The snow, the Christmas season and the memories

I know I am not suppose to feel like this. I should take control of my life and move on, accept things with smiling face, keep the lessons learned with me and be open to life ahead. I do try hard to do it sometimes consciously, sometimes without it. But there are days when things fall apart, all the courage gathered disappears and I feel like a complete failure. I want to hide myself, i want to cry, i want to disappear.

I woke up to snow, everything around me is pure white and beautiful. I enjoy the snow and the cold but something is different this time, there is a hue of sadness to it now, the snow actually freezes my soul. The happiness that I try to feel, seems out of place and there is this invisible burden on that smile that I have to bring out with great effort and determination. My apartment is warm, there are warm people around me but I feel cold, frozen, numb within. I took out that parrot green sweater this morning, bright, happy color. Is green not my favorite color lately? Yes it is but not this particular shade for sure. I look like a parrot. It is pure alpaca wool and it was brought to me all the way from Bolivia. I never could use it in India, it is too warm, but probably it is perfect for the days ahead here. I touched its wool and the memories came flashing by, very hard to put a lid on it. what went wrong there? Would this wool succeed in warming up my soul?

I carried on my day with great energy. we were in Brussels, with all my classmates and some of the teachers. Lovely group, snow was coming down beautifully. Magritte museum, the magic, illusion and metamorphosis were the three key concepts we were asked to take away with us. I loved those clouds and the windows.. now I know where the inspiration to photograph windows came from. It must have been my visit to the same museum on 24th October with friends. Today, I was also surrounded by friends but still felt so lonely. it was still snowing outside straight onto us.

The central city plaza, the old city hall and that majestic Christmas tree, the nativity and the people all around bundled up in warm clothes enjoying the snow. There was little sound and light show projected on the building of city hall... i remember how excited I was last year walking through the Christmas market in Bremen and then in Amsterdam and today I almost wanted to run away from it all. I think I had underestimated the effect of Christmas on me, I realized it today. I felt so out of place, the guilt, pain, self-blame it all came back... will I survive this festive season without falling apart? How drastically things have changed in a year's time. Does he ever think of it? The snow, the cold and the Christmas, how am I going to face these each year? Will I get used to it? I dont know but I am scared. The feeling of loneliness overwhelms, almost engulfs me and so is the feeling of loss. I wanted to be happy 2day, i tried but all I had to actually try was to control my tears. I decided to walk home, I wanted to be alone so that tears need not be hidden. I had to walk through snow covered paths and snow is still coming down....