December 1 - One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
My word for the year 2010 is fear. Yes that is the best word to describe how I spent the year in absolute fear of various kinds.
January: I was afraid to say goodbye to him after having spent lovely Christmas and new year together. The fear became more intense when there was a complete silence on his side for almost 10 days after returning to India. Somehow we regained our communication and I accepted his proposal on his birthday. I had accepted something that I was most afraid about, the prospects of getting married and he knew about it all along how scared I am to think of marriage but I felt confident that with him by my side, I will be able to overcome my fears.
February and March: I was afraid of my thesis and whether I will be able to do justice to what I was undertaking. I had fear that I wont feel as happy as I was in Amsterdam on returning to India. I could see I had changed significantly in mere few months and I was not sure how will I cope with again another transition in my life. I have been constantly on move since 2003 to various states within India and abroad. I do not really know what it means to settle done in one place and marriage somehow also implied settling down in one place. I was scared that I am going to be a terrible wife, someone focussed too much on her individuality and career and following her dreams.
April: I was determined to settle down so I started looking for jobs in India. No vacancy sounded interesting enough even to apply. But I needed a job urgently. I had a loan on my apartment back home and I had taken a year away from work to study. It practically meant I had no income but had financial responsibility. I am too independent a person, thought of being financially dependent even on my future husband was good enough reason to scare me.
May, June: I flew home to carry out field work for my thesis. To understand what it means to be married for elderly Indian women. How stupid I was to think that conducting research in this topic will make me feel more confident to get married. The stories I heard were mostly so painful that I started doubting whether I was doing a right thing to get married. I got another scholarship to study for 9 months in Europe and I could not say No to it. In fact that seemed like my lifeline not to be drowned in the family and societal expectations of being a married woman. Selfish woman was ready to come back and study immediately after marriage. My marriage was planned in August 2010 between the two programs. The families went over their heads in excitement planning the big 'traditional Indian wedding' in spite of my constant expressions of fears and not wanting such an elaborate wedding and preference for small very private affair. I was told that this is where the happiness of everyone lies and it was my duty to give the parents the happiness they deserve. I started chocking with suffocation, fears, nervousness but no one including my mother could see it all in the excitement that her daughter finally agreed to marry. I felt no one understood my fears, including him. They blamed it all on my research interviews and i withdrew myself into shell even more. I dreaded those 2 months back home when at one end I was listening to women telling their most private stories within marriage and the other end my family making big plans for my marriage in spite of seeing me feeling more and more lost, unhappy and in despair. I still did not have courage to take a stand and say no. I wanted to make everyone happy even if it meant I was terribly unhappy. Is this not what my women told me in those interviews? To make a marriage work, woman should have low expectations, should be ready for extreme compromises, should prioritize the family over the self and should demonstrate acceptance in every walk of life. I knew for sure I had none of these qualities but I was soon going to get married. I was the happiest on the evening when I flew out of Mumbai to Amsterdam. I so wanted to take refuge in my tiny apartment in meer en vaart where I could finally be myself.
July: It was time to write my thesis, I was listening to my audiotaped interviews and was analyzing the themes in it. All the courage I had put together all this while, fell apart and I went into a phase of deep depression. I could not work on my thesis anymore. I was scared I wont be able to complete my thesis and I wont graduate on time. I have never failed in my academic life uptill now but this time I was sure this is what I was destined to get into. I hoped he would understand my situation and help me come out of this black hole but it felt as if he moved further away. Our communication became less and less frequent and very impersonal. All i got to hear about is the progress of the wedding arrangements. I knew I was completely alone and no one really understood me. I spent sleepless nights weeks after weeks, fearing that I was failing not only in my studies but also in personal life. Was I not suppose to feel very excited and happy about getting married? Why was i feeling so skeptical and disillusioned even before getting married? All my fears of failing in marriage engulfed me further and pushed me down into the black hole. Nuria was the only one I could talk to but we all were struggling with our thesis work. I felt he was changed completely and may be he felt the same too. Where was the energetic, happy, strong woman he fell in love with? Here was a woman who was beyond recognition, depressed, bitten, negative, scared, unsure with her self-esteem gone to the dogs. But we still were going to get married.
August: My brother flew in to be with me on my graduation. He saw me in real terrible state, almost on the verge of breakdown and he was the first one to realize I needed help. He took over the responsibility of caring for me, cooked for me, stopped me from writing for few days completely. Meanwhile he read all my interviews and he at once knew what was happening inside my head. He could feel my fear as a tender boil in the ear. He told me it was ok to fail in my thesis and to not get married and assured me that he would stand by my decision if I decide not to get married. He kept his word all through months ahead. It was with the support of my teachers, him and Nuria, I managed to complete my thesis and I graduated on time. I left Amsterdam the very next day of graduation with a heavy heart and I was to be married in exactly a week ahead. That week was most difficult time of my life. I could sense the widened distance between the two of us but he insisted it was my illusion. What followed ahead was my biggest failure in personal life. I could not get married and the decision though taken mutually to not get married the next day came in very late, a day before marriage. What I did not understand then was that my relationship had also met premature death with that decision. He systematically cut all the channels of communication and our relationship got suspended in a strange ending. I faced immense criticism from every one around. I was called stupid, irrational, selfish, timid. I fell apart once again, this time the downfall was even stronger as I had very weak support system. I kept asking myself what made me act the way I acted? Where I went wrong? I blamed myself for my failed relationship. I begged him and his family for forgiveness. I was a terrible infection in his life now and his family and friends almost quarantined me from entering into their world again. I do take all the responsibility of what happened, I accept that I caused them pain and suffering but was I totally at fault?
September through December: Everyday I battle with my fears, fear of loneliness, fear that I will never be able to find my self again, I will never be able to trust anyone again, i will never have a meaningful relationship. Fear that I will never have resolution on this issue, i will never have a single word of communication from him. Fear of going back to Mumbai, India. Fear of being considered a looser, a woman who could not get married. Fear is the word that I live by every single day, fear in different forms. Sometimes I dont even understand what is it exactly that I am afraid of.
So my word for the year 2011 is 'trust'. I need to trust myself again and trust the world around. I need to trust my future and that I will soon find my own self. I will regain my energy and the confidence and i will accept myself with all my strengths and weaknesses. I will find reasons to smile and to laugh. I will make new friends, i will explore new places and be open to range of experiences life has potential to offer me. I trust that there would be a day when I wont break into tears and there would be a night when I will fall asleep like a baby without being afraid and feeling guilty. I hope to bloom again as a person and make meaningful change in my life project. 2011 will be my transition from world of intense of fear to one with the trust, hope and abundance.
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