.. i will never be able to fully forgive him for all the hardships that his addiction put on our lives.. but I am also aware that I as his daughter failed miserably to see him beyond that alcohol problem...to reach the root cause of this problem, to  help him recover from his struggle...

Alcohol addiction was probably just the tip of the iceberg in his case.... now when I look back at his life and reflect on my own, I realize his biggest challenge was to express his emotions... his pain, his disappointment, his despair.... the struggle that I share with him... Not being able to express the pain, he took it all in.. not knowing how to deal with it, he drowned himself in alcohol... he used to cry a lot... I remember his eyes overflowing with tears... all through my childhood... I hated it... I wanted my dad to be strong man.. a man who could protect me... I hated him... and I hated those tears... without realizing how much actually I loved him... and how much I wanted him to feel better.. but I failed... I only gave him pain while he was still alive... I did not want to depend on him, I did not want to depend on any man... as if my dad had failed me some how.. I rejected him, i refused him love, respect, honour..... only person I could take all my anger, disappointment, pain, anguish out was my dad... he took it all... never stopped me... he knew how hard it was for me to take it out... and if he would not take it, who will? He listened to my emotional outbursts silently... without judging me.. without getting angry at me... he just stood there in front of me... rock solid.. it must have been hard to hear your daughter yell at you how much she hates you... and I thought he was weak... I never wanted to cry like him.. and then suddenly one day he died... and with that I lost my ability to cry... I could not cry for him.. I did not cry for him.. I became numb... I swallowed my own tears... I swallowed all my emotions, I swallowed all my anger, pain and disappointment... .. I wanted to be so strong that no emotions could melt me down.. and in the process I became a strange person who only could think but not feel much...thinking, rationalizing became dominant jargon of my life as feelings and emotions were locked away... the key thrown into a deep ocean....

Dad, help me feel the pain ... teach me how to deal with it in a healthier way... I am sure you know it by now... and I really need to learn this... please teach me... I am begging you for this... Dad, please forgive me... I am really sorry that I never told you how much I love you... and what you mean in my life... I am truly sorry about it... I really need to connect with you and consequently with me and all my emotions and live a balanced, normal life... This inability of mine to trust myself and life around me is harming me already in significant ways.. this tendency to choke myself with all inwardly turned negative emotions is destroying me each day..... help me learn to live.. fully and freely....help me sleep peacefully... be my guardian angel... on this path dad, I seriously need you there... to hold my hand as I take first steps on this path.... I need you... in truest sense.. and I trust you will be by my side on this journey...  you always said that I never asked you for anything... today I am asking you to teach me how to live... and that is my birthday gift for you... Happy birthday dad....

Home country

I am born and raised in India and I hold an Indian passport. All my ancestors, forefathers as far as I know have been Indians. So that makes me an Indian and that automatically makes India my home country. But what does that really mean? I have always enjoyed social science debates on citizenship, nationality, race and ethnicity...and how all of these are more or less social constructions... causing enough political and social struggles... I also have friends who claim themselves to be Europeans...This is just an extremely complicated example of one such friend... but I love this one....  'My mom is Scottish, my father is French.  My maternal ancestors were actually Sami descendent ..I was born in Italy but I have lived most of my life in Germany and now I am in Switzerland....  '... bingo... I always wonder.. how does she define her home-country?  Does it depend on what passport she holds? and what if she has two passports? Even interesting question is if passport can automatically make a nation state someone's home country?

Then I look at myself.... I don't have such complicated lineage... I don't think till my generation, any one in my family even married someone from other state of India, speaking another Indian language... and I have spend longest time of my life in India... so I should not have any difficulties in answering my home-country... it is simple and straight forward... India...

But is it really that simple? Yes for all practical, political, social, logical reasons, India is my home-country...I look Indian, I speak many Indian languages, I am most closely acquainted with Indian culture, history, way of life, literature, tradition and systems and I can cook only Indian food. I am also grateful for the fact that everywhere outside India, I am perceived as an Indian and with that generally people have respectful and curious outlook towards me. But I must admit, this is just part of me... I am more than my nationality and my citizenship and I have hard time to figure  out where is my home and what is my country?

I am convinced that there are many people around this world who have similar struggles of identity. My struggles are not because of some wars or conflicts that made me flee my country. No there is nothing as dramatic. I am also well aware of the struggles of millions of refugees and asylum seekers who had no choice but to escape their countries and find a safe refuge. But even in most mundane yet safe everyday life, many of us feel out of place in our own place.. and totally at home in some foreign land. why does that happen?

many cultures around the world share this saying.. 'home is where the heart is'. Can we say the same thing about our countries? I guess home country in some way gives you a sense of belonging.. you feel at home there, you have your sense of support there.. you understand the system around you... you feel more or less you fit in there... but still the question remains... does it have to be one country or it could be many countries? Could this feeling change over time or it remains constant all the while? It almost sounds as if we have to be loyal to one home country as we might be expected in a loyal monogamous relationship.. but my guess is just like in relationships, most of us struggle with their relationship with their home-country.. at least I do...

In today's globalized world, with ample opportunities for migration and immigration, high-speed transport and mobility systems, different communication modalities, our everyday life has undergone drastic changes. Family which was once upon time the strongest support system for individuals, is slowly getting replaced by other support systems including friendships and new forms of kinships. The world has come closer and many identify themselves more as global citizens... I definitely relate to that concept.. I am more than just an Indian... I have soaked myself in life in many different countries, I have felt at home in every country that I have been to. My circle of friends is spread around the world and so are my concerns... a war in Gaza feels as worrisome as a conflict in Kashmir... an earthquake in Lima shocks me as hard as a typhoon in Philippines. A writer from Bosnia is as influential on me as an activist from Rwanda... celebrations and losses and my own connection with  it all have definitely grown beyond the political borders of India... this whole world is my oyster.. and I do not like to be restricted to one nation, one region, one community, one religion, one race or one ethnicity... I am more than that....and the opportunity to live in this global village defintely makes my life interesting...

But there is also a flip side to it... it feels as if I have been carrying my home on my back for way too long like a snail. I might be included and integrated in different cultures, in the process I have also got excluded from my own culture.. In India, I am never enough of an Indian and outside I cant be anything but an Indian. I am at home everywhere but I belong no where... in some ways I am stuck in the middle.... ready to drift with the next big influence... I wish some day... I will find my anchor... I will truly feel being rooted somewhere... for whatever reasons, family, career, freedom, sense of belonging... I dont know what that will be... I want to root myself deep... in such a way that.. no matter where I get rooted.. I feel strong and I can be me...

I have friends who have gone around the world in search of something or wanting to escape certain pressures.. and then eventually realized that if they wanted they could have lived a life of their choice in any one place.. including their home-land only if they would have shown the courage to live on their own terms and conditions... the moment that happened, they made peace with themselves and their home lands... I just hope, some day I will also reach that stage of realization.... till then, I will keep wondering about where do I belong? Where is my home? Where are my roots? and what is my home-country?

Enlightenment

Yup... that is my prompt for the day.. and I have no clue what I am going to write about.... enlightenment.... hmmmmm

Where to begin.. may be with google search? Is it not our new tool or path towards enlightenment in today's world.... ?

well Google enlightens me on enlightenment as follow... 

• an act or means of enlightening... or
• in Hindusim or Buddhism...it is defined as a blessed state in which the individual transcends desire and suffering and attains Nirvana.
• or it can also refer to the philosophical movement in 18th century which emphasized on use of reasoning and brought about many humanitarian reforms... 

wow.. I cant write about any of this...  

My friend told me I could play around the word in case I get stuck.. I think I have to go along that line... 

so if I define enlightenment as a state where I feel lighter.. what could be possible scenarios or triggers for that.... ?

A glass of wine definitely does that wonder... so does good food... I mean it fills my stomach with food but it makes my soul lighter.. I can almost float in an imaginary world over good culinary experiences, as a great chocolate, a fabulous gelato, spicy street food, or just a real tasty and perfectly ripe mango, Papaya or Litchi melts on my tongue... 

Fragrances make me lighter too... particularly floral ones and the ones with spices... my favourite is the one with pepper.. no doubt I smell of the strong spice all day long.. but I find this fragrance particularly refreshing and enlightening.. and yes not to forget  all the citron based fragrances....I am just beginning to flirt with perfumes and fragrances, since my friend started training to be a perfumer in Paris.. 

what else? Sometimes good music makes me feel lighter.. and believe it or not.. it can make me dance in my kitchen... those are special moments, rare but none the less very special.... I also love the feeling when I am on the dance floor dancing tango with close friends... these are those incredible moments when I can truly follow my partner with my eyes closed, when I can communicate and coordinate with my parter without a word... and most important, when my head takes a complete break.. I am not thinking at all.. I am only following... swirling and moving... floating around, feeling myself, feeling my partner and feeling the ground under my feet, feeling each movement, feeling each beat of music... I am one with myself and my body... I am one with the music.. and I am truly connected with my soul.... the problem is I am so afraid of making mistakes while dancing tango, that I rarely dance... and I dance with just a select friends who know how to lead me.. guys, you have to visit me in Basel.. I want to tango... 

Being playful in water makes me lighter too... even though I have a very careful relationship with water... I wont say I am afraid of water.. I just keep my respectful distance.... 

Being on a turbulent flight makes me feel light as a feather... I have stupid grin on my face in such moments when everyone else tend to clinch their eyes closed and hold on to their chairs.. but in general, every time I take flights, I feel much lighter... I used to joke that flying to places is my best antidepressant after good food.... 

Blowing soap bubbles in the air and watching the rainbow colours on their thin soap film definitely tops the list of triggers for feeling lighter... so does walking barefoot on soft grass covered with early morning dew... feeling a flower on my cheek or arm... also makes wonders... I guess soft gentle tactile stimuli in various forms definitely make me feel lighter... 

so it seems many sensory stimuli have capacity to enlighten me... what else?

If I focus on the word light as in a stream of high energy photons, how can I play with that?

I definitely love bright sunshine.. bright not hot... I complain about it all the time when I am in India... it should be bright but the temperature should not exceed 20 degree Celsius .. I love the feel of warm sunshine penetrating through the skin... and in winters in Amsterdam, I often used to play the game 'Chase the sun'... it was not always easy to chase him through those narrow Amsterdam lanes and canals.. but it was a great fun for sure... 

what kind of light do I like? I guess the soft, gentle light, something like a tiny oil lamp or a candle burning slowly and filling up the room with its own warm, yellow, orange glow... Lights, particularly traditional oil lamps which are used in India are my favourite... and that is what I like the most about Diwali, the festival of light... that helps me tide over other things about Diwali which I cant stand... 

I think I began to appreciate light in life when I moved to Europe three years ago... especially during winter.. when you hardly have light... I have never been far north in Scandinavia in the winter.. but I guess, there it must be even stronger realization... When the cities start getting decorated with thousands of different kinds of lights in public spaces, market squares, train stations I know winter is around the corner... I particularly like the street lighting in the shape of snow flake with white light... may be because it brings both light and snow flake together.... 

When I suddenly started feeling low and depressed in winter of 2009 for no obvious reason, I could not understand what was wrong... only later I understood relationship between human emotions and exposure to light... and then all the medicine and epidemiology fell in place... I need light to feel lighter for sure.... 

talking about lights and enlightenment.. I suddenly remembered one of my long cherished dreams.... realizing this dream will definitely make me feel enlightened... I want to witness and experience the beauty, mystery and magic of both the southern and the northern lights before I die.... 

What makes you feel enlightened? Trust me it is a good point to ponder about... 

I am signing of feeling slightly enlightened... without my glass of wine... but just dreaming about Aurora Borealis and aurora Australis.... 

Good night friends...

Green

Last night I guess I took my emotional turmoil  to bed with me... last thoughts lingering on my mind were regarding feelings and emotions and how do I learn to express them.. how do I prioritize and stand up strong for my own emotions and feelings as well and not keep them to myself because I believe emotions and feelings of others around me are more important than mine... I basically had devised a perfect recipe for yet another sleepless night...

A friend of mine recently made me see the connection between the heart chakra and the colour green.. the colour that has been predominant in my recent life...I was thinking of green in all other aspects, for its symbolic meaning of rejuvenation, creation of life, abundance, soothing character and calming effect but I had not linked it with emotions yet... and over last four days I am increasingly compelled to reflect on connection between green and my emotions....

Two colours that are really overpowering me in these months are blue and green, most of the times, they start as two distinct entities and slowly just merge into each other and at some other moments they start as one entity and then slowly separate and take their own shape and colour... I see these two colours often in front of my closed eyes when I am really one with myself in my body and soul... and there are shades to it.. from deep turquoise blue to ocean green....sky blue to Prussian blue.. from dull and mossy olive green to bright parrot green... so it seems I am really experiencing deep connection with my heart chakra and throat chakra... the seat for emotions and the seat for expression... there it is.. something that I have to learn.... expressing my emotions and feelings...

The question I was pondering about all night long yesterday was as follows. Do I have difficulty to express all my emotions or a select few? I traversed back in time as far as I could go to see where it began... it was like watching my own life unfolding in front of my eyes again... moments of joy and despair, lightness and extreme pain.... I could let the tears flow out freely... I was alone so did not have to fear about affecting others... I could feel the cold all over me, all around me, all inside me going to the core... but then I noticed something about myself....

I think I have less difficulty in expressing positive emotions... joy, happiness, inspiration, excitement, amusement, hope, gratitude, awe, love, serenity... I really think these I can express much easily... without even having to make conscious efforts... they just overflow out of me once I am filled with them....

but my real struggle is with the negative emotions.... anger, disappointment, fear, loneliness, rejection, pain, anguish, sadness, remorse, guilt, self-blame... and so on... it is interesting that even to name positive and negative emotions is not so clear-cut.. the words that come to my mind are actually objectives and verbs...

I definitely cant express these negative emotions in a constructive way.. I swallow them inside...keep them locked in... assuming that it makes it safer... for the outside world.. I hate conflict and one thing I really need to learn is how to fight right for my own sake.... I am afraid of fights.. really afraid... I can sense impending fight, argument, conflict way ahead in time and my whole body starts shaking.. all I want to do is to get out of that place as quickly as possible... even if it affects me adversely... so over years, there have been so many experiences that have triggered all these emotions in me, but rather than expressing them out, I have taken them inside...and basically destroyed myself... for two reasons... I never learned how to resolve these issues and I just don't have skills or confidence to stand up for myself.... on emotional grounds... the moment I see, someone else is in more emotional struggles than me, I immediately tell myself.. 'shut close your heart which is trying to leak out your own pain too.. you should not bring your own emotions on table to make this all even more complicated... rather try and support the others... give them all love you can, all hope you can, all warmth you can... may be this will eventually take away your own coldness, pain, fear, sense of loss.... and if you cant do this.. get out of the place as quickly as you can.... ' that is how I have lived.. or learned to live... all my life... if I cant bring joy to the world...I withdraw and stay in my cocoon... I cry silently as much as I want... and yes I cry a lot when I am all alone on my own.. but I guess it will take an unprecedented situation for me to break into tears openly...there are very few people around me who have actually seen me cry my heart out... for some reasons, I believe that my emotions are not as important as emotions of others around me, particularly when they are negative emotions...I take them in...as if that is where they belong....

I dont know why I have come to believe that I am not as important as others.. and so are my emotions and feelings... I have always given my entire self to my loved ones, my friends and family but rarely dared to ask for love and emotional support.... to give is so easy... sometimes I just give more than I have... and there is no struggle with that.. but to receive is so hard... that I don't even dare to get in a situation where I might be at the receiving end of emotional strength and support... I guess I really need to develop a healthy ego... to care for myself, to love myself, to nurture and pamper myself.... I have to speak my heart out, I have to learn to voice my pain, my despair, my disappointment, my anger, my sense of being lost and being out of place... I need to dare to make a small opening in my heart to let the accumulated pain out.... not in written words,.. but in spoken words... yes rivers and forests have witnessed my pain and have been my silent partners in the process...but I have to move beyond these safe parters who I believe are unlikely to get affected adversely by my own expression of emotions...who knows may be even rivers and trees cry their silent tears just like me....  I have to risk by trusting other humans that my pain and suffering is not going to drive them away from me.... I dont want to be abandoned yet again... without a trace .... I cant face it.... I dont have strength to face it...

So I have two choices.. go on the way I have till now... or dare to risk.. knowing very well that I might eventually land up being all alone again simply because I chose to risk....... and to be honest, at this moment I dont know which way I am going to walk....we will see...