December 5: Let go

Just a few days ago, I think sometime in November, I had a blog post with the same title, explaining how I cant let go off anything.

The word for today is 'Let go' and I am going to write about what are the things that I am going to try and let go in days ahead.

First of all, I want to let go off all the limits and constraints I impose on myself.This is closely linked with my low self esteem most of the time. I doubt myself and my abilities to such an extent that I undermine my own potential simply because I dont believe I can do it. I want to change this facet of my personality.

I want to let go off my worries. I worry too much about everything and when one spends so much of conscious thinking time on worrying about things, one exhausts their energy for nothing. Sometimes I feel totally tired just because of constant worries in my head.

Then I want to let go off all my negative thoughts about myself and my life situation. I always see possible hurdles in every situation but hardly take count of what factors are on my side. If I think carefully, it is very clear that my advantages are more than difficulties. But generally my first reaction always is, 'it wont happen', 'I cant make it' and thoughts like those. I create blocks on my own path.

I try to control, plan and systematically organize every aspect of my life. Once upon a time, I believed it was my asset but now I have come to see it as a weakness. Now planning and organization has taken over my ability to relax to such an extent that I am on my toes even in most relaxed situation. I feel I should be 'fully prepared' for any unforeseen calamity. Most of the time, there is no such calamity but, i want to be ready to deal with, so I miss the fun of living that moment completely.

I want to set the standards of quality a bit lower than usual. I set such high goals and I am so critical of myself that i make it really hard for me to live everyday with a positive wibe. These are good qualities to have only when they are in moderation. But I am almost getting on the pathological side of it.

I want to let go off my obsession to do everything perfectly, to be always correct and nice and kind hearted. It is ok to fail once in a while, it is ok to make mistakes or to hurt people inadvertently. I want to learn to accept kindness and support others can offer me. I want to strike a balance between giving and receiving.

I want to let go off my fears, my constant walls of defense. I want to trust people and life again. I want to live naturally even if it means letting my vulnerability visible. Its ok not to be always strong and it is fine to depend on others for love, energy and motivation. I am tired of being a strong woman and I want to be just 'a woman'. I am not sure what exactly it means though to be a woman.