This year has not been really an year of wisdom, in fact it was year of making mistakes after mistakes and finding myself in deep trouble. I could argue that I learned my lessons from each of those mistakes and then made a few other mistake so in a way i gathered a lot of wisdom but that is too simplistic way of looking at it.
I think the wisest decision I made was to take a pause and ask myself what do I really want to do with my life? The trouble was that this pause came at a very tricky moment in time but still it was essential. If I would not have taken that pause, my life story would have been completely different, it could also have been for good but I dont think I was ready for that goodness ahead in time. I had not understood the value of that goodness. I needed time to learn to respect and value what I have been given by the loved ones and by the life.
I stopped and i started reflecting on my life. I almost took a count of all those years, the things achieved, the failures and the success stories, the meaningful relationships formed and friends and family members who were left behind. For a while, I did nothing but allowed the reality around me to sink into me. It was essential to face the facts around me and about me. This confrontation with the self was needed. The restful moment was critical to see where I was heading and I felt I was heading towards total burn out. I have been neglecting those warning symptoms for way too long. I was training NGO staff on how to protect themselves against burn out. How could I not see it engulfing me slowly over years? Finally it hit me hard and I was turned into nothingness. I needed to set realistic goals and expectations for my life.
I did my SWOT analysis, I applied those self help techniques for my own life. I wrote my thoughts out like a mad woman, almost letting all the internal storms out on paper and I spent hours together looking at that mess that I had made of my life, in my efforts to overdo and over improvise everything. The most humbling realization was that I needed serious help to get out of the troubles and I accepted that I needed help. I found that help amongst my friends and family. I decided to take things slowly. I decided to make effort to relax. I decided to start walking again at slow but constant pace and that was the wisest thing I did. Last 11 weeks have been those little steps towards rediscovering my lost sense of self. Meditation, writing a blog, being in new place, making new friends and challenging myself with philosophical theories, it all had its own little effects. Slowly I have started getting little better sleep. My appetite for food and life is returning slowly. My attention span is improving and I feel I am able to take things in much lighter way than ever before. There are still moments that come in unannounced when i feel panicky, restless, helpless and lost but i accept those moments rather than fighting them back and I have learned that sometimes things unfold in their own course of time and they do get taken care of. That has been a valuable lesson indeed but totally worth it. I hope to continue my journey on this path and may be the year ahead will bring in new wisdom and new light.
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