This morning when I read the prompt of the day, I smiled at myself. That was a very special and meaningful smile reminding me how badly I needed to reflect on my personality being different and learn to see and accept the beauty that lies hidden under those differences. Thank you for this prompt. Last few months, I have been extremely hard on myself for not being able to achieve an important transition of human life. Marriage. I felt I lacked something that was very important to be like all other girlfriends of mine, who are married and are raising children and balancing the professional and personal life so beautifully. I know their life is tough but I also want to have that family life and balance it with my work. I still want to experience the feeling of being with someone and raising a family with him. But when I grew cold feet at the most decisive moment, I nosedived into hopelessness, nothingness and self-doubt.
So starting with that, my first difference is that I am single at 31 because i did not feel confident to get married. In marriage context back home, the best description for me will be highly qualified, career oriented, self made over aged woman. I am ambitious, I know what I want in life. I have clear boundaries when and to what extent I can compromise but when I need to put my foot down and stand by what I believe even if it means that I might be left alone guarding my position. Power or money can not buy my loyalty. I am not afraid to raise my voice. I have strong opinions about most of the things but I am open to discuss and argue and I do change my opinion if one can convince me theirs is better argument than mine.
I am fiercely independent and I have been so since my childhood. I have accomplished many things that could be seen as a big milestones but with each step up, I find myself increasingly lonely and isolated. I am passionate about my work which has primarily been in Public Health. I have traveled to so many places for work against travel advisories and rules. I have survived curphews and social unrest in my work life in northeast of India but these challenges made me want to do it even more. I wanted to face it head on as I could not see how we can turn a blind eye to the suffering of our fellow beings. I dream of working in Afghanistan and as a school friend of mine once said, 'I sniff for dangerous places to be in and then I make sure I get to work there'.
I do not fuss about how I look, how I dress. I am not into elaborate romantic dates or fancy restaurants but one to one conversation about something thought provoking is enough for me to feel alive. I easily get bored in artificial environments. I cant put fake smile and pretend i am happy. My face reveals how I feel so easily that sometimes I get in deep trouble. I do not have champaign tastes. I am happy with simple vegetarian food and in fact fancy places make me a bit uncomfortable as I feel I am a misfit there.
I hate money being wasted under whatever justification, I cant stand double standards. I do not like people who use words without meaning even one single word out of it, whether on political level or personal level. I can talk passionately about many aspects of my work life about HIV, sexuality, female foeticide, inequality in access to health care and gender differences which are present all around me. I am not a radical activist but I do feel that sometimes activism is required to bring out a change.
I love travelling and when I travel I try and mingle with the local life. I absorb as much of the place and the people as I can. I have not been in one place for last eight years. The fact that I am constantly on move gives me a reason to live, explore and experience life. Idea of travelling to polar regions or Bolivian altiplano can literally infuse me with new energy for life. I am a crazy dreamer and I have made most of my dreams come true. The trouble is, ten more dreams are conceived in my mind as i fulfill one and there goes the gypsy all over again.
Wherever I go, I make wonderful friends in all age groups but I get along best with people much older to me. My friends are my biggest strengths and I go out of my ways to be with them in toughest times. As a friend, one would hardly expect me to be by their side in the happy moments, but I am always there when they are in the rough waters. My friends can totally depend on me. Their secrets are protected with all my might.
I am passionate about movies and I dream of being a movie maker someday and these dreams are endless. I want to be so many different things, be in so many different place in the same life that sometime my life tires out people around me. I try and organize every aspect of my life, I am a bit obsessed about doing everything perfectly and efficiently. I dont accept 'this is our culture/tradition' justification for everything that you dont want to change.
I value financial stability and good financial planning. I prefer honest and open communication rather than nodding head in agreement when you dont really believe in it. I find myself in a tricky situation, if people around me are reluctant to make certain difficult decisions or to take a crucial stand. I cant completely accept 'why care about tomorrow, lets fully live in today' approach to life. I beleive nothing comes your way just because you deserve it but you have to work towards it. That is when I got my second nick name.. 'control freak/ obsessive planner'. Well, if one can convince me that things will automatically fall in right place without you doing anything about it, I am curious to understand that point of view.
I have a brilliant smile, I think my smile can really light up the life around me. Trouble is I need to feel completely at peace and only then I can experience and express that dazzling smile. My friends who have experienced those moments will vouch for this. I have child like excitement and curiosity about life. I do not like any limits put on to me by the others or being restricted or treated differently just because i am a woman in both professional and personal life. I want to try different things even when there may not seem any immediate relevance and I want to learn all my life. These days I am called a 'professional student'.
These are my differences to which many got attracted over last few years but none could completely accept this 'beautifully different' me. In fact the same differences to which they got attracted in first place became my biggest faults later on. She is too strong, too independent, it is hard to live with someone like that. The question for me now is, do I want to give away these differences which actually make me who I am just so that someone will accept me (i hardly will be real me then) or I should remain 'beautifully different' even if it means being unattached most of the times. I hope there is a middle answer somewhere just like my hope that someday i will find a way to strike a balance between meaningful work and raising a healthy family.
Thats me 'beautifully different' sowing seeds to yet another dream.......
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